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David Hockey: Difference between revisions
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Hockey claims he was [[Stalking|researching]] fellow dollfuckers for a [[Boring|documentary]] he's making. He came across a SA thread about [[Kevin Havens|Kevin]] and immediately got [[butthurt]] and retaliated with an [[Hate_mail|angry letter]]. He raged at [[Lowtax]], which only encouraged the 'Tax to post the [[E-mail|e-mails]] on the [[thread]] and make Hockey fair game. Hockey even offered himself up as a [[Jesus|scapegoat]] to take some of the fire off Kevin. He ended up being a [[lolcow]] instead. [[Fail|Hockey couldn't handle it very well either]]. The [[internet detective|internet detectives]] proceeded with dissecting his pathetic [[life]] simultaneously with Kevin's. | Hockey claims he was [[Stalking|researching]] fellow dollfuckers for a [[Boring|documentary]] he's making. He came across a SA thread about [[Kevin Havens|Kevin]] and immediately got [[butthurt]] and retaliated with an [[Hate_mail|angry letter]]. He raged at [[Lowtax]], which only encouraged the 'Tax to post the [[E-mail|e-mails]] on the [[thread]] and make Hockey fair game. Hockey even offered himself up as a [[Jesus|scapegoat]] to take some of the fire off Kevin. He ended up being a [[lolcow]] instead. [[Fail|Hockey couldn't handle it very well either]]. The [[internet detective|internet detectives]] proceeded with dissecting his pathetic [[life]] simultaneously with Kevin's. | ||
[[Image:Lowtax_contempt_for_realdoll.JPG|right|thumb|[[Lowtax]] has contempt for Dave and his toys.]] | [[Image:Lowtax_contempt_for_realdoll.JPG|right|thumb|[[Lowtax]] has contempt for Dave and his toys.]] | ||
== Miscellaneous Crap == | == Miscellaneous Crap == |
Revision as of 09:10, 17 April 2011
Update: You can own something this man did things to. Click here for details!Got sold
David Hockey (alias knightshot, midiman, Dave Crandall, Mr. Football-with-shinty-sticks) is a batshit insane sick fuck attention whore neckbeard from Canadia who, like his virtual ward Kevin Havens, likes to fuck dolls. Not just any dolls, either. He likes them made of plush and furry. Along with his buddy Doodman, he's a mousefucker much like Ray Jones. He'll settle for the silicone variety as well. He gained minor e-fame by White Knighting casperghostboy as the Something Awful Goons tore into that particular Aspie fucktard. Click here for that very thread. More recently, he's even earned a second SA thread. Click here for Round 2!. And even moar recently he's become a bit of a fixuture in the third dollfucker thread. Click here for Round 3!
Hockey claims he was researching fellow dollfuckers for a documentary he's making. He came across a SA thread about Kevin and immediately got butthurt and retaliated with an angry letter. He raged at Lowtax, which only encouraged the 'Tax to post the e-mails on the thread and make Hockey fair game. Hockey even offered himself up as a scapegoat to take some of the fire off Kevin. He ended up being a lolcow instead. Hockey couldn't handle it very well either. The internet detectives proceeded with dissecting his pathetic life simultaneously with Kevin's.
Miscellaneous Crap
Hockey believes, as most dollfuckers do, that all dolls should be "anatomically correct". He would be thrilled if your children could play with He-Man's cock and give Barbie a good fingering. On the other hand, he believes that people should NOT be allowed to make fun of people who think molesting dolls is a good thing. Click here for moar details.
Kevin agrees with him...
— Kevin Havens. Fucking retard. |
- Dave also bitches about people maligning his copyright. Meanwhile, he's ripping off TIME magazine and Sony among others.
- He is currently selling his cars. Any guesses as to why?
The Adventures of Midiman (who is totally NOT David Hockey)
Dave is currently on a cross-country trip with his dolls and fuck-muppets as well as fellow dollfuckers to film his documentary. His journey is mainly to get his "wife", Bianca, a pussy. Along the way Dave films some dollpr0n, gets shot at and run outta town by cowboys, goes to L.A. Erotica, actually hangs out with real women, swings with some his dollfucking bretheren, gets menaced by Snuggles the dollraping bear, and continues bitching about Goons. It's only a matter of time before some other creep makes a pass at one of his harem and the lulz multiply beyond comprehension...
