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[[Image:Neckbeardwallowing.png|right|thumb|Typical neckbeard wallowing in self-pity.]]
[[Image:Neckbeardwallowing.png|left|thumb|Typical neckbeard wallowing in self-pity.]]
[[Image:Blind-kittah-sez-u-needz-a-shave.jpg|right|thumb|They really do.]]
[[Image:Doctor.jpg|thumb|right|Dr. Neckbeard.]]
[[Image:FurryNeckbeard.jpg|right|thumb|Typical comment made by a neckbeard.]]
A '''Neckbeard''' (also known as a '''neard''', a [[portmanteau]], or the '''bloatee''') is the strange under-the-chin hair growth only seen on [[fat|fatties]], drug addicts with a messianic complex and [[UNIX]] programmers. It is derived from the "Abe Lincoln" (not to be confused with the sex move as the neckbearded have [[virgin|no relation to sex]]). The purpose of this beard is to delineate the [[neck]] from the chin when the two have merged due to obesity, forming a [[Dick Neck|bullfrog neck]]. Wearers hope it will make them look like a badass from ''[[Hacker|Hackers]]'' or ''[[The Matrix]]'', yet it merely reminds observers of fucking chin lack.


A '''Neckbeard''' (also known as a '''neard''', a [[portmanteau]], or the '''bloatee''') is the strange under-the-chin hair growth only seen on [[fat|fatties]], [[weev|drug addicts with a messianic complex]] and [[UNIX]] programmers. It is derived from the "Abe Lincoln" (not to be confused with the [[Sex move#A|sex move]] as the neckbearded have [[virgin|no relation to sex]]). The purpose of this beard is to delineate the [[neck]] from the [[chin]] when the two have merged due to obesity, forming a [[dickneck|bullfrog neck]]. Wearers hope it will make them look like a badass from ''[[Hackers]]'' or ''[[The Matrix]]'', yet it merely reminds observers of fucking chin lack.
A neckbeard is to beards as the comb-over is to hair. It is never, ever [[cool]].


A neckbeard is to beards as the comb-over is to hair. It is never, ever [[cool]].
"Neckbeard" can be used to refer to both the facial hairstyle and the people who wear it.


All neckbeards are ''[[Dungeons & Dragons]]''-obsessed losers, and vice versa. [[It is a mystery|It is not known]] at this time whether growing a neckbeard causes one to play ''[[Dungeons & Dragons]]'' or playing ''[[Dungeons & Dragons]]'' causes one to grow a neckbeard.
All neckbeards are ''[[Dungeons & Dragons]]''-obsessed losers, and vice versa. [[It is a mystery|It is not known]] at this time whether growing a neckbeard causes one to play ''[[Dungeons & Dragons]]'' or playing ''[[Dungeons & Dragons]]'' causes one to grow a neckbeard.
== Detection ==
=== Visual Clues ===
#[[Fedora]]
#Trenchcoat
#Overdressed
#Greasy hair
#Ponytail
#Acne at any age
#Dyed hair
#Shitty beard
#Pedostache
#Wears all black or wears all red
=== Audio Clues ===
#Crunching of Cheetohs or crinkling of wrappers.
#Heavy mouth breathing [[Why|(Up close)]]
#Nasally voice
#[[MysteriousMrEnter|Ranting]] about [[Shit nobody cares about|shit nobody cares about]]
#Occasional burp or fart
#Tipping of his/her's [[Fedora]]
#Reciting of Richard Dawkins books


==Holmesbeard==
==Holmesbeard==
[[Image:holmesbeard.jpg|center|thumb|Behold the Holmesbeard!]]
<br>
<center>{{frame|[[File:Holmesbeard.jpg|center|thumb|394px|<center><big>'''Behold the Holmesbeard!'''</big></center>]]|}}</center>
<br>
==Chainsaw Beard==
Like the neckbeard, the Holmesbeard is made of hair that does not go very high on the face, but that is where the similarities end. The Holmesbeard is worn by men such as [[John Holmes]], who had a foot-long [[cock]]; made millions by fucking [[over 9000]] [[pussy|bitches]] and teaching them [[bitches don't know|'bout his dick]]; had a foot-long cock; was skinny as a rail; and most badass of all, had a foot-long cock. Hence, Holmesbeard wearers are the extreme opposite of [[you|neckbeards]] and should be confused with real neckbeards [[never|as often as a neckbeard will get you laid]]. Anyone who confounds the two is a [[fucktard]].




