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Michael Batton
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This person has Assburgers Syndrome, so you can't say anything bad! :-( Be aware of that, you insensitive fuck. |
—Michael Batton, right after saying he's going to commit suicide | ||
Michael Batton, also known as JaguarsFan2012, WahamasNumber1Fan, MBSportsandGames and Mikeyb6786, is a troubled man in his late twenties from Middleport, Ohio (formerly Jacksonville, Florida). When he isn't 'sperging around at home when he should be earning minimum wage as a janitor, he enjoys watching NASCAR, Football, uploading video gameplays and raging at people who give him any form of negative criticism (Or those who gave it to him in the distant past), all the while using a vaguely-effeminate voice that bears a startling resemblance to a certain Chris-chan.
The Beginning
Somewhere around 2007 Michael Batton, after an incident involving his family giving him some sort of negative criticism, moved out of the home in Jacksonville, Florida and moved to the town of Middleport, far away from where his mean parents could tell him what to do. It was also at around this time that Michael made his first adventure onto the internet by creating a MySpace page. It wasn't just nonsensical videos, Michael also wrote many blog posts during this time. Most of these blogs centred around his Mother who he claimed had walked out on his life to be with Michael's stepfather. This would be a source of blame for all of Michael's negative actions for years to come.
Blog
One of the first things you'll notice about Michael is his cringe-worthy spelling and sentence structure. This is best demonstrated in his shitty blog posts on myspace about his shitty, boring life. Enjoy.
it sucks at christmas time the holidays bring me down for a few reasons 2 years ago my mom left me and the last 2 christmas been hard on me don't get me wrong but i'm still hateing my mom for all the hell she put me through i'm thinking the 3rd one gonna be a little better the reason i'm bummed and i know it a stupid reason i know i won't get anything becasue i have no family i know alot people on christmas day will be opening up gifts while i'm thinking why everything has changed in my life there are a few things i want for christmas one is wishing i had extra money for the wahama game tommrrow night the 15th i don't wanna anybody to think i'm a greedy person casue i'm not i know ive put some people through hell and there been some people who put me through hell it ok everybody forgets i don't have a family and wish people would understand i'm alone if i'm being a greedy person or a jackass tell me
Why is it nobody want to listen what on your mind for five mintues without being yelled at or told something drifften which is not the turth one of the reasons why i'm the way alot of the time is i feel like nobody want to hear what on my mind why i'm like the way i am alot the time i wish somebody would listen without going telling on me or be mean to me but just be a true friend i can tell you some of the things why i act the way is everytime somebody else is in bad mood and i try to talk to them they push me away and it not fair to me i guess it becasue i look stupid and plus nobody hardly do anything with me or come visit me i know there some friends who do and i know they are busy if you ever want me to do something as long their no football or nascar or i'm not working and doing anything else ill go anywhere plus i wish i was told more often that i was loved ever snice my mom lefted me in 2007 ive had up and downs and no i don't miss my mom a friend made a comment that was real hurtful to me yesterday not gonna mention names but she sayed the way i acted is becasue of my mom leaveing i've so got over her and you wanna go tell where i work what say go ahead you damn chicken it wrong instead going to snitch on me you should be just a good friend and listen i'll listen to any of mime friends i don't judge no matter what it is and if i hurt any of you people and i know i sayed this 6 thousands times i'm so sorry when your angry you say the wrong things ive hurt some people i guess
A New Start
At around this time, Michael discovered YouTube, and started an account under the name of JaguarsFan2004. He made some new friends and everything was going great. However, by 2011 he'd started to receive a bit of negative criticism from other YouTube users. So he did what all Asspies do, he shut down his YouTube channel and started another one where all those mean people wouldn't find him.
Michael's Usual Video Content
Now that the topic has moved to Michael's Youtube content, it's worth mentioning that Michael once claimed, "I put so much hard work into my gameplays". With that in mind, here's his gameplay style - he starts off by buying up a whole lot of licensed gameshow games off of PSN, then points a camcorder at his tv screen, without checking to angle it straight, and films the gameplay off of his television, rambling in a bored fashion over repetitive footage that one would get a more stimulating experience of if you actually watched the real game shows. Totalbiscuit once said, "You can slag off PewDiePie and Toby Games all you like, but you cannot legitimately say that its as bad as some of the absolute dreck there is in terms of Let's Plays". Given that he referenced people who think filming their TV screen makes a good Let's Play, there is little doubt that Michael's approach to gameplay style was the kind of level of quality he was referring to.
