Anna Nicole Smith

This page contains spoilers — important plot secrets and/or conclusions may be revealed. For example,
HOLY SHIT ANNA NICOLE SMITH IS DEAD!!!1

With an I.Q. lower than the worms which are now devouring her, the voice of a mentally handicapped southerner and the weight of a blue whale, party girl Anna Nicole Smith was a leading figure on the mad Trimspa-consuming faux-bulimic attention whore scene due to her attention-whoring obesity, inspiring a generation of plus-sized girls to never stop eating, and their boyfriends to never stop cheating on them.

She is best known for showing up to award ceremonies uninvited and gobbling down the red carpet like a fruit roll-up. Additionally, she was the frumpy, deranged star of her own reality show on the E! network, and was murdered last Thursday (literally) in a Florida hotel for introducing the world to the fucking disastrous mess of a queen, Ms. Bobby Trendy.

The Discovery of the Body

The original discovery was made by the late night radio personality and old horny dude, Howard Stern. Stern was strolling along the beach and romancing a couple of his stripper friends when he came across the body.

Mistaking Anna Nicole Smith for a whale, he immediately phoned wildlife authorities and a veterinarian. Wildlife experts and a small squad of law enforcement quickly arrived. Police soon found Anna Nicole's purse in close proximity to the corpse, which allowed them to identify the body.

A crane was brought in to move the over 9,000 pounds of rotting flesh to a nearby hospital. After DNA testing, it was revealed that the pile of blubber was an actual sperm whale and not the sperm-eating whale, Anna Nicole Smith. It would later be confirmed that Anna Nicole's real body was not the whale, but the beach on which it was found. Howard Stern noted that he was not sorry for walking on her because "fatties are not people."

When the FOX Jews Network found out about her death, Jews across the nation began flooding the mainstream media with her ugly face, prompting many to vomit. Police are still searching frantically for the murderer to give him a medal.

I.Q. Test Score

In high school, Anna scored 65 on the Wechsler Adult Intelligence Scale (WAIS) standardized I.Q. test, making her slightly retarded. An Intelligence Quotient of 100 is average. Below 80 is borderline mentally retarded, below 70 is mildly mentally retarded. Below 50 is moderately mentally retarded, below 30 is severely mentally retarded, below 20 is a wheelchair retard. But the worst kind of retarted is you.

Vickie Lynn Hogan

Born Vickie Lynn Hogan, older sister of Hulk Hogan, in the dimly-lit confines of a Depression-era trailer, Anna sucked and danced her way into Playboy, where she appeared as part of Hugh Hefner’s campaign to make the magazine “more ironic”.

As is typical, straight males the world over failed to grasp the joke, and proceeded to fap to the further enrichment of Hugh Hefner. As her unintended stardom grew, so did her weight, and she proceeded to inhale most of the Playboy Mansion, damaging many of Mr. Hefner’s most exploitable underage blondes.

Anna Did Not Marry Her Husband for His Money

During the brief period while the Fates still permitted Anna to make a brutal, unceasing mockery of the American Dream^TM, she married an ancient, decrepit rich man, who mercifully fell to sleep most nights before consummating sex with the whalish-proportioned Anna.

After years of staring into the white, mangled pubic bush of her husband, the rightly-revolted Anna cut his life short through a combination of cocaine, a bimbo named Jane, and asphyxiation.

When the will revealed that much of the fortune was to go to Ms. Nicole, the old coot’s offspring cried foul; all the while Anna, her cunt fairly dripping with falsehood, denied the very notion of marrying the old fuck for his money.

Note that she was NOT merely doing it for the lulz.

Anna's Career as a Television Failure

When E! first announced The Anna Nicole Show, many people wondered why the fuck overweight, drug-addled, gold-digging, gerontophile Anna Nicole Smith was TV worthy. The idea resulted from a meeting of E! Entertainment executives to discuss expanding their market by creating a popular show along the line of The Osbournes, except that being a third rate network that noone watches, they couldn't afford Britney Spears. Washed-up drug-addled playmates are almost as good as washed-up drug-addled rock stars. Right?

After a long planning session involving hookers and blow, a junior executive with a thing for fat chicks and a secret stash of unbirthing porn suggested Anna Nicole. He now works as assistant manager at a Walmart in Albuquerque.

