America's Third Party

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America's Third Party is the manifestation of the midlife crisis of the racist, closeted-homosexual, chronically-unemployed, narcissistic David Jon Sponheim.

After David realized how pointless his life has been, living in his parent's van, eating out of the trash — he was born addicted to nicotine as his mother smoked ten a day while pregnant, he now desires to redeem himself by running for President of the United States, with his unshaven lover Sarah L. Hart as his running mate. Despite a vigorous attempt at running a presidential campaign on internet cam sites with a poor copy of Alex Jones, their party still consists of only two members and the occasional moral support of a few literal retards.

A True Founding Father

During a certain period in America, parents were encouraged to teach their worthless children they could grow up to become anything they wanted to be, regardless of actual skill and aptitude.

Children during this time were raised as though they were a special snowflake, and carried the mentality into adulthood that whether win or lose, they'd still be someone important.

What could possibly go wrong?

After spending his entire life knowing nothing about politics, David Jon Sponheim founded a political party that speaks to the people — all 54 of them on Facebook. Originally the party was a joint effort between David and Sarah, with Sarah being the only one to actually run for the Washington State Senate; but Sarah had to step aside to Dave's greatness. In a lame attempt to appeal to America's kiddies, the party started with the awful name "cool rock party." You can find David rocking the vote with black face-paint, reminding everyone that all of America's problems are to blame on the president being a nigger. As your standard yuppie generation faggot, David is acutely aware that niggers are inferior, but as a fellow inferior with a lust for popularity to sooth his fragile ego, he has a constant need to hide this fact when you aren't stealing all his narcissistic supply like evil Obama. But remember, he's not a racist, he's an American!!

Die Partei ist David

What you have to understand about Dave is, he's something of a big deal. He was a chess master and valedictorian of his class, and would have been accepted into the top schools if it was not for affirmative action, which allowed Obama to take his place. He had to go to his last choice, UCLA, and dropped out after two years due to communist professors laughing him out of the building on a daily basis.

He once interrupted Milton Friedman with his whining, later claiming that he totally pwned him in a debate. David has an IQ of 185 and the best ideas you have never heard of because of the man keeping him down, such as tying a Boeing plane to a blimp. He remains mysteriously unemployed while knowing more about every subject than the experts paid to know about the subject. Being originally from California, he has a made-up story about meeting every celebrity under the sun. David loves to gaslight and use big words incorrectly. Fitting with his Alex Jones style, he knows the least about Nazis despite always talking about them. Contradicting him always leads to epic amounts of tard rage, accusations that you've been paid by the government and naturally you just threatened his life. He will also randomly invoke "you think in black and white, there is grey area." Oh, David has a multimillion dollar security system (i.e., two BB guns) ready for anybody who shows up at his door.

Demonstrating that he's a trustworthy individual, it takes David years to acknowledge he may have been wrong. Pictured left is a retarded guy who pretended to be a war hero, only seeming retarded because he fell 6000 feet from a helicopter. The same guy also pretends to be a doctor. Dave refused to believe he was lying for years until someone donated to force him to watch a video where he admitted it. David also maintains contact with a "Doctor" Mount, who received his doctorate in bible studies from some diploma mill, and is thus an expert in foreign relations. In general, David is very gullible. Getting into his inner circle is easy, pretend to be a secret gubment special ops with insider information, and you'll be able to get on his show and ramble utter nonsense on the air.

Being too much of an introvert to get outside and meet someone, he met his lover in some chat room for desperate singles. The two met sometime around 1999, Dave was 38 and she was 20. At the time she was a welfare recipient and more than happy to put up with Dave's bullshit to keep a roof over her head. Nobody has ever seen Dave kiss her on the lips, indicating he is one of those asexual narcissists.

The Campaign Trail

The time tested strategy of perpetually campaigning online is proven to be the most effective.

David Jon Sponheim spends his time living in the house that he inherited from his parents, who are now dead. He extracts rent from Sarah, a substitute teacher and the home's breadwinner. Instead of getting a job or doing any actual campaign work, Dave spends all day watching Alex Jones, blindly believing in every stupid conspiracy theory that finds him to blame society for his lack of self-confidence. His online show...er "campaign," consists of him patronizing retarded faggots that think he's awesome, performing shitty impressions of presidents and other famous people, raging and banning anybody who dares disagree with him, and replaying the same seven conspiracy videos again and again. In truth, David should have been the leader of some suicide cult, and would have ultimately done the world a huge favor.

The party platform involves a new economic model called hybrid capitalism, where the government would compete in the private sector as a business. David's careful research has proven this would have no adverse effects on the free market, as if public schools don't compete with private ones making private schools more expensive. While David is busy labeling his adversaries as NSA puppets, he remains willfully ignorant that his own platform supports the NSA. His favorite plan is to build a seawater pipeline, because "much of our country is uninhabitable due to a lack of water."

His show provides online entertainment six days a week, consisting of "Conspiracy Monday," "Truth Tuesday," "Wasteful Wednesday," "Technology Thursday," "Fun Friday," and "Anti-War Saturday." But let's be honest, every day is Conspiracy Monday! Such unoriginal greatness includes that oft repeated Alex Jones lie that duh natzis used fluoride on da jews, and that fluoride also caused Columbine; because the best way for a tyrannical regime to pacify its people into submission is to send them on murderous rampages. Like any other conspiratard, his worldview centers around an awareness of the Jewish question, but because of the six trillion and a need to be PC to gather social proof, they have convinced themselves of the truth of euphemisms such that "globalist" "banker" "elite" "media"—with Jewish names—funded EVIL NAZI HITLER.

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BROKE OBOMBUS

Gallery

America's Third Gallery About missing Pics

David's proof that he is in fact American
David taking special caution around people of color
Party donations help him make trips to lecture a retard in a mickey mouse shirt.
More glam shots!

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

DO NOT WANT
Bwahhh
Where the magic happens
David's design of an airship that travels up to 400 MPH is one example of his vast knowledge of aerophysics.
Obama fears MS Paint
Replace the star with a dollar sign and Dave would agree.
Truth

How to Troll ATP

Acknowledge reality
Ask Dave when the show starts
Ask Dave what "hybrid capitalism" is hybridized with
Ask how many state ballots they are on
Be a White nationalist
Advocate Holocaust revisionism
Call Dave a socialist
Correct David
Demand more blackface
Get Dave a job
Disagree
Let Dave know Sarah is the breadwinner, so he is technically a woman
Let Dave know his SAT score contradicts his pretend, impossible IQ
Offer Constructive Criticism
Say Dave's impressions suck
Support Obama
Tell Dave he is being condescending to whatever Down's Syndrome patient he is chatting up