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Ahmad Al Aliwi Al-Issa: Difference between revisions

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{{ib|[[File:AhmadAlIssa.jpg|250px|You can smell him from here.]]}}
{{ib|[[File:AhmadAlIssa.jpg|250px]]}}
{{Ibhead|<big>'''Ahmad Al Aliwi Al-Issa'''</big>}}
{{Ibhead|<big>'''Ahmed al-Issa'''</big>}}
{{Ibrow|'''Nationality:'''|[[Syria]]n&nbsp;&nbsp;[[File:Syria-Flag-icon.png]]}}
{{Ibrow|'''Born'''|April 17, 1999 ({{age|1999|4|17}} years old)}}
{{Ibrow|'''[[High Score]]'''|10 killed, 0 injured}}
{{Ibrow|'''Nationality'''|[[Syria|Sandnigger]] [[Americunt|Amerimutt]]&nbsp;&nbsp;[[File:Syria-Flag-icon.png]]&nbsp;&nbsp;[[File:MiniflagUSA.png]]}}
{{Ibrow|'''[[high score|Highscore]]'''|Killed 10}}
{{Ibrow|'''Top 50?'''|No}}
{{Ibrow|'''Top 50?'''|No}}
{{Ibrow|'''Style'''|FPS, Single player}}
{{Ibrow|'''Style'''|FPS, Single Player}}
{{Ibrow|'''[[An Hero]]?'''|No}}
{{Ibrow|'''[[An Hero]]?'''|No, v& for 1,334 years}}
{{Ibrow|'''Motive'''|[[Idklol]]}}
{{Ibend}}
{{Ibend}}
'''Ahmad Al Aliwi al-Issa'''{{Muslim}} (a.k.a. '''Assmed''', '''[[Jeff Dunham|Achmed]]''', and '''[[Osama bin Laden|Osama bin Bullied]]''') is a prime example of a rare breed of [[neckbeard]]; the [[Muslim|rag-headed]] neckbeard (sometimes referred to as the brown-crested cell phone bomber). He decided to prove how [[cool]] he was to all of his [[bullying|bullies]] by [[going postal|shooting up]] a fucking King Soopers grocery store in Boulder, [[Colorado]], as if [[murder|murdering]] bored strangers at random while they wonder which flavor of [[Hot Pockets]] they want to take home will somehow ease your [[crybaby]] hurty feels. Why he didn't simply become a [[serial killer]] and slowly murder his [[high school]] bullies one by one over the course of several years so as to not get caught, like a proper [[edgelord]], we will never know. Instead we got a whiny spaz shooting a bunch of [[old people|old ladies]] while they were buying a fresh batch of Depends and denture cream at their local supermarket. That'll show 'em, Achmed!


'''Ahmad Al Aliwi Al-Issa'''{{muslim}} (a.k.a. '''Assmed''', '''[[Jeff Dunham|Achmed]]''', and '''Osama bin Bullied''') is a prime example of a rare breed of [[neckbeard]]; the [[Muslim|rag-headed]] neckbeard (sometimes referred to as the brown-crested cell phone bomber). He decided to prove how cool he was to all of his bullies by shooting up a fucking King Soopers grocery store in Boulder, [[Colorado]], as if murdering bored strangers at random while they wonder which flavor of [[Hot Pockets]] they want to take home will somehow ease your [[crybaby]] hurty feels. Why he didn't simply become a serial killer and slowly murder his high school bullies one by one over the course of several years so as to not get caught, like a proper [[edgelord]], we will never know. Instead we got a whiny spaz shooting a bunch of old ladies while they were buying a fresh batch of Depends and denture cream at their local supermarket. That'll show 'em, Achmed!
[[BILLY MAYS|But wait, there's more!]] It gets much weirder and [[lulz|funnier]], we promise! Read on, fellow [[fags]]!


[[BILLY MAYS|But wait, there's more!]] It gets much weirder and funnier, we promise! Read on, fellow fags!
== History of Yet Another Shooter Faggot ==


==History of Yet Another Shooter Faggot==
[[File:AhmadAlIssaWrestlingMedalsNAGA.jpg|right|thumb|250px|[[Osama bin Laden|Osama bin Bullied]] showing off how he got the gold medal for <s>[[buttsex]]</s> [[wrestling]]. Totally not [[gay]] at all. Despite having the hair, face, and body of a middle-aged man, he was actually a teenager in this picture.]]


