Michael Batton

This person has Assburgers Syndrome,
so you can't say anything bad! :-(

Be aware of that, you insensitive fuck.

	“	I shouldn't be told to shut down my fucking Twitter or Facebook!	„
	—Michael Batton gets mad at Middleport Police Department

Michael Batton, also known as JaguarsFan2012, WahamasNumber1Fan, MBSportsandGames and Mikeyb6786, is a troubled man in his late twenties from Middleport, Ohio (formerly Jacksonville, Florida). When he isn't 'sperging around at home when he should be earning minimum wage as a janitor, he enjoys watching NASCAR, Football, uploading video gameplays and raging at people who give him any form of negative criticism (Or those who gave it to him in the distant past), all the while using a vaguely-effeminate voice that bears a startling resemblance to a certain Chris-chan.

"I pledge permission to the flag of the entire world of America!"

The Beginning

Michael in the boy's locker room

Somewhere around 2004 Michael Batton, after an incident involving his family giving him some sort of negative criticism, moved out of the home in Jacksonville, Florida and moved to the town of Middleport, far away from where his mean parents could tell him what to do. It was also at around this time that Michael made his first adventures onto the internet by creating a MySpace page.

It wasn't just nonsensical videos, Michael also wrote many blog posts during this time. Most of these blogs centred around his Mother who he claimed had walked out on his life to be with Michael's stepfather. This would be a source of blame for all of Michael's negative actions for years to come.

Blog

One of the first things you'll notice about Michael is his cringe-worthy spelling and sentence structure. This is best demonstrated in his shitty blog posts on myspace about his shitty, boring life. Enjoy.

it sucks at christmas time the holidays bring me down for a few reasons 2 years ago my mom left me and the last 2 christmas been hard on me don't get me wrong but i'm still hateing my mom for all the hell she put me through i'm thinking the 3rd one gonna be a little better the reason i'm bummed and i know it a stupid reason i know i won't get anything becasue i have no family i know alot people on christmas day will be opening up gifts while i'm thinking why everything has changed in my life there are a few things i want for christmas one is wishing i had extra money for the wahama game tommrrow night the 15th i don't wanna anybody to think i'm a greedy person casue i'm not i know ive put some people through hell and there been some people who put me through hell it ok everybody forgets i don't have a family and wish people would understand i'm alone if i'm being a greedy person or a jackass tell me

Why is it nobody want to listen what on your mind for five mintues without being yelled at or told something drifften which is not the turth one of the reasons why i'm the way alot of the time is i feel like nobody want to hear what on my mind why i'm like the way i am alot the time i wish somebody would listen without going telling on me or be mean to me but just be a true friend i can tell you some of the things why i act the way is everytime somebody else is in bad mood and i try to talk to them they push me away and it not fair to me i guess it becasue i look stupid and plus nobody hardly do anything with me or come visit me i know there some friends who do and i know they are busy if you ever want me to do something as long their no football or nascar or i'm not working and doing anything else ill go anywhere plus i wish i was told more often that i was loved ever snice my mom lefted me in 2007 ive had up and downs and no i don't miss my mom a friend made a comment that was real hurtful to me yesterday not gonna mention names but she sayed the way i acted is becasue of my mom leaveing i've so got over her and you wanna go tell where i work what say go ahead you damn chicken it wrong instead going to snitch on me you should be just a good friend and listen i'll listen to any of mime friends i don't judge no matter what it is and if i hurt any of you people and i know i sayed this 6 thousands times i'm so sorry when your angry you say the wrong things ive hurt some people i guess

A New Start

At around this time, Michael discovered YouTube, being first known as JaguarsFan2004. He made some new friends and everything was going great. However, by 2011 he'd started to receive a bit of negative criticism from other YouTube users. So he did what all Asspies do, he shut down his YouTube channel and started another one where all those mean people wouldn't find him.

Michael's Usual Video Content

To open this section, it's worth mentioning that Michael once claimed, "I put so much hard work into my gameplays". With that in mind, here's his gameplay style - he starts off by buying up a whole lot of licensed gameshow games off of PSN, then points a camcorder at his tv screen, without checking to angle it straight, and films the gameplay off of his television, rambling in a bored fashion over repetitive footage that one would get a more stimulating experience of if you actually watched the real game shows. Totalbiscuit once said, "You can slag off PewDiePie and Toby Games all you like, but you cannot legitimately say that its as bad as some of the absolute dreck there is in terms of Let's Plays". Given that he referenced people who think filming their TV screen makes a good Let's Play, there is little doubt that Michael's approach to gameplay style was the kind of level of quality he was referring to.

He also every now and then records his tv screen and talks over blurry footage of NASCAR, something which NASCAR's copyright lawyers would find pretty fishy. Knowing Michael's approach towards handling copyright, this is instantly hilarious.

