Pittsburgh
Pittsburgh is a major city and shithole of epic proportions. The only name known to man that could convey such a sense of shitiness is Youngstown, but Ohio already has laid claim to that name. Located in Pennsylvania, the United States (There's also one in Kansas, but who gives a shit because it doesn't have a football team). It was most notable for being a steel and financial capital, now known more or less for its technology and colleges. With an average of 2.3M residents, Pittsburgh was rated in 2007 "The most livable city", and in 2006 the "25th cleanest city in the world", despite the fact that over 9000 percent of the city is taken up by a slum full of transvestite black person prostitutes. It is situated between a series of mountains and valleys, which makes winter driving near impossible unless you have a Panzer tank or 4WD.
History
Pittsburgh, the German word for "City of Potholes", was founded in the 1600s by a group of settlers that nobody cares about. The city, originally a French outpost called "Fort Duquesne" (pronounced "Doo-kane", srsly - but continue to pronounce it "doo-quez-knee" for the lulz!), was based on a triangular peninsula which split the Ohio River into the Monongahela and Allegheny. The English, keen on preventing the spread of faggotry into the Western Frontier, sent Gen. Edward Braddock to capture the town. However, the French and Indians pwned him so badly that, to this day, the town of Braddock is one of the sorriest ghettos in Western Pennsylvania. The English then sent Gen. John Forbes, who thoroughly raeped the French and Indians, renaming the area "Fort Pitt" and making the new Western Frontier safe for everybody.
Pittsburgh's industrial past is murky and cloudy - and unfortunately that's not in any metaphorical sense. Steel production in the 18-1900's heavily polluted the area. Boston writer Dolly James Parton famously referred to the city as "hell with the lid off", which is widely recognized as the first compliment anyone had ever thrown at Pittsburgh. In the 1970's, China was so helpful as to ease Pittsburgh's steel burden. Pittsburgh's air pollution is just as bad as before, but now is transparent and thusly much more aesthetically pleasing.
Residents
Lulzworthy residents (past and present) include:
- Cindy Crosby - Center, Pittsburgh Penguins
- Fred Rogers - world-renounced pedophile and TV host
- Some of these EDiots
- Luca Shoal - Notorious furfag
- Ashley Todd - Not quite a resident, but a guest in Pittsburgh who "faked a Political-related assault" by a black person.
- Richard Poplawski- Shot and killed 3 cops, injuring 2 more before failing himself.
- George Sodini - Couldn't get a girlfreind so he shot some.
- Urinatingtree: Famous Sports YouTuber.
- Kero the Wolf: An even more notorious furfag than Luca Shoal, and sick fuck who did horrible shit with animals.
Hipster Culture
According to a recent article[1] from the Washington Post, Pittsburgh has officially surpassed Portland as the most hip city in America, due mostly to its large community of the creatures attending its numerous universities. Oakland and Southside are two of the more popular areas to find these hipsters, as it's nearly impossible to walk down the street in either of these locations without seeing a 20 something college student wearing a flannel and sunglasses while listening to an iPod. Not only is recent rise in hipsterdom due to the number of colleges in the area, but also due to the city's industrial, working class history in which hipsters love to fancy themselves a part of. Beware, if you attempt to attend any social gathering in Pittsburgh without wearing a flannel and bringing a case of either PBR or Duquesne Pilsner, you will most likely be tarred and feathered.
Higher EDucation
Surprisingly, Pittsburgh has a metric fuckton of colleges and universities, catering to all kinds. Most students leave Pittsburgh after they have matriculated. The major colleges are noted below, with a brief description of the average student.
- Carlow University - Catholic girls, the occasional feminazi
- Carnegie-Mellon University - Azns, Aspies, more azns
- Chatham University - Lesbians, lesbians and lesbians! Call in the next ten minutes and we'll throw in a free carpet muncher!
- Duquesne University - Catholics, Jocks who couldn't make it into Pitt, faggots, lawyers, kikes
- Point Park University - Camwhores, dancy-prancy boys that get hit by busses on Stanwix Street, OMG A ZOOM BUTTON
- Robert Morris University - White People, Criminals, drunk bitches
- University of Pittsburgh (Pitt) - Jocks, dumbasses, blacks, Azns who couldn't get into CMU
- CCAC - Basement Dwellers, the occasional smart one, eatbeasts
Anthrocon
Moar info: Anthrocon.
After Filthadelphia told the furfags to GTFO in 2005, Pittsburgh welcomed the furries with open arms and fapping hands. Anthrocon takes places in the Westin Hotel/David L Lawrence Convention Center, usually in the summer. Furries are easily trolled from a moving car, as most stand around outside/drink at the nearby Tonic Bar.