Fuck. It's already happened...
Selected Threads
ZOMG! IT SAYS THEY'VE BEEN SO HARASSED HE MADE THE FORUMS MEMBERS-ONLY! LOL! YEAH, THAT'LL WORK!
- GUESTS MAY NOW CHAT!
- Bitches can't drive.
- Let's make some porn!
- I have a friend as creepy as me!
- Too bad it wan't hot enough in Phoenix that week to melt the dolls...
- Snuggles = Doll Rapist.
- This is how Dave gets his bitches wet...
- "Brokeback Mountain was bad enough!"
- TITS!
- Moar almost-raping!
- ZOMG finally Bianca gets her vagina. This thread is the best thread.
- MOUSEFUCKER MOUSEFUCKER MOUSEFUCKER!
- A video with Dave and his buddy Goldman. Goldman makes the TorsoDolls.
- Dave tests a new doll.
- DOLLFUCKER DOLLFUCKER DOLLFUCKER.
- Creepy loli dolls.
- "Why do they hate us so?!"
- "GOONS! THEY ARE EVIL!"
- "I HATE YOU GOONS!!!"
- "GOONS!!!"
- "GOOOOOOOONS!!!"
- Answer to title: No.
- Dollfights and bear castrations.
- NEW POLL: What makes you hornier? Real or silicone?
- Dave's got another new doll!
- "The Goons know their roll!
- And he's got ANOTHER doll!
Gallery
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The stars arrive.
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Which makes you hardest?
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Midiman fails.
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A doll pr0n shoot.
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"OK. I bathe with them sometimes, too. But I'm still NOT fucking them!"
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"GTFO! We don't like yer kind here, pardner!"
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Bianca meets the loli dolls.
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Snuggles the bear. His bear is plush, his snuggles are rape.
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Snuggles fails.
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Snuggles wins.
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Feel the afterglow...
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"I can stand real girls,too. See?"
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"See? The bitches. They flock to me."
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Dave's friend Goldman doesn't realize Belladonna prefers the dark meat.
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Not real loli, Dave.
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"C'mon. Smile. I'll show you my dick. Smile!"
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"Smile for the camera. C'mon. You rubber girls are so cold."
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The Legion of Dollfuckers.
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"We can rebuild her..."
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Tearing off a piece of ass.
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If only...
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Bianca's groove is back.
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He is TWINS?! NOOOOOO!
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Snuggles says it is raep time!
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Bianca before and after seeing Dave's cock.
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Furries and dollfuckers: The Unholy Alliance.
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Moar jealousy?!
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Selene is not nice...
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Snuggles likes the dark plush.
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... "Bears and Bees"?
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The Wendy's Girl now?! For shame, Dave!
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Dave's shrine to Bianca...
All Trolled Up
All the while that Hockey was on his epic journey to procure a vagina for his beloved doll, the Goons continued to mock him. A second thread was started dedicated to him, and it promptly turned into a kind of circlejerk as all good threads do. Every time a Goon made a comment, Hockey would reply on his Doll Chronicles forum. No comment went without a response from him, thus making him look even more deranged. He just has to have the last word. The Goons would sit back and laugh at this and things would settle down, but eventually Hockey would get lonely and the voices in his head would quiet down. That's when he would seek attention by posting yet another self-righteous rant or pix of him having some kind of secks with one of his fuckmuppets. The Goons would obligingly attack him and call him on his straw man arguments and sexual deviancies. He'd go go on the defensive, the Goons would go back to other faggotry, then Hockey would get lonely again, he'd act up, restart the Internet Hate Machine, etc., etc., ad infinitum.
Eventually Goons began trolling Hockey by pretending to be fellow dollfuckers. One "befriended" Hockey, contacting him through Facebook at first, and eventually getting some lulzy comments from him about how he couldn't confess one way or the other about being a dollfucker because on one hand admitting it would be too truthful and on the other hand denying it outright would earn him the hate of the other dollfuckers.
