Amy Winehouse

This page contains spoilers — important plot secrets and/or conclusions may be revealed. For example,
HOLY SHIT SHE'S FINALLY DEAD!!!1

OH GOD HOW DID THIS GET HERE I AM NOT GOOD WITH COMPUTER

Amy "Wino" Crackhouse^✡ (née Amilée Chateau in Frenchese) is was (lol) a drug-addled, alcoholic Jewish attention whore wigger from England known less for her sultry jazz singing and moar for being a self-destructive drama queen of Pete Doherty proportions. When people see her, they yell "Who let this ugly piece of shit in here?". As tactfully pointed out by Scottish comedian Frankie Boyle, Amy looks like a RSPCA promo poster for neglected horses. They tried to make her go to rehab, but she said "no, no, no" and instead went to the bank with a load of cash up her butt from exploiting her own vulnerabilities. Musically, she is influenced entirely by black music, first 'borrowing' classic smoky jazz-club stylings for her first album and then stealing the Motown classics note-for-note on her second.

Musical Career

To date, Winehouse has released two CDs of her retarded warbling. The first, entitled "Frank" was released in 2003 and legend has it that if you play both albums backwards they sound very fucking similar. Someone had to call the wahhhhmbulance because her managers wanted her to go to a rehabilitation facility for being a drunken whore. Her reply? Not "no, no, no" this time, but she did write a repetitious song about it that everyone went batshit over. This single is proof, once again, that Jews are in charge of the record industry, and that they can make anything a hit.

Family Life

Luckily for this pro-ana trainwreck, she has a highly supportive network of family members. Stand-up citizens include:

The Husband

Honest and caring husband, Blake Fielder-Civil is currently enjoying the company of Bubba, in Prison, due to a failed attempt to intimidate witnesses, perverting the course of justice, and being a tough guy. After enjoying the attention of his fellow inmates for a few months many believe that any attraction Blake had for Amy will immediately vanish, only to be replaced by a powerful and primal urge for anal violation.

Apparently Blake's love of the folding is strong indeed, desperate to stay on the wino gravytrain he's asking for $6,000,000 in a divorce settlement. Chances of this happening are slim (though not as slim as Winehouse) due to the difficulty of extracting Jew gold. Although, he may have a case for spousal abuse:

	“	I'll beat up Blake when I'm drunk. I don't think I have ever bruised him, but I do have my way. If he says one thing I don't like then I'll chin him.	„
	—Amy Winehouse, on her husband

Her Father

Her father Mitch appears to crave the bright lights and endless attention of the celebrity life too! Aware that life might be tough for Amy he is seeking to have her committed to a safe environment. When faced with the charge that he may be at least partially responsible for her 'problems' he simply replies "No U" Sadly Mitch is neither a talented musician and is notable only because of the lolcow which he spawned.

	“	I want her sectioned. The situation is getting out of control. I want her off the street. I don't think being somewhere (in rehab) for six weeks is going to cure her problems. I think it needs far more radical measures.	„
	—Mitch Winehouse, on his daughter

The Crazy Bitch and Her Issues

A visual recreation of Ms. Winehouse's weekly intake, prepared by Interpol

Here is a sample of things Ms. Winehouse has been accused of:

Being a Jew
Drug Abuse
Eating disorders (she has admitted to anorexia and bulimia, and several undiscovered disorders.)
Self-injury
Bipolar disorder which she has admitted she refuses to control with medication, preferring to be an alcoholic emo fucktard.
Drugs
Being English
Having retarded tattoos
Being a Jew
Spousal abuse (hitting her husband lololol)
Smoking crack PROOF!
Burning out the eyes of paparazzi unlucky enough to snap photographs of her during the ungodly hours of the morning. dumbwhore
Alcohol

...

Oh, and Drugs

How She Can FIX FUCKING EVERYTHING

1) Gain at least ten pounds

2) Stop wearing so much fucking black eye makeup

3) Dye hair a non-emo color

4) Slow down on the drugs.

5) ????

6) PROFIT!

7) Repeat step eight through ten.

Winehouse OTI

Perez Hilton

Famed internets faggot Perez Hilton has become completely and uncontrollably obsessed with this dumb alcoholic whore for no apparent reason. Despite the existence of much more famous crazy bitches he posts shit about Amy Winehouse constantly, giving her much more publicity than she deserves. WE ALREADY KNOW SHE'S A DUMB WHORE, WE DON'T HAVE TO BE TOLD EVERY 5 MINUTES.

Amy Winehouse Goes Straight

Recently it was revealed that Amy Winehouse has quit drugs and alcohol, and is no longer in trouble with the law. In fact, according to Wikipedia, Mrs. Winehouse has never had any substance abuse problems nor has she ever committed a crime. It was all apparently just a typical tabloid smear campaign and none of those things ever really happened.

She's an adult baby!

The paparazzi get in position for the money shot, only to be cock blocked by a device used to control incontinence, normal everyday wear for toddlers, and, apparently, drug addled twenty-something women.

According to a completely accurate celebrity blog recently, Amy Winehouse had taken to wearing "nappies", an English term for diapers:

“	Prepare to fall in love with Amy Winehouse all over again, as a German newspaper is reporting today that she has now begun to wear a diaper whenever she leaves the house. It’s a hot image, yes? Just the idea of Amy Winehouse, drunk and high and slurring her already indecipherable accent. "Oh bugger, I've gone an' soiled my knickers I have."	„
—OH SHI-

Oh god, I can’t be the only one who is totally turned on right now.

Videos

Brought to you by a shitty Brazilian TV Show

Death: She died in her Coked up husbands arms. http://www.nme.com/news/amy-winehouse/46330

	“	I was panicking. I didn't know know how to help her. I was out of it on drugs as well - and was sobbing and crying out, 'Amy!'	„
	—Mr Winehouse

Midgets make everything better.

Dead

Well, that was quick. On July 23rd, Miss Winehouse was found dead by the police in her London home, presumably in a puddle of her own puke and shit. This followed a month of drug-induced fail, including a performance in which she stumbled onto the staged, mumbled out a string of garbled and unintelligible lyrics, and where she "appeared removed from reality" throughout the entire performance. Her attendents, who were under instruction to remove all alcohol from her room, clearly failed. The performance was so bad and flew onto JewTube so quickly that she had no choice but to cancel her tour. These things happen when you don't want to go to rehab. This pathetic lifestyle will be a good lesson to all the little kiddies that if you are so weak willed that you fly of the rails every time you're even near drink or drugs you will end up dead and covered in your own piss like this sad cunt.

We here at ED believe she may just be our next celebrity an hero. Stand by for updates.

Gallery

Elvira?! Is that you?!
I just lost my baby fat
Caught on film smoking crack in front of a wedding photo
Amy, drunk off her ass.
Pissed again, but in this one she's a little more coherent...because she's also on meth.
There's tons of these on the internet
here's another
and another
The only time Amy Winehouse has ever been seen to eat anything, ever.