David Hockey

Update: You can own something this man did things to. Click here for details!Got sold

Dave's buddy Doodman should double-date with Ray Jones.

David Hockey (alias knightshot, midiman, Dave Crandall, Mr. Football-with-shinty-sticks) is a batshit insane sick fuck attention whore neckbeard from Canadia who, like his virtual ward Kevin Havens, likes to fuck dolls. Not just any dolls, either. He likes them made of plush and furry. Along with his buddy Doodman, he's a mousefucker much like Ray Jones. He'll settle for the silicone variety as well. He gained minor e-fame by White Knighting casperghostboy as the Something Awful Goons tore into that particular Aspie fucktard. Click here for that very thread. More recently, he's even earned a second SA thread. Click here for Round 2!. And even moar recently he's become a bit of a fixuture in the third dollfucker thread. Click here for Round 3!

Hockey claims he was researching fellow dollfuckers for a documentary he's making. He came across a SA thread about Kevin and immediately got butthurt and retaliated with an angry letter. He raged at Lowtax, which only encouraged the 'Tax to post the e-mails on the thread and make Hockey fair game. Hockey even offered himself up as a scapegoat to take some of the fire off Kevin. He ended up being a lolcow instead. Hockey couldn't handle it very well either. The internet detectives proceeded with dissecting his pathetic life simultaneously with Kevin's.

Miscellaneous Crap

Hockey believes, as most dollfuckers do, that all dolls should be "anatomically correct". He would be thrilled if your children could play with He-Man's cock and give Barbie a good fingering. On the other hand, he believes that people should NOT be allowed to make fun of people who think molesting dolls is a good thing. Click here for moar details.

Kevin agrees with him...

“

I also think that dolls should be anatomically correct myself. It is also because I own a mannequin and sometimes I feel like I need to have some "activity" with it myself.

Of course, I do also think that many kids look up mannequins' dresses while in the store, and most of these mannequins do not have any underwear on, I feel that if kids are going to learn about the human body, I guess that they need to learn what it is.

I am getting tired of what some people are hiding from our own kids...

Peace out,

CasperGhostboy, Kathryn, Daphne and Andrea

„

— Kevin Havens. Fucking retard.

Dave also bitches about people maligning his copyright. Meanwhile, he's ripping off TIME magazine and Sony among others.

Canada's edition of TIME is pretty fucked-up.

He is currently selling his cars. Any guesses as to why?

All Trolled Up

All the while that Hockey was on his epic journey to procure a vagina for his beloved doll, the Goons continued to mock him. A second thread was started dedicated to him, and it promptly turned into a kind of circlejerk as all good threads do. Every time a Goon made a comment, Hockey would reply on his Doll Chronicles forum. No comment went without a response from him, thus making him look even more deranged. He just has to have the last word. The Goons would sit back and laugh at this and things would settle down, but eventually Hockey would get lonely and the voices in his head would quiet down. That's when he would seek attention by posting yet another self-righteous rant or pix of him having some kind of secks with one of his fuckmuppets. The Goons would obligingly attack him and call him on his straw man arguments and sexual deviancies. He'd go go on the defensive, the Goons would go back to other faggotry, then Hockey would get lonely again, he'd act up, restart the Internet Hate Machine, etc., etc., ad infinitum.

Eventually Goons began trolling Hockey by pretending to be fellow dollfuckers. One "befriended" Hockey, contacting him through Facebook at first, and eventually getting some lulzy comments from him about how he couldn't confess one way or the other about being a dollfucker because on one hand admitting it would be too truthful and on the other hand denying it outright would earn him the hate of the other dollfuckers.

Moar lulz were needed, so the troll even trolled themself in order to earn more of Hockey's trust. Earn it the troll did, and more madness would leak from Hockey's mouth. Hockey even stated at one point that the other dollfuckers often disgusted him and he would never willingly touch another man's fucktoy for fear of AIDS (okay, we'll give him that one...). He outted his incompetent assistants as the puppetmasters behind the midiman persona, which is only partly true. At one point Hockey described his broken marriage and his mother's illness. He also claimed that he didn't actually write the reviews on his site for the fuckdolls, but instead had some other maniac do the dirty work and describe it to him in detail. At another point he claimed the film he making was being produced by HBO, but he would later claim otherwise. He would then continue on about how he was doing the film entirely as a self-funded project and as his entry into the mainstream and that he was still trying to market it. Whatever became of the HBO deal, Dave? Srsly. His best hope is that Canadia is starting it's own porn channel (no shit, eh! Rly!) and as per Canuckistani regulations at least half of the programming will have to be homegrown. How Canada will handle his obscene lusts is anybody's guess. Not everyone there likes porn.

