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2 gryphon
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2_gryphon (power word Matt Davis) (What kind of name is "2"? Either thinks its stupidly unique to be called a number, or "2" fucking lazy to come up with anything original) is an annoying, ranting gryphon, who tries really hard to be edgy by spewing forth concepts that are very un-unique but in an offensive manner that bedazzles many furries.
He's capable of stating things such as "it just hasn't been done right" about communism just like every other thirteen year old "rebel" out there, the difference being that he uses more lame celebrity similes to communicate the same stupid bullshit. Aside from ranting, he also makes horrible smut and lame music. 2 gryphon is a wanker, and so are his fans, who adore him above all other things in life. He regularly engages in drama in his very own LiveJournal. The story behind his name is that while dreaming about yiffing every one of his fans he saw the number 2, so he decided to name himself that. As retarded as that sounds, that is the actual story behind his name.
Also, he kind of looks like Dr. Steel.
He is also "One of the George Carlins of the internet", apparently.
Comedy; The 2Gryphon Style
Deciding on an unfortunate career choice, 2 can't come up with his thought provoking quips as fast as he does in his "rants".
You can hear the clipping as he inserts choice clips in Windows' sound editor, then inserts some shitty fast paced "music" to make it sound like he's a fast talking, sharp witted internet tough guy. To no surprise, this method seems to garner the respect of impressionable fanboys. This also happens to be the exact same technique used by such professional comedian Carlos Mencia, and God damn does it show. 2 claims this technique has helped him become a master of his craft, but common knowledge dictates furries can't be funny unless they're being made fun of. According to one of 2's many furfag ex-boyfriends, he treats his recording sessions as though they were some kind of sacred ritual, having named his recording studio "The Temple", which he will allow no one to enter unless they've been "cleansed". In his older age and decaying mental and physical state, he has taken to using drugs -- particularly cocaine, in which he mixes the droppings of exotic birds he purchases from local aviaries. He has said publicly that it gives him "the power of the Gods".
Try it yourself!
- Make an observation.
- Snort coke + bird shit.
- Scream about it.
- Reword the previous observation.
- Scream about it again.
- Throw your arms about in a flailing motion.
- Scream previous observations again. Rewording optional.
- Make loud noise indicating frustration over said observation.
- ?????????
- FURRY CELEBRITY!
Most of 2's "rants" are ripped off from other more well known comedians. Compare the following videos of Sean Kennedy ranting about suicide in 1999 and 2 ranting about suicide in 2010. See the similarities?
Previous Video | Next Video
Hollywood Performances
In a recent attempt to lend mainstream legitimacy to his pointless banter and lackluster performance skills, 2 announced that he had been given a headlining performance at The Comedy Store in Hollywood, CA -- a very prestigious and famous comedy club. It was an event he used insufferably to throw in the face of his critics. It was very little surprise to anyone with half a brain when, not only did 2 fail to appear at the club, but it was discovered he'd never even been on the lineup in the first place. Almost 500 unwashed, fursuited furfags turned out to the club to see the "performance" in what must have been the biggest health hazard in The Comedy Store's history. Most of them stormed out when they realized 2 was simply a sociopathic liar who had just stolen their money.
In an effort to save what few remaining fans he has, 2 continues to insist that he did the performance. When asked for proof by his own fans, he hides behind the very convenient excuse that The Comedy Store does not allow filming for legal reasons, in spite of the 500 enraged furries who are demanding their money back for the performance he didn't do. According to the FA journal of one of 2's disgruntled ex-roommates, he used the estimated $7500 to purchase an exotic animal license and a giraffe with which he regularly engages in sex play. Being a known zoophile, three police complaints have been filed against 2 for animal cruelty for incidents involving the giraffe.