[[File:AhmadAlIssaWrestlingMedalsNAGA.jpg|right|thumb|250px|Osama bin Bullied showing off how he got the gold medal for <s>buttsex</s> wrestling. Totally not gay at all. Despite having the hair, face, and body of a middle-aged man, he was actually a teenager in this picture.]]
We here at [[ED]] can already hear your guff. "He's not a real [[raghead|rag-head]]! I bet he's one of those suburban [[White Devils|white]] [[gunt]]s that just changed his name and joined a sleeper cell, right?" WRONG! While he did grow up in the [[Jewnited States of Americunts|U.S.]] (Arvada, [[Colorado]]) and [[Basement-dweller|live in his mom's basemen]]t like most of your run-of-the-mill [[fedora]]-wearing [[faggots]], he was born in [[Syria]] and lived there for a few years before [[No Human Being is Illegal|immigrating]] to the U.S. along with his smelly family; thus he barely passed the requirements needed to be considered a rag-headed [[neckbeard]] (his car-bombing name being the one he was actually born with really helps a lot). This led to him being bullied for being the bloated, body odor-reeking, carpet-bowing sand nigger that he was. Maybe if he had simply taken a shower and applied some deodorant while hitting the gym he could've at least went out ''not'' smelling like old socks and looking like a discarded, hairy [[Fat|beanbag chair]] with a severe case of premature [[bald|balding]] that made him such a prime target for ridicule.
We here at ED can already hear your guff. "He's not a real rag-head! I bet he's one of those suburban white [[gunt]]s that just changed his name and joined a sleeper cell, right?" WRONG! While he did grow up in the US (Arvada, Colorado) and live in his mom's basement like most of your run-of-the-mill [[fedora]]-wearing [[faggots]], he was born in [[Syria]] and lived there for a few years before immigrating to the US along with his smelly family; thus he barely passed the requirements needed to be considered a rag-headed neckbeard (his car-bombing name being the one he was actually born with really helps a lot). This led to him being bullied for being the bloated, body odor-reeking, carpet-bowing sand nigger that he was. Maybe if he had simply taken a shower and applied some deodorant while hitting the gym he could've at least went out ''not'' smelling like old socks and looking like a discarded, hairy [[Fat|beanbag chair]] with a severe case of premature [[bald]]ing that made him such a prime target for ridicule.


Even Achmed's own [[family]] knew what a fuck-up he was. His brother tried to warn people about his [[antisocial]] behavior and refusal to bathe being obvious signs that he should never be allowed to own [[firearms]], but no one listened. Instead they watched as he spiraled downward into [[delusions]] about being interesting. He would [https://nypost.com/2021/03/23/police-identify-ahmad-alyssa-21-as-suspect-in-boulder-shooting/ frequently claim] that people were following him, even though it was quite clear that literally no one ever gave two shits about him in his entire life, and he was simply living out a fantasy of being Jason Bourne's fat, gay, retarded cousin with zero life skills.
Even Achmed's own [[family]] knew what a fuck-up he was. His brother tried to warn people about his [[antisocial]] behavior and refusal to bathe being obvious signs that he should never be allowed to own [[firearms]], but no one listened. Instead they watched as he spiraled downward into [[delusions]] about being interesting. He would [https://nypost.com/2021/03/23/police-identify-ahmad-alyssa-21-as-suspect-in-boulder-shooting/ frequently claim] that people were following him, even though it was quite clear that literally no one ever gave two shits about him in his entire life, and he was simply living out a fantasy of being Jason Bourne's [[fat]], [[gay]], [[retarded]] cousin with zero life skills.


Speaking of being super fucking gay, it should be noted that Assmed was also a wrestler on his high school's wrestling team. If that's not proof that he frequently took it in the ass, we don't know what is. It is assumed that most of his <s>ex-boyfriends</s> bullies were other losers from his wrestling team that would make jokes like "Is it safe to start my car? Achmed was just in it." or "Hey Achmed, why does your cell phone keep beeping? Are you going to blow up the school, you fat, gay, sand nigger bitch?" The list goes on. I guess after hearing those jokes since the day he arrived in the US he finally snapped and decided to get revenge... on his local supermarket. Must have been too stupid to figure out how to get a gun into his school.
Speaking of being super fucking gay, it should be noted that Assmed was also a wrestler on his [[high school]] [[wrestling]] team. If that's not proof that he frequently [[buttsex|took it in the ass]], we don't know what is. It is assumed that most of his <s>ex-boyfriends</s> bullies were other [[losers]] from his wrestling team that would make jokes like "Is it safe to start my car? Achmed was just in it." or "Hey Achmed, why does your cell phone keep beeping? Are you going to blow up the school, you fat, gay, sand nigger bitch?" The list goes on. I guess after hearing those jokes since the day he arrived in the U.S. he finally snapped and decided to get revenge... on his local supermarket. Must have been too stupid to figure out how to get a [[gun]] into his school.


==The Shooting==
== Shooting ==


[[File:AhmadAlIssaBleedingLeg.png|right|thumb|250px|Assmed being led out by police after getting shot in the leg. He undressed himself in hopes of finding a husband in prison.]]
[[File:AhmadAlIssaBleedingLeg.png|right|thumb|250px|Assmed being led out by [[police]] after getting shot in the leg. He undressed himself in hopes of finding a husband in prison.]]
The scene was like the worst fan-made map on [[Counter-Strike]]; the grocery store. Ahmad used a Ruger SR-556 and a 9mm semi-automatic handgun as his weapons of choice. He also wore a bulletproof vest that his fat ass barely managed to squeeze into. As he waddled his way through the parking lot his blubbery body began to give out, so he decided to start shooting at random in the parking lot before he had a heart attack/heat stroke from walking in the sun for the first time in years. As people looked up from their coupon apps after hearing gunfire, they began to realize that they might want to use the 10 items or less line so they could escape in time before his lard ass finally made it into the store where the actual crowd was. Most of them simply walked out the back exits knowing that it would take too long for Captain Chubby to reach the rear of the building.


