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Fleshlight

From Encyclopedia Dramatica
This is an old revision of this page, as edited by imported>Straucher at 00:15, 7 December 2012. It may differ significantly from the current revision.
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Fleshlight is a sex toy made for people who, for some reason, lack the ability to use the perfectly good hand that Mother Nature has given them to simulate the feeling of sex. With “2 million dollars spent in research and development”, it is money well-spent to satisfy the pathetic needs of basement dwellers, whilst laminating their V cards in the process.

Sure it does, Dave. Sure it does.
You selfish bastard, it's always about you, isn't it?!

Fleshlights come in many varieties ranging from mouth, anus, and whatever else to suit your sexual needs. Besides pink, they also come clear, for people who enjoy fucking raw shrimp.

The makers of Fleshlight can easily make claims that it "feels just like the real thing" because they know that 99% of the buyers have never experienced a real pussy and probably never will. Made out of pink bubblegum, the Fleshlight is the most unnatural alternative to a cunt you will ever feel. It also comes in variety of 'textures', one of which only appears in the natural world during an STD outbreak. Pedobear is said to have designed the 'ultra-tight' one just for you. You'll love it.

Either way, it'll feel like you're humping Majin Buu.

Just when you thought it couldn't get any more unnatural, the terror kicks in.

The "Real Feel Superskin" material fleshlights are made from is a bizarre mixture of petroleum products and chemicals. This fake vagoo material is very porous so every virus and bacteria it comes in contact with can set up shop. Using rubbing alcohol to clean the fleshlight like the manufacturer suggests only kills some of them, leaving the strongest to multiply... you know, the same way super viruses are created and spread. So every used fleshlight quickly becomes a cesspit of super bacteria and viruses lying in wait for your junk so they can climb up your urethra and have a huge party.

And why does the company say "use rubbing alcohol to clean"? No, it's not for your health: soap and water will cause chemical reactions that will break the toy down. It can cause the fleshlight to literally burn your junk. Oh, and even if cared for "correctly" the sleeves require powdering with corn starch to absorb all the chemicals the cheapass fake vagoo material leeches out so it doesn't break down even faster. When you go to use the toy again all those chemicals are still inside.

And they want you to put your cock in contact with it. Looks like this company deserves a spanking!

Raids

On August 30th and September 21st, the fleshlight.com customer service Live Help chat was subject of massive raids. Many people answered stupid fucking questions as politely as possible because they were at work. It is to be expected that you'll get trolled working for a sex toy company like this one, so there was no remorse.

Gallery

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Videos

See Also

External Links

Fleshlight is part of a series on Dying Alone

[DeadCry yourself to sleep]

