John McCain

BREAKING NEWS!!
He has finally croaked!

~~Experience~~ Change you can believe in.

John McCain was a Borg-like giant malignant melanoma tumor with few human traits left who planned on world pwnage if elected. He should have died while he was imprisoned in Chinkland, but instead he decided to continue living until the age of 81 before finally dropping dead.

Born at least 100 years ago, McCain would have surpassed Dick Cheney as the nation's oldest chief executive, becoming the second President to suffer from Alzheimer's and the first to suffer from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Facing criticism from the Republican Party that he's too liberal and from the Democratic Party that he's too conservative, McCain whined as he made his claim to be the The Maverick [1] but is also a secret founding member of the Lemon Party. He also likes surprise buttsecks and is a pirate irl.

In his final masterstroke, McCain recruited the amazing Sarah Palin after Republicans showed that even they had more sense than to take Joe Lieberman aboard. McCain is absolutely inscrutable, and the correct response to any criticism of his policies is: "FUCK YOU! HE SPENT FIVE AND A HALF YEARS IN A P.O.W. CAMP!"

Biography

McCain being rescued by Vietnamese locals after accidentally crashing his multi-million dollar A-4 Skyhawk jet into Trúc Bạch Lake. McCain's blood alcohol content at the time of the crash was .25%, five times the legal U.S. Navy limit.

John McCain was born on April 1, 1869; son of a Jew in the United States Navy. Dad or granddad now has an aircraft carrier named for himself.

Throughout John's education, daddy's Jew gold bought him the right to slack off and reputation, which carried him through his education. Good thing, too, because he turned out to be a complete fucking moron, graduating #894/899 from his class at the Naval Academy, his sorry ass only being saved by daddy's reputation.

Whether or not he has the assburgers is not yet known; he will have his staff look into it after they figure out how many houses he has.

John McCain was one of the most 1337 pilots of all time, probably second to Amelia Earhart. He was so good at his job of pilot that five of his planes crashed. One of the more humorous crashes happened in 1967 aboard the USS Forrestal. Anxious to bomb some charlies, he let kerosene pool in his engine so he could take off with a bang. However, when he started, he was surprised that the sudden flame coming from his engine cooked off the bombs in the plane behind him. McCain managed to climb out over the bodies of 134 crew and 161 injured. When asked about this, McCain replies, "I did it for the lulz". John McCain was finally shot down while bombing strategic dog farms and enemy rice paddies around Hanoi later that year, but he parachuted into a lake. Happy locals showed their thanks by pulling him to shore and beating the shit out of him. They also built a monument celebrating his near drowning.

He implies that he was tortured by North Vietnamese soldiers for several years but they put him up in the Hanoi Holiday Inn (situation being reversed, he wouldn't have lived, but is he grateful?). The Hanoi Holiday Inn wasn't good enough for a McCain, so he made propaganda broadcasts for the Vietnamese commies on Radio Commie Vietnam to weasel his way into a berth at the Hanoi Hilton. He's probably best known for his long-running lounge act at that famous nightspot, giving aid and succor to gook troops (McCain's way of describing his benefactors) with witty stand-up routines, smooth melodies, and helpful lists.

The Vietnamese media speaks of a fisherman who rescued John McCain in return for oral sex in the winter of 1968. Leung Ong Lhan, now 78, says that McCain "sucked my cock".

"At first I was just giving them these things because I felt sorry for them, but Lieutenant McCain insisted on 'returning the favor.' I never knew what a 'swirly' was until we took McCain prisoner. I could have gotten him to do whatever I wanted at the time," says Leung through a translator. "I'm sure I could have gotten anal had I been into it."

McCain, attempting to connect with evangelicals, has all of sudden found massive faiyth! He enjoys recounting a prison story from his POW days to all his "friends". In his account, a prison guard would sneak into his room naked while John was asleep and then gently loosen the ropes on John, then come back in the morning and tighten them up again. How sweet! This prison relationship climaxed on Christmas Day when the guard drew an adorable cross on the ground for McCain to strain his neck and look at. "We were two Christians, just worshiping together", a grateful John McCain explained to his "friends". Whoever is elected, America can expect to enjoy the same sort of relationship with the next administration.

After coming home from five wonderful years of Gay Gook Fantasy Camp, he discovered his beautiful wife had been fux0red in an accident, leaving her paralyzed, cancer-ridden, and fugly. He immediately proceeded to openly cheat on her before dumping her for a the hot daughter of a guy who made his fortune through organized crime. He launched his political career mainly by mooching off Cindy's dad, though he would still blow a guy in an alley every now and then for old times' sake.