By the time he got inside most people had already moved on with their lives, but he managed to cap a few suckaz wearing headphones in the frozen food aisle who had no idea what had been going on. There were also a few more old ladies that simply couldn't move their walkers towards the exits fast enough, making them Ahmad's favorite targets (seriously, he killed 5 in total, that's half of his fucking victims).
The scene was like the worst fan-made map on [[Counter-Strike]]; the grocery store. Ahmad used a Ruger SR-556 [[Assault rifle|AR-15-style]] pistol and a 9mm semi-automatic handgun as his weapons of choice. He also wore a bulletproof vest that his fat ass barely managed to squeeze into. As he waddled his way through the parking lot his blubbery body began to give out, so he decided to start shooting at random in the parking lot before he had a heart attack from walking in the sun for the first time in years and dying of heat stroke. As people looked up from their coupon apps after hearing gunfire, they began to realize that they might want to use the 10 items or less line so they could escape in time before his lard ass finally made it into the store where the actual crowd was. Most of them simply walked out the back exits knowing that it would take too long for Captain Chubby to reach the rear of the building.


Once the police arrived he managed to kill one of them; Eric Talley, age 51... ''another'' [[old]] person (at least this time it was a man). This caused police to wuss out and risk the lives of all of the people still hiding inside instead of charging in against one fucking guy. Instead they used overkill to smash through a window with an armored vehicle before entering the building. This is where the story gets really weird...
By the time he got inside most people had already moved on with their lives, but he managed to cap a few suckaz wearing headphones in the frozen food aisle who had no idea what had been going on. There were also a few more [[old people|old ladies]] that simply couldn't move their walkers towards the exits fast enough, making them Ahmad's favorite targets (seriously, he killed 5 in total, that's half of his fucking victims).


After Ahmad shot at the police a few more times, he got shot in the leg. He then decided to finally surrender by [[Stripper|taking off his clothes]]. He said to police, and we quote, "I surrender. I'm naked." It's like he was telling his future [[Prison|inmates]] "please [[rape]] me within an inch of my life before selling me for [[cigarettes]]." I bet [[Bubba]] just can't wait to get his hands on that creamy slab of blubber! Bite the pillow, Achmed, he's going in ''very'' dry.
Once the police arrived he managed to kill one of them; Eric Talley, age 51... ''another'' [[old]] person (at least this time it was a man). This caused police to wuss out and risk the lives of all of the people still hiding inside instead of charging in against one fucking guy. Instead they used overkill to [[lolwut|smash through a window with an armored vehicle]] before entering the building. This is where the story gets really weird...


==YouTube Livestream==
After Ahmad shot at the police a few more times, he got shot in the leg. He then decided to finally surrender by [[Stripper|taking off his clothes]]. He said to police, and we quote, "[[lulz|I surrender. I'm naked.]]" It's like he was telling his future [[Prison|inmates]] "please [[rape]] me within an inch of my life before selling me for [[cigarettes]]." I bet [[Bubba]] just can't wait to get his hands on that creamy slab of blubber! Bite the pillow, Achmed, he's going in ''very'' dry.


During the shooting, a self described "[[USI|citizen journalist]]" by the name of '''Dean Schiller''' (otherwise known as {{yt|ch|UCI9GcxVdrTbDfHi405_68rQ|ZFG Videography}}) decided to livestream the immediate aftermath of the shooting on YouTube. However, unlike most other videos filmed during active shooter situations, Dean decided instead to make the entire thing about himself as opposed to making it about what was going on around him. Here's a short list of things did wrong in his livestream (pro-tip: don't be like this guy):
 
*Filmed dead bodies in the parking lot, while demanding ''other'' bystanders to call 911 (despite him having a fucking phone right there).
 
*Walked ''into'' the store as the shooting was going on and asked an obviously traumatized employee if there was a shooter in the store, to which the employee replied "yes". Gunshots can be heard towards the end of this bit.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
== Loadout ==
 
<div align="center">
{|class="wikitable" width="40%"
!colspan="2"|Class Setup
|-<!-- DONGS NIGGA-->
!Item
!Accessories/Bonus
|-
|
*'''Primary''': 9mm Ruger AR-556 semi-automatic [[assault rifle|AR-15-style]] pistol
<center>[[File:GTA4IconsM4Rifle.png|70px]]</center>
|
Same gun used by [[Devin Patrick Kelley|Devin Kelley]], [[Brenton Tarrant]] and [[Brandon Hole]], but, Assmed's one was the pistol variant.
*'''Does 21-35 Damage.'''
|-
|
*'''Secondary''': Unspecifed 9mm semi-automatic handgun
<center>[[File:GTA4IconsGlock.png|70px]]</center>
|
*'''Does 21-35 Damage.'''
|-
|
*'''Spell''': Schizo
<center>[[File:Schizophrenic.jpg|90px]]</center>
|
*Increases moving speed and increases damage to everyone around them.
|-
|
*'''Spell 2''': Qu'ran
<center>[[Image:Advice-Quran-A-Religon-OF-PEACE.jpg|70px]]</center>
|
*Increased damage against [[normal people|infidels]] who go against the almighty sword of [[Allah]].
|}
</div>
 