==Chainsaw Beard==
<center>{{frame|<youtube>1fuDDqU6n4o</youtube>
[[Image:Chainsaws.jpg|thumb|CHAIN SAWS!]]
<center><big>'''What to Do If Someone Calls Your Holmesbeard a Neckbeard'''</big>}}</center>


Like the neckbeard, the Holmesbeard is made of hair that does not go very high on the face, but that is where the similarities end. The Holmesbeard is worn by men such as [[John Holmes]], who had a foot-long [[cock]]; made millions by fucking [[over 9000]] [[pussy|bitches]] and teaching them [[bitches don't know|'bout his dick]]; had a foot-long cock; was skinny as a rail; and most badass of all, had a foot-long cock. Hence, Holmesbeard wearers are the extreme opposite of [[you|neckbeards]] and should be confused with real neckbeards [[never|as often as a neckbeard will get you laid]]. Anyone who confounds the two is a [[fucktard]].


{| align="center" style="padding:0px;"
{{quote|Don't you ever talk that way to me. [[Nevar]]!|The Captain telling [[you]] not to mix up the Holmesbeard and the neckbeard}}
|<center><big>'''What to Do If Someone Calls Your Holmesbeard a Neckbeard'''</big></center><br>
<center><youtube>1fuDDqU6n4o</youtube></center>
<br>
<br>
{{quote|Don't you ever talk that way to me. [[Nevar]]!|The Captain telling [[you]] not to mix up the Holmesbeard and the neckbeard}}
|}
==Chinstrap==
==Chinstrap==
[[Image:chinstrappy.jpg|thumb|right| You're [[doing it wrong]]]]
[[Image:chinstrappy.jpg|thumb|right| You're [[doing it wrong]]]]
Unlike the neckbeard, the '''Chinstrap''' style beard consists of a thin band (strap) of facial hair that goes from one sideburn, under the chin, and up to the other sideburn, for no apparent reason other than to dish out a cheap round of the [[LULZ]] to everyone apart from its owner. No hair is on the cheeks, or the neck. The 'pre-pubescent boys' neckbeard', the Chinstrap exists to make the wearer [[gay|menacing]] and/or [[dumb|manly]]. It never works. Worn by those who cannot grow a full neckbeard, the chinstrap is either closely cropped to the face, or let to grow wild and free, proving the unadulterated manliness of the [[fag]] who wears it.
Unlike the neckbeard, the '''Chinstrap''' style beard consists of a thin band (strap) of facial hair that goes from one sideburn, under the chin, and up to the other sideburn, for no apparent reason other than to dish out a cheap round of the [[LULZ]] to everyone apart from its owner. No hair is on the cheeks, or the neck. The 'pre-pubescent boys' neckbeard', the Chinstrap exists to make the wearer [[gay|menacing]] and/or [[dumb|manly]]. It never works. Worn by those who cannot grow a full neckbeard, the chinstrap is either closely cropped to the face, or let to grow wild and free, proving the unadulterated manliness of the [[fag]] who wears it.


