- Portals
- The Current Year
- ED in the News
- Admins
- Help ED Rebuild
- Archive
- ED Bookmarklet
- Donate Bitcoin
Contact an admin on Discord or EDF if you want an account. Also fuck bots.
puddles
|
This person has Assburgers Syndrome, so you can't say anything bad! :-( Be aware of that, you insensitive fuck. |
- Note: this is an article about an Encyclopedia Dramatica user. For more information, please see the appropriate user page. To leave this user a message, please visit their talk page.
—dbaggins, don't edit my article! I mean it guys. | ||
Puddles has been known for many things over his lackluster Internet career, mainly as a failure of an image board owner (that no longer exists because he was too poor to afford basic hosting fees), a lowly IRC denizen consistently abused by most users of WTFuxNet, and presently the only ED admin to ever pay for sysops.
When not dick riding every person capable of supplying him with even a fraction of e-power, he enjoys spending his evenings trying to have cyber sex with schizophrenic IRC girls and posting fake information about himself on Pastebin. Currently an Idaho resident, puddles briefly attended Boise State University until flunking out. This does not bother him because he works minimum wage at a sushi restaurant in a landlocked state. While he is not content with being a complete fuck up at all of his endeavors, he does nothing to improve the serious social & developmental problems that have persisted his entire short miserable life. He is attended to by not one but two psychiatrists as even the professional experience of a mental health practitioner cannot prepare you for the sheer level of fucked to death shit that is puddles. His only attempted claim to relevance over the 20+ years of his existence is, after one of his users managed to social an admin password from an even bigger retard than puddles, he stole all the credit for it. In his spare time, he frequently enjoys viewing lolicon and purchasing ghetto quality research chemicals to get high.
Puddles the Person
Born to a loving family of meth addicts with only the broken pipe stems on their back to shield them from the elements, Mr. Puddles experienced a typical Idaho upbringing, filled with physical abuse and rampant drug use. Puddles is predictably flawed as a human being, due largely to the staggering amount of trailer trash biker speed his mother consumed during her pregnancy. His father, more interested in handjobs and crank, left young puddles to his own devices. He proved to be such an embarrassment that the people that could stand his presence for more than an hour used the opportunity to subject the mentally disabled manchild to various forms of hilarious adolescent torture. It was apparently so severe that even noted chat veteran bonzi_b was amazed at the sheer beta ass prat submission he regularly put up with.
—ED IRC | ||
Mental Health
If pushed hard enough, puddles' behavior will become increasingly erratic until he erupts into a complete manic frenzy, flailing at anything he perceives as his enemy. He will then accuse everyone present of being either autistic, gay, or a thirteen year old. Should this defense mechanism be ineffective in protecting his frail ego, he will create giant walls of text detailing his delusions of grandeur, such as insisting he is above everyone else and in fact the entire Internet itself. He will refuse to listen to anything, except of course his own calming self delusions. Should someone question him as to what basis he has for believing this severely fractured madness, he will quit, threaten to ignore people (only to never follow through), or begin babbling incoherently to himself. He has even been seen talking to himself for several hours alone in his own chatrooms.
Unlike common suffers of ALR, or Absolute Life Ruin, puddles' fantasy world is the Internet itself. On it, he believes heis a well respected member of a notorious organization, when in reality he is a drain on vital societal resources. He is completely dependent on what strangers online think of him and craves their validation more than anything else. Not surprisingly, being rejected usually is enough to send him back into blind rage.
In summary, Puddles is a pre-psychotic schizophrenic who must visit with two psychologists to ensure he doesn't completely break with reality.
nuchan, The chan that never was
puddles began his online career, like many mentally deficient assclowns, as a dedicated frequenter of 4chan. Believing this benchmark of pure unfunny garbage wasn't shitty enough for his refined tastes he was slowly kicked down the ladder before ending up in #RaspberryHeaven and #animu. During his slow descent downward into the depths of plebery he became associated with a site called NewChan. Never heard of NewChan? Shocking. Nevertheless, through sheer will and unimaginable effort puddles soon became a moderator for the site so that instead of spending most of his time fucking around he could finally waste all of it, and do it for free!
Rise to E-Fame
Soon though pud pud became restless and decided to steal everything from NewChan except the domain name itself. He copied the shitty web software barely powering fucking nothing and claimed it as his freeware. He bought up some bargain brand webspace and hastily christened his precious ripoff NUCHAN. GET IT? CAUSE IT'S NEW. Unfortunately, however, much like nu-metal and nu-rap the site was an abortion of terrible ideas unfit to live.
