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DarksydePhil
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DarksydePhil is an Epic Lolcow One page alone is not enough... ...his autistic peons and his ex-girlfriend now have their own pages |
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Every time Phil says something stupid, this timer will reset. |
Remember kiddies, it's okay for Phil to totally disregard copyright law by making a living from Let's Plays, But dare you to make a video parodying him using "Fair Use" laws legitimately, then FUCK YOU! Fat boy don't roll dat way!
— DarksydePhil, sharing his endless wisdom on games. | ||
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BREAKING NEWS!! HOLY SHIT MACHINIMA FINALLY FIRED HIS ASS! |
DarksydePhil 
dspgaming, (Phillip "Dave" Burnell), AKA the self-proclaimed "King of Hate" is the living embodiment of everything wrong with todays' gaming in video format and the arch-enemy of /v/ as well as a professional David Brent look-a-like. He also looks like a shaved bear with downs syndrome, but we can't decide which he resembles more.
He's known for being a hypocritical, money-whoring, borderline-retarded, obese, disgusting, misanthropic man-child with a fake crippled back who can't play games without being an insufferable cunt, even if his life depended on it. Oh wait, it actually does! But he's not just bad at gaming, he generally fails at everything he does. If Phil tried to do an unboxing video he would probably spend 15 minutes whining about his personal problems while a fire alarm was going off in the background. Oh wait, he did that too! And he even forgot to do any actual unboxing.
If Tom Preston is the king of delusional washout hacks and Chris-Chan is the king of basement-dwelling retards, DSP has to be the king of untalented, pathological liar scrubs with USI. Think ZackScott with greater Tourettes, poorer than you, double-standards copyright law interpretation, and using the same inspiring gameplay strategies that your local virgin Youtube teenagers use with their webcams.
No matter how much you think you suck at video games, you will never be as big a scrub as DSP.
Click here to see how he mangles every single videogame - 'This Is How You Don't Play'
Rise to "fame"
At the end of 2008, with the advent of YouTube, Mr.Phil started recording videos of him playing Street Fighter 4 Online with a view on his TV, using a shitty camera. It didn't take long him to try to take on let's plays of other video games. And true to this very day, Phil ragequits.
—Phil ragequitting | ||
Phil then tried his fat hands at Mercenaries 2 and Saint's Row 2 and uploaded it into 70 videos of 5-10 minutes each, just to get that sweet ad revenue. Around this time he almost managed to get his camera centered on the screen. After splitting Dead Space into a whopping 47 fucking videos, Far Cry 2 into 74 videos, and Fallout 3 into a staggering 143 videos (excluding DLC).
The Professional Fighting Game Player Story
Once upon a time, he won 4th place in a Street Fighter tournament that was using a broken PS1 port, placing underneath a threesome of Japanese otaku. Afterward, he declared himself the "Top US Super Turbo player" (despite the absence of several big-name players protesting the platform change) and the "King of Hate". 
The actual truth behind this name is, that the hosts of the tournament called Phil that way because he was one of those players that would smash his controller in anger, run out of the game booth screaming, with the controller cable sliding behind him on the floor. Or just plainly get annoying to a point where he is almost disqualified from playing. That one placing he won supposedly was his "lifetime achievement". Full story here 
(archive)
Ever since he started making videos, he uploaded about more than 53,000(!!!) videos on his channel dspgaming and created countless other channels with thousands of videos to whore out as much money as possible from YouTube. If you ever searched for a Street Fighter gameplay video, chances are you came across this "King of Scrubs".
DSP is a Scrub
If somebody else wins, it's cheating. If he wins, his opponent is not worthy for his fighting game expertise and they suck.
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Traits & Abilities
- Incredibly obnoxious voice.
- Has a very grating and squeaky singing voice that'll make you beg for a chalkboard nail-filer or a noose.
- Constantly burps, snorts & farts while recording gameplay.
- Downright retarded.
- Constantly makes a PFFFFFFFTFTFTTF noise that makes you want to perforate your eardrums.
- Every time a woman shows up, be it a half-naked hooker or a well-dressed female scientist, he will ALWAYS start doing embarrassing sex jokes.
- Filmed both his television and his computer screen for 4 years, because he is the laziest piece of shit known to man. He couldn't figure out how to use FRAPS and a microphone simultaneously. The viewer, therefore, has to deal with all the annoying room/controller/keyboard noises.
- No editing what so fucking ever.