After limping through thirteen excruciatingly shitty episodes, the show was canceled due to Anna's addiction to an alphabet soup of painkillers, alcohol and uppers - which bizarrely caused her to gain so much weight that her whole body could not be contained in one frame.

E!'s fans desperately pleaded with the executives to remove the show, because they thought Anna was too fat for TV. However, they were proven wrong, as Anna was ultimately discovered to be too fat for life.

The Unholy Genetic Curse

Unbeknownst to Anna, her genes were cursed by the Outer Gods, and she and all she loved were, and are, doomed to tragic ends:

Her husband, as noted above.
Her 20-year-old, attractive son died so that her own abomination of a daughter might possess a soul of its own, however briefly.
Herself, as noted in the above spoiler.
Her daughter, eventually, shall also perish due to the Curse. Possibly while being violated by Nigras and snorting crack.

War Of The Whales

In a shocking turn of events, Anna's fate was foreseen on the morning of her tragic death by the great white whale known only as Rosie O' Donnell. Nay-sayers believe this to be merely coincidental, but most of us are cowering in our own feces with the knowledge that such a power has been given to such a cunt of a ~~human being~~ mammal.

Burial Controversy

Smith's bloated, festering corpse had remained unburied while various lawyers and Texans litigated her final resting place in Internet court.

However, in a telephone poll of 100,000 Americans, 69% of respondents said that they believe that Anna should be buried in the recently revealed tomb of Jesus.

It was decided that Georgie wanted to respect the wishes of his sister and lover, thus her body now rests in the Bahamas.

Her Bastard Child

I'd tap that! That is to say, I'd trepan both there skulls!

Anna's quick exit from the land of the living meant that her daughter, Dannielynn Hope Marshall, would be left in the hands of that creepy ass Stern. Some fag with frosted tips named Larry Birkhead came into the picture, however, and sued like a motherfucker for paternity testing, which Stern tried and tried to keep from happening.

His tricky Jew ways did not prevail, and lo and behold, Birkhead really did knock that fat bitch up. Larry probably only gives a shit because Dannielynn is worth a metric ass load of money now, but at least he won't be starving the newborn "so she'll be sexy," as Anna did. Stern claims to care so fucking much about Dannielynn, too, so why the fuck did he let that go on?

As it turns out, the Kato Kaelin-esque Mr. Birkhead may be arse-out of any profit if his ATM in diapers, Dannielynn, gets gypped out of Old Man Marshall's loot, since the uppity Marshall family have made it their life's work to cockblock the gold digging stripper, her consorts and/or spawn from getting a penny of her hard earned 'tips'.

Plan B is rumored to involve eBay and John Mark Karr.

Anna, Now Moar Popular Than Eva

~~Turn on to CNN, 99% chance you'll see this.~~ DISREGARD THAT I SUCK COCKS.

The fucking media couldn't get enough of this dead bitch! 24 hours after her death she had already received more attention and praise than she had in her entire career. You see, the government killed this whale so the media would cover her fat ass more than Iraq or the Palestinians that were kidnapped and killed by some 42-year-old Jew. It's all a big cover up, and everyone is being lied to. It wasn't obvious when the news said they would miss her! They said she had talent! Stop beating off to a fat dead woman and get it through your head! The truth must come out!

Aside from paranoid ramblings, the general public (especially YouTube viewers) was assaulted by endless tributes to the dead bitch. Every major network, magazine outlet and strip club was excreting hour after hour of Anna-dedicated shit. It made some contemplate quitting IRL, but the thought of encountering the beast herself in hell was enough to stop them.

Going Out In Style: Anna Nicole's Legacy

It was revealed that Anna Nicole's last contribution to the arts and parting gift to humanity was her final role as a goofy, flatulent superhero who is part of a trio of alien babes protecting Earth.

The 'movie' - entitled Illegal Aliens - was released direct to DVD on May 1st 2007, and it would be hard to imagine a more fitting curtain-call from the delicate 'Blowtorch in the Tornado' that was our Anna.

The movie was released to critical reviews and death threats towards the producers for releasing such an unforgivable evil upon the world. The DVD can now be found in dollar bins and land-fills everywhere.

Perhaps to save face, the studio that produced the movie released onto the internet a "never before seen" version of their making-of documentary. The one appearing on the DVD praised and worshiped the bitch, but the newer one shined a better light onto the whales crack-antics.