Asheistheraven

Asheistheraven otherwise known as Josh Clark, or more notoriously, Della Winters, is one of the many unwashed, undocumented immigrants who presently reside on the internet. He is one of the internet's more dedicated inhabitants choosing to spend almost his whole life sat at home in his pyjamas, writing snide comments on YouTube videos and stalking people.

Over the years he's managed to perfect a very unique appearance all of his own which is a kind of cross between steampunk, goth and the "Just got out of bed" look which he has managed to hone in a way that makes it appear that he's just spent the night asleep in a cardboard box under a bridge, which ironically, isn't too far from the truth, given that he's both an epic troll and was at one point homeless.

It's ironic because he hasn't actually been to bed since he bought his current computer back in 1996, choosing instead to stay sat in front of it day and night, getting involved in other people's drama

When he isn't injecting himself into other people's arguments, he passes the time seducing unsuspecting people into having cyber sex with him as his alter ego Della Winters

Background

Josh's early years are steeped in mystery mainly because he's a lying bastard and so anything that he tells anyone about himself is often complete bullshit but what is known, just like Josh, isn't pretty. What is known is that he's a bisexual immigrant who grew up in the UK before moving to the United States where he is now stuck, unable to find work, trapped at home all day looking after his teenage daughter, with nothing to wear other than his pyjamas.

He first came to people's attention a number of years ago when he started to latch onto several well known youtubers, basking in their fame so that their radiance might cast some light on his pasty white skin and provide him with the vitamin D his housebound lifestyle deprives him of, white knighting on their behalf, charging into battle wielding his broken keyboard in one hand and shitty webcam in the other, looking for all the world like Gollum in a badly fitting black afro wig the night after he's been out on the piss.

Naturally the reward for such unbridled devotion and loyalty was that he often had his accounts suspended and terminated which was often met with a great mass outpouring of sorrow and emotion from the whole internets.

During the hight of his stardom, whenever there was internet drama, like a costumed superhero, he would come dashing to the rescue and bombard the unrighteous foes of the defenceless with literally hundreds of badly shot, out of focus videos in which he could hardly be heard speaking due to an annoying background hiss, and then he would lay in wait like a ninja, waiting for the foe to comment and then unleash a barrage of endless badly spelt replies, all missing the letter "H" This would give the original victim time to escape, which they would do, leaving Josh battling away all on his own in somebody else's argument.

This went on for years as Josh desperately searched the internets, yearning for that special drama that he could claim for himself that would be all his own.

One day his dreams would eventually come true, but that's another story (see below).

The Josh Clark Look

The Josh Clark Look is an acquired appearance and is best described as the look a person has when they have neither bathed or slept in a considerable amount of time. It has been described as a cheaper alternative to "heroin chic", more akin to "meths drinker's hangover" and is best achieved by setting a Goth on fire and then pulling them backwards through a thorn bush

The emaciated look is the result of not being able to eat because he is too busy battling trolls on the internets.

The hardest part of all is achieving the skin tone of a freshly exhumed corpse which can only be achieved by staying inside, away from sunlight for days upon end with all the curtains drawn, however because of this, he lives in permanent dread of his internet connection failing or that he ever has to go outside during the day.

Asheistheraven. deprived of drama and exposed to sunlight.

In fact its safe to say that he is one scruffy, ugly mother fucker.

Despite this, he aspires to be a male model and an actor.

Asheistheraven. striking his best modelling pose.

For this, as well as many other reasons, despite swinging both ways and so potentially doubling his chances, Josh has trouble getting laid and when he does find someone who is as desperate for human attention as he is, they have the overwhelming urge to beat seven shades of shit out of him on a daily basis.

Della Winters

Maybe it was because he's an ugly mother fucker, maybe it was because he's overly creative, or maybe it was because he's just a cunt, Josh found that, despite being an infamous drama superhero capable of banishing any foe that came his way, his powers seemed to be waning and no matter how many badly spelt comments and replies he left ,or how many out of focus videos he made of himself mumbling, some enemies appeared to be immune to his powers, so he decided that he needed a sidekick.

This being Josh, the sidekick couldn't be an ordinary sidekick, someone he could rely oon in a flame war. This sidekick had to be special.

Enter Della Winters.

Della Winters

Despite looking like the ugly stick had been broken across his face as a child, Josh proclaimed to the internets that Della was his girlfriend but Della was so much more than that.

As it turned out, Della was a woman that Josh had known since his childhood who he'd been to school with. She was a dazzling student and went on to win a place at Oxford University, one of the country's top academic establishments, to study psychology where she graduated with first class honours at the top of her class and went on to earn her PhD. At the time she was one of the most promising young psychologists in the country and was set for greatness, but something was missing. There was an emptiness in her life that she just couldn't fill.

