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Internet Politics
Honorary Ed Lolington
Internet Politics
is part of a series on
Internet Law.
[With Liberty and Drama for All]
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We are all qualified attorneys at lol and every word of these articles is sound legal advice.
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Internet Politics are the primary source of drama on the Internets.
How do Internet Politics work?
Internet Politics is a system of argument that makes no sense whatsoever and is entirely gay. Basically, Internet Politics is performed by a bunch of fat basement-dwelling assholes who think their opinion matters. There are two main groups, the Internet Conservatives and Internet Liberals, who both want to see the other dead.
Internet Conservatives
Internet Conservatives are typically internet tough guys. Your average internet conservative will tell you up front that he was in every war for the past 20 years in the Army, Marines, and Navy simultaneously (please note they never claim to be in the Air Force because they realize that doesn't impress anyone). They tend to support the Iraq War, George W. Bush, and traditional moral values. They are also antigay, which, according to Liberals, makes them gay. Internet Conservatives are rare because most of them tend to be too busy fapping to Fox News to argue on the internet all day. Many will content themselves to just hanging out at Conservapedia and soliciting gay sex. The ones that do actively argue, though, tend to be senile 60-something wackos who place their shotguns next to their keyboards while arguing. They suffer from nearly-toxic levels of unwarranted self-importance.
Internet Conservatives are destined to claim victory in every argument they ever participate in, due to their sheer inability to comprehend defeat, no matter what actually happened. Conservatives like to imagine themselves as lone wolves, deftly fending off a pack of evil liberals with whatever facts they pulled off the Hal Turner show last Thursday. They get sexual pleasure from asking why you hate America.
How to Argue Against an Internet Conservative
Arguing against internet conservatives requires skill and practice as most are dumber than a block of cement and don't know how to lose. Luckily most are incapable of accessing the internet as they either live somewhere where there is no internet or believe that the internet is the devil.
When encountering one, nothing will send them into a keyboard smashing rage faster than insinuating that America is not the greatest country on earth. Vivid descriptions of kinky gay sex with niggers followed by impulse abortions and burning churches will create a storm of lulzy internet rage rarely seen in this day and age.
Famous Internet Conservatives
- VioletKitty411
- Brainlesswonder
- Andrew Schlafly
- MONGO
- Hipocrite
- youngconservative
- Hal Turner
- Goatman
- 101ChairBorne
- Will Ryan of Animerica
- No_Bullshit
- Sargon of Akkad
Internet Liberals
Internet Liberals are always sexually confused transvestites, wiccan, and ugly fat women who can't get laid.
Liberals can be spotted by dicking up a forum in which they know nobody will agree with them, and screeching like hyenas and begging the mod to ban anyone who is even slightly moderate at their own forums. The criteria to be a liberal requires you think abortion is a holy sacrament, all wars are bad except the civil war cause that one saved niggers, animals have rights, and women are sexually repressed by male domination..
In an argument, the Internet Liberal will make a vague statement of their personal philosophy which will generally involve being personally conservative on an issue such as gay marriage or abortion, but politically letting people make their own choices. When you make a rational accusation that someone can't be for and against something at the same time, they go into full-onBAWW mode. They will invariably call you a Nazi pig and tell you that people like you are the reason they're glad they're moving to Canada. If pushed a little further they will talk about how badly you hurt their feelings and how they're never evar coming back. If given a couple days they'll come back demanding an apology.
Fun fact: At least 100% of Internet Liberals believe doing absolutely nothing is the answer to every problem.
How to Argue Against Internet Liberals
As an internet conservative, your job is not so much to win arguments as to seriously piss off the liberal. Since arguing on the internet is inherently pointless and will inevitably descend into bans and deleted posts anyway, your main goal should be to seek the ultimate amount of lulz per minute. This is remarkably easy to do as most internet liberals are born with massive amounts of butthurt lying below the surface, just waiting to be exploited to their full potential.
The important thing to understand here and use to your advantage is the fact that internet liberals care, way to much, about human rights. They are easily offended and consider even joking about one of the many atrocities they see in the world around them to be a crime against humanity.
You should open with a mention of how low the gas mileage is on your American-made polished-turd wagon, and that you run the AC on maximum at all times. Tell them that you beat up endangered species for fun and that you're sick of seeing your tax money going to educate nigras when it should be going to blow up Iraqis (never talk about helping Iraqis because that decreases the shock value). Finish by going into detail on how many guns you own and your intention to buy more. Respond to every statement they make, whether about foreign policy or the environment, with why do you hate America?.
Since every other member of whatever message board or IM session you're on is most likely a Liberal, the people you are arguing against will most likely successfully salt the Earth, making sure you can never show your face there again. Good work, as a successful conservatroll will have already found another lol-cow to exploit.
Famous Internet Liberals
- Morocco Mole
- Izzi (Sileas)
- Carlos Latuff
- Brainlesswonder
- Adf-fuensalida -When liberalism and chris-chan combine.