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Asheistheraven: Difference between revisions
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[[File:Josh_Clark.jpg|thumb|right|[[drama_whore|Asheistheraven]] as an emaciated albino Sideshow Bob, only twice as fucked in the head, who just happens, as chance would have it, to live in a city in the US called Springfield. No, really.]] | [[File:Josh_Clark.jpg|thumb|right|[[drama_whore|Asheistheraven]] as an emaciated albino Sideshow Bob, only twice as fucked in the head, who just happens, as chance would have it, to live in a city in the US called Springfield. No, really.]] | ||
[[File:4fd6b2225001f.jpg|thumb|left| Josh trying to look [[Tryhard|sexy]]]] | [[File:4fd6b2225001f.jpg|thumb|left| Josh trying to look [[Tryhard|sexy]]]] | ||
[[File:JOSHFAGmodel.jpg|thumb|left|]] [[That_Fucking_Cat|That_Fucking_Cat]] | |||
'''Asheistheraven''' otherwise known as [[powerword|Josh Clark]], or more notoriously, [[Internet_Model|Della Winters]], is one of the many unwashed, undocumented immigrants who presently reside on the internet. He is one of the [[Basement_dweller|internet's more dedicated inhabitants]] choosing to spend almost his whole life sitting at home in his pyjamas, writing [[lame|snide]] comments on [[YouTube]] videos and constantly [[stalk|stalking]] people on [[Twitter]]. | '''Asheistheraven''' otherwise known as [[powerword|Josh Clark]], or more notoriously, [[Internet_Model|Della Winters]], is one of the many unwashed, undocumented immigrants who presently reside on the internet. He is one of the [[Basement_dweller|internet's more dedicated inhabitants]] choosing to spend almost his whole life sitting at home in his pyjamas, writing [[lame|snide]] comments on [[YouTube]] videos and constantly [[stalk|stalking]] people on [[Twitter]]. | ||
Revision as of 05:06, 22 March 2013
Asheistheraven otherwise known as Josh Clark, or more notoriously, Della Winters, is one of the many unwashed, undocumented immigrants who presently reside on the internet. He is one of the internet's more dedicated inhabitants choosing to spend almost his whole life sitting at home in his pyjamas, writing snide comments on YouTube videos and constantly stalking people on Twitter.
Over the years, when not pretending to be someone else, he has managed to perfect a very unique appearance all of his own, which is what you would get if you attempted to cross steampunk, goth and the unkempt, shaggy-haired "Just climbed out of the dumpster" look which defines him. If an even unfunnier Russell Brand was a dirty faggot-ass manwhore living out of a cardboard box, you wouldn't even get close to the rancid, shit-stain ridden, lanky, long streak of septic piss that you could say resembles Josh Clark.
When he isn't injecting himself into other people's arguments, he passes the time seducing unsuspecting people into having cyber sex with him as his alter ego Della Winters. He is also the single deadbeat father of a poor little abused child, whom he he keeps starved half to death so he can use her to pity-troll unsuspecting victims on the internet, tricking them into actually giving a fuck and feeling sorry for his worthless ass.
Background
Josh's early years are steeped in mystery mainly because he's a lying bastard and so anything that he tells anyone about himself is often complete bullshit but what is known, just like Josh, isn't pretty. What is known is that he's a bisexual immigrant who grew up in the UK before moving to the United States where he is now stuck, unable to find work, trapped at home all day looking after his teenage daughter, with nothing to wear other than his pajamas.
He first came to people's attention a number of years ago when he started to latch onto several well known youtubers, basking in their fame so that their radiance might cast some light on his pasty white skin and provide him with the vitamin D his housebound lifestyle deprives him of, white knighting on their behalf, charging into battle wielding his broken keyboard in one hand and shitty webcam in the other, looking for all the world like Gollum in a badly fitting black afro wig the night after he's been out on the piss.
Naturally the reward for such unbridled devotion and loyalty was that he often had his accounts suspended and terminated which was often met with a great mass outpouring of sorrow and emotion from the whole internets.
During the hight of his stardom, whenever there was internet drama, like a costumed superhero, he would come dashing to the rescue and bombard the unrighteous foes of the defenceless with literally hundreds of badly shot, out of focus videos in which he could hardly be heard speaking due to an annoying background hiss, and then he would lay in wait like a ninja, waiting for the foe to comment and then unleash a barrage of endless badly spelt replies, all missing the letter "H" This would give the original victim time to escape, which they would do, leaving Josh battling away all on his own in somebody else's argument.