Eventually one of his fellow dollfuckers clued him in on the fact that he was being pumped by a troll and Hockey quickly switched gears. He tried to confront the troll and use logic to deal with them. As everybody except Dave knows, that approach always leads to fail and will inevitibly turn out to be a trap. The troll convinced Hockey to finally use his "top secret" SA account for what it was worth and confront the Goons in their own territory, as that would be the only way to pwn them, right? He made a spectacular fool of himself as goonobyl and as he reached fever pitch the troll the unleashed screencaps of the conversations with Hockey, which Hockey would consider tantamount to revealing dox. Thoroughly butthurt by this "betrayal", Hockey banned perceived trolls left and right with a fury that even blocked the better part of entire cities from accessing his site. For the sake of lulz, Hockey was allowed to stay on SA and even earned an appropriate custom title to show him just how much he's appreciated. The screenshots that caused his retreat can be found here.

Hockey then retreated to his safe silicone-lined womb in the dollfucker forums and would continue to spit hatred at the Goons from there. He would convince himself that it was HE who had made all the puppets dance, that everything that was presented by the troll was a falsehood created in Photoshop, that it was a social experiment, that his mother really loved him, and that nothing he himself had done would ever wind up reflecting badly on him, and that the world was accepting of him and his dollfucking and yet hated and rejected him at the same time.

Hockey's only eventual remaining white knight came in the form of a 16-year-old girl from LiveJournal who tried to engage the Goons in a contest of who could e-jerk the longest. She tired of it quickly and went back to trolling WOW. She can be found here.

Hockey's psyche has only continued to collapse after his mom's recent death. He has now taken over trolls' former Doll Chronicles accounts and is pretending to be those fictional characters. He's hoping to gain credibility by pointing out that Howard Stern and Ron Jeremy are dollfuckers, not understanding that they did it for the lulz and the money, essentially. Some argue that Dave is no different in those respects but Howard and Ron didn't pretend to be their dolls on the internets having cybersex with aspies, drive their dolls cross-country to have new parts installed, lurk on dollfucker forums for years, or got butthurt when people laughed at them for fucking dolls and then cried about being persecuted.

He also spends a lot of time trying to make "screenshots" in Photoshop that will absolve him of being a douchebag. His behavior indicates that he has contracted a particularly awful ETD that has also induced a case of Internet troll personality disorder on top of all the problems he already had up until recent developments. In short, he is a truly ruined dollfucking human being.

The Doll Defenders ATTACK!!!

Recently Hockey had spent most of his days fucking his new Ruby doll (who resembles a coked-up Britney Spears). After a while he tired of it and decided he had enough of his composure back to confront the Goons once more. Teaming up with Shit_Viper, a fellow bald old dollfucker, the duo unleashed massive faggotry on the SA forums and got the goonobyl account probated for a week for image leeching. Note that they were simply probated, not banned. This allowed them the chance to come back and fail once again, as we all know the third time is the charm. When they tried again, they were finally banned for their faggotry. Then Dave decided to spend a week or so fucking his new animu BoyToy doll.

It's of note that with his 3 main silicone dolls, he's assembled a group that somewhat resembles his own daughters...

Hockey was also depraved enough to engage in Santa Claus roleplaying whilst fucking his dolls.

Dave's got his groove back!
Post-production recording...
Dave digs the animu, and bestiality too.
What's in the bawwks?!
They look kinda like his daughters...
Best of both worlds.
He lives to rape childhoods.
Now he gets to rape Santa!

Skydiving Sexdolls

We are everywhere, Dave

She's gone downhill since Lars and the Real Girl...

Dave settled down for awhile after he and Shit_Viper were exiled from SA. Eventually he got back to working on his documentary. The big scene is supposed to be where Dave pays a shit-ton of money to some skydivers to take his fuckdoll Bianca for a skydive. Dave filmed such a scene not once but twice, once stateside and another time in Nova Scotia. Little did Dave realize the Canadian skydivers were Goons who made note of Dave's rants to nobody in particular about "that hate group Something Awful". They managed to get pictures taken with Davey's famous moviestar girlfriend and Dave eventually turned the footage from the skydives into the trailer for his film All Dolled Up...

Is he famous nao?

We know what you were doing, Dave.

Dave has gone on to be profiled on TV in this interview. In it you can see where he gets caught with his fapping material on-screen.

He was also interviewed at the Adult Entertainment Expo, and topped things off by fucking one of his TeddyBabes in front of a captive audience.

Dave is also likely to appear on the Maury show, but not to be told he's not the father. One of his dollfucking friends, keithallen, is going to appear on it and Dave wants to film the aftermath. It started with this thread in TDF, NBC-TV IS LOOKING TO INTERVIEW A REAL DOLL OWNER!, and continues in I'm doing it and Input needed. Pit Viper almost went on, but his Marylin doll blew up.

Most recently, Hockey blew a big fat wad of his IRL wife's cash to purchase both the CoverDoll Magazine website and The Doll Forum. In response to his actions, a great many dollfuckers have defected and started their own forums so they don't have to tolerate his megalomaniacal tyranny.