- Wasting everyone's time and padding out his pre-streams with narcissistic bullshit stories about his boring ass life no one wants to sit through.
- Being a drama queen the size of Mount Rushmore.
- A first glance at his face will give you AIDS.
- Either grinds for pointless achievements, abuses known game bugs to make the game easier for him, or gets stuck at specific parts for hours that even the dumbest casual gamer could solve faster.
- Hates cut-scenes, always talks into or skips them.
- Ignores all hints and obvious signs.
- Doesn't give a shit about the story or world of a game.
- Has never said anything funny or interesting, EVER.
- Nothing is ever his fault.
- Pissing off the entire internet.
Things he repeatedly spews out
- I'M PRESSING BUTTONS! - Him trying to do a combo or just basic moves in a game.
- I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING! - Usually blames the game while randomly pressing buttons.
- I'M BLOCKING! - Wishful thinking.
- I DIDN'T DO THAT - Blatant lying
- CAN'T DO THAT! - Him, being too stupid to figure out a button combination.
- CAN'T DO ANYTHING (ABOUT THAT)! and NOTHING I COULD DO! - Him giving up.
- OH MY GOD! - You'll hear him say this line more often than in all porn of the world combined.
- FUCKING ONLINE GAMING! - Him blaming lag for being total shit at a game.
- HE'S AWFUL! - Almost every time he says this line, combined with 'SCRUB', he gets his ass kicked.
- ONLINE PLAY ONLY THE SHITTY MAY APPLY! - Moments before getting pwned.
- FUCKING SCRUB! - He shouts this one as if he has Tourettes.
- INSTANT DEATH! and I DIED INSTANTLY! - Usually, he's too retarded to understand the concept of how health bars work in video games.
- HAHAHA/AH-AH-AH! - Either laughing about his own terrible jokes (Note: He's always alone) or for no reason at all.
- OKAY - Words cannot describe how much this scrotum-faced retard uses this word. You will hear it in every second sentence when he tells every little detail about his life. OKAY!
- LITERALLY - He overuses this word when he tries to point out some "game bug" or something "unfair" that happened to him in game and he can't find other words to explain it.
- DEFINITIVE - How the fuck can a person overuse such a specialized word. There's a possibility that Dumbfuck-Phil has absolutely no idea what he's trying to say with this word, at all.
- THE BOTTOM LINE - Every time he tries to conclude his idiotic statements, you will hear this.
- WHAAAAAAT? - ...
- I'VE GOT AN IDEA - When he uses the stream chat to bail him out of a video game puzzle.
DSP's brand of "humor"
DSP learned early on about "humor at the expense of others", but like with gaming, chose to skip the subtle nuances and basic guidelines and instead use whatever he thought was funny. Unfortunately for the world, what Phil thinks is funny is stupid beyond reason. Here's a list of it:
- Insult everyone unironically and claim it was just a joke. When comedians use humor at the expense of someone, they usually stick to political or celebrity satire, because the persons involved rarely find the need to rebut jokes, and even then, any genuine insult is minimal. If they're bold, they may poke fun at people they know in their personal lives, or otherwise simply describe an undesirable type of person ambiguously enough that people that could be associated with the joke would be able to detach enough to be unoffended. Phil instead decides to openly troll entire races, cultures, countries, homosexuals, the opposite sex, and fanbases (including his own). If anyone takes offense to his humor, he actively mocks them for being butthurt. He has no remorse for what he says, no matter how many people it offends, and will defend himself to the literal death.
- Obscenity and profanity without tact. Not much to say about this. If Phil can compare anything with the slightest chance of innuendo, he will make jokes about penises, boobs, sex, and the like. The chance of it actually being witty is nonexistent. He also believes if he says "fuck you" to something enough, that makes it funnier.
- Retard comparisons. If Phil can find a "joke" in saying something serious looks vaguely like something silly, often to the point of obscenity mentioned above, he will repeat it endlessly when possible.
- Singing like a dumbass. BA-NAH-NAH NYEOW-NYEOW, BA-NAH-NAH NYEOW-NYEOW. NAH-NAH NYAH-NYAH A-NAH-NAH NYAH-HYAH. It gets worse during his Kingdom Hearts playthrough. Brace your childhoods.
- Gratuitous game violence. DSP thinks being an asshole is funny, far past the point where the novelty would have worn off. In open-world games like GTA, he takes a sick pleasure in being an absolute prick, no matter what the end result.
- Jokes about suicide and rape. There are no words. Except to say that none of them were funny.
