Benny the Snake

Punchable Baby Faced Benny.

Benny The Snake, also know as Benny Ortiz (a combination of his name and his mother's maiden name), is a adult baby fetishist and waste of space from Chino, California. Born on September 9th, 1990 to illegal immigrant parents as an anchorbaby, this fat fuck went to school at Cal Poly Pomona and was forcefully graduated without his knowledge and supposedly holds a Bachelor's in English Literature, however if you read anything he's ever written you will quickly doubt the legitimacy of that claim. Benny has worked few jobs in his life, and has never held any of them for longer than a few months. He is a self proclaimed compulsive liar, but also claims to be an honest guy.

It’s very possible that Benny’s mere existence is so that his parents could obtain citizenship in the country. He posts about his hatred of the term “anchorbaby” and elaborates a little on it.

Mom freaks out over TV show-now wants us to throw out our stuff

On Jan 31, 2013 Benny made a post to E/N on SomethingAwful claiming that his devout Christian parents were being abusive to both himself and his younger brother, both unemployed. His claim was that his parents did not allow any media in the home that "could be considered against the Bible", including watching R rated movies et all. One night they were watching Chicago Fire and his mother saw it and got really pissed off because of the faggot storyline and proceeds to "assault" his brother while trying to take away his cellphone. Further elaboration in the post shows that Benny and his brother are both unemployed and living at home, while his mother is working as a teaching assistant and also taking classes and they are basically living off of her income. admits at one point that he is directly responsible for calling the police on his mother when he was younger and causing her to lose her job as a Kindergarten teacher.

	“	Now here's the thing. My mom has threatened and demanded us to throw out anything we hold on to that is sinful in nature before. The last time was a giant freak out when she saw me watching porn on my computer. She went as far as to threaten to throw my computer out, stop paying for internet, throw the TV out, etc. I counter with telling her that I'll press charges of theft and property destruction.	„

Later in the thread, Benny reveals that he collects "mature rated" comics that he has to hide from his mother. The most amazing revelations, however, have been about his employment record.

Benny, Jack of Many Trades

In the course of the internet knowing about Benny, he's been trying to find work through many different avenues. He's quite proud of his typing certification (66 words per minute with a 98% accuracy rate!) But if there's one thing Benny is good at, it's getting fired. Here are a few choice tidbits.

	“	"I had to call my boss today since he hasn't called me. He told me this: "Because you don't have much kitchen experience, we're trying to figure out where to fit you in." ..... I think I got along fairly well with everybody else. To be fair, I accidentally smacked the owner's wife in the head with a tray, but I don't think that would've been the final straw. And as for cooking, well I did mostly prep work. I prepared a few tacos, I prepared salad, I even grilled zucchini. The head cook told me to use a towel to press it on the grill, but I used a spatula and tongs instead. ... I asked if I could use a spatula and tongs for the zucchini instead and the head chef said go ahead. Besides, it was a towel he was using. That's not very safe or sanitary-one wrong move and a fire could start. EDIT: In hindsight, yeah that's probably why I wasn't put as a cook."	„