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==Failbeards Gallery==
==Failbeards Gallery==
{{cg|Failbeards|Link|center|<gallery>
{{cg|Failbeards|Link|center|<gallery perrow="5">
File:Chinstrap 360.jpg|No, a chinstrap cannot be "ironic"
Image:Blind-kittah-sez-u-needz-a-shave.jpg
Image:Rooftop_Jillman.jpg|Just chillen with a good friend
Image:Rooftop_Jillman.jpg|Just chillen with a good friend
Image:Neckbearddouche.jpg|Hey ladies! Its the Bloatee Floatee
Image:Neckbearddouche.jpg|Hey ladies! Its the Bloatee Floatee
Image:Woman_with_neckbeard.jpg|Women can have neckbeards too!
</gallery>|<gallery perrow="5">
<!--Image:italian_stallion_neckbeard.jpg-->
<!--Image:Orton_and_sweet_tits.jpg|Despite the failbeard, [[Handegg|Denver Broncos starting quarterback]], Kyle Orton, still manages to get some pussy.-->
<!--Image:tyneckbeard.jpg|Wrap-around-->
<!--Image:4512564124.jpg|that hat does wonders for your neck beard faggot-->
Image:Neckbeardsexybeast.jpg|One day [[you|you]] too could be a [[ugly|sexy]] [[Cthulhu|beast]] like this
Image:Neckbeardsexybeast.jpg|One day [[you|you]] too could be a [[ugly|sexy]] [[Cthulhu|beast]] like this
Image:Neckbeardpussy.jpg|Waiting for his turn to roll the [[D&D|36-sided die]].
Image:Neckbeardpussy.jpg|Waiting for his turn to roll the [[D&D|36-sided die]].
</gallery>|<gallery>
Image:FurryNeckbeard.jpg|Typical comment made by a neckbeard.
Image:Feels_good_neckbeard.jpg|Being [[fat]] and having a neckbeard, [[feels good man]].
Image:Fusionater.png
Image:Feels_good_neckbeard.jpg|Being [[fat]] and having a neckbeard, [[Pepe|feels good man]].
Image:Neckbeardihazit.jpg
Image:Neckbeardihazit.jpg
Image:italian_stallion_neckbeard.jpg
Image:Glocknroll.PNG|A [[Butthurt]] [[Steam|Virgin]]. Hates Macs, Bathing.
Image:Glocknroll.PNG|A [[Butthurt]] [[Steam|Virgin]]. Hates Macs, Bathing.
Image:islaverde29.jpg|Self-loathing autistic and self-styled [[forever alone]], [[ISLAVERDE29]] is growing a neckbeard for himself.
Image:Neckbeardfaggot.jpg|A Neckbeard filled with cheetoh dust and [[smegma]]
Image:Neckbeardfaggot.jpg|A Neckbeard filled with cheetoh dust and [[smegma]]
Image:Ridethelobster2.jpg|A [[fat]] loser in the early stages of the disease.
Image:Ridethelobster2.jpg|A [[fat]] loser in the early stages of the disease.
Image:fyre.jpg|Note the disgusting blue veins and fresh stretch marks.
Image:fyre.jpg|Note the disgusting blue veins and fresh stretch marks.
Image:Wyrmlingneckbeard.jpg|A wyrmling neckbeard and avid [[Dungeons & Dragons|Dungeon Master]].
Image:Wyrmlingneckbeard.jpg|A wyrmling neckbeard and avid [[Dungeons & Dragons|Dungeon Master]].
Image:Orton_and_sweet_tits.jpg|Despite the failbeard, [[Handegg|Denver Broncos starting quarterback]], Kyle Orton, still manages to get some pussy.
