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Ahmad Al Aliwi Al-Issa
| |
|---|---|
| Ahmad Al Aliwi Al-Issa | |
| Nationality: | Syrian 
|
| High Score | 10 killed, 1 injured (from a back fracture while fleeing) |
| Top 50? | No |
| Style | FPS, Single player |
| An Hero? | No |
Ahmad Al Aliwi Al-Issa☪ (a.k.a. Assmed, Achmed, and Osama bin Bullied) is a prime example of a rare breed of neckbeard; the rag-headed neckbeard (sometimes referred to as the brown-crested cell phone bomber). He decided to prove how cool he was to all of his bullies by shooting up a fucking King Soopers grocery store in Boulder, Colorado, as if murdering bored strangers at random while they wonder which flavor of Hot Pockets they want to take home will somehow ease your crybaby hurty feels. Why he didn't simply become a serial killer and slowly murder his high school bullies one by one over the course of several years so as to not get caught, like a proper edgelord, we will never know. Instead we got a whiny spaz shooting a bunch of old ladies while they were buying a fresh batch of Depends and denture cream at their local supermarket. That'll show 'em, Achmed!
But wait, there's more! It gets much weirder and funnier, we promise! Read on, fellow fags!
History of Yet Another Shooter Faggot
We here at ED can already hear your guff. "He's not a real rag-head! I bet he's one of those suburban white gunts that just changed his name and joined a sleeper cell, right?" WRONG! While he did grow up in the US (Arvada, Colorado) and live in his mom's basement like most of your run-of-the-mill fedora-wearing faggots, he was born in Syria and lived there for a few years before immigrating to the US along with his smelly family; thus he barely passed the requirements needed to be considered a rag-headed neckbeard (his car-bombing name being the one he was actually born with really helps a lot). This led to him being bullied for being the bloated, body odor-reeking, carpet-bowing sand nigger that he was. Maybe if he had simply taken a shower and applied some deodorant while hitting the gym he could've at least went out not smelling like old socks and looking like a discarded, hairy beanbag chair with a severe case of premature balding that made him such a prime target for ridicule.
Even Achmed's own family knew what a fuck-up he was. His brother tried to warn people about his antisocial behavior and refusal to bathe being obvious signs that he should never be allowed to own firearms, but no one listened. Instead they watched as he spiraled downward into delusions about being interesting. He would frequently claim that people were following him, even though it was quite clear that literally no one ever gave two shits about him in his entire life, and he was simply living out a fantasy of being Jason Bourne's fat, gay, retarded cousin with zero life skills.
Speaking of being super fucking gay, it should be noted that Assmed was also a wrestler on his high school's wrestling team. If that's not proof that he frequently took it in the ass, we don't know what is. It is assumed that most of his ex-boyfriends bullies were other losers from his wrestling team that would make jokes like "Is it safe to start my car? Achmed was just in it." or "Hey Achmed, why does your cell phone keep beeping? Are you going to blow up the school, you fat, gay, sand nigger bitch?" The list goes on. I guess after hearing those jokes since the day he arrived in the US he finally snapped and decided to get revenge... on his local supermarket. Must have been too stupid to figure out how to get a gun into his school.
The Shooting
The scene was like the worst fan-made map on Counter-Strike; the grocery store. Ahmad used a Ruger SR-556 and a 9mm semi-automatic handgun as his weapons of choice. He also wore a bulletproof vest that his fat ass barely managed to squeeze into. As he waddled his way through the parking lot his blubbery body began to give out, so he decided to start shooting at random in the parking lot before he had a heart attack/heat stroke from walking in the sun for the first time in years. As people looked up from their coupon apps after hearing gunfire, they began to realize that they might want to use the 10 items or less line so they could escape in time before his lard ass finally made it into the store where the actual crowd was. Most of them simply walked out the back exits knowing that it would take too long for Captain Chubby to reach the rear of the building.
By the time he got inside most people had already moved on with their lives, but he managed to cap a few suckaz wearing headphones in the frozen food aisle who had no idea what had been going on. There were also a few more old ladies that simply couldn't move their walkers towards the exits fast enough, making them Ahmad's favorite targets (seriously, he killed 5 in total, that's half of his fucking victims).
