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Laurie Dann: Difference between revisions
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Revision as of 03:32, 5 October 2024
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—Laurie Dann, being amicable to an ex | ||
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| Laurie Wasserman Dann | |
| Born | October 18, 1957 |
| Died | May 20, 1988 (age 30) |
| Nationality: | Kike Americunt 
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| Highscore | Killed 1, injured 6 |
| Top 50? | HAHAHAHAHAHA |
| Style | FPS, Fire Emblem, open world Single player |
| An Hero? | Yes. |
| Motive | On the rag lol |
Laurie Dann✡ (maiden name Wasserman) was a batshit insane schizo hag TORTURED VICTIM OF THE FACKING PATRIARCHY and j00ish equivalent to Lindsay Kantha Souvannarath that, after a lifetime of being spoiled by her mammy and daddy, harassing exes and children, going nuts at colleges, and generally being a complete and utter cunt (like most women), decided to embark on an epic quest for the high score and sperged out in a femcel fit of menopausal rage. Spoiler alert- she failed, because girls can't into high scoring, even when they have dried up eggs like this Little My looking heeb bitch. Silly girls!
Despite doing worse than fucking Couch Cuck, school shootings were still pretty unheard of in Burgerland, and that fag Patrick Purdy's azn sprayin' spree would only be a year away, so this was pretty big fucking news at the time.
LOLrie Dann: The Early Years
Dann was the youngest daughter of a relatively stable married couple in Illinois, who also had an older son that no one cares about. Her dad was an (((accountant))) and made lots of shekels for his pork-hating family by counting money for dumb goys. Laurie, much like a certain supreme gentleman, was shy and had too much of the 'tism to socialize with the other kidz. She was a fugly kid, with an oversized nose and "sailboat ears" (whatever the fuck that means.) That all changed once puberty hit her smelly ass- she got surgery to look less like Gollum and started being a huge bitch, pissing her teachers off by cheating and skipping, tried forging her time cards at work, and cucking her boyfriend. She told a bunch of lies about herself and lied about having useless college degrees or experience in fields she never had. All of this was typical for women, so no one batted an eye. The bitch also had OCD and was totally fucking schizo, and did shit like touching every single crack or telephone pole when she walked outside. She was so fucking afraid of germs (rare for a whore) that she didn't touch or use silverware with her bare hands. Sound familiar?
School Dayz
After graduating high school [cheating|somehow]], she attended the University of Arizona for a cuppa years but was too much of a lazy bitch to graduate. Being a gold-digging jew, she figured she didn't really need a pesky degree since she could just go fuck some rich guy at the school. She met a premed student and thought the poor sap would be her sugar daddy but he dumped her sorry ass. This made her butthurt, and like all heebs deprived of dat sweet sweet $$$CASHMONEY$$$ she would mald over him years after being dumped.
Holy Fuck Someone Married Her
The bitch would trek back to Illinois and would continue attending classes and NEVER FUCKING FINISHED THEM before meeting a Chad Thundercock named Russell Dann at a country club she worked at. She was smitten with the goy and just like that gay Austrian socialist predicted, she'd marry him and sap him of his money. Russell was unaware of Dann's... specialness until after their wedding in '82. After the happy wedding Russell began to notice some off things about his wife- like, y'know, her leaving trash everywhere, leaving money in the oven and freezer, make up in the microwave, canned food in the dishwasher, and most egregiously at all, NOT FUCKING CLEANING THE HOUSE! Obviously, that's how he knew the cunt was mad, and he promptly dumped her ass. Poor Laurie was left without a moneytrain. She'd been dumped by friends and boyfriends, and faced epic academic failz, and the divorce seemed to be too much for her to bare. She began stalking the shit out of him, sneaking into his house and peering into his telephone conversations, telling people at the hospital he worked at he raped her, stabbing him with an ice pick, and telling the pigs he stuck a knife into her vajayjay. This was all a perfectly normal reaction to what happened.
Back 2 School
Inbetween her revenge seeking sprees, she began attending school again at Northwestern University. Wisening up, she decided to quit her old days of cheating and flaking and hahahahaha no I'm just fucking with you she was still as nutty as dog shit. She broke into other people's rooms to steal shit and hoarded raw meat- maybe this was a subtle Freudian clue that she missed Russell's BWC. After she was told to GTFO by the staff, they found garbage stuffed into the cabinets of her dorm. Not wanting to give up on her pursuit for higher education, she'd enroll into the University of Wisconsin and did the same shit. Staff once found her completely butt-fucking naked, slamming and opening the fire door. They didn't take too kindly to this, nor did they take kindly to her room being filled with garbage and a piss-stained carpet. Luckily she wasn't out of a job, as she had taken up babysitting.
The Later Years
After all of THAT, and still inbetween her harassing her exes, Dann took up a babysitting gig. Most families, not being fucking retarded, thought she was quite weird at best and an annoying thief and vandal at worst. She had begun prank calling people by calling them and immediately hanging up, and she'd troll the shit out of families that hired her by doing this to them. Naturally, those who found out fired her. Dann wasn't the smartest gal. She'd eventually escalate her epic trolling by making death threats instead of mildly inconveniencing them, threatening to kill her ex and his son. She was so fucking bitter and envious of other people, she once saw a boy name Jim win a spelling bee in a newspaper, and called the mother to tell her "I just wanted you to know that I’m going to kill Jim today," which she didn't even do.