== [[JewTube]] livestream ==
 
During the shooting, a self-described "[[USI|citizen journalist]]" by the name of '''Dean Schiller''' (otherwise known as {{yt|ch|UCI9GcxVdrTbDfHi405_68rQ|ZFG Videography}}) decided to livestream the immediate aftermath of the shooting on YouTube. However, unlike most other videos filmed during active shooter situations, Dean decided instead to make the entire thing about himself as opposed to making it about what was going on around him. Here's a short list of things he did wrong in his livestream ([[Protip]]: don't be like this guy):
*Filmed dead bodies in the parking lot, while demanding ''other'' bystanders to call 911 (Despite him having a fucking phone right there).
*Walked ''into'' the store as the shooting was going on and asked an obviously traumatized employee [[obviously|if there was a shooter in the store]], to which the employee replied "yes". Gunshots can be heard towards the end of this bit.
*Attempted to fight with the [[cops]] who were attempting to secure the scene (Dean is actually a [https://gazette.com/news/boulder-shooting-shooting-scene-live-streamer-well-known-to-cops/article_b9c664b6-8b69-11eb-83ed-bb9296b050de.html known cop watcher] in the Boulder area, so this was expected of him, still a dick move though).
*Attempted to fight with the [[cops]] who were attempting to secure the scene (Dean is actually a [https://gazette.com/news/boulder-shooting-shooting-scene-live-streamer-well-known-to-cops/article_b9c664b6-8b69-11eb-83ed-bb9296b050de.html known cop watcher] in the Boulder area, so this was expected of him, still a dick move though).
*Ignored a call from his friend Denny who was in the store, because livestreaming and chasing clout is obviously more important than making sure your friend is okay. And yes, [https://www.findagrave.com/memorial/224796214/denny-vaugn-stong Denny was one of the people killed in the shooting].
*Ignored a call from his friend Denny who was in the store, because livestreaming and chasing clout is obviously more important than making sure your friend is okay, and yes, [https://www.findagrave.com/memorial/224796214/denny-vaugn-stong Denny was one of the people killed in the shooting].
Dean would later unlist the VOD of the livestream. Whether this was because Dean suffered a bout of [[Troll's Remorse]] or if he just didn't like all the negative attention it got has yet to be seen, and [[YouTube]] [https://finance.yahoo.com/news/youtube-boulder-shooting-video-180740696.html said that they won't remove the livestream either].
Dean would later unlist the VOD of the livestream. Whether this was because Dean suffered a bout of [[Troll's Remorse]] or if he just didn't like all the negative attention it got has yet to be seen, and [[YouTube]] [https://finance.yahoo.com/news/youtube-boulder-shooting-video-180740696.html said that they won't remove the livestream either].


<center><youtube>ikujTMetrUk</youtube></center>
<center><youtube>ikujTMetrUk</youtube></center>
<center>'''The livestream'''</center>
<center>'''The livestream'''</center>


==[[AIDS Skrillex and Carl the Cuck|He's a Fucking White Male]]==
== [[AIDS Skrillex and Carl the Cuck|He's a Fucking White Male]] ==


After Ahmad's arrest, a bunch of [[Twitter|blue checks]] collectively REEEEEE'd all over social media over the fact that he was "[[white]]" and was arrested. It doesn't matter that he was in fact an [[Arab]], he [[George Zimmerman|''looks'' white]] so that means he ''must'' be white. Him being arrested also proves that he's white, because [[black]] people get [[Police brutality|killed by cops]] all the time (even though there are [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2017_Mississippi_shootings several] [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2017_Fresno_shootings cases] [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hastings_Arthur_Wise that] [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/D.C._sniper_attacks prove] [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cleophus_Cooksey_Jr. otherwise]). After it came out that Ahmad was in fact not white, blue checks scrambled to either [[DELETE FUCKING EVERYTHING|nuke the offending tweets]], or give a half-assed apology saying how they aren't actually anti-white [[racist]]s, they just ''assumed'' he was white. Take a look at some of the greatest hits below.
After Ahmad's arrest, a bunch of [[Twitter|blue checks]] collectively REEEEEE'd all over social media over the fact that he was "[[white]]" and was arrested. It doesn't matter that he was in fact an [[Arab]], he [[George Zimmerman|''looks'' white]] so that means he ''must'' be white. Him being arrested also proves that he's white, because [[black]] people get [[Police brutality|killed by cops]] all the time (even though there are [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2017_Mississippi_shootings several] [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2017_Fresno_shootings cases] [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hastings_Arthur_Wise that] [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/D.C._sniper_attacks prove] [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cleophus_Cooksey_Jr. otherwise]). After it came out that Ahmad was in fact not white, blue checks scrambled to either [[DELETE FUCKING EVERYTHING|nuke the offending tweets]], or give a half-assed apology saying how they aren't actually anti-white [[racist]]s, they just ''assumed'' he was white. Take a look at some of the greatest hits below.
Line 61: Line 111:
}}
}}