- Laughing at his own jokes. Any person who enjoys a decent amount of comedy will tell you that laughing at your own jokes is a terrible habit that will end up ruining the impact of the joke itself. Phil has laughed at every form of his so-called "humor" listed above, including the offensive ones.
- Laughing at things that have no humor value, to begin with. It's unclear if these moments are Phil laughing his retard hyena laugh for the events on screen, or if that's the sound of him literally dying inside.
DSP's audience is mostly comprised of tweens who haven't developed a proper sense of humor to move onto better channels with better wit. If children are our future, DSP is the Terminator of wiping out human decency. If you meet a fan who thinks DSP is entertaining but hasn't been tainted by his terrible taste, show them some real comedy.
Similarities Between DSP And Chris-Chan
Seeing as how DSP has been described as the Chris-Chan of Let's Players, it's little wonder the guy shares so many similarities with Chris.
Here's a compiled list, for score-keeping's sake:
- Both are fat to the point of being morbidly obese (although it's generally accepted that DSP is actually fatter than Chris-Chan).
- Both were noticeably slimmer in their earlier years, but porked up over the years due to their diets consisting of nothing but fast food.
- Both wear glasses.
- Despite being virgins, Chris and DSP both claim to be experts when it comes to sex.
- Both Chris and DSP consider pornography to be educational.
- Both are in possession of an impressive set of manboobs.
- Both make retarded YouTube videos - Chris' videos are funny for all the wrong reasons, whereas DSP's are just boring and irritating.
- Both are ronery and friendless due to them having burned up all their bridges 'cause of their numerous screwups.
- Both are spoiled and coddled.
- Both were employed once before being fired.
- Despite having lofty ideas about their ideal occupations (comic books in Chris' case, pro gaming in DSP's), both have demonstrated extreme reluctance to actively seek work in those fields, expecting for their dream jobs to just come to them instead.
- Both were academic failures.
- Neither of them have done anything with the academic qualifications they studied for - Chris has a CADD associate's degree and DSP has a business degree.
- Neither of them have any sense of fashion.
- Both were born in 1982.
- Both were born close to each other, one season apart – Chris was born in the winter, and DSP was born in the Spring.
- Both are Christians.
- Both are sexist, racist, and homophobic.
- Both are pedophiles.
- Both have a complete inability to spot contradictions in their actions.
- Both are lazy, slacking off on their work and demonstrating a complete inability to stick to their deadlines.
- Both bitch and whine about their trolls.
- Both bitch and whine about ED.
- Both are ridiculously paranoid about their trolls.
- Despite said paranoia, both fall for the same pranks, believing everything they read and taking everything at face value.
- Both were victims of a guido troll with an alliterative name.
- Both were victims of a troll cabal.
- Both of them, rather than accept responsibility for their own actions, instead choose to blame their predicaments on external tormentors.
- Both have had or continue to have an unkempt goatee which serves only to highlight their fat, flabby faces.
- Both are balding.
- Both are EXTREMELY socially awkward.
- Both have an inflated sense of their own cleverness, self-importance, and entitlement.
- Both believe (wrongly) that they are handsome.
- Both try to cultivate an image of being the lovable nice guy when in reality they are quite the opposite.
- Both try to downplay their negative and undesirable personality traits by claiming that at least they are "true and honest" about them.
- Both have the mentality of a stupid 10-year-old boy.
- Both consider their works to be awesome and immune to criticism.
- Both have justified their abysmal work as being more "authentic" – Chris using crayons and markers for his comics and DSP recording his gameplay by placing a camera directly in front of his TV screen and not editing any of his gameplay.
- Both have anti-conformist attitudes.
- Both claim that they cultivate the beginning of a special kind of people (High-functioning autistics for Chris and Let's Players for DSP), and are adamant about it, despite being completely wrong about it.
- Both seem to lack empathy for other people. They're both completely self-interested, believing the world revolves around them.
- Both hold ridiculous beliefs about how the world works.
- Both are horribly irresponsible with their finances, constantly buying useless crap and landing themselves in debt.
- Both have made begging videos.
- Both have a Patreon account.
- Both have multiple YouTube accounts.
- Neither of them know how to edit.
- Both fail when they intentionally try to be funny.
- Both are known to repeat their own material, seemingly in the desperate hope that it'll be funnier the next time they tell it.
- Both own a PS3.
- Both hold an irrational hatred towards a rival console manufacturer – Microsoft for Chris and Nintendo for DSP.