The Failetka "Massacre"
On May 20, 1988, the 30-year-old hag had had enough. She enacted a big day of retribution. The world was going to pay for wronging this STRONG INDEPENDENT JEWISH WOMYN! MHM. MHM!
Loadout
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Level 1
She would begin the lulzfest by stealing arsenic and poisoning some Rice Krispies and juice containers. She then did a quick time event where she mailed the items to random people which she failed at pretty hard. She then entered the overworld, entered her car, and drove to some slag she babysat for's house. With the dumb whore mother's permission, she took the Rushe kids for a "special day" and gave them some tainted milk to drink. This also didn't work. She first drove to Lavinia Elementary, and unsuccessfully tried burning it down. Pissed off, but wanting to continue her bout of arson, she drove her would-be poison victims back to their house and tried to burn THAT down. You can guess how that went. Failing Level 1, she skipped it and headed to Level 2.
Level 2
Dann then drove to Hubbard Woods Elementary, as two of the other Rushe children were there, and she decided it wouldn't hurt to get rid of them too. However, RNG dictated they were on a field trip that day. Wanting to at least kill SOMETHING, she Zerg Rushed into the school and dicked around in a 2nd grade classroom before leaving, finding a shota in the hall, and shooting him in the chest after pushing him in the bathroom. Her S&W jammed as she tried smashing two other boys in the bathroom like eggshells, and she discarded the weapon as they ran for help. Going back to the classroom, she ordered all of the children in the corner of the room. A teacher unsuccessfully tried disarming her and failed- and Dann shot 5 children, but only killed one boy named Nicolas Corwin. Nice aim, Laurie. Sensing the police arriving, and satisfied with killing one aryan child, she then GTFO of there and drove far, far away until she crashed into a tree. This would begin the final hostage level of the game.
Level 3
Successfully fleeing the scene, Laurie stumbled into the home of Ruth Andrews and told them she had been raped and had just killed her attacker. The family thought it seemed legit and let her stay; trying to console her by letting her now the police wouldn't prosecute a woman who acted in self defense, especially if she was white. They gave her some new shorts, and the Andrews son Phillip took her beretta. They tried calling her mudder who didn't give a shit and didn't have a car, so she wasn't much help. So they decided to convince Dann to give up her other gun instead, threatening to kick her out if she didn't. She refused to, and with the police closing in, she shot Phillip in the chest- who survived and escaped.
The house became surrounded with piggies. Her parents and Russell were brought to the house to negotiate to no avail. Not wanting to get dykeraped in jail, Dann did the only thing that women were good for- putting the big black gun in her mouth and becoming an heroine. GAYME OVER.
Graded Score
| Kill count: | 1/20 |
|---|---|
| Accuracy: | 1/20 |
| Style: | 10/20 Had the |
| Butthurt: | 20/20 First major school shooting since Brenda Spencer's lezfest, also got a book and movie made about her, and a copycat. |
| Bonus: | 10/20 Women get 10 points automatically deducted, however she is the closest thing to a female Elliot Rodger. |
Wanted Level:
Police Force
Aftermath
Despite the fucking terrible KDR ratio, Dann's big day out made old media super duper butthurt. It was one of the first stories to be featured prominently in the 24-hour news cycle, and received tons of coverage, sometimes being referred to by dumbasses as "the first school shooting." (Not true, by the way.) Except for poor Nick, all of the victims would survive from their injuries, only having to deal with the easy to manage debilitating effects of PTSD. Dann's lulzfest would usher in the usual mass shooting talking points about mental health or gun control and other banal nonsense.
OMG SHE GOT A BOOK AND MOVIE!!!
True crime fags, never shying away from exploiting on tragedy, made a tl;dr called "Murder of Innocence" that was later made into a movie vaguely based on it. They both probably suck lol. Since she wasn't a cute skinny |ytboi like the Columbine fags or Vladislav Roslyakov, there probably won't be any fanboys or fangirls for this hag anytime soon. Oh yeah, she also was once mentioned by Peter Sotos in one of his kiddy porn mags.
OMG SHE GOT A COPYCAT!!!!11
Only a few months after Dann's absolute failure, another waste of the gene pool and fellow schizo James Wilson would successfully outdo Dann's high score, killing 2 people at Oakland Elementary. Leave it to a man to teach a woman how it's done.
In Conclusion...
See Also
- Lindsay Kantha Souvannarath - Her azn nazi doppelganger, the only person to do worse than she did besides Asa Coon and Brian Isaack Clyde
- Brenda Ann Spencer - Her nerd predecessor who she failed to outdo.
- Adam Lanza - Fellow kid pwner.
- Femcel - What she basically is.
- Feminism - She was a feminist hero
- Menopause - What she suffered from
External Links
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Laurie Dann |
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[Xbox]
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Laurie Dann is part of a series on Education [Go To School]
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| Laurie Dann is part of a series on Dying Alone
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