Moar lulz were needed, so the troll even trolled themself in order to earn more of Hockey's trust. Earn it the troll did, and more madness would leak from Hockey's mouth. Hockey even stated at one point that the other dollfuckers often disgusted him and he would never willingly touch another man's fucktoy for fear of AIDS (okay, we'll give him that one...). He outted his incompetent assistants as the puppetmasters behind the midiman persona, which is only partly true. At one point Hockey described his broken marriage and his mother's illness. He also claimed that he didn't actually write the reviews on his site for the fuckdolls, but instead had some other maniac do the dirty work and describe it to him in detail. At another point he claimed the film he making was being produced by HBO, but he would later claim otherwise. He would then continue on about how he was doing the film entirely as a self-funded project and as his entry into the mainstream and that he was still trying to market it. Whatever became of the HBO deal, Dave? Srsly. His best hope is that Canadia is starting it's own porn channel (no shit, eh! Rly!) and as per Canuckistani regulations at least half of the programming will have to be homegrown. How Canada will handle his obscene lusts is anybody's guess. Not everyone there likes porn.
Eventually one of his fellow dollfuckers clued him in on the fact that he was being pumped by a troll and Hockey quickly switched gears. He tried to confront the troll and use logic to deal with them. As everybody except Dave knows, that approach always leads to fail and will inevitibly turn out to be a trap. The troll convinced Hockey to finally use his "top secret" SA account for what it was worth and confront the Goons in their own territory, as that would be the only way to pwn them, right? He made a spectacular fool of himself as goonobyl and as he reached fever pitch the troll the unleashed screencaps of the conversations with Hockey, which Hockey would consider tantamount to revealing dox. Thoroughly butthurt by this "betrayal", Hockey banned perceived trolls left and right with a fury that even blocked the better part of entire cities from accessing his site. For the sake of lulz, Hockey was allowed to stay on SA and even earned an appropriate custom title to show him just how much he's appreciated. The screenshots that caused his retreat can be found here.
Hockey then retreated to his safe silicone-lined womb in the dollfucker forums and would continue to spit hatred at the Goons from there. He would convince himself that it was HE who had made all the puppets dance, that everything that was presented by the troll was a falsehood created in Photoshop, that it was a social experiment, that his mother really loved him, and that nothing he himself had done would ever wind up reflecting badly on him, and that the world was accepting of him and his dollfucking and yet hated and rejected him at the same time.
Hockey's only eventual remaining white knight came in the form of a 16-year-old girl from LiveJournal who tried to engage the Goons in a contest of who could e-jerk the longest. She tired of it quickly and went back to trolling WOW. She can be found here.
Hockey's psyche has only continued to collapse after his mom's recent death. He has now taken over trolls' former Doll Chronicles accounts and is pretending to be those fictional characters. He's hoping to gain credibility by pointing out that Howard Stern and Ron Jeremy are dollfuckers, not understanding that they did it for the lulz and the money, essentially. Some argue that Dave is no different in those respects but Howard and Ron didn't pretend to be their dolls on the internets having cybersex with aspies, drive their dolls cross-country to have new parts installed, lurk on dollfucker forums for years, or got butthurt when people laughed at them for fucking dolls and then cried about being persecuted.
He also spends a lot of time trying to make "screenshots" in Photoshop that will absolve him of being a douchebag. His behavior indicates that he has contracted a particularly awful ETD that has also induced a case of Internet troll personality disorder on top of all the problems he already had up until recent developments. In short, he is a truly ruined dollfucking human being.
The Doll Defenders ATTACK!!!
Recently Hockey had spent most of his days fucking his new Ruby doll (who resembles a coked-up Britney Spears). After a while he tired of it and decided he had enough of his composure back to confront the Goons once more. Teaming up with Shit_Viper, a fellow bald old dollfucker, the duo unleashed massive faggotry on the SA forums and got the goonobyl account probated for a week for image leeching. Note that they were simply probated, not banned. This allowed them the chance to come back and fail once again, as we all know the third time is the charm. When they tried again, they were finally banned for their faggotry. Then Dave decided to spend a week or so fucking his new animu BoyToy doll.
It's of note that with his 3 main silicone dolls, he's assembled a group that somewhat resembles his own daughters...
