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Thomas Matthew Crooks
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Conspiracy Alert The subject of this article is the victim of a massive conspiracy by the Social Mafia. You should trust noone and come to your own conclusions after careful consideration of the facts. |
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THE TIN FOIL HATS ARE SAYING THAT CROOKS IS PART OF A REPUBLICAN CONSPIRACY TO GET TRUMP RE-ELECTED |
—Tommy, getting canned after one episode | ||
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| Thomas Matthew Crooks | |
| Born | September 20, 2003 |
| Died | July 13, 2024 (aged 20) |
| Nationality: | Americunt 
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| Highscore | Killed 1, injured 3 |
| Top 50? | No |
| Style | FPS, Single player |
| An Hero? | No, killed by Secret Service |
Inept and a complete fuck-up as an assassin, the Appalachian love child Thomas Matthew Crooks (a.k.a. Ree Tardy Oswald) obviously played one too many games of Ghost Recon Breakpoint rather than going to shoot at the range and learning to factor in conditions such as wind, or just fucking learning to shoot, because he completely missed his target who was a little more than 120 meters from him. (For the Americans and aspie retards reading this - who haven't had any experiences further than their own front lawn because they're not allowed to cross the street - that's a little more than a football field and is approximately equivalent to hitting a paper plate at the opposite end of a football field.)
Now before you go running to the FBI to try and get us Party Vanned, WE DO NOT CONDONE THIS! What's tickling our funny bone is that Thomas Matthew Crooks is what happens when that quiet, nerdy, and needy kid who walks through high school invisible and can't even get the attention of a bully, grows up to live in his parents' basement and is constantly reminded by mommy and daddy that he is a complete failure of a man. While his parents compare his life to what they had achieved by his age, he just wakes up one day and says "Fuck it!" and gives up on life. Having accomplished nothing of importance, he decides to go down having done one monumental event that gets him noticed.
The Shooting
For some reason, Thomas Matthew Crooks's father, despite being a licensed counselor in the incestuous state of Pennsylvania, saw no reason what-so-ever to question buying his chronically masturbating, hands rubbing, and talking to himself son a wonderful, American made AR-15 rifle with the excuse that it'd be used at the Clairton Sportsmen’s Club in greater Pittsburgh, two months before the attempted assassination of our future god-emperor Donald Trump.
While Trump was showing his supporters a chart, Thomas Matthew Crooks fired a shot that illegally crossed into the rally, striking former god-emperor Trump in the ear just as he turned his head. As expected, after hearing the shot, the Secret Service, ready to take a bullet for our former President, surrounded Trump and quickly led him from the stage to safety.
What had some officials' panties in a bunch was that this assassination attempt was even allowed to happen. Both Republicans and Democrats agree that there was some fault in security that allowed a crazy-ass shooter to get within 120 meters of the former President with a weapon and fire 8 shots.
Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro N. Mayorkas called the attempted assassination a “failure”, and in reality, every officer there will have their smart phones quietly confiscated to see who was playing Angry Birds when they should have been protecting a Presidential Candidate.
Trying to make the assassination attempt on Trump all about himself, President Joe Biden was quoted as saying, "Jill and I are grateful to the Secret Service for getting him to safety. There's no place for this kind of violence in America. We must unite as one nation to condemn it."
After the shooting, it was revealed that Thomas' last online search was for porn, raising his shot count to 11 (EDiots are currently using a Ouija Board to figure out what he was cocking his other rifle to).
He was also discovered to have made searches for Ethan Crumbley, explosive-building instructions, the date of the Democratic National Convention, and major depressive disorder. With his lack of a manifesto and extreme political views, he likely didn't care which political side he hurt as long as he went down in history.
Gallery
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GET -
REKT -
Skill issue tbh -
"Huh, he's white"
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Top 10 photos taken minutes before disaster -
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Shot the wrong guy dumbass -
Pwnt -
What really happened -
Tis but a scratch -
Overview of the map -
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Trump's new look -
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"I shot him?" -
His instrument of annihilation -
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Trunk filled with BOMBS
The Man - The Failure: Thomas Matthew Crooks
Thomas Matthew Crooks enters our page with a High Score lower than that of one of the most utterly complete failures in life - a white supremacist living a lonely, horny, autistic, and angry fucktard lifestyle who named himself AlGore and would have aborted his pathetic attempt at a killing spree if a specific type of girl (blonde, white and blue eyed) said that she wanted to play bump-bump with him.
Dying alone, Thomas Matthew Crooks could be said to have lived the same life as William Atchison, as they both died lying face down with a bullet hole in their heads.
People that were aware of him described him as a recluse who only came out to walk around their neighborhood wearing headphones and interacting with no one. Others said that the only time you really saw someone outside his house for an extended period of time was when the lawn needed mowing.
Unlike 99% of Zoomers his age, Thomas had little known social media presence, with only an inactive Discord account that was BALEETED!!! upon discovery. Instead of arguing about politics online, he spent his time on the computer gayming, learning to code, and playing chess.
Proudly graduating from Bethel Park High School in 2022, his peers described him as quiet, friendly, and a good student, unlike one of those silent, trenchcoat-wearing school shooters. No one imagined he was capable of even thinking about killing the former President.
Kylie Katilius, who lived up the street from Thomas, called him a danger and a threat on the shooting range when he tried out for his high school shooting team. She was quoted as saying, "If he was on lane seven, he was shooting all the way over on lane one. Mistakes happen, but full on shooting a different wall, he had to be doing something big wrong." The school denied Thomas ever tried out for the team.
Kylie Katilus said that the shooting coach was infuriated by Thomas' lack of gun safety, and he would never be allowed on the team until he could show a minimal amount understanding of gun safety.
Julianna Grooms tells a different story, saying that Crooks was the target of bullies who nicknamed him "The School Shooter" and found it easy to make fun of him for his poor hygiene, because like most SpongeBob SquarePants shirt-wearing brony aspies, he thought that showering in Ass Body Spray would hide his stench and get him the girls.
After graduating high school, and unlike so many of the people populating our High Score list, Thomas actually tried to better himself. He spent two years getting an Associate's Degree in Engineering Science from Alleghany County Community College, unaware that if you didn't have a diploma with a name at the top such as OSU, Penn State, or Texas A & M, you might as well be holding a piece of freshly used toilet paper in your hand.
Much like so many with a useless community college or online degree, Thomas was able to pass a background check and find himself a minimum wage job that had him working at low pay for Bethel Park Skilled Nursing and Rehabilitation Center. His duties included handing out meals, cleaning up shit that the loose bowels of old people leave on the floor for him to clean up, or having to change the sheets and clothes of someone with a weak bladder that refuses a catheter because it means that they can't move around.
—Bill Maher | ||
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