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Heath Ledger
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Heathcliff Andrew Ledger, known on 4chan as Keith Dedger (April 4, 1979 – January 22, 2008) was a homosexual Australian actor, most noted for his ass-ramming antics on Brokeback Mountain. That movie was only the culmination of a career in professional faggotry, starting with his first ever role as a gay cyclist in the TV series Sweat. He then went on to further success jabbing men with large sticks in the action hit A Knight's Tale.
He grew up rich and beautiful, which no doubt led to his now an heroic addiction to hookers and blow. He was one of those actors who believed the best way to get in the mind-set of a self-destructive character is to follow their example. So to prepare for his role as a serial-killer clown in the Batman movie he decided to kill a bunch of people, starting with himself.
The cause of death was a wicked self pwn, claimed to be an overdose of prescription drugs. However, death by poisonous barbs was the rage in Australia at the time; an overdose of AIDS was considered another potential cause. His last words are reputed to be "LOL BRB SUICIDE."
According to pre-pubescent boys, he was the greatest actor of all-time, despite the fact that they can't name any movies with him in it besides The Dark Knight. In this movie, the bulk of his acting consisted of ripping off Tim Burton movies, licking his lips and faking an American accent. Basically, the role could have been played equally as well by anyone able to watch Beetlejuice. The rest of Ledger's career was less than memorable as he played the same character in nearly every film he was in.
Early Career
Young Heath began his acting career at a young age playing the leading role in Peter Pan. Traditionally, the role of Peter Pan is reserved for a female, but Ledger landed the role with his teachers citing his effeminate and often eccentric behavior making him "more ladylike than the rest of them." After an early graduation, he moved to Sydney with his "Girlfriend" and "Best Friend" (fag hag and lover, respectively), where he landed a role as a gay cyclist. After a few television appearances and a few handjobs to producers, he made it to the big time.
Life as a confused Hollywood heartthrob
His striking good looks and Australian accent quickly earned him the badge of "heartthrob" in media outlets. His good looks first won over the hearts of a generation of teenage american girls when he appeared in the film "10 Things I Hate About You" and fingerfucked a nigger in the butt.
Buttsecks Boogaloo and Controversy
Heath is perhaps best known and loved for his role as the gay cowboy in the Academy Award-winning film Brokeback Mountain. Despite widespread praise for his portrayal of a gay man, critics argue that Heath's character is not really a 'cowboy' at all but, instead, a rape-crazy ass pirate.
Of note here is, of course, the disconcertingly minimal foreplay and shocking absence of lubricant. Studies show that, as the rectal mucosa provides little natural lubrication, a lubricant (such as a personal lubricant) is most often required or preferred when penetrating the anus. Leading scientologists agree that an insufficient amount of lubricant can make anal sex especially painful or injurious, given the vulnerability of the anal tissues. Damage is more likely if intercourse is forcible or aggressive; if alcohol or other drugs have dulled sensitivity; if communication is poor; if technique is clumsy; or if you just spit on your fat cowboy cock and ram it right in without much warning. HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS - Everyone knows that Heath Ledger's micropenis couldn't have injured a rubber thimble.
Despite the high risk of injury when fucking without lube, Heath still pounded Jake Gyllenhaal's ass into this. Clearly, when Heath wants to rape someone anally, everything goes right out the window.
Meanwhile, prominent gay activists have publicly suggested that next time Jake Gyllenhaal should consider safer alternatives to Heath's Ledger.
Death
—Heath Ledger, a star's last words | ||
According to the Zionist media, the confusion of his sexual preferences, compounded by the pressures of society and the media, led him to OD on sleeping pills. However, the actual cause of death was an an axe to the head. During the filming of The Dark Knight, Christian Bale caught a glimpse of Ledger's business card. As Bale looked at the card, and saw its slightly off white coloring and its watermark, he was instantly filled with murderous rage and jealousy over Heath's superior card. So he invited Ledger over to his apartment, where he lectured Heath on how Huey Lewis and the News' song "Hip to Be Square" was not only a song about the pleasure of conformity and the importance of trends, but a personal statement about the band members themselves. Bale then got naked underneath a see-through plastic overcoat and butchered Ledger's head with an axe. After this he invited naked dwarves to his place for a naked cocaine party where they would use Ledger's penis as a ping pong paddle for disturbing spanking exercises.
