John F. Kennedy

High score?

Famous video game character

Nixon learns of JFK's murder

John F. Kennedy is a famous video game character who created drama after making a cameo appearance in JFK Reloaded and also was apart of one of the most famous video game kills when he was 360 noscoped by enemy player Lee Harvey Oswald.

Kennedy was also a former president of the United States (and king of Camelot) as well as a Jew-loving, womanizing, drunken and warmongering scumbag who got us balls deep in Nam.

He spent his entire career obsessing over Fidel Castro before being assassinated himself by CIA Agent Alex Mason at the end of Call of Duty: Black Ops, effectively turning Walter Cronkite into an Emo. Even thou JFK claimed to be a decorated World War II veteran, it was later proven that he played no role in the Call of Duty: World at War game. More controversy was also in the works after JFK, while in Berlin, admitted that he was a jelly doughnut IRL.

A similar conspiracy claimed the life of John's younger brother Bobby, who was killed for knowing too much about Marilyn Monroe. But another, cleverer NSA black-op effort to target Teddy Kennedy failed when the Massachusetts senator now rotting corpse cunningly managed to drown the young female assassin at Chappaquiddick.

Enemy killcam

Did You Know?

Oswald was shot to conceal the secret of jewish magic bullets

"Mr President - The late Marilyn Monroe"

• That JFK didn't do Marilyn Monroe because she was easy, he did her because he was hard!

• That the Kennedy family death curse inspired the "Final Destination" films?

• That he had it coming?

• That the legacy of JFK's infamous assassination is used as an excuse for the Kennedy's to legally get away with everything?

• That John F. Kennedy couldn't handle the mean streets of Dallas?

• That Bobby Kennedy was killed by some guy who was probably a foreigner or at least looked like a foreigner and had a stupid repeated name (Sirhan Sirhan)?

• That if you get caught committing a crime, and your last name is Kennedy, you automatically get a free pass from being held accountable?

• That the Irish cannot be trusted with authority, liquor, females, cars, cars with bombs in them, Margaret Thatcher, Cuba policy, jobs that should go to real Americans of English descent, or television shows?

• That if you make your vice-president a Texan, he will kill you in order to get the job for himself?

• That JFK's sister created the Special Olympics, where you're still retarded if you win, kind of like arguing on the Internets?

• That a cash prize ($100,000 or was it $10,000?) was offered for the first person to successfully play a video game in a way that matched the lone and insane gunman theory (a.k.a. single gun theory)? The makers got a cash payment from Teddy before anyone claimed the prize and then promptly pulled the game. Try to find the game, or most comments on it, and be prepared for a crapflood.

• That John F. Kennedy was flagged for PvP at the time he was assassinated?

“	During that tense flight from Dallas to Washington after the assassination, Jackie inadvertently walked in on Johnson as he was standing over the casket of his predecessor and chuckling... Of course, President Johnson is often given to inappropriate response—witness the puzzled timing of his smiles when he speaks of grave matters—but we must also assume that Mrs. Kennedy had been traumatized that day and her perception was likely to have been colored by the tragedy. This state of shock must have underlain an incident on Air Force One which this writer conceives to be delirium, but which Mrs. Kennedy insists she actually saw. `I'm telling you this for the historical record,' she said, `so that people a hundred years from now will know what I had to go through... That man was crouching over the corpse, no longer chuckling but breathing hard and moving his body rhythmically. At first I thought he must be performing some mysterious symbolic rite he'd learned from Mexicans or Indians as a boy. And then I realized—there is only one way to say this—he was literally fucking my husband in the throat. In the bullet wound in the front of his throat. He reached a climax and dismounted. I froze. The next thing I remember, he was being sworn in as the new president.'	„
—Jackie Onasis

Why they killed JFK

SUCK MY FUCK!

Some say that he secretly opposed the Vietnam War (although he ratcheted it up IRL), others say that he thought Israel developing a shitload of nukes might be a little dangerous and wanted to stop them (since no-one heard this theory until last Thursday it's probably right), and yet others say it was all because he wanted to out the super-seekrit space-alien-hunters at Project Majestic. There are about a dozen other theories, so fuck knows, the lone gunman story will always be the coolest, but we're all pulling for something much darker!

