Veteran

A veteran is someone who believes they are accomplishing something of significance by dedicating a considerable part of their life to posting on the same message board. This title is usually self-appointed.

This takes me back to YTMND, '04.

What

This man has spent so long on the computer, Veterans' Syndrome has taken over his spine.

This oldfag will guide newfags through the many trials and tribulations of the Interwebs, into places from which few return.

Generally, veterans are men in their twenties who spend a few hours daily talking to 14 year old boys on the internet. They explain themselves by saying they were that age when they started posting, but THAT'S NO FUCKING EXCUSE.

The name "veteran" comes from the military term, insinuating veterans have something in common with actual soldiers who have gone off to war, killed people, formed relationships with real life people, and gotten laid. They feel that experiencing years of flamewars has left them jaded and emotionally stale, like some shell-shocked POW. No, they're just social rejects. And COD doesn't count, pussies.

Veterans' Syndrome

The cure for Veterans' Syndrome.

How to become a veteran.

It is for the prior mentioned reasons that veterans perpetually moan about how everyone talks about lame childish things, whereas back in the day all the conversation amongst little kids was hilarious and enlightening. Whenever a veteran starts moaning, the only correct response is to tell them to leave, since they're clinging on to something they've long ago grown out of.

It is a fundamental law of the internet that most noobs will never achieve the glory of being a veteran, and they should be pleased about it. Many strive to one day become one, but most will realize that they've been wasting time and energy that would be better put to use writing love poems to girls or going outside. For striving to become a veteran is the worst addiction a person could ever get; more hours than the average crackhead spends stealing stereos and smoking baking soda wasted on something nowhere near as entertaining.

But once a person has spent enough hours every day for enough years to claim the title of 'veteran', they will wield it like an iron glove, deciding that they must be the shit because the internet thinks they're cool. If only they invested as heavily in real life interests.

For the veteran, the internet truly is serious business. They will rarely have girlfriends. When they do, they will see a real sexual relationship as a purpose to brag to their e-peers and at least feel a feeling above worthlessness. Veterans thrive by posting on a forum that thinks they're awesome because they've posted on it before.

Some argue that Veterans' Syndrome is even more debilitating than its close cousin, Gulf War Syndrome. This is due to its ability to turn intelligent, popular, precocious young teenagers into obese, ugly, agoraphobic perverts.

Secret Missions

This advanced case of Veterans' Syndrome has invaded the subject's testes.

Since most veterans don't actually like the board they're posting on, it can only be assumed that many of them have ulterior motives.

Some veterans may suffer from some element of OCD, especially if they also compulsively visit websites like Nationstates and Forumwarz, which similarly trap their members in an endless feedback loop of disappointment. If someone revisits these repetitive websites for longer than a couple of weeks, they obviously get some cheap thrill from participating in dull activities for hours at a time. The internet thrives on this kind of person.

Other veterans may harbor some secret desire to attain modship. No-one particularly knows why anyone would want to be a mod; perhaps to heighten their ego, already bruised by girls and employers, or perhaps so they can fall deeper into their fantasy life where they are the Noob-pwner and everyone else quakes at their sight.

As was previously mentioned, there is a high probability of the average veteran being a child molester, with the joyful gaiety of teenage internet forums reminding them of showering after sports in high school.

Most veterans are a combination of all of the above.

Glorious Speeches

This section needs moar internets drama. You can help by adding moar internets drama.

	“	HAHAHA, HA. Except with the Emily girl and all, that I left Lauren for about 4 months back, and have had a LOT of sexual relations with since then. Trust me I'm quite the happy camper....Wow how stupid are you people. Just because I'm a regular you THINK the topics are spammish. Actually just because I understand what I'm doing and keeping it from being spam, that's what keeps them alive :\. There are no SPECIAL PRIVILEGES, I'm still banned just like everyone else is, I just try to push to see what i can do for fun and just try to make FUN topics, there are so few of them these days.....I mean most of the BBS has gone to hell. Without those with wit like us, Earfetish, legionnaire-x etc..................(SOMETHING TO THAT EXTENT) and a few funny mods, then there would be no reason to stay.	„
	—Newgrounder Bonustage whining about how he's more awesome than everyone, and gets laid more, 4 years before he finally leaves

	“	Man you guys are so loser!!! The reason i never come on is because i ball so hard now lol i got a job that's like $80 a week and me and my GF bang like eer day. Also, i go to school, COLLEGE BITCHES and damn i gonna be rich on the reals and make you my corporate slaves loL!!!!!! you guys terribad imo.	„
	— Bonustage displaying Veterans' Syndrome quite badly.