==Fun Ways to Troll Ahmad==
== Fun Ways to Troll Ahmad ==


Since Osama bin Undressin' is still alive in prison, we can only hope that he gets access to the internet so he can read the many insults about him online. Here are some tips to make prison life more fun for him. Hopefully it'll drive him to break out of prison and kill more elderly women.
Since Osama bin Undressin' is still alive in prison, we can only hope that he gets access to the internet so he can read the many insults about him online. Here are some tips to make prison life more fun for him. Hopefully it'll drive him to break out of prison and kill more elderly women.
Line 67: Line 117:
*Make fun of him for being gay, and he's ''not'' a top. He's what's known as a "cry bottom" which is just a sad little boy getting rammed by a long line of inmates (formerly wrestlers) running a train on his pathetic fat ass.
*Make fun of him for being gay, and he's ''not'' a top. He's what's known as a "cry bottom" which is just a sad little boy getting rammed by a long line of inmates (formerly wrestlers) running a train on his pathetic fat ass.


==Graded Score==
== Graded Score ==


{{GradedScore|10|10 killed, 0 injured|20|All shots hit on target|5|Yet another unoriginal grocery store shooting|20|Renewed butthurt over "muh [[Assault Rifle|assault weapons]]", which were [[Win|unbanned]] in Boulder days before the shooting|20|Cop killer bonus|75|C|2021 High Score Champion}}
{{GradedScore|10|1 injured (indirectly)|20|All shots hit on target.|5|Yet another unoriginal grocery store shooting.|20|Renewed butthurt over "muh [[Assault Rifle|assault weapons]]", despite the fact he used two pistols.|10|Cop killer bonus.|65|D|2021 High Score Champion}}


{{WantedLevel|2}}
{{WantedLevel|2}}


==Gallery==
== Gallery ==


<center><gallery>
{{cg|'''Gallery'''|fcgallery|center|<gallery perrow="5">
File:AhmadAlIssaNeedGirlfriend.jpg|Went from [[Incel|needing a girlfriend]] to [[Bubba|being someone's girlfriend]].
File:AhmadAlIssaNeedGirlfriend.jpg|Went from [[Incel|needing a girlfriend]] to [[Bubba|being someone's girlfriend]].
File:AhmadAlIssaTrump.jpg|Well there goes that narrative too.
File:AhmadAlIssaTrump.jpg|Well there goes that narrative too.
File:AhmadAlIssaIslamophobia.jpg
File:AhmadAlIssaIslamophobia.jpg
File:AhmadAlIssaHacked.jpg
File:AhmadAlIssaHacked.jpg
</gallery>|<gallery perrow="5">
File:DennyStong2A.jpg|Oh the [[Irony|iron knee]].
File:DennyStong2A.jpg|Oh the [[Irony|iron knee]].
</gallery></center>
</gallery>|}}


==See Also==
== See also ==


*[[Brandon Scott Hole]]
*[[2021]]
*[[Samuel Cassidy]]
*[[Anderson Lee Aldrich]] - Fellow [[fat]] and [[retarded]] [[mass shooter]], both shootings were in [[Colorado]].
*[[Randy Robert Stair]]
*[[Aurora Theatre Shooting]] - Another shooting that happened in Colorado.
*[[Payton Gendron]]
*[[Brandon Scott Hole|Brandon Hole]] - Fellow 2021 mass shooter. Even worse, also a [[brony]].
*[[Crime]]
*[[Colorado]]
*[[Columbine]] - Worst mass shooting in Colorado history. Happened 3 days after Assmed was born.
*[[Crimes]]
*[[Fat]]
*[[High Score]]
*[[Islam]]
*[[Jared Lee Loughner]] - Fellow supermarket shooter and [[schizo]].
*[[Jihad]]
*[[Jewnited States of Americunts]]
*[[Mass Murder]]
*[[Mass Murder]]
*[[Mass Shooting]]
*[[Mass Shooting]]
*[[Murder]]
*[[Murder]]
*[[Nghtmrchld26]] - Fellow Colorado mass shooter.
*[[Noah Jacob Harpham]] - Fellow Colorado mass shooter.
*[[Patrick Crusius]] - Fellow supermarket shooter.
*[[Payton Gendron]] - Fellow supermarket shooter and unshaved mutt. Got the same amount of kills too.
*[[Randy Stair]] - Fellow supermarket shooter. Even worse, also a [[tranny]].
*[[Robert Aaron Long|Robert Long]] - Former 2021 high score champion, was [[BTFO]] by Assmed.
*[[Samuel Cassidy]] - Fellow 2021 mass shooter.
*[[Sand niggers]]


== External links ==
*{{Wikilink|2021_Boulder_shooting|TOW coverage}}
{{Aspies}}
{{Dying Alone}}
{{Gun control}}
{{High Scores}}
{{High Scores}}
{{dyingalone}}
{{Islam}}
{{islam}}
{{Psychopaths}}
[[Category:People]]
 