Pittsburgh G20
Probably due to a typographical error at the White House, the G-20 summit was held in Pittsburgh September 24-25, 2009. Pittsburgh experienced little of the carnage other G20s have experienced, because everyone was too chickenshit to go anywhere near Downtown.
Luke Steelerstahl
Mayor Luke "Steelerstahl" Ravenstahl was elected into office after previous mayor Bob O'Connor got fed up with Guy Costa and Dan Onorato, and kicked the bucket.
In 2005, while Ravenstahl was still on City Council, he was detained and handcuffed by Pittsburgh Police after being a faggot at a Steelers' game. Some argue that he used his political pull to get off; Ravenstahl denies this.
Replaced by Bill Peduto,yet another liberal highly susceptible to cronyism.
TRAVEL NOTICE
All rivers in Pittsburgh are treated as international boundaries by locals. To cross one requires shots and a passport. At every bridge crossing a river there are guard shacks where you must succumb to a full body cavity search. This is because a state of war exists between the North Hills and the South Hills. The only thing the North and South hate more than each other is those fruity fuckers who live in Pittsburgh proper, between the two rivers.
Outlying Suburbs and Communities
Pittsburgh can be divided into five separate areas:
Pittsburgh Metro Area
Includes areas like Oakland, Downtown, Shadyside, Squirrel Hill. Mostly areas filled with preppy PITT/Duquesne kids and serious business, though some neighborhoods contain high levels of jews, hippies and greenpeace faggots. Downtown Pittsburgh can be described as "Mini-Manhattan", giving everything a centralized feel. Upscale shopping can be found in South Side, along with hundreds, if not thousands of bars on East Carson Street.
Ghetto areas within the city limits include the Hill District, East Liberty, Homewood/Brushton, Lincoln/Larimer, and Garfield. However, Pittsburgh has recently figured out that ghetto high-rise dwellings are a Very Bad Idea and has taken to blowing them up in favor of cheapass row houses.
Lawrenceville, once a proud ghetto, was taken over last Thursday by gays, hipsters and trannies, who finally realized that Shadyside was too damn expensive. Some argue that there are now more gay bars per square mile in Lawrenceville than anywhere else in America.
Pittsburgh South (South Hills)
Sprawling suburbs and subdivisions, shopping malls, Cadillac Escalades and preppy high school kids. This is where most "Yinzers" reside. Famous neighborhoods include Dormont, Mt. Lebanon, Upper St. Clair, Bethel Park, and Castle Shannon. Raves are plentiful, as are lighter drugs (2C-I, Marijuana, MDMA, K, et al). If the mood strikes you, visit the Bethel Park Police Department, go upstairs and MOLEST A 7 YEAR OLD.
Pittsburgh East (East Hills)
East Pittsburgh is home to world-famous ghetto McKeesport, which holds the record for "First Double Homicide" of 2006 and "First Vehicluar Manslaughter" of 2009. Other areas include White Oak and North Versailles, as well as Duquesne, Braddock, Turtle Creek; all areas are susceptible to carjacking if you are white. Great areas to score hardcore drugs, such as coke, meth, and heroin.
Monroeville used to be the shopping capital of the East until 1978, when Monroeville Mall was taken over by zombies, presumably from Penn Hills. The black person siege of the Eastern Suburbs continues to this day, although Monroeville itself may be saved from the black person insurrection by Azns.
The whitest of the white people can be found in Oakmont, which until 2005 had the lulziest intersection in Pennsylvania -- Hulton Road, Allegheny Avenue, Allegheny River Blvd., and a CONRAIL line. Serious injuries occurred on a weekly basis, with a fatality approximately monthly. Unfortunately, Allegheny County needs the white people to pay their taxes, so the intersection was converted from a death trap to a six-hour wait in all directions.
Pittsburgh West (West Hills)
Home of car dealerships, office buildings and Pittsburgh International Airport (see below), Pittsburgh West includes some ghettos and upscale neighborhoods, as well as the only Ikea within 100 miles.
There really is a Leet Township to the Northwest of Pittsburgh. As one may correctly surmise, it's ironically named, as it's tiny, non-descript and boring as Hell. Geeks who aren't from the area will laugh for 14 seconds upon learning of this, before returning to their game of Magic.