- Both laugh in the same, stilted, emotionless fake way. "Ha ha ha!"
- Both gesticulate in very similar ways, like Chris’s stress sigh and DSP’s snort and seal laugh.
- Both suffer from B.O. and use AXE body spray to try and mask their stench.
- Both were caught masturbating.
- Both have unwittingly posted themselves naked.
- Both cannot cook for shit.
- Both are gluttons.
- Both have willfully put other people’s lives in danger – Chris burning the house down after attempting to brew coffee and DSP deliberately ripping off the smoke detector in his old condo because he says he can detect the smoke by smelling it.
- Both turned their houses into pigsties due to their hoarding.
- Both are known to mock and ridicule those they view as inferior in order to make themselves appear better.
- Both are often the victims of prank phone calls, with DSP even getting swatted.
- Both have been cyber-attacked.
- Both have abused their cameras and equipment.
- Both are horrible with cinematography.
- Both are known to make ridiculous threats when they feel that they have been disenfranchised.
- Both are sore losers and bad sports.
- Both are cowardly.
- Both are prone to tard rage.
- Both have disrespected the memories of those who died in terrible world tragedies, such as 9/11 and the Holocaust.
- Both have started their reputations already with negativity.
- Both were rightly bullied at school.
- Both have a fixation on Sonic – Chris with his unoriginal Sonic recolors and DSP with his avatar of his shitty sonic cosplay.
- Both are obsessed with a particular moment in their life and continue talking about it to this day - Chris's high school years for Chris and DSP placing in the top 5 players for the Playstation port of Super Street Fighter II Turbo tournament at EVO 2005 for DSP.
- Both freely offer their personal information to the Internet at large with little regard to the consequences.
- Both spent their 25th birthdays at home, alone, making videos for YouTube.
- Both enjoy (and by enjoying, ruin for everybody else) typical staples of nerd humor such as Monty Python and Weird Al Yankovic.
- Both hope to become famous and/or recognized and are taking the path of least resistance in the hopes of achieving it.
- Both are unashamed gag thieves, stealing jokes from other media that they enjoy and trying to pass them off as their own.
- Both disagree with their fathers politically.
- Both voted for Obama.
- Both greatly overestimate the size and influence of their YouTube fanbase.
- Both have implored their audience on YouTube to contact the authorities and have them arrest somebody they personally disliked.
- Both have wished God would smite people they personally disliked.
- Both have treated their fanbases like shit, causing them to troll and mock them in retaliation.
- Both have been the subject of Q&A sessions with trolls conducted by their former friends and e-pals who had grown tired of their shit.
- Both label people who give any kind of criticism as trolls.
- Both were documented on Down the Rabbit Hole.
- Both were involved with PewDiePie.
- Both were subject to A-Logging – Anthony A-Log LoGatto to Chris and Sons of Kojima to DSP.
- Both suck at doing impressions and accents.
- Both suck at singing (although it has been argued that Chris, despite being tonedeaf, is actually a technically better singer than DSP, possessing more range).
- Both have Vlog series chronicling their stupid everyday shit – Captain’s Log for Chris-Chan and The King of Hate Vlogs for DSP.
- Both frequently stammer and stumble over their words.
- Both suffer from grandiose delusions.
- Both are obsessed with entering contests.
- Both appear prematurely old due to their slovenly lifestyles, bad dieting, and poor wardrobe choices.
- Both sometimes use mangled Spanish.
- Neither of them have any talent, skills, self-awareness, or future.
- Both will likely die alone.
- Both like video games
DSP money and Adblock
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Kojima World Order
What got DSP so many haters in a short amount of time, was his MGS live playthroughs. He already was known for being a terrible player and an annoying asshole prior to these events, but nothing, NOTHING came close to the pure stupidity that unfolded with the following videos.
As you normally expect from a DSP video, he ignored every hint, made every obnoxious sex joke as many times as possible, and couldn't do the simplest Boss fights without taking several hours sometimes. He fucking sucked so bad at playing these games, it has become legendary.
Many trolls made fun of DSP which made him cry about it so much that he kept making videos about them. Yes ladies and gentlemen, the man who calls himself the KING OF HATE can't withstand hate. Some YouTube videos exposed every single problem in his MGS "Let's Plays".
He started with the second game and then the third and then he played the first Metal Gear Solid ... he sure knows when to pick up a series because it won't make any problems understanding the plot.