To make things moar embarrassing for Ledger, Bale moved the body to Mary-Kate Olsen's apartment, his former party pal. People magazine reports that "They were hooking up, but neither were particularly interested in making it exclusive."
As for what drew the two together, says the source, "They had a bond that was based on partying, and they had the same tastes in partying... like, in terms of where they liked to hang out in New York, what time they would want to go out. They just had the same sensibility."
Without question and beyond doubt, Ledger was supremely fucked up, as he was described as being charmed by Olsen, who made him laugh as he would scarf down a big meal.
"Mary-Kate made him laugh a lot," an eyewitness recalled.
After Ledger's death, an entire news network was created so that people may ignore IRL things, and watch continuous updates as to his career, and the circumstances surrounding death. This news network used to be called CNN.
Official Report
Like with every breaking story, Faux News was on the scene immediately. The following is taken from Faux's web site, written by Brian Williams:
Gay penis puffer and star of the epic butt cowboy screenplay Brokeback Mountain Heath Ledger was found dead in his ratty Australian New York apartment yesterday from what police say appears to have been a fatal overdose of semen and cocaine suffered at an orgy comprised of some 20 men and at least one hermaphrodite. Upon noticing Ledger was dead, the participants fled the scene and continued the orgy at another location. When asked about Ledger's untimely death, his mother, Ethel's only comment was, "At least Hollywood will no longer be subject to movies with faggots wearing nothing but chaps and cowboy hats prancing around outside and waving their penises before they suck each other off."
When You Hire Stupid People, Don't Expect to Live.
January 24th 2008: Masseuse, rocket scientist and forward thinker Diana Wolozin got to Ledger's apartment 2:45 p.m. to give Ledger a healing massage. After wandering around the apartment for about 15 minutes she went in and set up a massage table nearby Ledger.
After shaking Ledger and thinking he might be dead she did what any smart Masseuse would do: She called all the way to California to Mary Kate Olsen four times before calling 911 on Ledger's cell phone.
Economic Impact
Since Heath was responsible for 75% of Australia's GDP, over 9000 points were lost on the Australian Securities Exchange Market 5 minutes after his death was announced. The market rebounded, fortunately, when more cheap Chin goods flooded the country.
The Internets React
Wikipedia reacts
Blake Yardley reports his death. [1]
God Hates Heaths
Fred Phelps immediately declared victory over the evil faggots and proclaimed his desire to dance on the Brokeback Mountain homo's AIDS infected grave. This led to copious amounts of butthurt from the gay community who loved to fap to his picture.
It would have been a true quest of lol if Phelps and the gang had actually attempted to picket the funeral of a celebrity; apparently they has sum security or somthin'. Also, the funeral was held in Australia, making the legality of picketing a funeral there and the cost of flying the whole family there an awesome waste of time and money.
Facebook Lulz
Taken from the Facebook group dedicated to this article, LOL HEATH LEDGER!:
—Connie Henderson, on spelling and grammar. | ||
in response to "Connie Henderson on sp3Link anb gramer"
—Connie Henderson, is so cool you though. | ||
"Im so cool you though"... Wow, looks like someone DIDN'T complete high school, eh?
I wish I was so cool you
MySpace Lulz
This message was sent to the ED MySpace in response to this article:
—Anonymous Ledger Fag, contemplating joining his idol. | ||
Yes, because only Americunts edit this article. No Britfags allowed!
Jack Nicholson on Heath Ledger's Performance
—Jack Nicholson, for the lulz | ||
—Jack Nicholson | ||
Hey Jack Nicholson I'm Dead
The Fresh Prince of Gotham
Heath's final role would later be related in this song...
Now, this is a story all about how
My life got flipped-turned upside down
And I liked to take a minute
Just sit there son
I'll tell you how I became the menacing Joker of Gotham.
Well no idea where I was born or raised
An Asylum was where I spent most of my days
Spazzin' Out, Schitzin, Laughin' all cool
And all digging my way out with a stolen tool
When a couple of guards
Caught me out of my bed
I stabbed them in the face and now they're kinda dead
Broke out of Arkham and Gotham's where I went,
They found nothing in my pockets except knives and lint,
Evening Commissioner
I just wanna be the guy who's fun and feared,
And if I may say, I really dig the beard,
Everyone points and call me delirious,
But I just laugh and ask, "Why so serious?"