So she quit and became a pornstar.

Sexy Della Winters

Swapping fame and fortune and academic recognition for facials and anal and being recognised by old men, Della endured, but it was not for nothing, for one day during a girl on girl action scene she met Angela, the love of her life and it was at that moment that she realised what it was that she had always wanted to be...

...~~a lumberjack~~

...a lesbian

She married Angela and life was blissfully happy for a while until one day she just happened to be walking through Josh's one bedroom apartment in Springfield when she came across Josh, which was ironic, as having known that his childhood friend was a pornstar, and because he'd been avidly following her career, Josh had been coming across Della for years (well across her photos at least, which possibly explains why the "H" key on his keyboard doesn't work). What she was doing there, we will never know, however what we do know is that it was unlikely that she could have just happened to have bumped into him anywhere else, given that he spends all day sat with his hand down the front of his pyjamas, in a darkened room in front of his computer, arguing with people on the internets.

Passion overtook her and one thing lead to another so they headed off to Vagas and checked into a hotel and a few days later she found out she was pregnant with Josh's love-child

Being the epic perv that he is, Josh took his camera along for the ride, presumably because he doesn't get a ride very often and he wanted a memento, and besides, he also wanted to post her photos on the interwebs so he would have something to argue over, but being Josh, he couldn't do this the easy way. He had to jump in his time machine and travel back to 2007 to post them all over the interwebs, pretending that they were of someone called Anya.

Della's Gallery

About missing Pics

Della in the bathroom
Della still in the bathroom without pants
Della waiting for Josh to ram-fuck her up the ass
The tardis that Josh used to go back to 2007 to post the pictures on the interwebs.

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

{{{5}}}

How could she explain all of this to her wife?

Well as it turned out, quite easily, as her wife was completely fine with the situation and didn't have any problems with her wife sneaking off to have illicit sex in hotels in Las Vagas, but unbeknownst to Della, there was trouble on the horizon.

She was having headaches and feeling dizzy, and though at first she though it might be because she was pregnant, when she went to have a medical exam it turned out that she had...

...a BRAIN TUMOUR!!!

What are the chances of that?

As it happened, this turned out to be a blessing in disguise as since she had become pregnant with Josh's child, it appeared that some of Josh had rubbed off on her (and unfortunately she couldn't get a cream for it) and so she had also taken to whiling away her days, sat in her pyjamas, at home in a darkened room in front of the computer, arguing with people on the internets and helping Josh with his superhero duties.

Because ex-pornstar lesbians are rarely popular, Josh introduced her to all of his lesbian friends who had never shown the slightest sign of sexual interest in Josh, given that they were lesbians and Josh was both a man and a bloody ugly one at that, and as it turned out, they got on like a house on fire with her, sometimes talking long into the night with her about the most deeply personal things imaginable.

She even talked to some of Josh's male friends about deeply personal things too.

Strangely, she apparently never appeared on camera and only ever communicated by text chat (you can see where this is going can't you?)

During this time, with Della riding shotgun, Josh was unstoppable in his battles on the internets as whenever he ran into difficulties he just tagged Della who would instantly jump into the affray and pick up exactly where Josh had left off and pound Josh's foes into submission, because on the internets, nobody can defeat a pregnant lesbian ex-pornstar with brain cancer.

For a while, things were good, but it could never last forever.

Della's cancer got worse and then she lost the baby and Josh was devastated and the situation was so sorrowful that even Josh's foes laid down their battered keyboards and called a truce, offering them both kind words of support and sympathy during such heartbreak and hardship.

But things would get much worse...

Fatal Error Network

The rather aptly named Fatal Error Network was at the time, just the latest doomed venture that Josh had embarked on. It was apparently some sort of shitty video site that Josh hoped would one day rival YouTube, however it was doomed from the start mainly due to Josh's involvement. While it is often said that Josh is utterly talentless, this isn't technically accurate as it turns out that Josh is very good at one thing in particular.

As it turns out, that thing isn't designing websites.

For this reason, Josh recruited a whole bunch of people to build his website for him, leaving him free to concentrate on the things he excelled at, namely arguing with people.

While Josh's unpaid helpers slowly built Josh's website out of egg cartons, yoghurt pots, cereal boxes and double sided sticky tape, Josh devoted himself to having blazing rows with anyone who attempted to use the site, especially if they pointed out that it was shit and barely worked (which wasn't true because most of the time, like Josh, it didn't work at all). He was unbeatable with Della at his side, because who could argue with a gravely ill lesbian, confined to a hospital bed with brain cancer, who had just had a miscarriage (presumably the kind of hospital bed with internet access for patients in induced comas)?

