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[[Image:Fleshlight1.gif|frame|center|Oh i'm sure it does [[Dave Kelly|Dave]].... [[sarcasm|Sure it does]].]]
[[Image:Fleshlight1.gif|frame|center|Sure it does, [[Dave Kelly|Dave]]. Sure it does.]]
[[Image:Fleshy4.gif|frame|center|And if you buy one you probably ''were'' sitting at home jerking off on prom night.]]
[[Image:Fleshlight_toon.gif|frame|center|You selfish bastard, it's always about you, isn't it?!]]  
[[Image:Fleshlight_toon.gif|frame|center|You selfish bastard, it's always about you, isn't it?!]]  
A '''fleshlight''' is a sex toy made for people who, for some reason, lack the ability to use the perfectly good hand that [[Slut|Mother Nature]] has given them to use to simulate the feeling of secks. It's basically a rubber [[cunt|vagina]] in an enclosure that even Helen Keller wouldn't mistake for a flashlight, with “''2 million dollars spent in research and development''”.  In other words it is money well-spent to satisfy the pathetic needs of [[basement dwellers]], whilst laminating their [[virginity|V cards]] in the process.
'''Fleshlight''' is a sex toy made for people who, for some reason, lack the ability to use the perfectly good hand that Mother Nature has given them to use to simulate the feeling of sex. With “''2 million dollars spent in research and development''”, it is money well-spent to satisfy the pathetic needs of [[basement dwellers]], whilst laminating their [[virginity|V cards]] in the process.
<br>
If you should choose to shove your tiny cock into one of these rubbery death traps, it will get smaller than it already is and you won't be able to pleasure even the most common of whores.
Fleshlights come in many varieties ranging from mouths, asses, vaginas, and [[your mom|whatever else to suit your sexual needs]]. They also come in pink and clear, for the people who enjoy fucking raw shrimp. Note that all the types and colors feel the same, and it's just to satisfy your greedy needs. ([[You]] are probably the most likely person on Earth to buy one of each color, inner texture, case color, and type. Geek.) The makers of the fleshlight can easily make claims that it [[lie|"feels just like the real thing"]] because they know that 99.9% of the [[basement dwelling]] [[neckbeard]]s who buy the product have never experienced a real [[pussy]] and probably never will. If the makers of fleshlight ''really'' wanted to make increase their [[profit]]s ten-fold, they would appeal to the [[furry]] market by making a series of dog vaginas for these [[sick fuck]]s.  Unsurprisingly many threads in /[[b]]/ pop up from time to time with people considering buying one, while [[cooldude|others]] laugh their asses off at the original poster.
{{quote|[[Bullshit|I am an ordained pastor, PHd, successful businessman, martial artist, father of seven, satisfied husband]]. The product was a challenge for me intellectually and morally until I thought it through, then I realized that a quality surrogate was a great solution to an ancient problem - the feeling of freedom, the release of guilt, the incredible sensation - just telling it like it is.|[http://www.fleshlight.com/main/testimonials.php Holy Wanker]|Does anyone have a clue about what the fuck he's talking about?}}
                       
==Fleshlight Videos==
[[File:Fleshlight_redundancy.png|thumb|350px|[[YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG]] when you choose to fuck a fake vagina over a real one.]]
[[File:Amazon_world_of_warcraft_fleshlight.jpg|thumb|[[surprise|surprise?]]]]


{{fv|starvids|background-color: white;|font-weight: bold;|<youtube>Pfs6YAYeJ10</youtube>|<youtube>YVcydqSpYN00</youtube>|<youtube>zSa2us0jkHI</youtube>|<youtube>qQRbO-dgBMg</youtube>|<youtube>nwKAtUbNloQ</youtube>|<youtube>Gcusl4jv2_U</youtube>|<youtube>tKQOSikXiow</youtube>}}
Fleshlights come in many varieties ranging from [[:File:VampireFleshlight.jpg|mouth]], anus, and [[your mom|whatever else to suit your sexual needs]]. Besides pink, they also come clear, for people who enjoy fucking raw shrimp.