2 redefines the English language
Last Thursday, 2 made another shocking and edgy post to his LiveJournal stating "cops are assholes". Combining the traditions of LiveJournal and furries everywhere, this brave taking-a-stand and thought-provoking statement caused a shitstorm of controversy resulting in a second post by 2. This post called everyone who hadn't lined up to lick his sandy mangina for his godlike wit and intelligence "morons" and told them to "go to hell :)" because he had obviously not meant all cops, no matter what his previous sweeping statement said. According to 2, it's everyone else's fault that they acquired gigantic amounts of butthurt over his statement due to everyone assuming he meant all cops. He further proceeded to tell everyone that they had only misinterpreted his words of wisdom because his e-fame makes him the target of terrorists, and not because he's full of shit and incapable of expressing his thoughts in a coherent way because he's too busy jerking off to Sonic porn. Despite his readers pwning him on the fact that he fails at life, 2 continued to valiantly defend his right to be a complete fucktard by saying that his way of English is the right way because of his learnings.
In other news, Merriam-Webster considered hiring 2 to make a tour teaching the world the proper way to use English, but they withdrew the offer when they learned he was pulling disability checks for the debilitating condition of talking out of his ass.
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"BAWWWWW NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ME" -
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autarchicflux explains How English Works... -
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In flies thedisgrace for the pwn! -
"I REFUSE TO TALK LIKE A HUMAN BEING BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE TOO STUPID TO UNDERSTAND ANYWAY." -
thedisgrace tries again to use Earth logic and tells 2 that he's asking for it. -
"YOU ARE WRONG. I KNOW BECAUSE OF MY LEARNINGS. NOBODY UNDERSTANDS MEEEEEEE."
2 Is Very Politically Conscious
One of 2's more famous hilarious rants is an epic dissection of "Why The World Hates America". In this most biting of satire, 2 is the very first person to point out that the uneducated masses and the then presidential administration is the reason the world frowns upon the most beloved of Yankee antics. With all the insight of Bill Hicks and cunning wit of Lenny Bruce, 2's stunning denouncement of the facist Amerifag power structure secured him as a brilliant figurehead amongst furries worldwide.
Immediately after this epic pwn of the capitalist pigs, 2 went sulking to the Department of Human Services and begged them for food stamps, as apparently the life of a genius political revolutionary is a thankless and simple life. But 2 would not sell out to the man so easily, and made it very clear that he would take the government stiflings, but he would also be an utter cuntrag about it. After securing his stolen WIC checks, he ran home to blog about the horrifying ordeal to his unwashed masses, detailing the oppression of someone that dared asked him if he could stop his incessant brooding long enough to fill out an application. The terrifying experience behind him, 2 continued his mission of informing the world that America's problems are all because of Republicans as he lives as a leach off the governments teat, all while refusing to get a job so he can hang around forty-eight-year-old men in soiled diapers talking about cartoons all day.
2 Gets Poisoned!!!
While performing at an English convention in 2008, 2 claims he was slipped something in a drink given to him by a passerby. After ingesting the substance, 2 began to panic and immediately called the authorities. What actually happened was he assumed that he could go to England and drink as much proper beer as he could American piss water, this resulted in him becoming completely hammered long before he assumed he should be. 2 maintains his blood alcohol level was way above what's generally considered fatal and that it was amazing he survived what was such a blatant attack on the visionary's life. He raged and threatened violence against those that had such callous disregard for his well being and promised swift revenge for an "attack" that was tantamount to him not being able to handle his liquor like a man and promptly screaming about an assassination attempt on him, though in all actuality someone drugging him an/or the audience may have been the only way for anyone to find 2 funny at all. The ordeal did actually bring one incredibly rare moment of hilarity for 2, however, as he blamed the incident on the furry fandom being overrun by gays and ravers; more than 80% of his beloved community. Needless to say, bricks were shat by indignant furries that had once championed 2 as a siren of counter culture.
Despite being so adamantly against what he sees as "furry drama", this incident made him the perfect example of it. Not only did 2 contrive a conspiracy against him from a non-happenstance, he then ducked out claiming to be the better man/unaffected by it (did it for the lulz, right?) all while his little faggot fanbase and cadre demands blood over it.
Bottom line: he's an alcoholic, and had a blackout. And nobody of value was surprised...
