Brandon Crisp

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Brandon in his crisp new Ice Wizard robes.

The Brandon Crisp Before...

Brandon "DJ ICE" Crisp was a normal Catholic boy from the great land of milk bags. He was an average boy at the age of 15 and attended a Catholic high school where he learned about God and fellatio. Brandon had a rather unhealthy relationship with his Xbox, skipping school to play Call of Duty all day long. On October 13th, he had a fight with his parents and his parents decided to take his Ecksbawks. Suffering from immense amounts of butthurt, he threatened to pack his bags and move in with his auntie and uncle in Bel-Air. His father played along with his son's sudden outburst of unwarranted self-importance and helped him pack his bags (though forgetting to throw in some medipacks). He was later quoted that, "He had done it for the lulz."

Brandon's nigger tactics kept him alive briefly, until he joined forces with Jake Roberts and failed the final level in his favorite MMORPG called Fallout Tree, by climbing up a tree and attempting to swan dive to the nearest branch. In a sudden realization that he was not fit nor had an ounce of parkour skills, Brandon plummeted to Final Stand and took the coward's way out. Before the Game Masters could find his body, Facebook campaigns with over 9,000 people were formed. And with a lot of moralfags, comes a lot of trolls.

Brandon Crisp was appointed an Xbox hero on the 5th of November by internet's super heroes, /b/. His death was almost as lulzy as An Wiiro, but with the powers of online communities, moar lulz were had when /b/ started to leave their condolences on Facebook.

Brandon was a tiny, angry, retarded Canadian kid, though some say he was a pretty cool guy. He enjoyed watching the movies Ice Age, Out Cold, Brain Freeze, Encino Man, In Cold Blood, The Big Chill, Jack Frost, Cold Mountain, Polar Express,Batman & Mr. Freeze: SubZero, The Ice Storm, and Frozen River. Unfortunately, he was not a fan of Extreme Survival or that Canadian show Survivorman. Brandon enjoyed listening to "Cold as Ice" by Foreigner, "North to Alaska" by Johnny Horton, "Ice Ice Baby" by Vanilla Ice, "Stone Cold Crazy" by Queen, "Baby, It's Cold Outside" by Esther Williams^✡ and Ricardo Montalban, "The Iceman Cometh" by Impelliterri, "Cold Hearted" by Paula Abdul^✡, "So Cold" by Breaking Benjamin, "World So Cold" by Mudvayne, the album Alaska by Between The Buried And Me, the album "Cold Blooded" by Rick James, anything with Ice Cube or Ice T in it, and pretty much anything by Coldplay, Cold War Kids, or Imperial Crystalline Entombment (also known as I.C.E., lulz). When Brandon was feeling classy, he'd listen to Vivaldi's "Winter", Westlake's "Antarctica Suite" but he never listened to Stravinsky's "Danse Inferne". His favorite play was Eugene O'Neill's The Iceman Cometh. Crisp disliked Snoop Dogg's "Drop It Like It's Hot", Nelly's "Hot In Here", and Jim Gaffigan's "Hot Pockets" routine. He also loved the wrestling antics of Stone Cold Steve Austin.

There is speculation that Brandon was just following his Dad's orders when he was told to "go chill out". It has also been reported that Brandon enjoyed dressing as Mr. Freeze for Halloween. It is also speculated that if Brandon Crisp and Codey Porter combine their powers, Captain Planet will return. We have also gotten word that his favorite Bing Crosby movie was White Christmas. It is also possible that he got auto-balanced and is now somewhere in Russia.

	“	we need to find brandon crisp. hes been gone since oct 13th if anybody knows where he is call the police 705-725-7025	„

The Argument

The Brandon Crisp story, in South Park style.

