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Brandon Crisp
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Brandon "DJ ICE" Crisp was a normal Catholic boy from the great land of milk bags. He was an average boy at the age of 15 and attended a Catholic high school where he learned about God and fellatio. Brandon had a rather unhealthy relationship with his Xbox, skipping school to play Call of Duty all day long. On October 13th, he had a fight with his parents and his parents decided to take his Ecksbawks. Suffering from immense amounts of butthurt, he threatened to pack his bags and move in with his auntie and uncle in Bel-Air. His father played along with his son's sudden outburst of unwarranted self-importance and helped him pack his bags (though forgetting to throw in some medipacks). He was later quoted that, "He had done it for the lulz."
Brandon's nigger tactics kept him alive briefly, until he joined forces with Jake Roberts and failed the final level in his favorite MMORPG called Fallout Tree, by climbing up a tree and attempting to swan dive to the nearest branch. In a sudden realization that he was not fit nor had an ounce of parkour skills, Brandon plummeted to Final Stand and took the coward's way out. Before the Game Masters could find his body, Facebook campaigns with over 9,000 people were formed. And with a lot of moralfags, comes a lot of trolls.
Brandon Crisp was appointed an Xbox hero on the 5th of November by internet's super heroes, /b/. His death was almost as lulzy as An Wiiro, but with the powers of online communities, moar lulz were had when /b/ started to leave their condolences on Facebook.
Brandon was a tiny, angry, retarded Canadian kid, though some say he was a pretty cool guy. He enjoyed watching the movies Ice Age, Out Cold, Brain Freeze, Encino Man, In Cold Blood, The Big Chill, Jack Frost, Cold Mountain, Polar Express,Batman & Mr. Freeze: SubZero, The Ice Storm, and Frozen River. Unfortunately, he was not a fan of Extreme Survival or that Canadian show Survivorman. Brandon enjoyed listening to "Cold as Ice" by Foreigner, "North to Alaska" by Johnny Horton, "Ice Ice Baby" by Vanilla Ice, "Stone Cold Crazy" by Queen, "Baby, It's Cold Outside" by Esther Williams✡ and Ricardo Montalban, "The Iceman Cometh" by Impelliterri, "Cold Hearted" by Paula Abdul✡, "So Cold" by Breaking Benjamin, "World So Cold" by Mudvayne, the album Alaska by Between The Buried And Me, the album "Cold Blooded" by Rick James, anything with Ice Cube or Ice T in it, and pretty much anything by Coldplay, Cold War Kids, or Imperial Crystalline Entombment (also known as I.C.E., lulz). When Brandon was feeling classy, he'd listen to Vivaldi's "Winter", Westlake's "Antarctica Suite" but he never listened to Stravinsky's "Danse Inferne". His favorite play was Eugene O'Neill's The Iceman Cometh. Crisp disliked Snoop Dogg's "Drop It Like It's Hot", Nelly's "Hot In Here", and Jim Gaffigan's "Hot Pockets" routine. He also loved the wrestling antics of Stone Cold Steve Austin.
There is speculation that Brandon was just following his Dad's orders when he was told to "go chill out". It has also been reported that Brandon enjoyed dressing as Mr. Freeze for Halloween. It is also speculated that if Brandon Crisp and Codey Porter combine their powers, Captain Planet will return. We have also gotten word that his favorite Bing Crosby movie was White Christmas. It is also possible that he got auto-balanced and is now somewhere in Russia.
The Argument
Brandon, like any 13 year old boy got exceedingly upset when he was told by his father that his Xbox 360 was being confiscated due to his schoolwork suffering, and as with all teen arguments, this resulted in a large amount of drama and he told his parents he was moving with his Auntie and Uncle in Bel-Air, Brandon's dad being the responsible parent he even helped his son to pack his bags in a true gesture of fatherly love. Having never played Oregon Trail as a child, Brandon failed to know what to do when confronted with the choice of leaving. Thus, he bought no oxen, bacon, meat, dried fruits and vegetables, whiskey, or winter coats but rather 12 grandfather clocks. Pity.
As hockey season had not yet started, the Canadian news covered Brandon's disappearance 24-7. Microsoft knows when a good promo opportunity presents itself, so Bill Gates offered to donate 25,000Confederate Canadian moneys to the reward fund, plus an extra dollar for every time you forwarded Bill's email.
Mr. Crisp told journalists he expected to see him back within a few hours, or at worst, the next day. Upon receiving news of his son's death, Mr. Crisp organized a huge party and invited all his friends and neighbors round for some nibbles and fine wine, then returned Brandon's birthday gift, ironically a new coat. After all, no longer having to put up with Brandon's attitude was cause to celebrate, right?
