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Jerry Springer
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BREAKING NEWS!! Jerry Springer has died at the age of 79 from Pancreatic Cancer. |
Jerry Springer✡ is possibly the best known talk show host in America, or even the world, because of his unbelievably fucked-up shows. Before the Internet became popular with the likes of 2girls1cup, Mr. Hands, and other shock sites Jerry was providing the world with the very worst humanity has to offer. This show is the reason the rest of the world hates America.
The Man Himself
As well as being an Americunt, Springer doubles his faggotry by being born in England in 1944 – sadly missing the greatest years of his hero’s life.
Jerry Springer is to chain-smoking white trash housewives as Dawkins is to atheists or Raptorjesus is to Anonymous. Although he has hundreds of fans willing to get down on their knees and prove how much they love him, he has an even larger amount of haters who declare jihad on him and fuck him through a different hole in his head, once they remove it from his body.
Springer first came to fame in 1970 when he ran for Congress, but failed to win, being the current Republican, an instead becoming the mayor of Cincinnati. He had to resign however after the police raided a local massage parlor and discovered Springer had been paying someone to slap his cock around for him.
Unable to gain any power or pity sex Jerry did the next best thing - starting a talk show that would enthrall and fuck America harder than it's even been fucked before.
The Jerry Springer Show
Of all the shitty talk shows that prove you can never underestimate just how fucking retarded Americans are, Jerry Springer is by far the worst, making it the most lulzy. The viewers are inevitably fatass rednecks or niggers who have thirteen children by eight different men who watch the show so they can laugh at other fat racist whores.
Like most talk shows, it began with boring debates like the effects of rock-and-roll or gun politics until after smoking something he found in his mom's bottom drawer. Soon, Springer began to deal with more common and troubling issues such as rape, pedophilia, incest, bestiality, and trannies.
The show always contains shitloads of fights - always. Most of what they're saying cannot be understood, not just because they're bleeped-out, but because they're inbred hicks who can't keep their legs closed. Although security will always manage to break them up, the crowd will shout "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!" despite the fact the bastard will never get involved. Which is the smartest thing he's done so far.
The Springer Show peaked in 2000 and has been getting less and less views every year since the USA discovered someone else who could rape them even harder and with even moar results.
Structure
The horrendous pageant that is The Jerry Springer Show can be split into three distinct sections, just like a classical sonata. It is also like a classical sonata in that it's shit and nobody wants to listen. The show has a "title" which is usually to the tune of "Cheating Lesbian Aunties 46"; but don't be fooled - the title rarely has any significance to the contents of the show.
Establishment: The horrific avatars of lower-class living are herded on stage one after another. They are given an opportunity to explain whatever dilemma they are being paid to exhibit, which they unfailingly articulate with all the linguistic grace of a juvenile chimpanzee with Tourette's syndrome. The dramas faced are normal everyday issues that the viewers can relate to, such as "I'm pregnant with my father's lovechild," "my boyfriend raped my nephew," and the ever-charming "I often pay Satanist gay midgets to defecate on my mother's bed." This section of the show also features lesbian erotica and obese, borderline-retarded boyfriends fighting over "MAH BAYBEE".
Development: The fun continues when the audience are given the chance to offer their own unerringly profound, thoughtful opinions. Such philosophical treasures as "GURL, YOU GOTS TO DUMP HIS ASS" and "MAN, YOU GOTS TO WAKE UP TO YO'SELF" are exhibited here, often resulting in physical combat between the Lovecraftian horrors on stage and the witless masses in the audience. This is occasionally broken up by a Cro-Magnon muscleman who looks like Doctor Evil with a frontal lobotomy who goes by the classy moniker of "Steve". Ironically, this man now has his own show.
Recapitulation: In this mercifully brief segment, Jerry recites a generic statement slightly altered each time to pertain to whatever troupe of mutants he has scraped together. His vaguely interesting rant which has little or often no significance to the events that have taken place serves to distract the sedated audience from the fact that absolutely no situational development has taken place whatsoever.
Controversy
The controversy isn't whether the show is too violent or borders on child abuse - it's that the show isn't screwed-up enough. Some argue that Springer's guests are fake attention whores, because no one could possible be that dysfunctional. To prove his point, Springer will be interviewing Josef Fritzl in the near future on how his family made such terrible lies against him and how he's suffered. The show was a lot better back in the old days when the security guards were slack and they had mad fights on the show.
Special Lulz
On July 24th, 2000, Springer aired a show where an ex-wife was confronted with her infidelity - like all good hosts, Springer flaunted it in her husband's face until hours after the show was aired, when the bitch was murdered by her husband.
Later on the Larry King show, Springer was confronted with the woman's death and says that although the show is totally NOT fake, it had nothing to do with the woman's death.
Has, perhaps, the biggest balls in the business
Or because he has become so used to the degradation of others that he peddles on his show, Jerry Springer can probably be used as living proof for Tipper Gore's and Hillary Clinton's platform that letting inner city children play video games creates a violent personality through desensitization because of his willingness to bring up, what most would describe as his embarrassing past without his even batting an eye. A clear example of this is his 1982 ad announcing his run for governor and his apology to the state of Ohio for getting caught paying a prostitute with a check that he used as a retro ad on Nick at Nite's Tv Land to promote The Jerry Springer Show.
Videos
The only reason you watch Springer is to prove to yourself that even though you fap to CP and furry porn down there in in your mom and dad's basement, you're still better than these fucktards.
See Also
- Jeremy Kyle - Britain's answer to Jerry Springer.
- Steve Wilkos - His bodyguard who talks in ALLCAPS.
- Montel Williams
- Oprah
- Maury - Jerry's biggest fanboi.
External Links
- Jerry Springer on Wikipedia
- Proving literally everyone has a channel on YouLose
- On urbandictionary.com
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Jerry Springer is part of a series on Visit the Trolls Portal for complete coverage. |
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Jerry Springer is part of a series on Visit the Television Portal for complete coverage. |
| Article of the Now April 29 & 30, 2023 | ||
| Preceded by Party Van |
Jerry Springer | Succeeded by Suicide |