Image:IRLsasquatch.JPG|Is this [[TheAmazingAtheist|thing]] even human?
Image:IRLsasquatch.JPG|Is this [[TheAmazingAtheist|thing]] even human?
Image:Epic neckbeard.jpg|Most [[epic]] neckbeard
Image:NECKBEARD.jpg|Most [[epic]] neckbeard
Image:Fat_brony_with_a_rainbow-colored_neckbeard.jpg|Rainbow neckbeard.
Image:NECKBEARD_HERRMANN.jpg| Typical [[basement dweller]] after growth of neckbeard
Image:NECKBEARD_HERRMANN.jpg| Typical [[basement dweller]] after growth of neckbeard
Image:1190707701798.jpg|This neckbeard actually believes he's cool.  He is mistaken.
Image:1190707701798.jpg|This neckbeard actually believes he's cool.  He is mistaken.
Line 61: Line 92:
Image:Richard wagner.jpg|[[Gay|Faustian]] neckbeard
Image:Richard wagner.jpg|[[Gay|Faustian]] neckbeard
Image:Neckbeardman.JPG |<s>A [[pedophile]] neckbeard</s> ALL neckbeards are pedo neckbeards!
Image:Neckbeardman.JPG |<s>A [[pedophile]] neckbeard</s> ALL neckbeards are pedo neckbeards!
Image:Georgerr.PNG|The neckbeard is spreading to [[old people]] like a [[swine flu|virus]]
Image:Georgerr.PNG|The neckbeard is spreading to [[old people]] like a [[AIDS|virus]]
Image:Vheads_neckbeard.jpg|A [[Vloggerheads]] user proudly displaying his neckbeard.
Image:Vheads_neckbeard.jpg|A [[Vloggerheads]] user proudly displaying his neckbeard.
Image:Zopilote.jpg|At first glance it does indeed look like some strange parasite about to feed. And it's wearing glasses.
Image:Zopilote.jpg|At first glance it does indeed look like some strange parasite about to feed. And it's wearing glasses.
Image:Cyraka.jpg|This guy is [http://cyraka.deviantart.com/ reminiscent] of [[Chris-chan]]. Also, his [http://www.youtube.com/user/LordShadrach YouTube fail].
Image:Cyraka.jpg|This guy is {{deviantart|cyraka|reminiscent}} of [[Chris-chan]]. Also, his {{yt|LordShadrach|YouTube fail}}.
Image:Neckbeard02311.jpg|A [[typical]] [[lonely|loathesome]] [[weaboo]] faggot
Image:Neckbeard02311.jpg|A [[typical]] [[lonely|loathesome]] [[weaboo]] faggot
Image:SNeckBeard.JPG|
Image:SNeckBeard.JPG|
Line 71: Line 102:
Image:Ortiz_chinstrap.jpg|[[fat|Double-chin]] concealment [[FAIL]]
Image:Ortiz_chinstrap.jpg|[[fat|Double-chin]] concealment [[FAIL]]
Image:chinstrapping.jpg|A [[webcam]] will do nicely
Image:chinstrapping.jpg|A [[webcam]] will do nicely
Image:tyneckbeard.jpg|Wrap-around
Image:Neckbeard_ew.jpg|Made from pubes.
Image:Neckbeard_ew.jpg|Made from pubes.
Image:NECKBEARD.jpg|Fail. [http://www.facebook.com/#!/Scuba.Steve.Esq]
Image:Neck_Beard_-_Wal-Mart_Ultimate_Neck_Beard.jpg|[[Wal-Mart]]ian Neckbeard
Image:4512564124.jpg|that hat does wonders for your neck beard faggot
Image:MB.jpg
File:Neckbeard WoW.jpg
File:Rich Neckbeard.png|buffin mad swag
File:Captain's-stalker.png|Internet tough guy jerkin' off
</gallery>}}
</gallery>}}