The makers of Fleshlight can easily make claims that it [[lie|"feels just like the real thing"]] because they know that 99% of the buyers have never experienced a real [[pussy]] and probably never will. Made out of pink bubblegum, the fleshlight is the most unnatural alternative to a cunt you will ever feel. It also comes in variety of 'textures',  one of which only appears in the natural world during an [[STD]] outbreak. [[Pedobear]] is said to have designed the 'ultra-tight' one just for [[you]]. You'll love it.         
[[Image:Textures.jpg|frame|center|Either way, it'll feel like you're humping [[DBZ|Majin Buu]].]]
==Raids==
On August 30th and September 21st, the fleshlight.com customer service Live Help chat was subject of massive raids. Many people answered stupid fucking questions as politely as possible because they were at work. It is to be expected that you'll get trolled working for a sex toy company, so there was no remorse.
<center><gallery>
Image:Accidentally the whole.jpg|Ahmed gets his cherry pooped
Image:Ahmedfleshlight.jpg|[[Arab|Sand Nigger]]
Image:Ryanfleshlight1.jpg|Ryan first starting out
Image:Ryanfleshlight4.jpg|Ryan's catching on...
Image:Ryanfleshlight2.jpg|the problem isn't on Ryan's end
Image:Ryanfleshlight3.jpg|No, thank you.
Image:RyanOrJeremyFleshlight.jpg|Ryan??... You decide.
Image:Accidentfleshlightcraftyyy.jpg|Thomas gets pwned with style!
</gallery></center>
             
==Videos==
<center>{{fv|Fleshlight videos|background-color: white;|font-weight: bold;
|<youtube>Pfs6YAYeJ10</youtube>
|<youtube>qQRbO-dgBMg</youtube>
|<youtube>nwKAtUbNloQ</youtube>
|<youtube>Gcusl4jv2_U</youtube>
|<youtube>tKQOSikXiow</youtube>}}</center>


==Gallery==
==Gallery==
<gallery>
{{cg||Fleshlight Gallery|center|<gallery perrow="5">
Image:PinkButt.jpg|[[GNAA|Gay nigger]] approved!
Image:Fleshlight_motivation.jpg
Image:Innovation(good).jpg
Image:doglight.jpg|Dogfuckers get in on the fun...
Image:My Little Pony Friendship Is Magic Fleshlight Pony Collection.jpg|And so do [[Bronies]]
</gallery>|<gallery>
Image:Amazon_world_of_warcraft_fleshlight.jpg
Image:Fleshy4.gif|And if you buy one you probably ''were'' sitting at home jerking off on prom night.
Image:Fleshlight.jpg|vagina in a convenient package.
Image:Fleshlight.jpg|vagina in a convenient package.
Image:Froglight.png|[[GET OUT|GET IN]]
Image:Froglight.png|[[GET OUT|GET IN]]
Image:0.69 Caliber.jpg|Fleshlight, now catering for gun fucking red necks.
Image:0.69 Caliber.jpg|Fleshlight, now catering for gun fucking red necks.
Image:PinkButt.jpg|For [[gay|closetcases]] too!
Image:Fleshlight_motivation.jpg|Motivate me, /b/!
Image:Fleshlightowner.GIF|[http://www.miscellaneousetc.com/index.php/2004/12/01/hilarious-sex-toy-round-up-fleshlight/ This review] brought out a butthurt response by an obvious fleshlight owner.
Image:Fleshlightowner.GIF|[http://www.miscellaneousetc.com/index.php/2004/12/01/hilarious-sex-toy-round-up-fleshlight/ This review] brought out a butthurt response by an obvious fleshlight owner.
Image:Lol-wut_fleshlight.png|The Fleshlight for those who liek [[Azn]] [[vagoo]].
Image:Lol-wut_fleshlight.png|The Fleshlight for those who liek [[Azn]] [[vagoo]].
Line 30: Line 51:
Image:Howdoifleshlight.jpg|Can you help me, Ryan?
Image:Howdoifleshlight.jpg|Can you help me, Ryan?
Image:futanarifleshlight.jpg|Even futanari love teh fleshlight.
Image:futanarifleshlight.jpg|Even futanari love teh fleshlight.
Image:Innovation(good).jpg|Fan+Fleshlight=Awesome
Image:Yoda fleshlight.jpg|Typical Fleshlight setup.
Image:Yoda fleshlight.jpg|Typical Fleshlight setup.
Image:doglight.jpg|Now furries can have fleshlights,too!
Image:Lampreyfleshlight.png|Fuck it. What's the worst that could happen?
Image:Lampreyfleshlight.png|Fuck it. What's the worst that could happen?
Image:Fleshshit.jpg|The [[loli]] model
Image:Fleshshit.jpg
Image:Fleshlightmailfail.jpg|Your neighbors are sure to fuck your shit if it goes to the wrong house.
Image:Gn.gif|[[GNAA|gay nigger]] approved
Image:Masturbation.jpg|Bust a nut while you bust a ghost
Image:Masturbation.jpg|Bust a nut while you bust a ghost
File:Cyborg fleshlight.jpg|For [[Transformers]] fanboys.
Image:Cyborg fleshlight.jpg|For [[Transformers]] fanboys.
File:Skyrim dragon fleshlight dildo lube.jpg
Image:Skyrim dragon fleshlight dildo lube.jpg
File:My Little Pony Friendship Is Magic Fleshlight Pony Collection.jpg
</gallery>}}
</gallery>
 