Examples of conspiracy theories

Sadly Lee Harvey Oswald never got his iPod.

• Oswald acted alone
• Assy Hole Grassy Knoll shooter
• Dal-Sex Building Dal-Tex Building shooter
• A Secret Service agent shot Kennedy by mistake
• Drain pipe shooter (but srsly who would make themselves smell like shit to kill this guy?)
• IN SOVIET RUSSIA, CONSPIRACY DEBUNK YOU!!!!
• Titel Asstro Fidel Castro
• CIA did it
• FBI did it
• The driver did it
• Jackie did it
• The British Royals did it
• W did it
• JFK's retarded sister did it, as revenge on Kennedy's daddy for forcing her to get a lobotomy
• JEWS DID JFK!!!!!
• Kennedy got himself killed before the Soviets beat him to the punch (or just for the lulz)
• Bobby did it
• Kennedy faked his death
• Cuba did it
• YOU did it, you jackoff commie-scum!
• YOUR MOM did it
• Joe DiMaggio did it for revenge.
• Actually, LBJ did it. Fact!

How to troll conspiracy theorists

Artist's depiction of the JFK assassination as it happened.

• Tell them you think Oswald acted alone (vise versa for Warren Commission circle jerkers).
• Tell them they are wrong.
• After they reply with a 1,000 word essay on how they're right, just give a one word response like, "No".
• Make them play JFK: Reloaded.
• Joke about the assassination.
• Tell them Kennedy sucked at being president.
• Say that Kennedy deserved to die.
• Ruin their little forum debates by spamming "CHOWDAH!".
• Write your own theory, and after it gets followers, tell them you lied.
• State an existing theory as if you thought of it.
• Argue with them.
• Say LBJ was a noble man.
• Call the Warren Commission the most factual and accurate account of the assassination evar.
• Make a Jewtube video of the Zapruder Film and point out retarded shit (Example: HOLY SHIT! DA DRIVFUR TURNED AROUND! HE MUST OV SHOT TEH PWREZIDANT!), and on a sock puppet account, make a video debunking your theory. Watch the flames ensue.
• Refer to Lee Harvey Oswald as a celebrity.

Snapshots of History: A President Pwnt

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  JFK giving his infamous "Ich bin ein berliner [jam doughnut or maybe even sausage]" speech June 26, 1963 in Berlin. The crowd went fucking wild for no apparent reason.
• 
  Pwnt.
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  More skull fragments than brains: The story of his life.
• 
  The second gunman on the grassy knoll.
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  Grindcore

New and startling evidence

The following videos provide new and startling insights into the horrific and thoughtless crime that made a nation cry, beat its collective breast, and almost commit mass-suicide.

JFK Reloaded funny bug

Physics fun with JFK Reloaded

Best Jfk Reloaded moment of all time

Previous Video | Next Video

The truth

Lee Harvey Oswald killed Pres. Kennedy. Enough said. End of story.

YouTube

The Professor Brothers - History Lesson (JFK)

Gallery

Gallery About missing Pics

• 
  Boy... THAT escalated quickly.
• 
  He's smiling about sending Jackie out on a vacation so he can bang some skank hoez!!!11
• 
  Showing everyone in Dallas he did.
• 
  HOW DO I SHOT JFK?
• 
  And nothing of value was lost

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

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• 
  gay
• 
  This proves it was dapper jew midgets!!
• 
• 
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  The original poster used to recruit the gunmen who weren't patsies.
• 

See also

• JFK Reloaded
• Marilyn Monroe
• Robert F. Kennedy
• Ted Kennedy
• Conspiracy
• Tinfoil hats
• Communist
• Jesus Christ

External links

John F. Kennedy is part of a series on The History of The Lulz

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John F. Kennedy is part of a series on Politics.

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John F. Kennedy is part of a series on acronyms

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Featured article November 22 & 23, 2013
Preceded by Polygamy	John F. Kennedy	Succeeded by War Thunder