Hockey was also depraved enough to engage in Santa Claus roleplaying whilst fucking his dolls.
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Dave's got his groove back!
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Post-production recording...
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Dave digs the animu, and bestiality too.
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What's in the bawwks?!
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Best of both worlds.
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He lives to rape childhoods.
Skydiving Sexdolls
Dave settled down for awhile after he and Shit_Viper were exiled from SA. Eventually he got back to working on his documentary. The big scene is supposed to be where Dave pays a shit-ton of money to some skydivers to take his fuckdoll Bianca for a skydive. Dave filmed such a scene not once but twice, once stateside and another time in Nova Scotia. Little did Dave realize the Canadian skydivers were Goons who made note of Dave's rants to nobody in particular about "that hate group Something Awful". They managed to get pictures taken with Davey's famous moviestar girlfriend and Dave eventually turned the footage from the skydives into the trailer for his film All Dolled Up...
Is he famous nao?
Dave has gone on to be profiled on TV in this interview. In it you can see where he gets caught with his fapping material on-screen.
He was also interviewed at the Adult Entertainment Expo, and topped things off by fucking one of his TeddyBabes in front of a captive audience.
Dave is also likely to appear on the Maury show, but not to be told he's not the father. One of his dollfucking friends, keithallen, is going to appear on it and Dave wants to film the aftermath. It started with this thread in TDF, NBC-TV IS LOOKING TO INTERVIEW A REAL DOLL OWNER!, and continues in I'm doing it and Input needed. Pit Viper almost went on, but his Marylin doll blew up.
Most recently, Hockey blew a big fat wad of his IRL wife's cash to purchase both the CoverDoll Magazine website and The Doll Forum. In response to his actions, a great many dollfuckers have defected and started their own forums so they don't have to tolerate his megalomaniacal tyranny.
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Don't kiss it! You don't know what's been in it! Stupid slut.
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They've seen worse...
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You still won't get group sex, Dave.
Links
- The SA thread that started the drama.
- The second SA thread, continuing the drama. Goldmined.
- The third SA thread on dollfucking. Ongoing.
- Dave's "main" business.
- Dave's "side" business.
- Hockey's YouTube. With videos he couldn't put up on his regular site, but are on his fuckdoll sites.
- Dave's Doll Chronicles site.
- Dave's Fuck-Muppets' site. It even has a forum.
- Dave's DollForum listing.
- He has 80 pages woth of posts!
- Transcripts of Dave being trolled and admitting to some things. Screencaptures, of course.
- Some abandoned forum for his fuck-muppets.
- A crazy ass site where he talks about his love for speeding and tries to sell his cars.
- A site full of unwarranted self-importance. As all of his sites are.
- His town's website. He runs it. No shit.
- His temporary Facebook page. Search for Midiman Dollover.
- A Nova Scotian rapper who grew up on the steets of Alberta. Dave worked with him.
- The Seaman Project. Not as cool as it sounds.
- Dave's #1 fan!
- NEW!!! Cover Doll Magazine! Where Dave poses his dollies!
- A very special interview between David Hockey and Shit_Viper.
See Also
- Kevin Havens
- Pit_Viper
- Something Awful
- White Knighting
- Narcissistic personality disorder
- Sock puppet
- Statuephilia
- Unwarranted Self Importance
- Victim complex
David Hockey is part of a series on Visit the Trolls Portal for complete coverage. |
David Hockey is part of a series on serious business |
Serious Concepts
Free Speech • Identity theft • Irony • Internet asshole • Internet Celebrities • Internet disease • Internet drama • Internet humanitarians • Internet Law • Internet lawsuit • Internet lawyer • Internet stalking • Internet tough guy • Internet Vigilante Group • Operation Falcon Punch • Swatting • Vandalism • World Wide Web Consortium People & Organizations
2cash • Alan Turing • Casey Serin • David Hockey • Dear Cis People • Doxbin • Fast Eddie • Grace Saunders • Hallcats Squadron • Jessi Slaughter • Mary Bell • Meek Mill • Kittens • Maja Schmidt • Missy • Niggest Crook Force • Psychopath • Vloggerheads • WEB SHERIFF |
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David Hockey is part of a series on Visit the Sex Portal for complete coverage. |