This is how you DON'T play MGS1
This is how you DON'T play MGS2
This is how you DON'T play MGS3
This is how you DON'T play MGS4
This is how you DON'T play MGSV: Ground Zeroes
This is how you DON'T play MGSV: The Phantom Pain (Part 1)
This is how you DON'T play MGSV: The Phantom Pain (Part 2)
DSP Tries it
"DSP Tries It" is a pathetic attempt to show that DSP had a chance in life. This autistic, bum-tumbling, scrotum licking, necrophiliac is a complete fuckhole induced with a strange addiction and tendency of pissing people off and generally being an anus. Someone who is both complete shit at video games and a money-sucking fuckwit should not be allowed to have a YouTube channel. Who's idea was it to let a fat middle-aged pitiful excuse for a man "review" axe body wash in the shower while playing with his own penis. This failed abortion should not let us know about his odd fetishes and anger-issue habits. It's that fucking simple, yet so fucking hard for him to understand.
When it's about food, he will talk out of his ass about vitamins, lettuce & nourishment, all while shoving down a greasy 1500 calories burger and eating with his mouth wide open and talking at the same time. Let's not forget the absolutely vile and loud munching noises.
When it's about normal items like a plunger, he will take years explaining incorrectly what it's good for and how it works and waste everyone's time.
When it's about hygiene products or his house tour ... even ogrish.com has less repulsive things to offer.
Videos of Phil's outstanding failures in life
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Jerking off on cam
Because Panda Lee won't let this fat blob inside her Asian cunt, he needs to jerk off. She is too busy making soap to clean out her vagina from all the other guys who she lets inside. We here at ED are surprised that xHamster didn't have that online lag, so Phil could successfully press buttons.
Bugged jerking mechanics
Spoilers: He didn't care that he was jerking it to his entire stream, and actually looks rather happy he did it by the end. Looks like he found another way to get dem views and monies!
And as a bonus, the fat lard actually got himself on PornHub because of it.
Being caught what he has been doing for the last 8 years straight made him self-aware
In a tale as strange as when the Irategamer called out AVGN on his e-begging schemes, it seems that Phil caught with his pants down, literally, made him self-aware, and instead of bitching like a child, as usually does, actually takes it in stride, meaning that he probably wanted to get caught.
Conclusion
WHAT?
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Gallery
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More disgusting than 2 girls 1 cup ... -
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WHY DON'T I GET ANY GOOD CARDS IN THIS FUCKING GAME?! -
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It's not the first time DSP got suspended on Twitch.
DSP experiences bugged satire mechanics
Old Dox
These are not relevant anymore, but we'd still like to show you what he paid for the old condo.
Property Value:
Estimate: $124,350
Rent Estimate: $1,127/mo
New Dox
He's trying to pay off a 1,500,000 mortgage with Adsense & Twitch (Never mind, he finally fucked up enough to get Twitch to tell him to get out.) Yeah, good luck with that, you dumb fuck.
See Also
- Street Fighter - The game that made him infamous.
- Lowti3rgod - Phil's distant cousin, the black King of Scrubs.
- WingsofRedemption - Phil's inbred cousin, the fat King of Scrubs, and his spiritual successor.
- Irate Gamer - Some have called him Phil's spiritual predecessor.
- Let's Play - The cancer that is killing gaming.
- Video Game Reviewers - Another bandwagon Phil tried to jump on.
- Angry Joe - Another chump Phil has ripped off
- Sons of Kojima - DarksydePhil is engaged in an internet fight with them
- Patreon - Phil's new favourite platform for e-begging.
- Purity sin - DarksydePhil but with a vagina.
External Links
- dspgaming - His main channel. Don't forget to use an Adblocker.
- DSPcultleader - An archive of DSPs' fuck-ups, taken long before this article was conceived.
DarksydePhil - His main Twitch accountLOL suspended again!- KOGaming - Phil's shitty new channel for edited khantent.
TheyCallMeDSP - Twitter account where he whines a lot.- Lolcow.wiki article
The Kiwi Farms / CWC Wiki Thread - Yes, even the Chris-Chan stalkers have a thread about him.- FurAffinity - Phil's FurAffinity account.
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| DarksydePhil is part of a series on Lolcows | [I'M PRESSING BUTTONS] | ||
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| Featured article August 10th & 11th, 2014 | ||
| Preceded by BLACKB0ND |
DarksydePhil | Succeeded by K-On! |
| Featured article September 28 & September 29, 2013 | ||
| Preceded by Atheist |
DarksydePhil | Succeeded by The xchan effect |