  Those Who Have Died Alone

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Those Dying Alone

03bgood2cash2 gryphon7jackass77Adam SandlerAhuviya HarelAIDS SkrillexAkewsticRockRAlex FordAlison RappAmerica's Third PartyAmy SchumerAndrew AllansonAngry JoeAnimatedJamesAnita SarkeesianAnonymous BorgAnthony 'A-Log' LoGattoAntony AguilarApril DavisAquagirlwhitefoxArgent009Arguecat3Arin HansonArmake21AsalieriAsher2500Austin AlexanderAvantGardePonyBambifan101BarneyfagBasement DwellersBen FordBen MoynihanBenny_the_SnakeBenthelooneyBig RedBikerfoxBill9929Bill GaedeBill GatesBLACKbusterCriticBob RehahnBrandontheMovieGuyBrandon SmithBrian MuellerBrian Richard ZaigerBrianna WuBroniesButLovaByAppointmentToCarl the CuckCartoonjunkieCaseydeckerCatboyKamiCheeyevChloe SagalChris-chanChris CrockerChuck M.Clint of Rise and FallCopperCabCorey MargeraCoughlan666CrazyvideosandrantsCrinklemonCyraxxDaniel BrandtDan CilleyDane CookDani FilthDarius McCollumDarknessthecurseDarksydePhilDave ChapelleDave MustaineDavid HockeyDaxflameDBoyWheelerDeekerDeterminedToDrawUTDev-catscratchDGTrixieDiaper BoyDillon CosseyDiogo MendesDisneyFan01DisneyMasterDJ KEEMSTARDnepropetrovsk maniacsDodgerofZionDogpatch PressDon RobertsDoodletonesDoomer3868Dorian_GayDoug WalkerDrakonDrossRotzankDoomentioDustinEDP445Emer PrevostEmosEpic Fat GuyEpicKitty54Eric AbramovEric RidenourErik RibsskogErtasVideosFilthy FrankFagolescentsFanFic CriticFast EddieFat ManFaust & Pory Five Nights at Freddy's fansFlardoxFluffy teh wolfForeverKailynFriends of A-LogFurriesG-ZayGather Against FateGeorge LopezGeosheaGhostGirlvinylGlobelampGoddessMilleniaGraykatGreg MazujianGwen GaleGwen StefaniHarmful OpinionsHellkiller777I Dislike Cis PeopleI Hate EverythingIan Miles CheongIchverboticze⁴rImma-The-DeerInkBunnyIsabella Loretta JankeJamil The KingJessi SlaughterJessica LeedsJim ProfitJINXDROWNEDJoe Crusher PicklesJoekerJohn BullaJohn FieldJohn KricfalusiJohn Patrick RogersJonathan McIntoshJonmonJonTronJoseph CampJoseph8276Joshua "Null" MoonJuggalosJustinRPGKat DenningsKendall JennerKeegan SalisburyKathleen ToddKenny GlennKevin HavensKeffalsKimmo Johan AlmKingEmpoleonKingMasterReviewKrashedLaci GreenLarry the Cable GuyLauren FaustLeafyIsHereLecarickLeigh AlexanderLeisureSuitGamingLena DunhamLeonard F. Shaner Jr.Leslie JonesLifeInATentLikeicareLinkaraLittleCloudLittleKuribohLogo KidsLordelthibarLow Tier GodLucian HodobocM. ChaosA Man in BlackManchildrenMar9122MarblesMarioMario456MariotehplumberMarjan SiklicmasteroogwgayMatthew DavisMatthew NicholsonMcJuggerNuggetsMDetector5‎MeowbarkMeganSpeaksMichael BattonMichael FitzhywelMichael GimsonMike SandyMoleman9000Monica PunkMonkeyGameGuidesMoviebobMumkey JonesMuZemikeMylarBalloonFanMysteriousMrEnterMysticArkNaokoElric2250NawlinWikiNeckbeardsNeoGAFNick BateNick BravoNikkineko333Noah AntwilerNostalgia ChickNotchNullcherriObjectfagsOFWGKTAOnideus Mad HatterOnyx ForepawPacificoceanasiaPaigeGirlPaul FeigPaulie CalafioreParkourdude91Peter BrightPeter CoffinPhantomStrider8Phil FishPhunWithLogicPinkieponyPit ViperPixyteriPeluchin EntertainmentPMRantsPreachingthegospelQuentin TarantinoRachael MacFarlaneRandi HarperRichard ReidRicki RavenRMG ProductionsRobert StaintonRobert Wayne StilesRockosockoRomeo RoseRootbrianRose3212Ryan RouthSad FrogSammyClassicSonicFanSam PepperSarah ButtsSarahisniftySaturnDOSSceptreSchnookumsSegacampSega KidSeth MacFarlaneSethistoShadmanSimply OkamiSlowbeef & DiabetusSnapesnoggerSonic SaviorSonmanicSony-MaeSophie LabelleSpax3StormySuperlisamcbSusan BoyleTara StrongTheAmazingAtheistTheDOSFagTheSockDetectiveTim BuckleyTJ LaneTodd in the ShadowsTom PrestonToonEGuyTourneyfagsTrey Eric SeslerTrigglypuffTyciolTyler GarmanyUlillilliaThe Unknown AutobotVadeVinceintheBayWade FulpWeatherManKevinWesley!!!WoWfan4lifeWwwareaWeegeeisgoingtokillmXenuriaYandereDevYoshiwii1Youyoungbloodfantasy91Zoe QuinnZone

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Fleshlight is part of a series on

Sex

Visit the Sex Portal for complete coverage.

Featured article December 6 & 7, 2012
Preceded by
2012 GNAA Tumblr Ruin
Fleshlight Succeeded by
Incumbent