Well I broke out some cell-mates, and set them free,
And told them they were all just freaks like me,
If they wanna destroy Gotham, there's just one plan,
It's obvious the only way is: kill the batman
I destroyed half of Gotham by two or three,
And I yelled to the batman, "Come on, hit me"
Looked at Gotham, as it all laid in waste,
Come on, batman, Lets put a smile on that face.
Davy the Dungeoneer
| In the greenest of our valleys By good angels tenanted, Once a fair and pretty boy - oh Pretty boy - reared his head. In the TV series "Roar"- We loved him! Never seraph spread his pinion Over an ass half so fair! Armor leather, glorious, skimpy, |
Watchers of that happy series, Through their luminous screens, saw Prettyboys moving muscularly, To the music's well-tuned law, Round about a chair where, sitting (Shirtlessly!) In state his glory well-befitting, The hero of the realm was seen. And all with camera and console glowing |
But evil guards, in "SECURITY" garb, Guarded the monarch's high estate. (Ah, let us mourn!- for never morrow Shall dawn upon him desolate!) And round about his home the cameras That watched and zoomed - Now but a dim-remembered story Of the old time entombed. And when I come, now, to the temple |
Yahoo Answers
http://uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080810155339AANmx98
"He died a few months ago. I suspect you already know this and are doing whats commonly known as 'trolling'. You deliberately posted this question looking for a reaction. Very sad." - Some fat bitch
"do you live in a cave? heath ledge has been dead since January." - Worlds most epic pun!
"He didn't go, what an Ass." - I know right!
RIP Heath Gallery
-
An Ledger, an hero... -
Heath's been using Brand X -
Heath + Ledger = Heath Ledger -
Heath Ledger's last words
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so delicious -
A scene from Brokeback Mountain. -
What happened?! Your circuit's gone dead! Give me a status report!! -
The inventor of the Heath Bar, The one thing this faggot actually did right. -
He never told us!11!111!7 -
Why So Dead?\ -
Drugs, I Couldn't Quit You. -
Good night sweet prince. -
Suicide? I think not. -
IMDb sensitivity -
BRB nap -
The death of grunge. -
Heath didn't know how to quit, now hes dead. -
An actor, an parent, an hero -
Artist's rendition of the unfortunate incident. -
Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-changes. -
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The dangers of method acting, courtesy of 5 minutes in MSPaint. -
-
I can has naptiem now? zzzz. -
The newest Joker toy! -
How can this be? -
See Also
| Heath Ledger is part of a series on Ausfailia [Expand]
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Heath Ledger is part of a series on Television. | [Shine spotlight] |
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Batman • Bear Grylls • Bill O'Reilly • Billy Mays • Bob Ross • Brittany Murphy • Bruce Campbell • Charlie Sheen • Christopher Reeve • Christopher Walken • Dakota Fanning • Dennis Hopper • Doctor Phil • Elmo • Gary Busey • Gary Coleman • Glenn Beck • Heath Ledger • Hulk Hogan • Jared Fogle • Jerry Springer • Jimmy Savile • Jodie Foster • Joe Blackburn • John Travolta • Jonathan Kendrick Lewis • Joss Whedon • Justin Dabrow • Kathy Griffin • Kevin Smith • Kramer • Lauren Faust • Lindsay Lohan • Louis CK • Mark Wahlberg • Max Headroom • Mel Gibson • Michael Moore • Mr. T• Neil Patrick Harris • Olsen Twins • Oprah Winfrey • Orson Welles • Patrick Stewart • Paul Feig • Paul Walker • Pennywise • Quentin Tarantino • R. Lee Ermey • Rick Sanchez • Ricky Gervais • Robin Williams • Roger Ebert • Roman Polanski • Rosie O'Donnell • Sacha Baron Cohen • Seth MacFarlane • Stephen Fry • Steve Buscemi • Superman • Tara Strong • The King • Tom Cruise • Tom Green • Toshiro Mifune • Uwe Boll • Wendy Burch • Will Smith • Wonder Woman
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| Heath Ledger is part of a series on Dying Alone
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| Featured article January 23, 2008 | ||
| Preceded by iRONAS |
Heath Ledger | Succeeded by Australia |