==See also==
==See also==
 
*[[Epic Beard Man]]
*[[Silk Screen Goku Shirt]]
*[[Slashdot]]
*[[Warhammer 40k]]
*[[Basement-dweller]]
*[[Basement-dweller]]
*[[Weev]]
*[[Weev]]
*[[UNIX beard]]
*[[Linux]]
*[[Playstation Network]] One of the many gathering places for Neckbeards because JRPGs
*[[Xbox Live]] Another gathering place for neckbeard halo fanboys


==External Links==
*[http://www.solardeathray.com/neck.html A loathsome pro-neckbeard website]
*[http://www.achewood.com/index.php?date=09072005 Achewood] weighs in
*Fat [[Fable]] idiot [http://community.lionhead.com/forums/thread/2865424.aspx refuses to shave until the game comes out]
{{dying alone}}


{{Dying Alone}}
{{Atheism}}
{{Atheism}}

Latest revision as of 21:31, 1 September 2023

Typical neckbeard wallowing in self-pity.
Dr. Neckbeard.

A Neckbeard (also known as a neard, a portmanteau, or the bloatee) is the strange under-the-chin hair growth only seen on fatties, drug addicts with a messianic complex and UNIX programmers. It is derived from the "Abe Lincoln" (not to be confused with the sex move as the neckbearded have no relation to sex). The purpose of this beard is to delineate the neck from the chin when the two have merged due to obesity, forming a bullfrog neck. Wearers hope it will make them look like a badass from Hackers or The Matrix, yet it merely reminds observers of fucking chin lack.

A neckbeard is to beards as the comb-over is to hair. It is never, ever cool.

"Neckbeard" can be used to refer to both the facial hairstyle and the people who wear it.

All neckbeards are Dungeons & Dragons-obsessed losers, and vice versa. It is not known at this time whether growing a neckbeard causes one to play Dungeons & Dragons or playing Dungeons & Dragons causes one to grow a neckbeard.

Detection

Visual Clues

  1. Fedora
  2. Trenchcoat
  3. Overdressed
  4. Greasy hair
  5. Ponytail
  6. Acne at any age
  7. Dyed hair
  8. Shitty beard
  9. Pedostache
  10. Wears all black or wears all red

Audio Clues

  1. Crunching of Cheetohs or crinkling of wrappers.
  2. Heavy mouth breathing (Up close)
  3. Nasally voice
  4. Ranting about shit nobody cares about
  5. Occasional burp or fart
  6. Tipping of his/her's Fedora
  7. Reciting of Richard Dawkins books

Holmesbeard


Behold the Holmesbeard!


Chainsaw Beard

Like the neckbeard, the Holmesbeard is made of hair that does not go very high on the face, but that is where the similarities end. The Holmesbeard is worn by men such as John Holmes, who had a foot-long cock; made millions by fucking over 9000 bitches and teaching them 'bout his dick; had a foot-long cock; was skinny as a rail; and most badass of all, had a foot-long cock. Hence, Holmesbeard wearers are the extreme opposite of neckbeards and should be confused with real neckbeards as often as a neckbeard will get you laid. Anyone who confounds the two is a fucktard.


What to Do If Someone Calls Your Holmesbeard a Neckbeard


   
 
Don't you ever talk that way to me. Nevar!
 

 
 

—The Captain telling you not to mix up the Holmesbeard and the neckbeard


Chinstrap

You're doing it wrong

Unlike the neckbeard, the Chinstrap style beard consists of a thin band (strap) of facial hair that goes from one sideburn, under the chin, and up to the other sideburn, for no apparent reason other than to dish out a cheap round of the LULZ to everyone apart from its owner. No hair is on the cheeks, or the neck. The 'pre-pubescent boys' neckbeard', the Chinstrap exists to make the wearer menacing and/or manly. It never works. Worn by those who cannot grow a full neckbeard, the chinstrap is either closely cropped to the face, or let to grow wild and free, proving the unadulterated manliness of the fag who wears it.

Many photographs of chinstrap-wearing pedophiles, furfags, gamers, wiggers, and other Internet trash are primary examples of Internet disease. The camera angles take advantage of the magical concealing power of the chinstrap to hide the bulbous pouch of fat underneath the chinstrapper's chin, for example.

It is a well known fact that kids with neckbeards get way more pussy than men with real beards.

Although not by much, a Chinstrap is preferable to a neckbeard, like a kick to the balls is more preferable to hitting your cock with a hammer.

Failbeards Gallery

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

See also


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Neckbeard
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