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Coffin: Difference between revisions
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Latest revision as of 19:19, 23 April 2023
A coffin is the last place a dignified person will call home until the Sun turns red and vaporizes the Earth. This does not include you. You will most likely be wrapped in linen with the name John Doe number 46782, thrown into a mass grave for the Homeless, covered in lime and forgotten once you've been covered by dirt.
Undertakers usually try to make a distinction between coffins and caskets even though the American lexicon allows for the two to be used interchangeably. An undertaker will try to tell you that a coffin has 6 sides and is pretty much a pine wood box while a casket is more rectangular and fancy. The undertaker will try to convince the buyer that the fanciness of a person's final resting place will show that they were loved in life because caskets are made from finer materials and people at the wake will judge just how much you loved the person by examining the fineness of the materials used to make the casket along with the materials inside. The undertaker will play the emotion card over and over until he has the family buying the most expensive casket they can afford while avoiding the fact that the difference between a top of the line coffin and a bargain Basement casket is about $2,500.
Dying
Dying is when God gives you Life's big Ban Hammer.
The next few days, or weeks, all depend on how loved you were. If you have friends and family your decaying Meat Suit will be found, usually in a a few hours or a day.
On the other hand, you most likely won't be found until the rent of your hotel room is over due and the manager kicks in your door, while holding a baseball bat, to what can only be called the worst stink on earth.
Ground Burial
Whether you are placed in an underground vault or just tossed in the dirt, the decay process stays almost the same.
Ground burial differs from the vault, as you will be tossed into a Pauper's Hole while people that had family that loved them will be placed in a coffin.
Without and underground vault or above ground vault, the decay process is relatively the same as the Pauper's except that people loved them enough to have them intered in a place that could be found. With a coffin, the weight of the dirt and machines being moved over the grave site will break open the coffin and allow it to be exposed to the elements like water from the rain seeping down through the ground and the wonderful promise of the worms coming and eating your flesh as you lie there, erased from existance.
It takes about 2 to 3 days for the worms to come, time for this usually depends on whether the body was embalmed or not. The worms sit there waiting for the body to putifry, this is when your body starts to smell bad, if you're an Animu fanboi or a Brony, you were probably already at this stage of stench. What comes next is your body starts to bloat and break open - allowing the worms in and letting the real feast begin. When it begins, the worms and other ground dwellers move in from the outside to the inside and feast on your body's organs as it begins its active decay. This is when your body will begin to turn black and liquefy. (In death we are all niggers). This all Depends on moisture level, oxygen saturation, type of soil and temperature.
Bodies buried in the Arctic or the Desert will usually be the least decayed due to hardly any decomposition because the Arctic is akin to putting a steak in the freezer and the desert like making beef jerky.
Burial In A Vault
A Burial vault is a concrete box that a coffin is placed in that the corporations want you to believe is to allow additional protection for the body and coffin when it is actually only used when the family is afraid of their loved ones coming back as a Vampire or a Zombie.
What it comes down to is that Cemeteries don't want to pay a person to go around the Cemetery, filling in the grave sites as the ground settles onto the coffin.
Their job, pretty much, is to keep the coffin dry inside from rain water seeping through the ground and keeping the bugs out.
If you don't want the worms eating through your eyes and feasting on your brain, the median cost for one is $5,000.
If you don't want to be a rotting husk in the ground, start looking to get burial insurance because a casket's costs, on average is $3,500, the burial plot averages $2,500, A headstone costs, on average $3,000 - not including lettering, that usually runs about $25 a letter, and about $3,500 for viewing and funeral costs so $17,500.
If you were a man like us at ED you'd get creamated because, after about 20 years, no one will really care that someone put you in the ground like a Tulip bulb hoping for you to sprout back up after a couple of years.
Mausoleum
A mausoleum is for rich, pieces of Shit that want to tell people that they were someone when they were alive but now can be carried away in a dustpan, proving that death is the great Equalizer.
All a mausoleum is is a house for a coffin and burial vault that someone dropped $350,000 on because they were afraid of death and copied the Egyptians thinking that if they built a house around their body that they'd come back to life.
In reality, all it does is stand as a memorial to their ego and reminds people of what an asshole they were in life. They die thinking that every time someone reads the name on their mausoleum that they'll somehow become immortal and closer to being reanimated in the modern world.
In reality, all a mausoleum does is serve as a place for Emos and Goths to hang out in, drink beer and smoke pot while they pretend to be cool by saying that their life choices don't matter because most of life is forgotten and ends in death. That they accept their own death and life isn't really worth living if all you do is die, while holding a group cutting session or trying to work up the courage to eat all of their Grandma's Pain medicines.
Cremation
So you got a few hairs on your Yam sack and you think you're Man enough to meet your end with fire.
You should know that you'll be baked at 1,800°F for a minimum of three hours and you will feel the flame for every long second that you're in the Oven and that's why only real men should attempt this way of going out because once it starts; it can not be stopped. You'll be like a patient that has awoken mid-surgery and can feel everything going on but can not ask for it to Stop.
During the late 1940s through The 1960s it lost favor for some reason, as people didn't like the idea of shoving people into ovens.
Despite all this, for most of you Poor Fucks out there, Cremation does make more financial sense short of going off to a swamp and falling into a bog to wait for the Sun to blow up. A no frills Cremation costs, on average $1,100, compared to the $18,000 cost for a mediocre funeral.
Our advice, fuck the funeral. There is no God. You're not going to rise up out of the ground to fight some make believe, final battle for control of the Universe. Outsmart the worms with an Ashen ""Fuck You" and go out like the Samurai and the Vikings. You know, the real men.
Think about it. You have no Job, so there's no hope of getting the cash together for a funeral. You have no friends so it'd be a waste to hold a viewing. No friends and your Family hates you so why even buy a plot because no one will ever come to see you or drop buy to leave you flowers. Living off your Tugboat from month to month, you should be able to scrape together $1,100 if you lay off the Lego purchases for a few months.
See Also
- Necrophilia The only thing the dead fear
| Coffin is part of a series on Dying Alone
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Coffin is part of a series on Visit the Truth Portal for complete coverage. |