	“	Blah blah blah newfags blah blah blah...	„
	—Every fucking self-proclaimed oldfag on /b/ nowadays, seriously, quit bitching.

	“	I see no affiliation between you and my club, as a matter of fact, you are not a possible candidate, ever. This should please the uptight members because I will flame you and I don't want the "he could have been a beautiful member" rants on my ass again.... your posts made taught me a valuable lesson about organ harvesting. It showed me that people like you should be deprived their right of existence. The air you breathe infects people with stupidity. The special school you go to, used to be a normal one, until you showed up.... If you have any grace towards mankind, you will march right over to the nearest hospital, jab your eye with a plastic fork, and ask surgeons to remove the organs and put them to better use, the brain (or remains of one such) are obviously toxic medical waste and will be disposed of accordingly.... You fail on Newgrounds, you fail in life, and I'm 99% positive that the closest girlfriend you have is just a sock you masturbate into. The fail stamp you deserve imprinted on you is so big, that if given a thousand men, a thousand years to build it, it still won't be enough.... Any more heat based on my flames, and I'll dip into my savings to fly to whichever basement you reside in, pass your over protecting parents, and beat the shit out of you	„
	—Phantom knows he's accomplished something with his life.

	“	Don't whine because BonusStage has an IRL relationship.	„
	—Moar Bonusstage

	“	(In response to: ok if u don't like it here then leave and quit complaining about it) - Yes, you're definitely qualified to render judgment on that subject, considering you've spent all of 14 mostly one-liner posts on this BBS, within which you have contributed very nearly nothing more than poor grammatical habits, short exclamations of loyalty and subsequent abandonment of clubs, run-of-the-mill procedural questions about Newgrounds operational habits, and a few dim-witted comments on scattered news items. You have not seen even a smattering of the true nature of existence here on the forums, and for you to even attempt to lambaste someone for expressing distaste for that existence under the transparent façade of a user who has also done so is so totally ridiculous and dishonest as to be laughable -- were it not dealing with such a serious subject matter.	„
	—Newgrounder Bolo (also accomplished ED editor Juggity) has a particularly severe episode

	“	I'm sorry that you're the future of NG.	„
	—Bonusstage again, being nostalgic to times when HE was the future

	“	I joined whatever year will make me appear cool and knowledgeable and involved with you guys but the Admins deleted my account or something	„
	—Someone whose life is in such a bad way that they're lying to get the respect of some perverts on a message board.

	“	Don't question me. I'm an oldfag, I've been going on /b/ for 7 years. You were still in diapers while I was protesting Scientology in my Guy Fawkes mask. Corkscrew, really? Why don't you come say that to my face and see what happens.	„
	—Random newfag tries to prove his oldfagottry

Previous Quote | Next Quote

How to Salute

Get to work, noobs, or you'll never be e-popular!

There are two ways veterans are regularly treated. The first is overt praise, where other users will suck up to them, hoping that they can become internet pals and the veteran can be called upon in arguments like some giant lumbering monster. A well-known veteran will be treated in exactly the same obnoxious way as moderators are - brown-nosed to the point of constipation.

The other way to treat a veteran is like the pathetic user they are, flaming them at every move and trying to step on their toes. Because for a veteran to quote one of your posts would be bliss, such flaming betrays a desperate wish for them to notice you. So you're just as much of an attention whore as the veterans and those kissing their ass.

Tldr; fuck you.

How to Troll

Internet veterans

• Ask them how the job hunt is going.
• Ask them how the sex life is going.
• Ask them how the real life is going.
• Ask them how their second life is going.
• Tell them to leave if they don't like the place.
• Tell them they're a faggot for liking the place so much.
• Ask them whether they know All Your Base.
• Show them any element of disrespect and take them by surprise.
• Put them down in a witty manner with a noob account.
• Google their alias followed by the word "fetish" and blackmail them on Facebook.
• Gravedig their old threads (if the forum allows it) or bring up the first threads they posted when they were n00bs.

Oldfags

Moar info: The Cancer That Is Killing /b/.

Rich Uncle Pennypags considers moving his hotels.

Uncle Scrooge McDuck's sauce.

Oldfag is an extension of 4chan's reassuringly frank linguistic convention of using the word 'fag' in portmanteaux when describing 4channers and other internet users.

They are the cells most resilient to chemotherapy, the bunch of cancerous old age pensioners that they are; sitting on their front porch with their laptops, complaining to the internet about the "good old days", and threatening to leave /b/ forever. The rest of us can only pray for the day when they actually do it.

See Also

• Baby Boomers
• Old
• Old Meme
• Serious Business
• Forum
• Oldchan
• E-Penis
• Colony Drop
• UkrDramatica's article on this

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