==[[Copypasta]]==
This is a copypasta that has circulated around [[b|/b/]] that [[divide by zero|divides despair by zero]]. It originally was a true post by someone on the fleshlight website's forums titled [http://forums.fleshlight.com/showthread.php?t=3135 Fleshlight makes me want to kill myself.]
{| cellspacing="4"
|- valign="top"
|width="100%" style="border: 10px solid #FFFFEE; color:#800; background: #fca; padding:14px"|
It's not the Fleshlight's fault, really. Just the fact that trying to use the one I ordered for my 34th birthday has rammed home the basic fact that I am a loser and that I am never going to get laid in my life.
 
I am apparently both too small and too big to use the Fleshlight. Small in the {{wordfilter|text=PENIS}} and big in the grossly overweight stomach. The result is that I apparently can't get very deep into the thing and experience the ribbing and other textures.
 
I ordered four inserts at once, three supertights with the three sorts of textures -- wave, ribbed, bumped -- and one ultratight. With all of them I have been having an incredible struggle to find a comfortable position to get in with my enormous stomach to allow for using the thing long enough to get off. I apparently developed a way to masturbate by hand that deluded myself into thinking I was normal. I am obviously not. I can only seem to go about an inch and a half into this Fleshlight before my fat gets in the way and the smallness of my {{wordfilter|text=PENIS}} defeat the purpose. The incredible depression of the experience makes it hard for me to stay erect as the whole time I am thinking about what a deformed, out-of-shape loser I am, so I end up only half hard or less.
 
Today is my 34th birthday. I have never had a girlfriend in my life, due to being a shy fatass with an ugly skin condition that I was afraid of having anyone see by taking my clothes off. I am so incredibly fucking lonely and depressed. I just want to be able to hug a woman, to hold her in my arms. Sex is frankly secondary to me, which is lucky given that I haven't had any except with my own hand.
 
I bought this thing thinking I would treat myself and make myself happier, but it has just driven home how fucked I am. I guess my only hope at this point is to find a woman who doesn't mind me only using oral sex on her because my {{wordfilter|text=PENIS}} obviously doesn't work very well.
|}
 
Lesson: '''DO SOME SIT-UPS [[fat|FATTY]]!!!!'''
 
The man who posted that thread, posted one other thread on the fleshlight forums, [http://forums.fleshlight.com/showthread.php?t=7880 this one] where he took bad care of his fleshlight and ended up ruining it.
 
==Material==
Made out of pink bubblegum, and flesh that's peeled of the pavement after a [[Suicide |jumper]] has made a [[An Hero|victorious ending]]; the fleshlight is the most unnatural alternative to a cunt you will ever feel. It also comes in variety of 'textures',  one of which only appears in the natural world during an [[STD]] outbreak. [[Pedobear]] is said to have designed the 'ultra-tight' one just for [[you]]. You'll love it.         
[[Image:Textures.jpg|frame|center|Either way it's still going to feel like humping [[DBZ|Majin Buu]].]]
 
==Raid==
On the 30th of August, there was a massive raid of the www.fleshlight.com customer service Live Help chat. /b/lackup was called, and lulz were had. Many people answered stupid fucking questions as politely as possible because they were at work. It is to be expected that you'll get trolled working for a sex toy company, so there was no remorse. Many people answered calls and chat window; among them Felsiberto, Ahmed, Todd, some dumb bitch, and of course Ryan.
 
Ryan actually had a sense of humor and went along with the many forced memes thrown at him, like [[mudkips]] as well people claiming to [[I accidentally X| accidentally an entire fleshlight]].
 