{{timeline|Article of the Now February 1 and 2, [[2024]]|[[Kelvin Hayes Robins Jr]]|{{PAGENAME}}|[[Attention Whore]]}}
 
[[Category:2021]]
[[Category:2021]]
[[Category:America]]
[[Category:Aspies]]
[[Category:Crime]]
[[Category:Dying Alone]]
[[Category:Fat]]
[[Category:Gun control]]
[[Category:High Scores]]
[[Category:IRL Shit]]
[[Category:Islam]]
[[Category:Murder]]
[[Category:People|al-Issa, Ahmad]]
[[Category:Psychopaths]]

Revision as of 19:31, 25 September 2024

The subject of this article is a virgin with rage.

This person has Assburgers Syndrome,
so you can't say anything bad! :-(


Be aware of that, you insensitive fuck.
Ahmed al-Issa
Born April 17, 1999 (25 years old)
Nationality Sandnigger Amerimutt    
Highscore Killed 10
Top 50? No
Style FPS, Single Player
An Hero? No, v& for 1,334 years
Motive Idklol

Ahmad Al Aliwi al-Issa (a.k.a. Assmed, Achmed, and Osama bin Bullied) is a prime example of a rare breed of neckbeard; the rag-headed neckbeard (sometimes referred to as the brown-crested cell phone bomber). He decided to prove how cool he was to all of his bullies by shooting up a fucking King Soopers grocery store in Boulder, Colorado, as if murdering bored strangers at random while they wonder which flavor of Hot Pockets they want to take home will somehow ease your crybaby hurty feels. Why he didn't simply become a serial killer and slowly murder his high school bullies one by one over the course of several years so as to not get caught, like a proper edgelord, we will never know. Instead we got a whiny spaz shooting a bunch of old ladies while they were buying a fresh batch of Depends and denture cream at their local supermarket. That'll show 'em, Achmed!

But wait, there's more! It gets much weirder and funnier, we promise! Read on, fellow fags!

History of Yet Another Shooter Faggot

Osama bin Bullied showing off how he got the gold medal for buttsex wrestling. Totally not gay at all. Despite having the hair, face, and body of a middle-aged man, he was actually a teenager in this picture.

We here at ED can already hear your guff. "He's not a real rag-head! I bet he's one of those suburban white gunts that just changed his name and joined a sleeper cell, right?" WRONG! While he did grow up in the U.S. (Arvada, Colorado) and live in his mom's basement like most of your run-of-the-mill fedora-wearing faggots, he was born in Syria and lived there for a few years before immigrating to the U.S. along with his smelly family; thus he barely passed the requirements needed to be considered a rag-headed neckbeard (his car-bombing name being the one he was actually born with really helps a lot). This led to him being bullied for being the bloated, body odor-reeking, carpet-bowing sand nigger that he was. Maybe if he had simply taken a shower and applied some deodorant while hitting the gym he could've at least went out not smelling like old socks and looking like a discarded, hairy beanbag chair with a severe case of premature balding that made him such a prime target for ridicule.

Even Achmed's own family knew what a fuck-up he was. His brother tried to warn people about his antisocial behavior and refusal to bathe being obvious signs that he should never be allowed to own firearms, but no one listened. Instead they watched as he spiraled downward into delusions about being interesting. He would frequently claim that people were following him, even though it was quite clear that literally no one ever gave two shits about him in his entire life, and he was simply living out a fantasy of being Jason Bourne's fat, gay, retarded cousin with zero life skills.

Speaking of being super fucking gay, it should be noted that Assmed was also a wrestler on his high school wrestling team. If that's not proof that he frequently took it in the ass, we don't know what is. It is assumed that most of his ex-boyfriends bullies were other losers from his wrestling team that would make jokes like "Is it safe to start my car? Achmed was just in it." or "Hey Achmed, why does your cell phone keep beeping? Are you going to blow up the school, you fat, gay, sand nigger bitch?" The list goes on. I guess after hearing those jokes since the day he arrived in the U.S. he finally snapped and decided to get revenge... on his local supermarket. Must have been too stupid to figure out how to get a gun into his school.

Shooting

Assmed being led out by police after getting shot in the leg. He undressed himself in hopes of finding a husband in prison.

The scene was like the worst fan-made map on Counter-Strike; the grocery store. Ahmad used a Ruger SR-556 AR-15-style pistol and a 9mm semi-automatic handgun as his weapons of choice. He also wore a bulletproof vest that his fat ass barely managed to squeeze into. As he waddled his way through the parking lot his blubbery body began to give out, so he decided to start shooting at random in the parking lot before he had a heart attack from walking in the sun for the first time in years and dying of heat stroke. As people looked up from their coupon apps after hearing gunfire, they began to realize that they might want to use the 10 items or less line so they could escape in time before his lard ass finally made it into the store where the actual crowd was. Most of them simply walked out the back exits knowing that it would take too long for Captain Chubby to reach the rear of the building.

