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John Bulla
John Steven Bulla is a 59 year old retard diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic who believes he is the only ordained minister of God. He claims to have the "holy priesthood", which allows him to cure major diseases such as AIDS and cancer, wake beautiful women from the dead, and kill demons. John is also registered sex offender. However, all of the "beautiful women", "nasty demons", and people inquiring about his church are complete frauds; people toying with his schizophrenia, and for some reason he believes everything people say.
We officially found out that we lost our minister on 3/12/2014, however his actual day of departure happened around 6-7pm EST time on 3/11/2014. His last moments were luckily recorded (and could be considered the moment where we realized how nutty Bulla actually is). John was put away in a funny farm moments after fucking his shit (that had been sitting in a tuba-wear container for about 7 hours), applying a face full of make-up (in which he purchased from the dollar tree), and covering himself in a box of maxi-pads. The police had started a case about John because someone (guy waggoner) had changed the address on John's playboy magazine to another pedophile in the park. John was the only pedophile who was not on probation and was allowed pornographic material. Alongside this, John had pissed off his roommates to the extent that they all moved out and this aggravated the head of the trailer park, causing him to look for probable cause to evict him. It is hypothesized that John had been committed to the funny farm VIA a family member.
He is missed.
Memorable Events
1/15/2014, 3am: John gathered his laptop, toothbrush, coffee machine (he enjoys coffee in the morning and wasn't sure whether or not she had a machine), and a bunch of other important objects in a box and headed out onto the highway in hopes of meeting and fucking a new very beautiful adult white girlfriend. The woman gave him a faulty address and claimed that she would be asleep, so he should bang extra hard on the door- and if she doesn't answer, he should bang on the window. Mid-way through the car ride John spilt coffee on himself; burning his penis and causing a stain on his pants. At first he had second thoughts, but he decided to head anyway, as he was encouraged by a group of Clones who had contacted him VIA cell phone. Once John arrived he had second thoughts and decided to turn back home, with the the hopes of returning at around 10 the next morning.
2/xx/2014 - Bulla began speaking to Jesus and his wife Stefani about his plans to go out to the bars and pick up women using his "beautiful women" cards. After speaking of his plans with Jesus, Jesus convinced Bulla that he needed to make an alter in downtown St. Petersburg Florida covered in olive oil. The location was very specific, One Fourth Street N., downtown St Petersburg, a street corner designated by city, with a webcam to give people remote access to view the activities in front of the Municipal Building. After frequenting several bars, Bulla recieved a call from Jesus that it was time to create the olive oil alter. While on the phone with Jesus, Bulla moved to the location previously specified, and began to create an alter by garnishing a concrete street pillar with olive oil. After doing this, Bulla began to partake in the Sacrament and raise his hands in the air to pray. At the same time he was approached by a man trying to sell him an electric razor. Much of this event, was captured via filming from "Heaven"
2/xx/2014 - A new holy figure entered John's life after he prayed fervently for the protection of his wife Stefani from clones and demons because of her repeated "deaths". This new holy figure was none other than Moses. Moses was sent a special space pod from Heaven to assist John with his church, but was mainly tasked with protecting his wife Stefani from the demons and clones. As Moses was closing in on Earth his space pod was intercepted near the demon moon base run by the infamous Moon Man demon. The Moon Man demon, who was in charge of the demon banana phone networks and hacking operations was one of the biggest threats to John and his wife Stefani. In fact the previous month, he had overseen the death of Stefani, which consisted of her being stabbed 72 times with a knife. However, the demons on the moonbase were in for a surprise, as they were quickly overpowered by Moses who wielded the "Holy Sword" infused with the power of God to extinguish demon souls and kill them permanently. After a brief fight, Moses overran the base and came upon the Moon Man demon himself who sat upon a throne made of bananas and turnips. As he was fighting the Moon Man demon, Moses stole the demon's voice, as he would later use it in his plan to trick and kill other demons while on Earth. The Moon Man demon was no match for Moses and after cutting the demon up limb by limb, Moses took the demon's body & aura and threw it into a shredder. Moses then set explosives on the moon base and destroyed the demon communications hub. The hub's destruction effectively destroyed the banana phone network for the demons thus leaving them scattered and disorganized. As of now, the remaining bananas serve no other purpose than to annoy people by appearing and talking, usually when they are not around. This has been occurring several times while John talks to his wife and she leaves to take a shit. Moses got back in his space pod, and arrived on Earth off-course landing in Oklahoma, he would later take out a bank loan to buy a truck and travel to Texas to find and protect John's wife Stefani from the demons. As of now, Moses has been living in Stefani's house sleeping on the living room floor, and killing any demons that have been attacking her. As per his plan, he uses the Moon Man demon's voice to lure demons to Stefani's house and kills them with the Holy Sword.