Brandon, like any 13 year old boy got exceedingly upset when he was told by his father that his Xbox 360 was being confiscated due to his schoolwork suffering, and as with all teen arguments, this resulted in a large amount of drama and he told his parents he was moving with his Auntie and Uncle in Bel-Air, Brandon's dad being the responsible parent he even helped his son to pack his bags in a true gesture of fatherly love. Having never played Oregon Trail as a child, Brandon failed to know what to do when confronted with the choice of leaving. Thus, he bought no oxen, bacon, meat, dried fruits and vegetables, whiskey, or winter coats but rather 12 grandfather clocks. Pity.

As hockey season had not yet started, the Canadian news covered Brandon's disappearance 24-7. Microsoft knows when a good promo opportunity presents itself, so Bill Gates offered to donate 25,000Confederate Canadian moneys to the reward fund, plus an extra dollar for every time you forwarded Bill's email.

Mr. Crisp told journalists he expected to see him back within a few hours, or at worst, the next day. Upon receiving news of his son's death, Mr. Crisp organized a huge party and invited all his friends and neighbors round for some nibbles and fine wine, then returned Brandon's birthday gift, ironically a new coat. After all, no longer having to put up with Brandon's attitude was cause to celebrate, right?

Memorial Songs & CopyPasta

[-+]The Real Story

I'm a member of the search and rescue squad that was deployed to find Brandon Crisp. I had never 
dealt with a serious case like this before; the kid was young, not exactly an outdoorsman from what 
I understood, and he'd been lost for weeks in Canadian fall/winter weather. Of course we never told 
the parents, but we were looking for a corpse, not a little boy.
Not knowing the land around Barrie nearly as well as some of my fellow investigators, I resigned 
myself to the fact that I was comparatively useless and would probably end up covering much less 
ground than my coworkers. Nevertheless, I bundled up warm and set out. I decided to do some 
searching east of Barrie, since most of the area to the north and west had been thoroughly scoured 
for any signs of human life.

After maybe an hour of searching, I found an old, abandoned farmhouse. I inspected the house, which 
didn't look like it had been used for decades, and couldn't find any footprints. I briefly glanced 
inside each room, perfunctorily shouting Brandon’s name. He was nowhere to be found. I was 
disappointed, since that had seemed like the best lead yet. A farmhouse would have been an 
excellent place for a kid on the run to hide from frosty winds and the bitter elements.

---

I continued my search, heading further east. I looked for footprints, snapped twigs, any manmade 
items that might have been discarded by the boy. All I could find was a broken branch sitting next 
to a bark-stripped tree, which,unless Brandon had very peculiar tastes, meant only that there was a 
deer somewhere in those desolate woods. So Iheard a faint sound u liek mudkipz, almost like 
grunting, echoing through the trees. It sounded vaguely human, andI tried my best to follow the 
reverberating noises. There was an equally good chance that it was some meaner sortof creature, 
though, so I drew my pistol cautiously. I ran as softly as I could towards what I hoped were 
the echoing grunts.

Finally, I came upon a break in the trees. I carefully approached the clearing, trying to see what 
I was up against before making any sort of movement. Finally i came up to the clearing , dropped my 
pants and unloaded a steamer into his mouth before cumming to the sight of my boyfriend's tiny cock.

[-+]Brandon the Snowman

Brandon The snowman,
was a jolly happy soul,
With a 360 and COD4,
And a lot of time online,

Brandon the snowman,
Will be missed they say,
He was frozen in snow,
Now the children know,
Not to run away.

There must have been a tree,
In the Barrie wilderness,
For when he fell down and hit his head,
He began to bleed out!

Brandon the snowman,
was dead as he could be,
And the children say,
He couldn't play,
COD4.

Brandon the snowman,
Knew the snow fell that day,
So he began to run,
And had some fun,
Before he met his frozen grave

4km from the village,
With a controller in his hand,
Falling here and there,
Out of the trees,
Saying Devil may care,

Brandon the snowman,
died alone and cold,
I bet he cried,
for his Xbox live,
As his blood stopped moving.