	“	"So good news. I got the job at Target. I'm going to be a cart attendant which means I'm going to be pushing carts ... I mucked shit up a few times (carrying too many carts, not working to pace, etc.), but after a while I've developed a rhythm and, most importantly, I've learned to ask for help. .... Also I made a huge dick move: I tried to weasel out of agreeing to cover for a co-worker and now I've burned that bridge with him. I make no excuses: I told my co-worker I'd cover for his shift then I turned around and tried to pin it on someone else hoping that the managers wouldn't figure out my shenanigans and they eventually did. I'm not saying that me and him are on bad terms; I have no idea. I'm just saying I wouldn't be receptive towards covering for a co-worker if I was in his position. ... Alright. Here's what happened with the co-worker. A month ago he texts me and says he needs me to cover his closing shift, saying that he can't skip any more classes. I say yes and never told a manager. The next morning, I get a call from HR saying they needed someone to cover as a cashier. Working inside is significantly better than outside so I said yes, figuring that since I never told a manager, I'd be able to weasel out of agreeing to cover parking lot. I tell my coworker about how I'm working inside, he calls the manager, and then I'm working parking lot that night. It was stupid and immature what I did and I haven't pulled any more stunts like that since. ... So after discussing this with a friend I've made my decision. I'm calling the employer tomorrow and scheduling an interview for Monday. I'll just call in with a massive hangover to cover my tracks at work. ... I was let go from Target on the 12th of this month. When I talked to my manager, he gave me the reason that I hit the bumper of a car. Well, I knew there had to be some reason beyond that. And after talking with a friend, I figured out why; I hit the bumper of a car, but I never followed through and reported it. I didn't want to say anything with my managers because I was paranoid that they'd cut me loose. I had this mindset of if anybody could do this job, then if I showed any sort of vulnerability or asked for help, I'd be cut right then and there. That and I wasn't part of a team; I was in active competition with everyone else. If I slipped up and they found out, they'd fire me and find someone else. So most times I felt overwhelmed or had an incident on my hands, I wouldn't say anything. But by not say anything, I made myself a bigger liability. ... A customer complained and they have cameras out there in the lot. When a manager asked me about it, I played dumb and told her "I don't remember".	„

But Benny doesn't only have experience working menial, shitty minimum wage jobs! He's also volunteered at a few places! For the 2013 election year he was with the Larry Walker for California State Senate campaign, and even then he failed miserably, calling in to work because he was too traumatized because his mommy yelled at him too much.

	“	"You know, I was on my way to put in time at my internship. Then I realized that the route I usually take over to the office changes on weekends. So I'm standing there at the stop. Wondering how am I going to explain to Jon, the field manager of the campaign, why I was late. Then I started thinking if I can even put on a straight face and put in time. And then it dawned on me. It finally broke to me. I just saw my mom, the person who gave birth to me, assualt my brother, my own flesh and blood. I realized that I'm traumatized. I called Jon and told him that I'm in no shape to put in time today. I told him it was family issues and he said he understood. He'd call tomorrow and we'd discuss my hours next week. "	„

Benny doesn't even have proof that he worked as an intern, though!

	“	Funny story about my campaign letter: I don't have it. The campaign manager, Jon, told me that he sent an email way back in April saying that my candidate was gonna hold a picnic to celebrate and hand out the letters...which I missed completely . I've been trying to get a hold of Jon for weeks now and he won't pick up. Email, texts, phone calls, it doesn't matter. So all I have to go on my campaign volunteering is a contact. I need that fucking letter. I've tried to contact my candidate directly but there's a lot of run around since he works in a county office. It's why that's not on my resume.	„

OK Cupid

Oh baby

Benny is a lonely guy, what with living at home with his parents at the age of 23. He openly admits that he's never so much as kissed a girl, and is constantly scheming to get laid - in fact, he spends more time trying to get fucked than he does trying to get employment. Desperate to get laid, Benny has even gone so far as to find some hambeast 20 years his senior who was willing to take his virginity. That fell through because he thought she should pay for half of his cab fare, and she wasn't interested enough in boning a virgin goon to go dutch on his transportation.

Little do most women know, Benny has a deeper, darker fetish inside than it seems at first. Benny, you see, is an Adult Baby Fetishist.

Contact & Links

Benny's "clean" OK Cupid page.

Benny just loves to chat while he's hanging out in Starbucks buying expensive lattes.

• AIM: detatchablejaws “yeah I know there's only one t in detachable”
• AIM: sabennythesnake

“detatchablejaws writing a four-year retropsective of the dark knight: might become my magnum opus June 26 at 4:34PM via AIM for Windows”

• Benny the Snake thread on SomethingSensitive
• Mom freaks out over TV show-now wants us to throw out our stuff on SomethingAwful.com
• The Reptile Reviewer Benny's Movie Review Blog

Benny the Snake is part of a series on Aspies.

[Back to your happy placeSperg out]

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