Another raid ensued on September 21st, causing even more lulz, especially for [[Newfags|those who missed out]]. Turns out, Ryan found his way to /b/ and even began posting there. His dick was jumped on immediately by many an anon.
 
===Raid Gallery===
<gallery>
Image:Accidentally the whole.jpg|Ahmed gets his cherry pooped
Image:Ahmedfleshlight.jpg|[[Arab|Sand Nigger]]
Image:Ryanfleshlight1.jpg|Ryan first starting out
Image:Ryanfleshlight4.jpg|Ryan's catching on...
 
Image:Ryanfleshlight2.jpg|the problem isn't on Ryan's end
Image:Ryanfleshlight3.jpg|No, thank you.
Image:RyanOrJeremyFleshlight.jpg|Ryan??... You decide.
Image:Accidentfleshlightcraftyyy.jpg|Thomas gets pwned with style!
</gallery>
 
The Raid stopped being funny when they shut down their chat center that night, and Ryan was declared a GODlol. After that, the [[newfags]] got a hold of the raid and promptly broke [[Rules 1 and 2]] by LINKING HIM TO /b/. Regardless of the fail, the screenshots taken of the raid are still floating around; once in a blue fucking moon you'll find a new one that doesn't suck. But mostly, it's newfags repeating what we did the first time.
 
The Ryantology commandments to be posted here later, bitch.
 
== Fleshlight Community ==
 
The Fleshlight community is one of the most pathetic fandoms on the [[interwebs]], where men brag about owning over 20 fleshlights, loyally follow Fleshlight on [[Facebook]] and [[Twitter]] using their public profiles, and comparing cock sizes.
 
==Also see==
The lulzy Japanese answer to the Fleshlight; the perfect imported gift for Americunts who love getting their rocks off to anime; a combination of Ramen and dickbang called the [http://wackyjapanese.pandemonium.de/2008/03/04/cup-nude/ "Cup Nude."] 
 
It wins.  Srsly.
 
[[Last thursday]] a [[spanish]] version of Fleshlight appeared: '''MASTURB&Iacute;N, Carmen de Mairena Edition'''.
This version is based on the spanish [[trap|sex-symbol]] Carmen de Mairena. It features a realistic feel and taste that [[fail|makes you believe]] you are doing Carmen.


==Links==
==Links==
Line 108: Line 64:
*[http://www.realtouch.com/dispatcher/home Fleshlight 2.0]
*[http://www.realtouch.com/dispatcher/home Fleshlight 2.0]
*[http://www.homemade-sex-toys.com/flashlight/ Make your own Fleshlight with a potato chip can!]
*[http://www.homemade-sex-toys.com/flashlight/ Make your own Fleshlight with a potato chip can!]
*[http://web.archive.org/web/20101024220551/http://wackyjapanese.pandemonium.de/2008/03/04/cup-nude/ Japan's answer to the Fleshlight]
{{Dying_Alone}}
{{Dying_Alone}}
{{sex}}
{{sex}}
[[Category:Sex]]
[[Category:Sex]]

Revision as of 04:04, 3 September 2012

Sure it does, Dave. Sure it does.
You selfish bastard, it's always about you, isn't it?!

Fleshlight is a sex toy made for people who, for some reason, lack the ability to use the perfectly good hand that Mother Nature has given them to use to simulate the feeling of sex. With “2 million dollars spent in research and development”, it is money well-spent to satisfy the pathetic needs of basement dwellers, whilst laminating their V cards in the process.

Fleshlights come in many varieties ranging from mouth, anus, and whatever else to suit your sexual needs. Besides pink, they also come clear, for people who enjoy fucking raw shrimp.

The makers of Fleshlight can easily make claims that it "feels just like the real thing" because they know that 99% of the buyers have never experienced a real pussy and probably never will. Made out of pink bubblegum, the fleshlight is the most unnatural alternative to a cunt you will ever feel. It also comes in variety of 'textures', one of which only appears in the natural world during an STD outbreak. Pedobear is said to have designed the 'ultra-tight' one just for you. You'll love it.

Either way, it'll feel like you're humping Majin Buu.

Raids

On August 30th and September 21st, the fleshlight.com customer service Live Help chat was subject of massive raids. Many people answered stupid fucking questions as politely as possible because they were at work. It is to be expected that you'll get trolled working for a sex toy company, so there was no remorse.

