John Howard

Imagine me and you, I do. I think about you day and night, it's only right. To think about the girl you love, and hold her tight. So happy together!

File:JohnHoward.jpg The (Dis)honourable John Winston Howard, OM AC SSI (*1939–) is an Australian liberal politician and the former Prime Minister of Australia from 1996 to 2007. He also served as MP for Bennelong in New South Wales (1974–2007), Treasurer (1977–1983), and Chairman of the Commonwealth of Nations (2002–2003). He is an IRL troll who eventually lost his position as PM to Kevin Rudd, when Australian people were given some hope for the future, unaware that his reform agenda would be undermined by Julia Gillard who knifed him in the back and cut his balls off after having kinky buttsecks with Swanny and Lindsay Tanner just so she could become PM, bugger Australia and the Australian Labor Party which were decent before she won her seat in 1998. The Honourable John Howard is known for his small stature, tiny white willy, and stark resemblance to a Jim Henson muppet, an appearance befitting someone who spent most of his leadership years with George W. Bush's arm shoved up his arse.

When he was appointed Prime Minister in 1996, he was originally lauded for encompassing traditional Australian values, but left many Aussies butthurt over his higher interest rates and other forms of responsible economic management. With breathtaking political savvy, Howard spent his eleven year ministership sustaining economic growth, improving diplomatic ties with nearby Azns, and further securing Australia's future as a protectorate of the Jewnited States of Americunts. Long-time Howard bumbuddy Peter Howard Costello was most likely succeed him as his party's leader, with Howard himself resigning to form the Australian Lemon Party. Costello also quit after his noble leader resigned. Oh noes who will lead the liberals, find out next next episode of "Pokémon: Master Quest!".

While undoubtedly noted John Howard had an outstanding Cocaine addiction. To the many lulz of 1969 and the society, certain "High Roller" big time drug dealers, celebrities, musicians, and artists found to their amusement that John Howard was a raging homosexual. John Howard has also been linked and charged with the Lulacaust.

Little did Australia realize that following Howard's defeat, Rudd would lead the Aussies to some of the wackiest shit ever, much of which is covered in ED's 2010 article. In the same fashion that September 11 made George Bush obscenely popular in the USA until he did ridiculous stuff, Howard was basically Rudd's 9/11: something awful that gave him the power to do whatever he wanted.

Mildly interesting information

One of Howard's first actions in office, April 1996, was to organise the world's biggest 'civilian' vs. civilian massacre at Port Arthur as a pretext to disarming the Commonwealth. This charming tactic actually worked, and the 99.98% of the law-abiding gun-owning population was all but disarmed. This process was in line with best practice as laid down by his personal idol the Baroness Thatcher and the British Firearms (Amendment) Act 1988. The whole thing was a conspiracy to eliminate inbreds and possible zoophiles.

Howard had an inability to lie convincingly, but for some reason, the Australian public were shocked and appalled every time he did it. One might think the Aussies might have smartened up and realised that politicians actually lie- but they didn't. Howard was a seasoned troll, using his power to undermine workers' rights and embarrass the union movement in Australia with his WorkChoices legislation. It is a well-known fact outside Australia that he did this not for the sake of the economy, but for the lulz.

Howard had a definite tendency to do things that the Australians didn't see coming. Examples include passing the 'WorkChoices' legislation that he'd not told the electorate he was planning, bringing in the Goods and Services Tax after promising that the GST was "never, ever" going to be introduced by his government, and supporting the hunt for WMDs in Iraq. As a result of this, there have been hushed rumours that he was the inspiration for the meme HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS.

Hypersensitive chardonnay socialists take great umbrage to anything and everything Howard does, with such stunning political commentary as "OMG JOHN HOWARD IS A NAZI!!1" Which, y'know, isn't really true. Because Howard did not use his time in office to perpetrate the slaughter of millions of Jews. If he had done that, he would probably be more popular.

Howard, as with any prominent world leader, is the focus of absolutely side-splitting political parody and satire. The most brilliant political minds work together to come up with such anti-Howard gems as "Howard is a coward". Most of Howard's detractors are misinformed pothead students with no political sense. As opposed to most of his supporters, who are generally the tax-dodging scum of the upper middle class.

Howard, after losing the 2007 election and his seat in parliament, immediately approached G. W. Bush and promptly sucked him off while begging him for work as a 'hot personal maid'. Despite Howard already having purchased the costume, Bush simply bukkaked Howard's face and turned him over to the Log Cabin Republicans. Bush did it for teh lulz, and for this, if nothing else, we salute the silly coke-raddled little prick.

Howard lost his own seat in the 2007 election, and is only the second Australian Prime Minister to have had this happen since Australia imported its first steam engine in 1929. In other words, he is an idiot.

Howard was educated entirely for free at public schools and fee-free Universities and has spent his entire political career fucking over subsequent generations by trying to deny them the same opportunities. In other words, he's a hypocritical cunt.

Howard lived with his Mother for almost half of his life, even getting her to sell the family home and move to a different suburb so he could try to win a seat for the Liberal party. When he failed at this he made her sell the new place and move back. Ever hear of 'moving out of your mom's basement, fuckhead? In other words, he's a basement dwelling Oedipal-complexed Mummy's boy.

Howard only moved out of home in 1971 at the age of 31, and only because he got married and presumably his Mum had to stop breastfeeding him when Janette, his new wife, was around because she felt weird about it. He's spent the rest of his political career telling the most disadvantaged sections of society that they need to stand on their own two feet and that they should not be supported by others. In other words, he's a gobsmackingly hypocritical fucking little cunt.

When Howard is not being a party girl for US Republican man-trains, he likes to relax by watching dwarf porn. This is because he finds women taller than he is a turn on.

In a recent made-up survey, 88% of Australians have confirmed that they wouldn't piss on Howard if he was on fire. The other 12% have been infected by his liberal cult of personality and are bawwwwwing that Australia's greatest Prime Minister has nothing better to do than gobble Republicum and lie about his golf scores.

Internets Revolution

Wikipedia Tampering

Mr. Howard, knowing full well that he was facing humiliation the 2007 election, resorted to desperate measures to try to win. Here's a fine example of one of his attempts to rewrite history: tampering with Wikipedia. This has resulted in Wikipedia locking his article so that only admins can edit it. If there is any justice in the world, you'd head over there right now and do everything you can to vandalise the fuck out of it.

YouTube

John Howard is on YouTube! SEE! He's not old and out of touch with the young folks! He's as "cool" and "hip" as the next "happening" young "dude"! "Radical!" "Bonzer!"

MySpace

Howard is Mr. Popularity himself when it comes to social networking on the internets: he has a phenominal ~~nine~~ eight(!) friends, including Tom. It is unknown how he conducts this revolutionary campaigning.