JaguarsFan2012

With a new channel Michael was happy again, but as before the happiness was shortlived, as those mean people found Michael's new channel. With them came a even more critics, including Michael's first encounter with the long running rivals DrNecrophillia and MrNicWilliamColeman.

After many false flaggings (a common pattern in Michael's behaviour) DrNecrophillia lost his YouTube account, and Michael closed his Facebook Fanpage. When DrNecrophillia came back to YouTube a few weeks later, Michael closed his YouTube account in a rage. Hoping that once again he could get a fresh start.

Dan Weiss defends Michael

Dan Weiss threatening violence to those that Criticise Michael

Dan Weiss, an apparently former U.S. Marshall and God fearing Christian defended Michael for a short period of time on Facebook & Twitter. Dan claims to have "Chinese friends" and told Nicholas Coleman to "say hello to my Chinese friends in the next few weeks" (According to Nicholas Coleman, he has never to this day met Dan Weiss's Chinese friends). Dan was called out on the fact he'd issued a threat of this magnitude on am openly viewable website, and thus deleted his threats.

WahamaNumber1Fan

	“	but ya know, me being picked on because of my, ya know, assburgers / autism, ya know	„
	—Michael Batton's first known usage of the disability card

Michael's third channel unfortunately couldn't escape the ensnarement of criticism and by this time his frustrations were starting to show in the form of Michaels first "rant" videos. There was a glimmer of promise however, Michael and DrNecrophillia apologised to one another and agreed to move on. This truce lasted all of a week after, as per usual, Michael showed no sign of changing his behaviour. As before Michael deleted his channel much like his previous failures that he referred to as "channels"

Michael Batton

Michael just wouldn't give up and made another sorry excuse for a YouTube page. However the frustrations were taking over Michael at this point and he resorted to making numerous "Channel update" videos, appearing more and more depressed in each one. It didn't take long for him to continue to be antagonized by NicholasColeman and DrNecrophillia and he, you guessed it, balleeted this one after a mere few weeks. Making this Michaels shortest running YouTube account to date.

MBSportsandgames

Him and his rivals finally came to an agreement here. But all good things must come to an end. In February 2013, a user named iMustDestroyAll made a video in his usual style of mockery directed towards the Super Bowl. Michael made a response to it, claiming that "it really upset me". Naturally, the response was poorly edited with many awkward pauses, like all his videos, and ended up using religion as a means of taking a blatant joke seriously. The video garnered criticism from some british dude and a swarm of others, culminating in a fraudulent copyright claim on the third video, which the British guy eventually turned around. And, surprise, surprise, Michael deleted his channel in a tardrage.

Because stealing jokes from Monty Python was so cool two decades ago!

MikeyB6786

During this time, the Akriloth2160 along with Rambotweety1 made a whole lot of videos criticising Michael, provoking more and more unneeded rage from him. Particularly regarding the parody videos made by the animator, Michael even saw fit to rage at the ones which were blatantly joking with him. Michael then started stalking the Akriloth2160's youtube feed to see where he had commented, and used that as a pretext to rage in places where he couldn't be blocked. Not only did this result in a whole lot of negative backlash against him, but Michael also ended up getting an account strike that he claims, "I won't let this bother me".

Also at around this time, Michael gained a number of "Twitter imposters" which eventually resulted in Michael flying into a fit of rage, not just because he was getting "harassed", but because the Middleport Police refused to do anything to help him.

This account was eventually Baleeted when Michael's own kind started to turn against him after putting up with his shit for so long.

The First Twitter Meltdown

Michael dealing with criticism

At some point during 2012 an imposter Twitter account appeared and quickly set about ruining Michael's name among his close friends. This even led to Michael's boss seeing the imposter Twitter, and thinking that it was actually him, nearly fired him from his job as a janitor.

The Second Twitter Meltdown

Rather than doing something sensible like focussing on his day job as a janitor, he ended up dedicating worryingly-large chunks of his time towards raging against another impostor account of his on Twitter. At one point, said account attempted to get a rise out of him by associating Michael with the Boston bombing, and Michael declared the account, "A sick son of a bitch"...even though a mere few weeks later, he ended up laughing at the victims caught in the May 2013 tornadoes.

The Third Twitter Meltdown

When Nicholas tried making amends with Michael, he continued baselessly raging against Nic, accusing him of being a liar despite never giving any reason or evidence as to why. On top of this, he raged against a parody account and had it taken down with a copyright claim on the profile image, claiming that the person behind it "hacked his facebook"...even though one doesn't even need to have added Michael as a friend on facebook in order to see and copy his facebook pictures to begin with. This drama escalated to the point of Michael not only reviving a troll account that hadn't attempted to troll him for about two months, but he also raged to the point of breaking his laptop.