Pittsburgh North (North Hills)
Mostly ghetto trash and rundown hotels, Pittsburgh North includes exciting areas such as Cranberry, Ross Township, Bellevue, Wexford, Shaler, Glenshaw, Etna, etc. and should be avoided at all costs, unless you really like rundown areas. Then again, you do lurk ED after all. You will often find the homeless here. They are also known to migrate to inner city Steeler/Pirate games to beg for money off you.
Transportation
Public Transportation
Pittsburgh has both a public bus and rail system, which are incomprehensible and have best been described as "a failure of common sense". Busses run on whatever schedule they feel like, if they feel like running at all. The T, Pittsburgh's rail system, runs on a relatively timely schedule, though service is almost constantly re-routed or detoured due to line maintenance. Cabs are few and far between in areas other than the airport and Downtown, though they are cheap and for the most part clean. Cabbies in Pittsburgh are mostly American and speak English, and are often times quite amusing. Remember to not tip and always suggest new routes, as most cab drivers are new residents and love hearing what tourists have to say!
By Air
Should you choose to visit Pittsburgh, your best bet is via Pittsburgh International Airport. Once US Airways' pride and joy, the airport is now in disrepair with most concourses closed off due to vacancy. Delays are unlikely due to the low volume of flights in and out of PIT. Most flights will connect via Charlotte, NC or Chicago, IL. If you're lucky, you can score La Guardia, New York City. Some direct "Senior Special" flights to Florida are offered. Most flights are operated by Southwest Airlines or a subsidary of US Failways. Fear not though, Pittsburgh was rated the #2 Least Stressful airport by The FAA.
By Rail
Twenty years ago, the Amtrak station was moved from the main Union Station building to a little room on the Liberty Avenue side of the building. Despite how long ago this was, every old person and train enthusiast still stupidly yank repeatedly on the locked front doors of the building, which is now an apartment building.
Proving that Pittsburgh is still behind the times, Amtrak service for Pittsburgh disembarks just 2 blocks from the Convention Center, for the penny-pinching furfag, or possible dramaticans. Local bus service (See above) is available to many destinations around the travel area, as are cabs - but you can also walk, faggot.
By Car
If the orange barrels, "CONSTRUCTION ZONE" and "INCREASED PENALTIES" signs don't scare you off, driving through Pittsburgh is quite a breeze - well, not so much of a breeze as a foul odor. Traffic is minimal throughout the day, compared to other major cities. Downtown Pittsburgh is a maze of one-way streets, dead ends, and bridges. If you reach your destination, a small man will give you a gold key. Nobody has ever discovered what the key does. Route 60/I-*79 is a constant work in progress, and will almost never lead you to your true destination. I-376 congestion is by far the worst in Pittsburgh, and should be avoided at all costs during rush hour; unless of course you feel like listening to KDKA 1020 while sitting in traffic.
Key Players (Sports)
Fans
Pittsburgh fans are some of the most delusional in pro sports. They go beyond homerism into outright denial, thinking that their championships are legitimate and not gifts from the governing body, and that their team leaders can never do any wrong. They can't read, can't reason, and usually cannot perform basic math when it comes to reviewing a stat sheet. They never let hard facts get in the way of reminding everyone how many championships their teams have won. They think the referees have it in for them, yet never seem to protest when things are handed to them, such as Super Bowls and Stanley Cups.
They are, however, lucky in the respect that Pittsburgh is the only city with multiple major (yes, the NHL is as delusional as the Steeltown fan, still thinking it's a "major" sports league) sports teams where all three share the same color scheme, black, gold and white. This means that frequently you will see Penguins gear at Pirates games, people in Steelers jerseys at Penguins games all over the NHL, and Pirates jerseys at... who are we kidding? Nobody wears Pirates gear because they just plain suck. Losers know their own kind and avoid being associated with other loser. It is also a boon for the millions of unemployed fatasses (they love their pirogies and sandwiches stuffed with fries!) in town that they only need one XXXXL Polamalu jersey for all the sporting events they attend.
Pittsburgh Pirates
See also: Losers
Once one of the proudest franchises in the National League with five World Series wins, the Ass-Pirates have been the poster child for prolonged Epic Fail, having not had a winning season since 1992. Coincidentally, this was also the last season that black person played for the Pirates, prior to moving to San Francisco and ballooning due to steroids. It is a matter of heated debate among Pirate fans -- all six of them -- whether 18 losing seasons is worth not having Bonds. The fag ass Pirates are also famous for trading their best players and having a family audience game. So basically you can't say fuck at a game or the 80 year old security guard will kick your ass out of the stadium.