Once the police arrived he managed to kill one of them; Eric Talley, age 51... another old person (at least this time it was a man). This caused police to wuss out and risk the lives of all of the people still hiding inside instead of charging in against one fucking guy. Instead they used overkill to smash through a window with an armored vehicle before entering the building. This is where the story gets really weird...
After Ahmad shot at the police a few more times, he got shot in the leg. He then decided to finally surrender by taking off his clothes. He said to police, and we quote, "I surrender. I'm naked." It's like he was telling his future inmates "please rape me within an inch of my life before selling me for cigarettes." I bet Bubba just can't wait to get his hands on that creamy slab of blubber! Bite the pillow, Achmed, he's going in very dry.
YouTube Livestream
During the shooting, a self-described "citizen journalist" by the name of Dean Schiller (otherwise known as 
ZFG Videography) decided to livestream the immediate aftermath of the shooting on YouTube. However, unlike most other videos filmed during active shooter situations, Dean decided instead to make the entire thing about himself as opposed to making it about what was going on around him. Here's a short list of things did wrong in his livestream (pro-tip: don't be like this guy):
- Filmed dead bodies in the parking lot, while demanding other bystanders to call 911 (despite him having a fucking phone right there).
- Walked into the store as the shooting was going on and asked an obviously traumatized employee if there was a shooter in the store, to which the employee replied "yes". Gunshots can be heard towards the end of this bit.
- Attempted to fight with the cops who were attempting to secure the scene (Dean is actually a known cop watcher in the Boulder area, so this was expected of him, still a dick move though).
- Ignored a call from his friend Denny who was in the store, because livestreaming and chasing clout is obviously more important than making sure your friend is okay. And yes, Denny was one of the people killed in the shooting.
Dean would later unlist the VOD of the livestream. Whether this was because Dean suffered a bout of Troll's Remorse or if he just didn't like all the negative attention it got has yet to be seen, and YouTube said that they won't remove the livestream either.
He's a Fucking White Male
After Ahmad's arrest, a bunch of blue checks collectively REEEEEE'd all over social media over the fact that he was "white" and was arrested. It doesn't matter that he was in fact an Arab, he looks white so that means he must be white. Him being arrested also proves that he's white, because black people get killed by cops all the time (even though there are several cases that prove otherwise). After it came out that Ahmad was in fact not white, blue checks scrambled to either nuke the offending tweets, or give a half-assed apology saying how they aren't actually anti-white racists, they just assumed he was white. Take a look at some of the greatest hits below.
Previous Quote | Next Quote
Fun Ways to Troll Ahmad
Since Osama bin Undressin' is still alive in prison, we can only hope that he gets access to the internet so he can read the many insults about him online. Here are some tips to make prison life more fun for him. Hopefully it'll drive him to break out of prison and kill more elderly women.
- Press the racist stuff really hard, like his former bullies did before; he's a camel-fucking, TNT-wearing, flight class-taking halal muncher like the rest of his stinky kind.
- Make fun of him for being gay, and he's not a top. He's what's known as a "cry bottom" which is just a sad little boy getting rammed by a long line of inmates (formerly wrestlers) running a train on his pathetic fat ass.
Graded Score
| Kill count: | 10/20 10 killed, 1 injured (indirectly) |
|---|---|
| Accuracy: | 20/20 All shots hit on target |
| Style: | 5/20 Yet another unoriginal grocery store shooting |
| Butthurt: | 20/20 Renewed butthurt over "muh assault weapons", which were unbanned in Boulder days before the shooting |
| Bonus: | 20/20 Cop killer bonus |
Wanted Level:
Police Force
Gallery
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Went from needing a girlfriend to being someone's girlfriend. -
Well there goes that narrative too. -
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Oh the iron knee.
See Also
- Brandon Scott Hole
- Samuel Cassidy
- Randy Robert Stair
- Payton Gendron
- Crime
- Mass Murder
- Mass Shooting
- Murder
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| Article of the Now February 1 and 2, 2024 | ||
| Preceded by Kelvin Hayes Robins Jr |
Ahmad Al Aliwi Al-Issa | Succeeded by Attention Whore |