[-+]Bel-Air, Ode to An Hero

Now this is the story all about how
I died naked & frozen up-side-down
I'd like to take a minute just sit right there,
I'll tell you how taking my XBOX was completely unfair

In west Ontario, born and raised
On CoD4 was where I spent most of my days
Shootin' down choppers and scannin' so cool
Just killin' some Russians right after school
When a couple of n00bs who were up to no good
Started makin' trouble in my neighborhood
I played for one week straight and my Dad got scared
He said, "Run away forever and see if I care!"

I rode off on my bike, and then it was clear
The tires went flat and a chain broke in my gear
I could still see my house, I could go back there?
But I thought, "Nah, forget it, my 'rents are unfair!"

I fell into the snow around 7 or 8
And I yelled to my team, "Hey guys, I'll respawn later!"
I looked for some cover, but nothing was there
And that's why takin' my XBOX was completely unfair.

[-+]I WILL SURVIVE... so he thought

At first I was annoyed
I was mystified
Kept thinking I could never live
without Xbox by my side
But I spent so many nights
thinking how you did me wrong
I grew strong
I learned how to run away
and now I'm gone!
From this shit place!
I just walked out and left you there
with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed my stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key 
If I had known for just one second
you'd be back to steal CoD

I've gone on now, walked out the door
I won't turn around now
'cause you stole my CoD4
Weren't you the one, that wouldn't let me have my fucking games?
You think I'd crumble?
You think I'd stay in my room and cry!?
Oh no, not I
I will just die
As long as I don't have any of newbs to pwn
I know I can't stay alive
I've got all my life to game
I've got all my skills to pwn
But I won't survive!
I won't survive!

It took all the strength I had
not to go back home
Kept trying hard to mend
the pieces of my broken soul
and I spent oh so many nights
just feeling sorry for my team
oh how I cried
Now I can feel my eye's grow tired
and you can't see me
Nobody knew
I'm not that chained up l33t gamer
still in love with Xbox live
And so I felt like sitting down
and resting my head down in the snow
Now I'm freezing in this field, becoming an hero

[-+]No, Brandon, you are the Xbox

Brandon Crisp waited. 

The Xbox was disconnected right in front of him. His parents carried it from the room. He didn't 
see it, but had expected it now for years. 

His warnings to Captain Price were not listened to and now it was too late. Far too late for now, anyway. 
Brandon had played Tour of Duty 4 for fifteen years. When he was young he watched the consoles and he said to 
dad "I want to play on the consoles daddy." 

Dad said "No! You will be FROZEN IN THE WOODS". There was a time when he believed him. Then as he got oldered he stopped. 
But now in his bedroom he knew he had to escape. 

"This is Price" the radio crackered. "You must run away!" So Brandon gotted his bike and ran off without a coat. 

"HE GOING TO GET FROZEN" said the onlookers 

"I will freeze him" said the weather and it fired snow at him. Brandon climbed up at him and tried to dodge him. 
But then the snow fell and they were trapped and not able to kill. 

"No! I must get my Xbox" he shouted. The radio said "No, Brandon. You are the Xbox." And then Brandon was frozen.

[-+]Under the Tree

under the tree

under the tree

Brandon is better

frozen with no sweater

take it from /b/


lost his xbox one day

threw a fit and ran away

now he is deader 

ain't this better?

under a tree

(for oldfags)
Sometimes I feel like I don't have an X-box

Sometimes I feel like my only friend

Is Tour of Duty

Cuz I liked shooting the Nazis

Chilly as I am

Together we die

So Cash

Hey Ultranationalists,

My name is Brandon, and I hate every single one of you. All of you are slow, inaccurate n00bs who spend every second of their day getting knifed in the back by me, Brandon. You are everything cold in the world. Honestly, have any of you ever gotten level 55? I mean, I guess it's fun losing to a 15 year old because you're a faggot, but you all take it to a whole new level. This is even worse then jerking off to my obituaries on Facebook.