Pittsburgh Penguins
See also: Cindy Crosby
An Epic Fail organization from its inception in 1967, it took even Mario Lemieux seven years to make them winners; achieving the Stanley Cup in 1991 and 1992. However, Mario got repeatedly raeped by back problems and cancer, and Jaromir Jagr couldn't stop crying long enough to score; thus, the Pens went back to Epic Fail mode for several more years until their failures got them two #1 overall draft picks -- Marc-André Fleury and Sidney Crosby. They also managed to cause butthurt across all of Russia by pulling Evgeni Malkin out of Magnetosibirsk. The Penguins managed to make the Finals in 2008, but got pwned by Detroit. The following year, however, Malkin led the way through the playoffs to get the Penguins their third Stanley Cup, making /sp/artan's everywhere weep (except CapitalistBastard and this author).
Crosby still lives, and will always live with team owner Mario Lemieux. Despite making $8.7 million dollars per year playing hockey, he is still too much of a coward (and loves how Mario "tucks him in" at night) to get his own apartment. In his spare time he likes whining at referees, punching other NHL players in the nuts and showing the boys what he can do with those big soft lips of his.
Pittsburgh Steelers
See also: Nobody Cares
Originally founded in 1933 as a money laundering front for bootlegger Art Rooney, the Steelers languished in periods of epic fail and almost-good until 1972, when Franco Harris made the greatest catch in NFL history. This led to four Super Bowls in the 1970's. After another decade of suck, the Steelers had glimpses of glory in the mid 1990's, until Neil O'Donnell committed the biggest fail in team history in Superbowl XXX. The team sucked ass (possibly literally) under Kordell Stewart for several years until Ben Roethlisberger came to down, bringing them two more Super Bowls and causing butthurt in Arizona and Seattle.
When he's not being accused of stiffing maintenance chicks at classy hotels in Arizona or seedy bars in Georgia or face-raping women on his birthday, Raeplisberger can be seen frequently on /sp/ with the caption "Clutch", as the antithesis to 18-1.
ROTFLisberger gets hurt every time someone looks at him funny - between the excitement of his victories and terror for his well-being he has caused more heart attacks than anything else in Pittsburgh history.
The Steelers are sworn enemies of the Cleveland Browns; partly because of the proximity, but mostly because they are easy to beat.
[TLDR]
Pitt Panthers
The University of Pittsburgh is the only university in the city with a major sports program (don't let RMU or Duquesne say otherwise). That said, Pitt has not won a major NCAA title since 1976, but at least Pitt is not WVU. Pitt plays in the Big East Conference, known for happily kickbanning the likes of Miami (FL), Virginia Tech, and Boston College in favor of big-time schools like South Florida and Cincinnati.
Pitt football, since its epic win of 1976, has languished in periods of fail interspersed with occasional minor victories. Most of these victories have come under the eye of Walt Harris or Dave Wannstedt. Sadly, Pitt has not won a bowl game in at least 100 years, but nobody seems to notice as long as Pitt continues to beat the snot out of WVU in the yearly game known as "The Backyard Brawl".
Pitt mens' basketball, some argue, is the best team in America who can't win a big game. This is shown by the fact that Pitt has the best regular-season record over the past decade but has only gone past the Sweet 16 once -- the equivalent of 18-1 happening repeatedly over 10 years. This is likely due to coaches Ben Howland and Jamie Dixon recruiting great players, running them in the ground every year until February, and expecting them to still be able to walk (let alone play) come March Madness.
See the sights
- Mt. Washington - Overlooks the city, wonderful place for a quiet, romantic date.
- USX Steel Tower - 64 floors of pure magnificence. Soon to be renamed the "WE'RE U-P-M-FUCKING-C, FAGGOTS! BOW TO YOUR OVERLORDS!!" building.
- Cathedral of Learning - Tallest academic building in the Western Hemisphere (also, fuck Moscow)
- Point Park - Great place to picnic. Swim in the brown river if you dare! Hosts the annual Arts Fair.
- H. J. Heinz History Museum - Pittsburgh invented a lot of shit, like :) and Heinz Ketchup. Come see it all!
- Andy Warhol Museum - Modern art from a time when art mattered. HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS
- Andy Warhol's Grave - Located at the intersection of Connor Rd. and Route 88, just behind The T station. Great tourist attraction!
- Oakland/Shadyside - Drugs, hospitals, colleges! Oh, and stuck-up rich faggots.
- Squirrel Hill - The largest concentration of Jews in North America outside of New York, srsly.
- Bethel Park - Most corrupt police department next to the 1992 LAPD
- Mr. Smalls Theatre - Great venues by big name bands
- Irish Center - Raves, raves, raves!
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