2/xx/2014 - Several events took place. One such event was the discovery that the Archangel Gabriel turned out to be a fake clone. Additionally several of John's wives and girlfriends turned out to be fake or demons. One good event took place which was the introduction of the Apostle Paul who joined the ranks of Moses and Jesus to assist John in his ministry on Earth. Although Jesus currently commands the siege of the demon clone facilities on Jupiter from his Starship Enterprise, he still finds time to talk to John over the phone and give him guidance. One thing Jesus asked John to do was buy a cowboy hat that would give him protection over "Niggers". This hat was the first addition to John's "Holy Wardrobe". Additionally, John began to change his belief structure about his religion on several things after learning more from Jesus and Moses. One thing in particular he learned from Jesus was that drinking alcohol was not a sin. This would have ramifications later in the future.
2/xx/2014 - Things have been going well for John. Following the discovery that many of the women who were his girlfriends and wives were actually fake or demons, John began to realize that he and Stefani were meant to be together. After talking with Moses about how men can only have one wife in Heaven, John chose Stefani to be his ordained wife and asked to baptize her so she could officially join his church. Directed by the apostle Paul, John conducted the baptism over the phone while Stefani was in her "bathtub." Another addition was made to John's "Holy Wardrobe" with the purchase of two small fanny packs that he would put his cards and driver's license in.
2/27/2014 - Moses and John's wife Stefani convinced John that he should buy some beers and drink with them for their own version of "Holy Thirsty Thursday". John had little money left on his bank as it was the end of the month and he was out of food stamps. After calling Wal-Mart John went to buy two 4 packs of beer. Not known at the time but would be realized later John actually bought a 4 pack of beer (Natural Light) and another 4 pack of malt liquor (Steel Reserve), not knowing the difference between the two. That Thursday night when Moses got back from fighting the demons, John, Moses, Stefani, and the Apostle Paul were all drinking and having a good time. John drank 3 of his beers in about a 2 hour time frame and became relatively tipsy. In fact he became very emotional and cried over the fact that his wife Stefani had been killed by demons in the past, and later over the fact that his wife Stefani was sitting on the floor. The night ended well, with everyone having a good time.
3/1/2014 - John received a phone call from God the Father himself and the Virgin Mary who was Jesus mother. This was a very rare even because God often does not contact anyone as He is very busy, but John was an exception because he was doing so well with his ministry. John began talking with the Virgin Mary who also talks to him through his wife's Skype as they were in heaven together. He learned several things that day including that masturbation was not a sin from The Virgin Mary, and that in Heaven there is a swingers club, and Moses told him that when he got there he could have sex with his wife Zipporah who also thought John was a very sexy man. Later that night, Moses and Stefani and the Virgin Mary convinced John to have a few beers while he washed dishes. Unbeknownst to them at the time was the fact that John had run out of Natural Light beer and was drinking his other four pack which he thought was beer, but would later be realized that it was actually malt liquor. After one and half cans John began being very emotional and began crying over a broken cup. After he stopped crying he began commenting about how drunk he was. Only having one and half cans, the Virgin Mary and Moses insisted John continue drinking because he couldn't possibly be drunk off of that little amount of alcohol. As he finished his second can and began his third, he started speaking incoherently, slurring his words, and was barely able to stay on his feet. He made a comment that he needed to use the bathroom and left the room to go take a shit. As he was there, heaving and moaning could be heard and several minutes later, John could be heard puking. Not being responsive and concerned for his safety, a call was placed to the local Sheriff's office and they were dispatched to check up on him. Several minutes later John came back and took the laptop with him to the toilet to finish taking a shit. As he was doing so, a look of pain came across his face, and without hesitating he stood up while he was taking a shit and begin puking again. At the same time the sheriffs were banging on doors and windows of his home , trying to make sure he was okay. He finished taking a shit and without wiping, pulled up his underwear and stumbled out of the room and signed off of Skype for the night.
3/2/2014 - Even though he was very drunk the night before and said he would never drink again, without anyone telling him, John who recently received his food stamps for the month, went to the store and bought an 18 pack of Pab's Blue Ribbon beer and 3 bottles of wine. John currently has a beer or two every night and is living life to the fullest now that he became aware that drinking was not a sin. That day the Virgin Mary contacted John and convinced him to take pictures of his shit, and post them on social media sites to prove to the demons that his shit was not "splatters" like the demons were saying they were. John followed through with this and posted pictures to Twitter and Facebook as per Mary's request. (see John, Poop, and his child-like antics )
3/3/2014 - John went to the thrift shop, and as per a request by Moses, bought two very holy white robes. These robes are the latest addition to the "Holy Wardrobe" of Bulla.
YouTube
- John S Bulla faded after 3 Beers
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Contact Information
His website has become more obscene; featuring many recordings of demons, pictures of him without his shirt on, sexual conversations with his very beautiful adult white girlfriends, etc.
He also makes some very important tweets on his new twitter account but you can still check out his old tweets on the account that was hacked.
HolyJohnSBulla2
johnsbulla1
See also
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John Bulla is part of a series on Visit the Trolls Portal for complete coverage. |
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John Bulla is part of a series on Aspies. | [Sperg out] |
| John Bulla is part of a series on Dying Alone
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