By the time he got inside most people had already moved on with their lives, but he managed to cap a few suckaz wearing headphones in the frozen food aisle who had no idea what had been going on. There were also a few more old ladies that simply couldn't move their walkers towards the exits fast enough, making them Ahmad's favorite targets (seriously, he killed 5 in total, that's half of his fucking victims).

Once the police arrived he managed to kill one of them; Eric Talley, age 51... another old person (at least this time it was a man). This caused police to wuss out and risk the lives of all of the people still hiding inside instead of charging in against one fucking guy. Instead they used overkill to smash through a window with an armored vehicle before entering the building. This is where the story gets really weird...

After Ahmad shot at the police a few more times, he got shot in the leg. He then decided to finally surrender by taking off his clothes. He said to police, and we quote, "I surrender. I'm naked." It's like he was telling his future inmates "please rape me within an inch of my life before selling me for cigarettes." I bet Bubba just can't wait to get his hands on that creamy slab of blubber! Bite the pillow, Achmed, he's going in very dry.







Loadout

Class Setup
Item Accessories/Bonus
  • Primary: 9mm Ruger AR-556 semi-automatic AR-15-style pistol

Same gun used by Devin Kelley, Brenton Tarrant and Brandon Hole, but, Assmed's one was the pistol variant.

  • Does 21-35 Damage.
  • Secondary: Unspecifed 9mm semi-automatic handgun
  • Does 21-35 Damage.
  • Spell: Schizo
  • Increases moving speed and increases damage to everyone around them.
  • Spell 2: Qu'ran
  • Increased damage against infidels who go against the almighty sword of Allah.

JewTube livestream

During the shooting, a self-described "citizen journalist" by the name of Dean Schiller (otherwise known as ZFG Videography) decided to livestream the immediate aftermath of the shooting on YouTube. However, unlike most other videos filmed during active shooter situations, Dean decided instead to make the entire thing about himself as opposed to making it about what was going on around him. Here's a short list of things he did wrong in his livestream (Protip: don't be like this guy):

  • Filmed dead bodies in the parking lot, while demanding other bystanders to call 911 (Despite him having a fucking phone right there).
  • Walked into the store as the shooting was going on and asked an obviously traumatized employee if there was a shooter in the store, to which the employee replied "yes". Gunshots can be heard towards the end of this bit.
  • Attempted to fight with the cops who were attempting to secure the scene (Dean is actually a known cop watcher in the Boulder area, so this was expected of him, still a dick move though).
  • Ignored a call from his friend Denny who was in the store, because livestreaming and chasing clout is obviously more important than making sure your friend is okay, and yes, Denny was one of the people killed in the shooting.

Dean would later unlist the VOD of the livestream. Whether this was because Dean suffered a bout of Troll's Remorse or if he just didn't like all the negative attention it got has yet to be seen, and YouTube said that they won't remove the livestream either.

The livestream

He's a Fucking White Male

After Ahmad's arrest, a bunch of blue checks collectively REEEEEE'd all over social media over the fact that he was "white" and was arrested. It doesn't matter that he was in fact an Arab, he looks white so that means he must be white. Him being arrested also proves that he's white, because black people get killed by cops all the time (even though there are several cases that prove otherwise). After it came out that Ahmad was in fact not white, blue checks scrambled to either nuke the offending tweets, or give a half-assed apology saying how they aren't actually anti-white racists, they just assumed he was white. Take a look at some of the greatest hits below.

   
 
The shooter is was taken into custody.

In other words it was almost certainly a white man (again). If he were Black or Brown he would be dead.
 


 
 

Amy Siskind on Twitter

   
 
The suspected gunman in the Boulder, Colorado mass shooting is a white guy. Seven reported dead!

Cue “mental issues,” “bad day,” “parking dispute,” or anything else other than what he most likely is - a white domestic terrorist.
 


 
 

CJ Werleman on Twitter

   
 
it's always an angry white man. always.
 

 
 

—Hemal Jhaveri on Twitter (she nuked the offending tweet)

   
 
Extremely tired of people's lives depending on whether a white man with an AR-15 is having a good day or not.
 

 
 

Julie DiCaro on Twitter

   
 
My in-box and DMs are full of extremely upset white men who don't give a damn about mass shootings but are demanding I issue a blanket apology to white men. To which I say . . . NO.
 

 
 

—Julie DiCaro, doubling down on her shitty take

Fun Ways to Troll Ahmad

Since Osama bin Undressin' is still alive in prison, we can only hope that he gets access to the internet so he can read the many insults about him online. Here are some tips to make prison life more fun for him. Hopefully it'll drive him to break out of prison and kill more elderly women.

  • Press the racist stuff really hard, like his former bullies did before; he's a camel-fucking, TNT-wearing, flight class-taking halal muncher like the rest of his stinky kind.
  • Make fun of him for being gay, and he's not a top. He's what's known as a "cry bottom" which is just a sad little boy getting rammed by a long line of inmates (formerly wrestlers) running a train on his pathetic fat ass.