During the 80s, he and a bunch of other guys accepted kickbacks to deregulate the banking industry, leading to the Savings & Loan scandal that lost over 9000 old peoples' life savings. Of the Keating 5, McCain was the only one who avoided jail time, mainly by ratting out all the others. Ever since, he's portrayed himself as a changed man fighting political corruption. In reality, he's just a normal Republican with the appearance of credibility.

In 2000, Bush won the Republican primary against him by claiming McCain fathered a black kid. Lulz were had by all.

Irrespective of whether McCain actually makes it to office or not he will always be remembered for the part he played in the famous Lemon Party Photoshoot. The culture defining photos which took the world by storm were taken when he was at his prime in 1930, with only a modest 42 malignant tumors eating away at his insides. significantly As a young teen Sarah Palin used to rub off to these very photos on a daily basis as a means of escaping the sexual boredom and backwardness of rural Alaska and her father.

McCain's 2008 Election Campaign

	“	He's a Maverick.	„
	—Sarah "Broken Record" Palin

Senator McCain's Campaign has been a dis-organized mess from the beginning. McCain has had to discard any of his "Maverick" policy stances in preparation for this presidential bid, in order to appeal to the mongoloids that comprise its base. He wouldn't have even made it through the primaries if Baptists were at all capable of voting for Mormons or big city sleazebags. In an increasingly stupid attempt to further solidify his party base, McCain made the surprise announcement that he was nominating then unknown Alaska Governor, Sarah Palin to be his vice president nominee! I'd hit it!

Since picking the Eskimilf as his running mate, everything about her has caused most of America to shit brix en masse at the prospect of her anywhere near the White House. Polls indicate she was the single biggest drag on the McCain campaign, and McCain only at the end seemed to realize how badly he fucked up.

The Straight Talk Express Trainwrecks

	“	At least I don't plaster on the makeup like a trollop, you cunt.	„
	—McCain to wife Cindy

This section is all true. Srsly. His high school nickname was Mr. McNasty for his hothead temper. In front of his campaign staff he scolded his wife for gently ribbing him about his hair loss and robot heritage with, "At least I don't plaster on the makeup like a trollop, you cunt."

On his experiences in the 'Nam he said, "I hate the gooks." About the gooks, he said to a staff college intern, "At least they didn't ask me what I think about the niggers." To Senator Pete Domenici, "I wouldn't call you an asshole unless you really were an asshole."

On the totally not not, not not not not not not biased Huffington Post, Jewmors are floating that McCain shoved an old lady with an O2 tank and a wheel chair into a wall back in the dizay. Turns out she was wondering where her MIA husband was and she was hoping McCain could take a look-see. She asked him how the search for the real soldier was and he walked away. She pumped her arms and sped after him, wheels a turnin' and then grabbed him. At first he raised his arm to slap this ho but like the maverick he is, he reached across the aisle and shoved her into the wall for massive damage.

When questioned about the incident, his staffers at the time said "He did it for the lulz"

The McCain '08 promise

Johnny boy really gives us a run for our money in this ad:

International Relations and Foreign Policy

McCain related the plan for his presidency to the Queen in 2007.

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John McCain=Good People?

At a rally, McCain actually defended Obama from attacks.

	“	He's not an Arab. He's a decent family man and citizen. He's not.	„
	— McCain makes being a nice guy and having it blow up in your face look easy

John McBain

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McCain's Supporters

typical McCain fan, ignorant, backs down when has his back to the wall

Having alienated so much of his own party, one wonders who supports this guy. The GOP base consists of the Nation's Patriotic, Conservative, White, Pro-life, Christian, Patriotic, Under-educated, Scared, Hateful, 'Mercans. Strangely, McCain does manage to pull some support from confused Mexicans, the gooks he hates, and the random blacky now and again, like this guy:

	“	World wants Obama as president... So what! I want Brett Favre back. I also want 20 million dollars. I also want the left to go away... forever! Who gives a hot damn what the world wants!	„
	— Delightful quote from James T. Harris' website

Trivia

McCain vs Obama. This is how elections are REALLY done and this is how McCaine lost.