Things started seemingly well for puddles at his new imageboard no-one had ever heard about. Convinced that they should follow a new fuckup rather than the old one, many of NewChan's users migrated over. To keep up with NewChan he appointed a few mods to police this massive influx of new users numbering in the one's to ten's worth. Before you knew it nuchan was a regular circle jerk of a community. Deciding nothing further was needed he could finally live it up as a real life Chan Owner. To his dismay nobody else showed up in the following days and weeks.
So puds did the only thing that came naturally to him. He begged on other imageboards for people to visit his wasteland and when that failed proceeded to be an insufferable faggot until someone banned him. Fully humiliated and rejected, he would then move onto another site and then to the next, and so forth. Finally after assembling a trusted circle of cocksuckers and enough 13 year olds to lord over, he took a break from being mercilessly raped to devise his next strategy. Realizing he was a useless mongoloid shut-in useless to anyone of worth he set his sights on being the king of the retard pile. During his travels as a detested piss stain on the Internet he managed to encounter similar outcasts with a yearn to care about the Internet. Together they learned through extensive use of buzzwords and unrelated technical terms they could emit a stream of thought vomit convincing enough to fool gullible chantrash. Problematically, however, was the small detail that they were incapable of hacking anything and could barely run prepackaged web software.
Puddles the Hacker
Fortunately a middle age man pretending to be a girl named Molly happened to be one of puddles' most trusted colleagues. What he lacked in skill he made up for in knowing people even more pathetic than himself. Lucky for Molly conning retards is about the easiest task to accomplish and managed to gain the confidence of two mouthbreathing chan admins. Falsely believing they were giving their passwords and site privileges out to a hot girl on the Internet they willingly complied. The kiddie skid camp then took each offline and claimed victory over two websites with even less users than their own that no one ever visited. Puddles was sure to let everyone who would listen that it was the work of nuchan and in particular its feared black hat hacker leader. In reality he sucked up to a middle aged old man for passwords and then tried to claim it was a hack. Later he found out that Golly was indeed a man and EPICALLY trolled him by letting him stick around.
808chan
Following his triumphant victory puddles felt like nuchan was really succeeding and that again it was time to turn it up a notch and go after a bigger target, 808chan. This hilariously backfired as 808chan was not populated by 4 people and its IRC server was being used to host GNAA channels. Believing there to be no way to discern his identity he and his band of merry turboqueers attempted to slowly flood the board with advertisements for nuchan. Achieving nothing but angering the owner resulted in his site being crapflooded out of existence, then being DDOS'd off the Internet entirely, and revealed his IP in a short span afterward. He then proceeded to flip the fuck out.
Moar info: nuchan.
Saving Private Dramatica
—puddles saved ED singlehandedly | ||
Needing a place to lie low and reconstruct his fallen empire of elite hacker capabilities puddles decided to try his hand at Encyclopedia Dramatica. Despite no one inviting him to the party he would regularly claim to be the saviour of ED and the sole reason for its continued existence. His actual contributions tallied up to a few pages about memes from nuchan no one knew anything about or care to and a shitty attack article about a math nerd. Most of his contributions were related to the production of the nuchan article before his shameless self promotion was hijacked and driven into the ground. Finding little progress being a wiki monkey and seeing the fabulous benefits of spreading the word of nuchan to ED IRC. He quickly connected and registered the channel #nuchan excited to open the floodgates of EDitors anxious to utilize his candy ass shitcreation. ED IRC responded very unkindly and in the end he only managed to pick up 2 users.
Moar info: The Great ED IRC War of 2013.
puddles vs phobos
Continuing his lucrative pursuit in trying to involve himself in anything capable of forcing others to acknowledge him and his backwater imagechan populated by 10 users; puddles decided he needed to start shit with #ed's chat elite. While initially believing himself immune from retribution he quickly pissed the bed after logs were recovered of him being a lowest tier fuckup contemplating avoiding college in Idaho in favor of trying to grow brickweed with one of his chanpals. He spends his many hours coordinating couches he can visit if his 1.6 GPA manages to dip below 1 and self promoting a site with an Alexa number in the trillions. After being outed as a shame on humanity, disgrace to his family, and talented dropout his imagechan was unceremoniously meh'd and filled with far better content.
Previous Quote | Next Quote | |||||
See Also
|
Puddles is part of a series on Visit the Trolls Portal for complete coverage. |