He also every now and then records his tv screen and talks over blurry footage of NASCAR, something which NASCAR's copyright lawyers would find pretty fishy. Knowing Michael's approach towards handling copyright, this is instantly hilarious.
JaguarsFan2012
With a new channel Michael was happy again, but as before the happiness was shortlived, as those mean people found Michael's new channel. With them came even more criticism, including Michael's first encounter with the long running rivals DrNecrophillia and MrNicWilliamColeman. To put things in short, Michael was basically complaining about trolls but encouraging his friends to spam their channels. Can you say insane double standards?
His original facebook was bombarded with status after status of preaching about how "he's done with life", "he wants to jump off a bridge" and complaining about how nobody was stepping in on facebook to help. (This was all over him receiving 2 or 3 prank calls of farting noises, btw). Anonymous trolls were able to take this to their advantage and flagged his statuses for "suicidal content." This lead him to bitch about numerous account warnings and block over 30 friends of his out of paranoia. After getting fed up with the frequent trolling and prank calls, he deleted his original facebook, losing most of his friends in the process. At around the same time he deleted his Jaguars2012 account. This is not where the adventure ends however...
Michael vs DrNecrophillia
—Remember, Michael always claims to be a nice person | ||
In late 2011 DrNecrophillia came across Michael and planned to do a video commenting about him, for the sole purpose of getting his attention and pissing him off. Because of this video, DrNecrophillia started to receive comments spamming his channel, so seeing this, DrNecrophillia immediately uploaded a video showing some of Michael's more embarrassing pictures and revealed some of Michael's personal information that he had found. Michael immediately had his video flagged. In response to this DrNecrophillia made further antagonising videos, all while Michael was on Facebook repeatedly telling his friends how he would like to pull DrNecrophillia's teeth out, kill him and have him arrested. Eventually, in a bid to get DrNecrophillia to stop, he made an attempt at an apology. As you can probably guess, this apology was about as genuine as Michael's sex life and within an hour Michael was back on Facebook telling his friends how he was going to kill DrNecrophillia and if any of his friends were caught subscribing to his channel they would be blocked and he would never talk to them again.
After many more false flaggings (a common pattern in Michael's behaviour) DrNecrophillia lost his YouTube account, and Michael closed his Facebook Fanpage. When DrNecrophillia came back to YouTube a few weeks later, Michael closed his YouTube account in a rage. Hoping that once again he could get a fresh start.
Dan Weiss defends Michael
Dan Weiss, an apparently former U.S. Marshall and God fearing Christian defended Michael for a short period of time on Facebook & Twitter. Dan claims to have "Chinese friends" and told Nicholas Coleman to "say hello to my Chinese friends in the next few weeks" (According to Nicholas Coleman, he has never to this day met Dan Weiss's Chinese friends). Dan was called out on the fact he'd issued a threat of this magnitude on an openly viewable website, and thus deleted his threats.
WahamaNumber1Fan
—Michael Batton's first known usage of the disability card | ||
Michael's third channel unfortunately couldn't escape the ensnarement of criticism and by this time his frustrations were starting to show in the form numerous "update" videos, appearing more and more depressed in each one. Even after two videos, however, there was a glimmer of hope. Michael and DrNecrophillia apologised to one another and agreed to move on. This truce lasted all of a week after, as per usual, Michael showed no sign of changing his behaviour. As before Michael deleted his channel much like his previous failures that he referred to as "channels"
Michael Batton
Michael just wouldn't give up and made another sorry excuse for a YouTube page. However the frustrations were taking over Michael at this point and he resorted to making numerous "rant" videos. It didn't take long for him to continue to be antagonised by NicholasColeman and DrNecrophillia. You guessed it, he baleeted this account after a mere few weeks, making this Michaels shortest running YouTube account to date.