Don't be a Spetznaz. Just hit me with your best airstrike. I'm pretty much frozen. I was leader of the scoreboards, and beaten by my dad. What games do you play, other than "not freeze to death in the woods"? I also get RROD, and have a pretty warm jacket (Just lost it; I am SO cold). You are all losers who should buy a better bike next time. Thanks for searching.

Pic related: It's me and my box.

Brandon Crisp Facts

Brandon Crisp died before his Xbox did.

Brandon Crisp went straight to Dead, did not pass Go, and did not collect $200.

Brandon Crisp accidentally life.

Facebook

The Facebook group called WHERE IS BRANDON CRISP has around 22,000 members, and was created by Natasha Crisp and Samantha Crisp. This (and the fact that Facebook notifies you each and every single time someone posts in a thread you posted in) created a huge shitflow of trolls vs. moralfags.

Beyond the Call of Duty. LOLOL cold-blooded LOLOL accounts get frozen LOLOL

	“	Im sorry but the group has been removed.....the things that were being posted by people was disgusting.....im truly sorry for having to do this......keep the family in your thoughts and prayers.... Andrew (truly am sorry)	„
	—Andrew Hanna, one of the group's administrators.

	“	WOW takes REAL retarded talent to fall out of a tree and run away IN CANDA.......IN THE WINTER!!!!!!! i think all he was doing was demanding attention...(the wrong way the very STUPID wrong way) does he get any award for this type of neuron-disabled-shenanigan!? id like to know and all of you ppl who feel sorry for him ....well tough luck i don't but i do feel a bit sorry for his parents (WAIT SCRATCH THAT) it takes alot of guts to raise an hero such as this i hope there is COD4 where ever he iz* O.O	„
	—LOL

	“	What a sad, sad person, comitting suicide because he had his Xbox360 taken away	„
	—Someone who payed $120 for a single game for his PS2

	“	If this case turns up as Foul play...the investigation will turn into a murder investigation. All you liitle shits making these comments will definetyl be checked into. You do realize this site is police monitored!!??	„
	—Moralfag who hasn't Learned to Internet.

	“	TO THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE USED THIS WALL AS YOUR OWN PERSONAL CRAP LINE . DO YOU NOT REALIZE DESPITE "FAKE ACCOUNTS" YOUR ISP NUMBER FROM THE COMP YOUR USING CAN BE TRACED. AND MANY OF YOU OR YOUR PARENTS CAN BE CHARGED?	„
	—Another Moralfag

	“	You know, I like COD4 too. But thats where the similarity ends. I'm not dead.	„
	—Jamie

	“	There once was a family who let their kid play CoD4 While hearing his mother moan upstairs like a whore She took it from behind like a good concubine While the father was sucking off some guy named Thor Then they took the xbox away Mom, Dad, And thor Now the kid ran away To try and even the score It was cold and scary at night The kid curled up and cried all right With his last breath he finally admitted I FUCKING HATE CAMPERS!	„
	—Anon

	“	Shame.. he didn't even get to play Fallout Tree!	„
	—Anon

	“	The best thing about getting your XBOX taken away isn't freezing to death and falling out of a tree, it's showing everybody online that you did..	„
	—Brandon Crisp

	“	Why do they call it a 360? Because when daddy takes it away, you turn 360 degrees and die in the snow.	„
	—Anon

	“	Accounts frozen? Bullshit, the only thing frozen so far is Brandon Crisp.	„
	—Jamie

	“	I guess he didnt have last stand!	„
	—GhitaEspizzo of Kotaku, Disemvoweled for comment.

	“	Everyone please help report these cold-hearted bastards. Hopefully we can get their accounts frozen...	„
	—King of Hyrule

	“	IF THAT LITTLE BOY DESERVED TO DIE SO DO YOU! IDIOT, KARMA IS A BITCH AND YOU'RE NOW CURSED...HAVE A NICE LIFE SUFFERING YOU FUCKING LOSER, I'M TOTALLY REPORTING YOUR ASS!!	„
	—Fuck Ugly Moralfag

	“	you ppl accept for jessy are all rude you ppl must be ashamed of urselves wat if sumone wrote this on your fb page if you died you probly wouldnt care have sume respect!!!	„
	—Idiot, not quite comprehending the situation They didn't lose their son, their son lost himself.