Exiled

As it turns out, the person who could argue with a gravely ill lesbian, confined to a hospital bed with brain cancer who had just had a miscarriage was a YouTube user known as Template:Youtube2 because she had been paying very close attention to Josh and, like one or two other people, she had put two and two together and worked out that there was a lot more wrong with Della than a head full of cancer and that it was entirely possible that Josh was completely full of shit and was lying his arse off about the whole thing.

As it turned out she had a blog and just happened to like writing and boy, was she good at it.

Josh Clark is Della Winters, Della winters is Josh Clark

The moment that the "Your article has now been published" message appear on Xxxild's screen, Josh couldn't have been any more fucked if he was bent over a table and remorselessly arse raped from dusk until sunrise by a gang of gay sex maniacs with oversized cocks pumped up on bathsalts.

There just isn't any coming back from something like that but don't think that Josh didn't try. He spent a whole week stalling for time while he told everyone that he would produce definite proof that Della Winters was actually a real person and that he hadn't been having cyber sex with people all over the internets pretending to be a hot lesbian pornstar. Strangely, for some unknown reason, from the very moment that Xxxild's blog post was posted, Della vanished into thin air and hasn't been seen or heard from since, even by Josh, who is apparently mystified as to why nobody seems to believe him.

It turns out that a lot of people on the interwebs had this reaction that week

Finally, under relentless pressure to admit that he was a lying scumbag, he ragequit youtube, vowing never ever to return again

His new YouTube channel can be found here: Template:Youtube2

His other YouTube channel can be found here: Template:Youtube2

Yet another one of his YouTube channels can be found here: Template:Youtube2

He has others but to be honest, nobody gives a fuck anymore and just wishes that he would just fuck off and die.

Unfortunately it's unlikely that we have heard the last from Josh Clark

A more honest appraisal of the situation

The Mysterious Mrs E

Following his fall from grace and permanent departure from the interwebs, Josh moved onto other things.

Having been exposed as a manipulative lying scumbag on YouTube he instead turned to facebook where he had literally hundreds of good looking and insanely interesting friends who nobody had ever heard of on YouTube (the lessons of life just don't seem to sink in with this guy). Eventually he hatched a plan to exact his revenge and show once and for all that he was capable of actually achieving something worthwhile ~~all on his own~~ with the help of lots of other people suckered into doing all the hard work for free while he milked all the glory and undermined their efforts by having blazing rows with people.

He collected together as many beautifully attractive and insanely talented people as he could find and then told them that he wouldn't be needing them and then turned to the collection of violently ugly and talentless pig fuckers he had remaining and invited them to join him in the production of an epic sci-fi extravaganza based around the concept of a quirky and eccentric hero who just happened to be the owner of a tea shop that was really some kind of advanced device that had the ability to travel in space and time, and who would wear quirky clothes and go on adventures defeating powerful enemies and wasn't remotely, in any way possible, a complete rip off of Dr Who.

After six months worth of effort the group finally managed to upload three five minute episodes of the series which generally involved them reciting corny dialogue to CGI characters in front of a green screen in a way that gives the viewer the feeling that they are watching a bunch of sixth graders butchering Torchwood in a school play.

So far none of the people involved have worked out that Josh is only doing this to silence his critics on the interwebs who say that he is nothing but a talentless scam artist who leeches off the efforts of others, creating endless drama for his own twisted amusement until he has left them emotionally drained.

As it turns out, a rather kind review of Mrs E, amongst other things

The internets will be watching how the project progresses (but not for the acting), waiting for it to implode when the people involved realise that all the things people are saying about Josh on the interwebs are true.

Links

Template:Youtube2 Fuck Mrs E, who the fuck is Mrs W?
Template:Youtube2 When he's not pretending to be MrsDellaWinters
Template:Youtube2 Another of Josh's projects that was doomed from the start
Xxxild's article exposing Josh Josh gets exposed as being a creepy perv with a split personality
mysteriousmrse.com definitely not a rip off of Dr Who
http://obsessedorwhat.blogspot.com.au/ Josh's blog where he writes obout people who call him out on his douchbaggery
Ashe Exposed from a anomymous tipster Reposted comment/s that were originally posted

on the comment section of obsessedorwhat's blog before he got butthurt and went into hitler mode because he got owned.

Obsessedorwhat's Twitter Where Ashe tries to defends his actions against the accusations of XXlid aka damagereport the person that exposed him, and others that love to troll the truth out of him, but keeps lying his ass off every step of the way.

Asheistheraven is part of a series on Dying Alone

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