Versus Portal of Evil
Eventually 2 filled his website with enough inane bullshit that he ended up indexed on Portal of Evil. As he is a furfag, and furfags tend to over analyze shit to be offended over, 2 theorized that the website is made by Christians to gripe about "evil, un-Christian shit". Insisting that he was being attacked by religious fanatics, he spends several minutes talking about how that because his website became the target of PC fanatics that this was somehow an accomplishment and that he was an awesome, mind blowing rebel being singled out by those dedicated to silencing him. In what should come as no surprise to anyone, 2 had no idea what the fuck he was whining about, as people who don't have their head consistently up their own ass to smell the delicious aroma of their own shit know that Portal of Evil was pretty much the web 1.0 version of Encyclopedia Dramatica. Much to 2's blissful ignorance, no poster on the site actually thinks 2 or his rambling bullshit was evil, they were just pointing and laughing at his faggotry.
Rather than actually browse the site in question before making a judgement, 2 took twice the amount of time and instead complained about the Christfag onslaught while trying his damnedest to crack boring quips he believed to be hilarious jokes, which may be heard here.
Insisting that people continuously checked out his website because they are closet furries themselves while peppering his shitty rebuttal with hilariously offensive imagery, 2 goes on for about 8 minutes totally pwnving teh Christfagz! that were never there to begin with.
—Portal of Evil, totally convinced that 2 is omg evil!!1!!1! | ||
2's 15 Minutes
Last thursday, Heavy.com writers decided to write an article by clicking the Random page button on ED 20 times. Lucky enough to be selected in the fail lottery was 2 himself. Sharing the limelight with such lulz heavyweights as Chris chan, Snapesnogger and Goronchev, the website slanders the starving artist and his fine-tuned George Carlin imitation by suggesting that performing for basement dwelling furfags isn't nearly as lucrative as he has obviously been led to believe.
Here's hoping this inspires another hilarious rant!
2 Gryphon Advocates Suicide!
In a surprising episode of furry drama back in July, 2 Gryphon stepped into his own shit. Where he had made comments and expressed opinions that people should kill themselves and become an heroes if they can't handle cyber bullying. It all started with this video
It took furries 5 whole years to finally rile up enough of a storm and try to boycott 2 to perform at AnthroCon. Obviously this was a huge failure and 2 proceeded to perform. In the mist of all of this, it has gathered enough attention for 2 to be aware of the situation and play victim. As he has made not 1, but 2 videos to address the situation at hand.
2 Gryphon finds himself playing the pronoun game and beating around the bush of the matter as he claims that "if you don't like it, you don't have to listen to me!" cop out. Little does 2 know, with his infinite wisdom, that nobody cares what he says generally except for furries. Considering he has made a career off of being controversial and is desperate anymore to make himself relevant in these modern times.
The also harsh truth about 2 Gryphon is while he can dish criticism, he apparently can't take it and prefers to stick to his tight-knit band of fans and friends who plant themselves on their knees to take his cock in their mouths. Let's not forget, that when 2 Gryphon is confronted with the horrors of counter-arguments and his points of view challenged, he plays victim and denies it
Some more amusing ways in how 2 Gryphon argues his points. While cooking up imaginary statements for himself to argue against and appear more intelligent.
Facts about 2 Gryphon
- Claims to be "in it for the fans, not the fame" even though he's merely internet famous - if that - among the shunned and ridiculed outcasts of society.
- Posts racist furry cartoons on his LiveJournal.
- Is a vorephile, and has shaved his head so he can be swallowed more easily by fat, 52 year old Vietnamese men.
Classic 2 Quotes
Gallery
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Apparently an audience of not-neckbeards doesn't like getting screeched at. Go figure. -
"I haven't had a job, girlfriend, or life in ten years, but I'm about to be on Comedy Central because of it!
External Links
- 2 the Ranting Gryphon on WikiFur
- Ranting Gryphon Web Site To get a better idea of this furfag, listen to the Yiffing rant.
- His LiveJournal
- His Twitter
- His YouTube
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2 gryphon is part of a series on Visit the Furfaggotry Portal for complete coverage. |