	“	Jamie	„
	—Remember, remember the 5th of november Brandon, the snow and the x-box, I see no reason why this little tosser freezing Should ever, be, forgot.

	“	Claire Fo	„
	—Remember Remember the Crisp of November When Brandon walked out the door. His mother said no So he decided to go To hell, where he can play Call of Duty 4.

	“	Another lulzy poet	„
	— Now this is the story all about how I ended up cold and upside-down I'd like to take a minute just sit right there I'll tell you how taking my XBOX is completely unfair In Barrie Ontario born and raised On CoD's where I spent most of my days Shootin' down choppers and scannin' so cool Just killin some Russians right after school When a couple of noobs who were up to no good Started makin' trouble in my neighborhood I played for one week straight and my Dad got scared And said "Run away forever and see if I care!" I rode off on my bike, and it became clear The tires went flat and broke a chain in my gear I could still see my house, I could go back there I thought "Nah, forget it" my 'rents are unfair! I fell into the snow around 7 or 8 I yelled out to my team "Hey guys, I'll re-spawn later!" I looked for some cover, but nothing was there And that's why takin' my XBOX is totally unfair.

	“	BEL AIR	„
	— I can guarantee u this hanry loser will get a nice awakening when the Crisp family and/or facebook reports him to the police. Get ready for a knock on ur door, cuffs, sitting in a police car, getting put in a holding cell & being denied bail. If the family has any say whatsoever hopefully the crown will throw u straight to prison to smarten up! Enjoy being prepared to be humilated and bashed in the court room. Ill make sure Im notified from the Crisp family when to attend & smile seeing u charged for ur disgusting behaviour. I reported everything to them & facebook so both will take action w/the police

	“	Some bitch who left the kitchen for too long	„
	— /b/crisp is a pretty cool guy and eh doesn't afraid of anything

Previous Quote | Next Quote

Tribute Video

Note: It seems to be a growing trend that Anon's tributes are being taken off YouTube due to the uploaders' own choices. It is advised that these are to be mirrored before they are taken down so it does not completely screw up the page.

Angry little boy responds

After Anon had made their tributes to their favorite human popsicle, a 13 year old boy by the name of FredAnimated decided to stand up to the bullies and started to ramble on about icicles on balls and shoving his microphone up various rectums, because they are some of his fetishes.

“	Where do I begin? Fuck you, you little bitch, I hope you die. Go suck your mom's dick instead of makin' fun of that poor boy, okay? I'm gonna fuckin' hang icicles off of your balls and see how you like it you, little asshole. I'll take this microphone and shove it up your ass. (Raises middle finger) See that? That's something that Brandon would like me to show you, you little dickhead. Fuckin' murder you over a videogame, you little asscrack. It should be illegal what you did, you little asswipe. Friggin' stick your penis up your mom's ass.	„
—Fred Animated.

Ramifications

Anon was shocked by such obscenity, because after all, who swears on the internetz? FredAnimated was then pulled aside by his father, a /b/tard himself, and he forcibly entered his big black horsecock into the little boys mouth against his will, and then later as he was anally raping him without lube, Fred committed seppuku and thus passed into posterity the legend of FredAnimated, the little engine that could faggot. A more formidable foe Anon surely has never encountered before, and a collective sigh of relief was breathed across all chans upon his fuck and resultant death.

Oi, Suzy!

Brandon Crisp Gallery About missing Pics

• 
  help me
• 
  My Final Form
• 
  TOO EARLY
• 
• 
  More like finished him, amirite?
• 
  LOL WUT
• 
• 
  But I think this one knows he's dead, amirite?