MBSportsandgames
Michael and his rivals finally came to an agreement here, and things were starting to look up. Michael experienced his longest run of not being criticised in over a year and his YouTube channel had nearly reached 100 subscribers (98). However all good things must come to an end. In February 2013, a user named iMustDestroyAll made a video in his usual style of mockery directed towards the Super Bowl. Michael made a response to it, claiming that "it really upset me". Naturally, the response was poorly edited with many awkward pauses, like all his videos, and ended up using religion as a means of taking a blatant joke seriously. The video garnered criticism from not only iMustDestroyAll, but also, thanks to him posting the video on his facebook fanpage, some new critics including Rambotweety1, Akriloth2160 and Lordcrab86 as well as a swarm of others, culminating in a fraudulent copyright claim on the third video, which Akriloth2160 eventually turned around. Surprise, surprise, Michael deleted his channel in a tardrage. Michael never made it to 100 subscribers.
MikeyB6786
—Michael Batton gets mad at Middleport Police Department | ||
New channel brought a new rule, remembering the backlash he received from his rant video on iMustDestroyAll, Michael no longer wanted to do anymore "rant" videos (SPOILER: It didn't last long). During this time, Akriloth2160 along with Rambotweety1 made a whole lot of videos criticising Michael, provoking more and more unneeded rage from him. Particularly regarding the parody videos made by the animator, Michael even saw fit to rage at the ones which were blatantly joking with him. Michael then started stalking Akriloth2160's youtube feed to see where he had commented, and used that as a pretext to rage in places where he couldn't be blocked. Not only did this result in a whole lot of negative backlash against him, but Michael also ended up getting an account strike that he claims, "I won't let this bother me".
Around this time, Michael gained a number of "Twitter imposters" which eventually resulted in Michael flying into a fit of rage, not just because he was getting "harassed", but also because the Middleport Police refused to do anything to help him (Likely due to having better uses of their time to worry about one person raging on a site that already has rules and ways of enforcing them).
This account was eventually Baleeted when Michael's own kind started to turn against him after putting up with his shit for so long. And he didn't even pass the 50 subscriber mark.
Twitter Meltdowns
The First Twitter Meltdown
At some point during 2012 an imposter Twitter account appeared and quickly set about ruining Michael's name among his close friends. This even led to Michael's boss seeing the imposter Twitter, and thinking that it was actually him, nearly fired him from his job as a janitor.
The Second Twitter Meltdown
Rather than doing something sensible like focussing on his day job as a janitor, he ended up dedicating worryingly-large chunks of his time towards raging against another impostor account of his on Twitter. At one point, said account attempted to get a rise out of him by associating Michael with the Boston bombing, and Michael declared the account, "A sick son of a bitch"...even though a mere few weeks later, he ended up laughing at the victims caught in the May 2013 tornadoes. At the same time, Michael started blaming another user for the impostor account, amongst other things. Shortly after this, Michael blocked Nicholas Coleman from Facebook, Youtube and Twitter for reasons unknown. After weeks of running away from questions, Michael finally admitted he did this because Nicholas Coleman had become friends with Akriloth2160. Remember, Michaels logic demands that friends can not associate with anyone that has criticised Michael in the past under any circumstances.
The Third Twitter Meltdown
When Nicholas tried making amends with Michael, he continued baselessly raging against Nick, accusing him of being a liar despite never giving any reason or evidence as to why. On top of this, he raged against a parody account and had it taken down with a copyright claim on the profile image, claiming that the person behind it "hacked his facebook"...even though one doesn't even need to have added Michael as a friend on facebook in order to see and copy his facebook pictures to begin with. This drama escalated to the point of Michael not only reviving a troll account that hadn't attempted to troll him for about two months, but he also raged to the point of breaking his laptop. After a brief ragefest against said troll account, Mikey's Twitter disappeared on August 12, only to return a few days later.
The Fourth Twitter Meltdown
On December 27, 2013, Michael once again had a "meltdown" on Twitter towards a user who he automatically assumed was behind his Encyclopedia Dramatica page (Who, as it turns out, was actually clearing up minor aspects of the page after having spotted it in the recent edits section). Thus, in Michael's natural ways he not only found out who this person was, but found them on Twitter and decided to simply "talk it out".