  • Ahmed gets his cherry pooped
    Ahmed gets his cherry pooped
  • Sand Nigger
    Sand Nigger
  • Ryan first starting out
    Ryan first starting out
  • Ryan's catching on...
    Ryan's catching on...
  • the problem isn't on Ryan's end
    the problem isn't on Ryan's end
  • No, thank you.
    No, thank you.
  • Ryan??... You decide.
    Ryan??... You decide.
  • Thomas gets pwned with style!
    Thomas gets pwned with style!

Videos

Previous Video | Next Video

Gallery

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

Links

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Their Methods

9gag ☠ Adventure Time ☠ An Hero ☠ AIDS ☠ Animu ☠ Alt-right ☠ Art School ☠ A-Log's Fanfiction ☠ ask.fm ☠ Asperger's Syndrome ☠ Assigned Male ☠ Bath Salts ☠ The Big Bang Theory ☠ Battle For Dream Island ☠ BlackLivesMatter ☠ Black metal ☠ Body Pillows ☠ BonziWORLD ☠ BitView ☠ Booze ☠ Bullying ☠ BuzzFeed ☠ Children's Cartoons ☠ Clown World ☠ Computer Science III ☠ Cosplay ☠ CumOnPrintedPics.Com ☠ Cuphead ☠ Dead Friend ☠ Death metal ☠ Death penalty ☠ Dating Sims ☠ DeviantART ☠ Discord ☠ Drugs ☠ Edginess ☠ Family Guy ☠ FanFiction ☠ Feminism ☠ Fedora ☠ Fidget spinner ☠ The Filthy Frank Show ☠ Five Nights at Freddy's ☠ Fleshlight ☠ Friend Zone ☠ FurAffinity ☠ Furry Art ☠ Fun Shitposting Wiki ☠ Garry's Mod ☠ Genshin Impact ☠ GoAnimate! ☠ Googlewhacking ☠ Gorillaz ☠ Goths ☠ Gravity Falls ☠ Green Day ☠ Greeny Phatom ☠ Grindcore ☠ Hacking ☠ Happy Madison Productions ☠ Homestuck‎ ☠ Hover hand‎ ☠ Hufflepuff ☠ High Score ☠ Incelcore ☠ Indie music ☠ Infantilism ☠ Insane Clown Posse ☠ Introvert ☠ Invisible Girlfriend ☠ IRC ☠ Jenkem ☠ Kiwi Farms ☠ Kotaku ☠ League of Legends ☠ Lego ☠ Libertarianism ☠ LiveJournal ☠ Lonely ☠ LoveShy ☠ Mai Waifu ☠ Mass Shootings ☠ Men's rights activism ☠ Minecraft ☠ MLP Forums ☠ MMORPGs ☠ MGTOW ☠ MUDs ☠ My Little Pony ☠ My Tiny Dick ☠ Nice Guyism ☠ Nu metal ☠ Oculus Rift ☠ Oh Shiternet ☠ Online dating ☠ Online sex games ☠ Overwatch ☠ Plastic Crap ☠ Plenty of Fish ☠ /r9k/ ☠ Rick and Morty ☠ Roblox ☠ Rule 34 ☠ RuneScape ☠ School Shootings ☠ Second Life ☠ Self-Victimization ☠ Shy Boys IRL ☠ Silk Screen Goku Shirt ☠ Slayer ☠ Slipknot ☠ Sluthate ☠ Smogon University ☠ Social Justice ☠ Source Filmmaker ☠ South Park ☠ Sparkalloon ☠ Speakonia ☠ Star vs. the Forces of Evil ☠ Steven Universe ☠ Taking the Internet Too Seriously ☠ Team Fortress 2 ☠ That Guy With The Glasses ☠ The Anytown Show ☠ The Entersphere ☠ The Sims ☠ They Might Be Giants ☠ Tomb Raider ☠ Tool ☠ Transformers ☠ Tulpas ☠ Tumblr ☠ TV Tropes ☠ twenty one pilots ☠ Uncharted ☠ Uncle Grandpa ☠ Uncyclopedia ☠ Undertale ☠ Unikitty ☠ UTTP ☠ VidLii ☠ Virginity ☠ Virtual Youtubers ☠ Vloggerheads ☠ WatchMojo.com ☠ Weezer ☠ Wikimania ☠ Wizardchan ☠ World of Warcraft ☠ YIIK: A Post-Modern RPG ☠ YouTube

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