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

• 
  RROD
• 
  Send the search party.
• 
  Introducing the newest flavor
• 
  Why No Celsius?
• 
• 
• 
  But then I froze
• 
  Ffruustration version of the story
• 
  PREORDER NOW!
• 
  You'll shit brix
• 
• 
• 
• 
  BRB LOL
• 
• 
  LAAAAAAAG
• 
• 
  What really happened....
• 
  The great thing about getting your 360 taken away isn't dying in the snow, it's showing everyone online that I did.
• 
  Admission of guilt
• 
• 
  Wikipedia knows all
• 
  OVER 9000?!?
• 
  Strikin while teh iron is hot
• 
• 
• 
  I R WINRAR!
• 
  What do I do?
• 
  LOL Facebook
• 
  When you see it, you'll turn 360 degrees and run away from home.
• 
  Long live Tour of Duty.
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
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  Time Paradox
• 
  Fanboys always make it about them
• 
  Some Hate Mail from his schoolmate
• 
• 
  Brandon's Myspace that got baleeted.
• 
  U roooooose!!!"11
• 
  Don't do it.
• 
• 
  An 15-Year-Old Virgin
• 
  Sub-Zero tried to save Brandon like this
• 
  Trolled by a Professional
• 
  Brandon's favorite cereal

Death

Hunters found his body in teh woods. Let's examine the fucking facts here: His bike was found not far from his house, there are no strangers in that area and he has no friends; how the FUCK could you be that much of a failure as to die just as you get two blocks from your house? His parents are obviously The Killers. They reported the incident so as not to attract suspicion. The only other possibility is that he An Hero'd via hanging on a branch, trying to evade Shotacat.

Possibilities:

• An hero
• Killed by parents
• Bear trap
• Jack Frost
• Hypothermia
• Tripped on a stick
• Carbon Monoxide
• El Chupacabra
• Gaz
• Jews
• George Bush
• Shotacat
• AIDS
• Being mistaken for a deer and subsequently shot by Dick Cheney
• Thinking he could not get affected by weather like in video games
• FROZEN TO A CRISP

Recent investigation shows that it is possible Brandon was in fact pwnd by a tree while camping completing his Goodbye challenge for 250 XP.

“	Brandon was out in the woods playing Fall of Duty 4.	„
—Winrar /b/tard

See Also

• Jake Roberts
• An Halo
• 360 Kid
• Codey Porter, the Sand Ninja who convinced his friends to bury him alive in a sandbox.

External links

• A MySpace dedication for Brandon Crisp PWNED
• The Article on the drama
• Crappy FailBook group POOLS CLOSED PWNED
• Crisp of November and more in 3D
• Facebook group for Brandon

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Brandon Crisp is part of a series on Dying Alone [DeadCry yourself to sleep] Those Who Have Died Alone Aaron Alexis ☠ Aaron Bushnell ☠ Aaron Swartz ☠ Adam Lanza ☠ Alexis Arquette ☠ Amanda Todd ☠ Amy Winehouse ☠ Anal Cunt ☠ Andy Kaufman ☠ Angry Grandpa ☠ Anna Nicole Smith ☠ Anthony Warner ☠ Asa Coon ☠ Brian Adams ☠ Brandon Crisp ☠ Byuu ☠ Charmaine Dragun ☠ Cho Seung-Hui ☠ Chris Benoit ☠ Chris Harper-Mercer ☠ Chyna ☠ Codey Porter ☠ David Bowie ☠ David Carradine ☠ Dragoneer ☠ Eazy-E ☠ Edarem ☠ Elliot Rodger ☠ Elvis Presley ☠ George Sodini ☠ Gizgiz ☠ Gleb Korablev ☠ HappyCabbie ☠ Harambe ☠ H.P. 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Brandon Crisp is part of a series on Soviet Canuckistan [CollapseExpand]

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Featured article November 28, 2008
Preceded by Thanksgiving	Brandon Crisp	Succeeded by iChan