Graded Score

Graded Score
Kill count: 10/20 1 injured (indirectly)
Accuracy: 20/20 All shots hit on target.
Style: 5/20 Yet another unoriginal grocery store shooting.
Butthurt: 20/20 Renewed butthurt over "muh assault weapons", despite the fact he used two pistols.
Bonus: 10/20 Cop killer bonus.
Total Score: 65/100 (D)
2021 High Score Champion
See full ranking


Wanted Level:

Police Force


Gallery

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[Stop shooting!Pull the trigger]
Ahmad Al Aliwi Al-Issa is part of a series on Gun Control
Locus in quo:

Abilene Alleyway Shooting 🔫 Capital Gazette Shooting 🔫 Chris Dorner 🔫 Christchurch mosque attacks 🔫 Colorado Theatre Shooting 🔫 David Long 🔫 Dayton shooting 🔫 El Paso Walmart Shooting 🔫 Elliot Rodger 🔫 Gilroy Garlic Festival Shooting 🔫 Jacksonville Shooting 🔫 Kyle Rittenhouse 🔫 Marjory Stoneman Douglas School Shooting 🔫 Pulse Nightclub Massacre 🔫 Randy Stair 🔫 San Bernardino shooting 🔫 Sandniggers in Paris 🔫 Sandy Hook Elementary Massacre 🔫 Santa Fe High School Shooting 🔫 Shoahdown at the Synagogue of Doom 🔫 Las Vegas shooting 🔫 Texas church shooting 🔫 Umpqua Community College Shooting 🔫 Virginia Beach Shooting 🔫 Washington Navy Yard shooting 🔫 Youtube shooting 🔫

Supporters

Barack Obama 🔫 Christians 🔫 Concerned Mothers 🔫 Democrats 🔫 Dianne Feinstein 🔫 Government 🔫 The Kennedys 🔫 Kurt Eichenwald 🔫 Faggots 🔫 Liberals 🔫 Michael Bloomberg 🔫 Jews 🔫 SJWs 🔫 Sensitive people 🔫 Tara Strong 🔫 Trayvon Martin 🔫 Quinton Reviews

Main ideas:

Assault Rifle 🔫 Gun 🔫 Gun Control 🔫 Murder 🔫 Arson 🔫 Bombs 🔫 Mass Shooting 🔫 School Shooting 🔫

Haters gonna hate:

Daisy Hogg 🔫 Killers 🔫 Republicans

Acts of revenge:

Boston Marathon Bombing 🔫 Sandniggers in Paris 🔫 Ariana Grande Massacre 🔫 London Bridge Attack 2017 🔫 Capital Gazette Shooting

Objectors:

Charlton Heston 🔫 James Holmes 🔫 NRA 🔫 Osama Bin Laden 🔫 Republicans 🔫 People planning a massacre 🔫

Pre-2012 Gun Massacres

Columbine 🔫 École Polytechnique 🔫 Dawson College 🔫 Virginia Tech Massacre 🔫 Austin, Texas 🔫 NIU Valentine's Day Massacre 🔫 Hungerford Massacre 🔫 Anders Breivik


Ahmad Al Aliwi Al-Issa is part of a series on Are You Ready? [GAME OVERInsert Coin] Go!
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Ahmad Al Aliwi Al-Issa
is part of a series on
Islam
Tro0 Muslims [-+]
Countries & Peoples [-+]
Beliefs, Events, Traditions & Other Drama [-+]
Infidels & Islamic No-Nos [-+]
Ahmad Al Aliwi Al-Issa is part of a series on Psychopaths
[It rubs the lotion on the skin or else it gets the hose againOpen the box]
Spree/One-time Killers:

Aaron AlexisAdam LanzaAlex HribalAlyssa BustamanteAnthony WarnerAudrey HaleBruce Jeffrey PardoCasey AnthonyCho Seung-HuiDevin Patrick KelleyDylan KleboldDylann Storm RoofEric HarrisGerry McCannJames HolmesJared Lee LoughnerJason RodriguezJeff WeiseJiverly Voong Joe StackJosef FritzlLaaiti EkenstéenMark EssexMartin BryantMatthew de GroodMatthew MurrayMatti SaariMaurice ClemmonsPekka-Eric AuvinenRaoul MoatRichard SpeckRobert HawkinsStephen PaddockTim KretschmerTimothy HendronTJ LaneTyler PetersonWade Michael PageWoo Bum-kon

Career/Serial Killers:

Academy ManiacsAdolf HitlerCharles MansonChris BenoitDnepropetrovsk ManiacsDubyaJack the RipperJeffrey DahmerMao ZedongRichard "The Iceman" KuklinskiTed Bundy

Terrorists:

Al QaedaAnders Behring BreivikAnderson Lee AldrichAnton Lundin PetterssonDzhokhar TsarnaevElliot RodgerGeorge SodiniManiacs Murder CultMark EssexNidal Malik HasanOsama bin LadenTamerlan TsarnaevTed Kaczynski

See also:

Antisocial personality disorderJewsMurderParanoid personality disorderPittsburgh Paint JobPolice BrutalitySick fuck

Article of the Now February 1 and 2, 2024
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Kelvin Hayes Robins Jr
Ahmad Al Aliwi Al-Issa Succeeded by
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