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Money
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This article is about IRL currency. For OL, see Internet money |
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Money✡ is a term that refers to the medium of exchange in any standardized system of trade. Ancient cultures had yet to invent bullshit, and so all of their 'money' was actually just a standardized form of barter - they traded a socially agreed upon amount of a certain precious commodity such as salt, or white gold, for goods.
Modern money has the advantage of not having any worth but what is socially agreed upon, because it is now made out of largely worthless metals, and fibers. Allegedly these worthless representations of wealth are backed by massive reserves of precious metals, specifically Jew Gold. In practice, however, nobody really cares as long as you can still afford a slushie.
IT IS THE FUCKING THING THAT THE MORONS CLOSED THE OLD ED FOR. For more info: capitalism
If you're an Asian or a third world immigrant, you are considered rich by your people if you have at least 100 dollars in your debit card.
There are many many ways to get money. You can start by getting a job so you don't stay in your mom's basement for the rest of your life.
United States Dollars are tracked by the government-run site Where's George?.
Ode to Money
With money you can:
- Buy another human being.
- Buy happine$$.
- Find true love
- Buy a donkey for love making.
- Buy a gun.
- Buy a dog.
- Be a pimp.
- $ave Encyclopedia Dramatica, they're broke! WE NEED THE FUCKING MONEY!!!
- Buy thousand$ of low priced tran$$exual hookers in a third world country.
- Purchase gift$ for a camwhore from their wishlist.
- Enjoy the finer thing$ in life.
- Get your girl a diamond, since all women are materiali$tic harpie$ and if you don't, you'll never get laid.
- Get really good at forplay. By this I mean taking a girl to a Jewlry Store to get her lubed up.
- Rule at Nerd Poker because you can by all the best cards in Magic The Gathering, Pokemon or Yu-Gi-Oh.
- Light your cigars with $100 bills.
- Buy a dildo, if you’re bi$exual or gay
- Buy gabe butt$ech$.
- Get mugged.
- Have the ability to post on $omething awful's forums.
- Speak "the language of love."
- Be a Jew.
- Obtain happine$$ and porn!
- Buy a huge a$$ machine to divide by zero.
- Lo$e it
- Scam the living Shit out of Retards by investing in Derek Stewart's money making opportunity. See Youtube video below and call him for a chat.
And many many moar!?
Things equal to money
- Sex
- Love
- NephilimFree
- Drugs
- Xenu's penis
- And sweet sweet lemon pie.
Things only weirdos feel are equal to money...
Things that are the complete opposite of money
- Encyclopedia Dramatica - see Irony
- Yenom
- Pieces of random scrap paper saying, "I.O.U." You is spelled with a 'Y'.
Things to do when you owe somebody money
- Postpone payment
- Ask for more time when he demands his money
- Tell him you have a liquidity problem
- If he's a friend, start a fight for an entirely different reason. A person who doesn't want to talk to you is not likely to ask for money.
- Tell him he's too obsessed with money.
- Tell him he's shallow
- Just don't pay it
- Make somebody else pay it for you
- Pay half of the amount
- Change the subject
- Pay in a different currency
- Ask for more money
- Offer a partnership
- Offer stock option
- Pretend to forget about the amount and discuss it forever
- Offer to pay it by second-hand assets
- Ask for his IBAN account if the conversation occurs in an offline environment.
- Offer to pay in person if the conversation is online
- Ask him to sue you
- Pay money to a gang to get rid of him -and your debt, eventually
- Disappear
Riches!
Money makes you rich, and having more money than someone else makes them pwned. You can assess how rich and pwning you are on Adam Smith's Riches Calculator. The Calculator analyzes what you do when your toilet breaks:
- 9 - Your highly paid scientists have invented new organs that don't require you to take a dump, so you don't care that your toilet is broken. This is known as the don't give a shit level.
- 8 - You don't use a toilet anymore, your Palestinian slave siphons the poo from your ass with his mouth while you sleep each night.
- 7 - The toilet attendant fixes the toilet as soon as it breaks without you noticing and then you buttrape him for not working hard enough probably.
- 6 - THE EQUILIBRIUM: you buy a new toilet.
- 4 - You try and save your wages to buy a new toilet but actually you spend it all on booze to drown the sorrows of your miserable life.
- 4b - Daddy buys you a new toilet. Worst. Birthday. Ever.
- 2 - You shit in the broken toilet, fall down and slice open your anus on the shards of whatever toilets are made of, causing you to stumble out of your bathroom with blood pouring out from behind.
- 1 - Courtney Love's merchandise profits.
Getting Paid
Realistic representation of what happens when you get paid.
Funny money
A slang term that is used to describe any form of money that is not the United States dollar. Funny Money is invariably more technically advanced than real money, and often shows its superiority through the use of multiple colors on a single bill, as opposed to the boring dollars monochromatic tones.
It is rumored that Europe's Funny Money, the Euro, has a coin that is actually worth as much as it buys.
The official currency of Vietnam is the Dong, which is, of course, hilarious.
NB - Ironically perhaps, the term 'funny money' is a term sometimes applied colloquially in Europe to counterfeit notes. Therefore if you're in Paris, Prague or erm... Scunthorpe then bear in mind you really don't want to fill your wallet up with the stuff, irrespective of what's been said above. Not to be confused with furry money, which is money used in transactions to purchase animal sex.
Monopoly money
President Obama has stated that we cannot treat US tax dollars like Monopoly money [1].
To test this theory we hired a troop of scientists and stuff.
Experiment 1 - dollars as Monopoly money
Admittedly dollars do not have the right numbers on the front but the use of an orange crayon can soon convert them. Like Lioncash.
Experiment 2 - as Coke straws
Monopoly money is easier to roll but is a bit small unless you have a Jew nose. Dollars have the advantage of already having traces of cocaine on them and so CSI can't prove it was you.
Experiment 3 - as cigar lighters
Monopoly money burns a bit too fast but then it is cheaper than using dollars to transfer fire. Both dollars and Monopoly notes can theoretically be used to roll joints, but they burn shittily, taste shitty and the ink gives you cancer.
Experiment 4 - as toilet paper
Dollars don't allow your fingers to burst through, but Monopoly money is softer if you have piles.
Donate
A small organ lodged behind the prostate and ahead of the rectum, in the general region known as the taint. ED routinely encourages its users to stimulate this organ and ejaculate money that can, in turn, be given to ED so that it can continue bringing you lulz.
Of course, everybody knows that's a scam. Should it have been true though, the solution instead of giving money would be to stop going to EncyclopediaDramatica, so you wouldn't invade their precious little wimpy baww bandwidth.
Wikipedia's bait
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See Also
- Bernie Madoff
- Bitcoin
- Dead-Pool
- Dong
- Forbes
- I go chop your dollar
- Jew
- Operation LIONCASH
- Rape dollars
- So Cash
- Starbucks
External Links
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| Article of the Now July 23 and 24, 2022 | ||
| Preceded by Moviebob |
Money | Succeeded by Zaiger |
| Article of the Now July 10 & July 11, 2023 | ||
| Preceded by Death |
Money | Succeeded by Life |