MichaelsParadise
—Michael Batton, who, bear in mind, encouraged people to block Akriloth2160 for no given reason right at the start of the drama with him. | ||
A while later, Michael revived an account he had on the side a while back known as MichaelsParadise, and continued uploading the expected videos, alongside a video titled "My message video to you all". In this video, he not only admits to having an anger problem (Thereby contradicting some of the things he said during the third Twitter Meltdown, while also proving that he does indulge in playing the disability card), but also says he's going to be starting up a business on Second Life, of all places. It's only a matter of time before that system's infamous tendencies for furfaggotry and Rule 34 will start appearing before him. He has also admitted that he hasn't changed for the better over the course of the drama, all the while misusing the word "troll" like he always does. UPDATE: Michael has recently come out from behind the camera in his current videos.
He claimed that the video would be the last one he would do in a while. But then, he uploaded a video titled "Here your proof", documenting one of the tweets from Nick. How much time had passed since Michael made the claim of not doing another video for a while? FIVE DAYS.
2014-2015: The Years of the Michael
2014-2015 is to date Michael's most promising years. He's not only started uploading more videos(Mostly bad Wheel of Fortune videos with his camera pointed at the TV screen), but also actual vlogs. Yes you heard me right VLOGS. Took many years, but the fat man-child has finally decided to stop hiding behind the camera and show is dumb autistic face on video once more. It's truly a sight to be seen. His vlogs range from him ranting about trolls and his personal life to FIFA Women's World Cup(Yes it is cringe worthy). Sadly even though Michael's year is going good with him attending the Special Olympics and no trolls bothering him, Michael does still have his days.
Dr.Necophillia Facebook Page
In early to mid 2014 Michael decided that the only way to vent his frustration of being a pathetic late 20 year old virgin was to pick on someone who has fucked with him for years. Leaving comments on Dr.Necrophillia's Facebook page threatening him with such autistic threats as "Keep running that mouth boy you no good low life punk" and "YOU WANT TO RUN THAT MOUTH OF YOURS COME SAY IT TO MY FACE". It seemed Dr.Necrophillia and Nick Coleman had put Michael under a great deal of stress to the point it made his autism kick into overdrive and prevented him from functioning properly at work. Thereby making him lose a days pay.
Mother Drama
It's no big shock that someone as messed up as Michael would not have a "Perfect Family". To much of discovery Michael's very own mother "had" a twitter account/accounts(Upon some digging it is revealed that Michael actually reported his own mother multiple times for simply talking to him). In these conversations Michael throws every nasty word at her from "Dumb Bitch" to "Cunt" to even telling his mom that he knows of her current house getting foreclosed and how "Nothing would make him happy if she ended up on the street". If telling his mom "Fuck You" and contacting her every holiday just to vent his frustration of his shitty life doesn't make this kid his mom's favorite, I don't know what will. Michael also upon reading many of his moms tweets has threatened legal action for talking to him. What an internet tough guy.
GNS
During sometime in January of 2014 Michael became enraged do to his favorite TV channel "GNS" being removed from the Suddenlink cable provider in his local area of bum fuck nowhere(Middleport, OH). Michael wouldn't stand for this and sprung into action on social media uploading a rant video on how he wants Suddenlink to bring back GNS so he can watch Wheel of Fortune (Even though Suddenlink removed the program do to low ratings as Michael states). The fun doesn't end there ladies and gentlemen. Michael even ended up on the Suddenlink community forum pissing and whining for his GNS back. This isn't even the best part folks. Michael actually cried so loud he got the attention of one of Suddenlinks official reps to speak with him, but once she asked for some simple information such as his zip code Michael wouldn't stand for that. Stating "NO NO NO I'M NOT GIVING YOU CRAP YOU NEED TO RELAY A MESSAGE TO SUDDENLINK TO PUT GSN BACK ON DO YOU UNDERSTAND ENGLISH" even though this lady is an official rep of Suddenlink and is writing in English and responding in English Michael's autism still felt the need to ask her if she "Understands English". Even some of the people in the forum point out Michael's rudeness, which Michael(28 Years Old) replies with "Who asked you" and "Shut up".
External links
MichaelsParadise
Personal Facebook
jaguarsfan2004 
Michael's Myspace 
Michael's old twitter- Michael's possible twitter? Also On lockdown
- Michael's laughably-unnoticed attempt at a troll account (According to @MiddleportPD)
- Michael's first public post-NasBallFan Twitter account.
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Michael Batton is part of a series on Aspies. | [Sperg out] |
| Michael Batton is part of a series on Dying Alone
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