Ever go to public libraries and notice how they heavily censor they internet? It's entirely due to a bill that John McCain made called Children's Internet Protection Act.
Only sort of eligible to run for President 'cos he was born in Panama, but at a naval air station, which makes it sort of alright.
Became an American Citizen on June 26, 1982, under naturalization certificate #19756078.
His lovers have included Ann Coulter, Larry King, Webster, Joe Lieberman, Janet Reno and John Ashcroft.
Endorsed by the moderate, reasonable Lemon Party.
Appeared naked on the cover of Life magazine (November 24, 1991).
Prides himself on the fact that he had slept with four members of the Bush clan - George H. W., Barbara, W, and Jeb.
Voted the 10th Most Inept Congressman of 2006 by Time Magazine.
Successfully trolled Ron Paul during the Republican debates by personally ordering the troops in Iraq to stay and fight for at least 100 years (and, if necessary, for over 911 times a thousand deaths).
Thinks Vietnam was lost due to "public opinion" and not the thousands of dead soldiers or fear of a larger war with China or Russia. Kill the pollsters!
Wants to increase every aspect of the "war on drugs" because we needs a "drug-free America".
Will probably make us miss Bush as the "good old days" if he wins the election but so will the other guy.
He's as senile as Reagan. This results in some rather lulzy "senior moments" whenever he steps in front of a camera.
Owns several houses, but doesn't recall where any of them are. Protip: Some are in Arizona.
Hates freedom.
Loves AND haets torture.
Voted against instating Martin Luther King Day. At least he gets something right!
Worked as a gigolo in 2000 by banging a lobbyist and getting her to pay him for it.
His wife is a rich and beautiful ~~MILF~~ trophy wife.
His wife's fortune (and consequently his allowance) comes from distributing Budweiser.
He goes ape shit over donuts with sprinkles.
Has recently run into relationship troubles with his lover John Hagee. This is because McCain can only achieve erection by nuking Iran to glass and starting the Rapture.
Is not gay.
Thinks the health of women when it comes to abortion is a joke, like ectopic pregnancy.
Eats babies, but only of the negro variety

Cybertronic Warfare

Famously computer savvy, Senator McCain is one of the leading lights in the war against notorious cyber-terrorists such as Wikileaks and the Anonymous collective. On July 14th, 2011, McCain called for bipartisan action on the creation of a Committee on Cyber Security and Electronic Intelligence Leaks and offered some off-the-cuff insights into the perils besetting the Free World.

“	Now hold on there son, I know who you are! You're a gook! Don't you try to pull this 'My name is Legion' Mickey Mouse shit on me, mister. I can read between the lines in your communiques, and what it says between the lines is, MAO! MAO! DIDI MAO! You mighta heard that in The Deer Hunter, but I LIVED that, son. You hear me? I fuckin' lived it! If you'd been there in that tiger cage with the plague rats, man, like I have, and had to hold a goddam pistol up to your head every goddam day while Ngyen bets ten dong on which POW will blow his brains out next, then I gotta tell ya something man, you start to learn who's a 'hacktivist' and who's a gook. I'll getcha, you sneaky little commie bastard. I'll find you. I'll hunt you down, and I will kill you, and your family, and your water buffalo, and everyone who has ever come into contact with you. I'll... Oh shit... Xin loi. Ahem. I sincerely apologize. Please, forgive an old soldier's rash words. It's my terrible wartime experiences that made me say that. I deeply and unreservedly apologize to anyone offended by these intemperate remarks. But heck, I'm such a maverick straight-shooter, isn't it good to hear me talk this way? I'm so unlike all other politicos. Not just because I'm a straight-shooter, but because I am a shooter. Yep, I shoot gooks! Whoops, did I just say that? War, son, it's... it's hell. Jacob's Ladder. So anyway, if you all could just stop virtual-fingerbangin' Mary Jane Rottencrotch via webcam you could help me keep this information superhighway safe. And if you don't, I respect your decision. Your decision to die! Die, motherfucker! Die!!! MAO! MAO! DIDI MAO!	„
—Senator John McCain, shooting from the hip

Summary of how he failed the election

Now this is a story, all about how
my campaign got flip-turned upside-down.
Now I'd like to stay for 4 years, but 'bama got bigger
I'll tell you how I lost the election to a nigger.

In western Arizona, born and raised,
In the Senate, is where i spent most of my days
Chillin out, votin, proposin' all cool
and all runnin for the prez after strokin my tool

When this liberal nigger, he was up to no good,
Started makin' trouble in my neighborhood.
I got in one little race, my party got scared, and said:
"You better win it this time or we'll all shit in your hair."

I whistled for my Palin, and when she came near,
her hair was in a bun, she had rings in her ears.
If anything, I could say that this bitch was dumb,
but I thought, 'man forget it, Sarah, lets run'!

I-went-up to the podium, thinking I had won,
and I said to mah supporters, 'yo holmes, thanks, its been fun'
but it turns out I lost, I just said, "go figure"
but I was still super pissed, that I lost to a nigger.

Post Election

John McCain vs Vladimir Putin

Apparently, McCain is getting even more old-age demented than we expected because he threatened Vladimir Putin with the same type of pwnage as Gaddafi. The following video shows why McCain's threat is completely moot. Apparently, shit talking to Russia's president isn't one of the best ideas even though Russia is weaker than its glory Soviet days.