Memorial Songs & CopyPasta
[+]The Real Story
[+]Brandon the Snowman
[+]Bel-Air, Ode to An Hero
[+]I WILL SURVIVE... so he thought
[+]No, Brandon, you are the Xbox
[+]Under the Tree
So Cash
Hey Ultranationalists,
My name is Brandon, and I hate every single one of you. All of you are slow, inaccurate n00bs who spend every second of their day getting knifed in the back by me, Brandon. You are everything cold in the world. Honestly, have any of you ever gotten level 55? I mean, I guess it's fun losing to a 15 year old because you're a faggot, but you all take it to a whole new level. This is even worse then jerking off to my obituaries on Facebook.
Don't be a Spetznaz. Just hit me with your best airstrike. I'm pretty much frozen. I was leader of the scoreboards, and beaten by my dad. What games do you play, other than "not freeze to death in the woods"? I also get RROD, and have a pretty warm jacket (Just lost it; I am SO cold). You are all losers who should buy a better bike next time. Thanks for searching.
Pic related: It's me and my box.
Brandon Crisp Facts
Brandon Crisp died before his Xbox did.
Brandon Crisp went straight to Dead, did not pass Go, and did not collect $200.
Brandon Crisp accidentally life.
The Facebook group called WHERE IS BRANDON CRISP has around 22,000 members, and was created by Natasha Crisp and Samantha Crisp. This (and the fact that Facebook notifies you each and every single time someone posts in a thread you posted in) created a huge shitflow of trolls vs. moralfags.
—Andrew Hanna, one of the group's administrators. | ||
Previous Quote | Next Quote
Tribute Video
Note: It seems to be a growing trend that Anon's tributes are being taken off YouTube due to the uploaders' own choices. It is advised that these are to be mirrored before they are taken down so it does not completely screw up the page.
Angry little boy responds
After Anon had made their tributes to their favorite human popsicle, a 13 year old boy by the name of FredAnimated decided to stand up to the bullies and started to ramble on about icicles on balls and shoving his microphone up various rectums, because they are some of his fetishes.
—Fred Animated. |
Ramifications
Anon was shocked by such obscenity, because after all, who swears on the internetz? FredAnimated was then pulled aside by his father, a /b/tard himself, and he forcibly entered his big black horsecock into the little boys mouth against his will, and then later as he was anally raping him without lube, Fred committed seppuku and thus passed into posterity the legend of FredAnimated, the little engine that could faggot. A more formidable foe Anon surely has never encountered before, and a collective sigh of relief was breathed across all chans upon his fuck and resultant death.
Oi, Suzy!
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help me -
My Final Form -
TOO EARLY -
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More like finished him, amirite? -
LOL WUT -
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But I think this one knows he's dead, amirite?
Death
Hunters found his body in teh woods. Let's examine the fucking facts here: His bike was found not far from his house, there are no strangers in that area and he has no friends; how the FUCK could you be that much of a failure as to die just as you get two blocks from your house? His parents are obviously The Killers. They reported the incident so as not to attract suspicion. The only other possibility is that he An Hero'd via hanging on a branch, trying to evade Shotacat.
Possibilities:
- An hero
- Killed by parents
- Bear trap
- Jack Frost
- Hypothermia
- Tripped on a stick
- Carbon Monoxide
- El Chupacabra
- Gaz
- Jews
- George Bush
- Shotacat
- AIDS
- Being mistaken for a deer and subsequently shot by Dick Cheney
- Thinking he could not get affected by weather like in video games
- FROZEN TO A CRISP
Recent investigation shows that it is possible Brandon was in fact pwnd by a tree while camping completing his Goodbye challenge for 250 XP.
—Winrar /b/tard |
See Also
- Jake Roberts
- An Halo
- 360 Kid
- Codey Porter, the Sand Ninja who convinced his friends to bury him alive in a sandbox.
External links
A MySpace dedication for Brandon CrispPWNED- The Article on the drama
Crappy FailBook group POOLS CLOSEDPWNED- Crisp of November and more in 3D
Facebook group for Brandon
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Brandon Crisp |
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[Xbox]
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| Brandon Crisp is part of a series on Dying Alone
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| Brandon Crisp is part of a series on Soviet Canuckistan [Expand]
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| Featured article November 28, 2008 | ||
| Preceded by Thanksgiving |
Brandon Crisp | Succeeded by iChan |