This went on for years as Josh desperately searched the internets, yearning for that special drama that he could claim for himself that would be all his own.
One day his dreams would eventually come true, but that's another story (see below).
The Josh Clark Look
The Josh Clark Look is an acquired appearance and is best described as the look a person has when they have neither bathed or slept in a considerable amount of time. It has been described as a cheaper alternative to "heroin chic", more akin to "meths drinker's hangover" and is best achieved by setting a Goth on fire, pulling them backwards through a thorn bush and then putting the fire out with a shovel.
The emaciated look is not just because he's flat out shit broke and so cannot buy food since the other hobos in the local park ganged up on him and stole his "Will work for food" sign because it was an obvious lie, but also because he just isn't able to find the time to eat because he's too busy battling trolls on the internets and battling internet trolls is serious business.
The hardest to achieve part of all, and one the thing that is most recognisable about Josh, is that he has the skin tone of a freshly exhumed corpse which can only be attained by staying inside, away from sunlight for days and wekks on end with all the curtains drawn and only a laptop screen for illumination, however because of this, he lives in permanent dread of his internet connection failing, his computer breaking or worst of all, that he ever has to go outside during the day.
Despite this, he aspires to be a male model and an actor.
Asheistheraven professional male model, striking his best modelling pose.
For this, as well as many other reasons, despite swinging both ways and so potentially doubling his chances, Josh has trouble getting laid, and when he does find someone who turns out to be just as desperate for human attention as he is, they are either half his age or have the overwhelming urge to beat seven shades of shit out of him on a daily basis.
Josh's Daughter
DON'T EVER DARE MENTION JOSH'S DAUGHTER
If you do then Josh will literally explode with righteous anger and accuse you of putting his daughters life in serious jeopardy and you will have to spend the rest of your life wearing ashes and sack cloth and a big sign around your neck reading "I tried to get Josh's daughter murdered" as penance, despite the fact that the only reason anyone even knows he has a daughter is because he uses her to either pity-troll people into giving him free stuff, as a diversion when he gets his arse handed to him, or to guilt trip and shame his opponents into submission when he gets thoroughly owned.
No seriously don't pick on his daughter as she has more than enough to contend with dealing with the fact her mother had a Sideshow Bob fetish and that her father is a bisexual, unemployed, unwashed, undocumented immigrant who is hated by everybody.
Della Winters
Maybe it was because he's an ugly mother fucker, maybe it was because he's overly creative, or maybe it was because he's just a cunt, Josh found that, despite being a famous internet superhero capable of banishing any foe that came his way, his powers seemed to be waning and no matter how many badly spelt comments and replies he left, or how many out of focus videos he made of himself mumbling, some enemies appeared to be immune to his powers, so he decided that he needed a sidekick.
This being Josh, his sidekick couldn't just be an ordinary sidekick, someone he could rely on in a flame war. This sidekick had to be special.
...Enter Della Winters.
Despite looking like he'd just been liberated from a Nazi concentration camp in 1945, and still bearing the scars from when he was remorselessly beaten as a child with the ugly stick until it broke, out of the blue Josh one day proclaimed to the internets that Della was his new girlfriend, but Della was so much more than that.
As it turned out, Josh had known Della since his early childhood, meeting her on his first day of school. They became good friends growing up together, playing doctor and patient together, each taking turns at diagnosing each others fictitious illnesses. Being a dazzling student, she was obviously much better at it than he was because she went on to win a place at Oxford University, one of the country's top academic establishments, to study psychology where she graduated with first class honours at the top of her class and went on to earn her PhD, while Josh went to some crappy polytechnic and got the kind of degree that qualified him to work on the till at Starbucks. Meanwhile, Della was one of the most promising up and coming young psychologists in the country and was set for greatness, yet somehow there was something that was missing. There was an emptiness in her life that she just couldn't seem to fill.
So one day she decided to quit her career and became a porn actress.
Swapping fame and fortune and academic recognition for facials and anal and being recognised by old men in dirty raincoats and spotty teenage boys in the adult section at blockbusters, Della endured, but it wasn't all for nothing, for one day during one of the many long and arduous girl on girl action scenes she met Angela, the love of her life, and it was at that moment that she realised what it was that she had always wanted to be...
She married Angela and life was blissfully happy for a while, until one day, as fate would have it, she just happened to be walking through Josh's one bedroom apartment in Springfield, when she came across Josh, which was ironic, as having known that his childhood friend was a pornstar, and because he'd been avidly following her career as her biggest fan, Josh had been coming across Della for years (which possibly explains why the "H" key on his keyboard no longer works). What she was doing in Josh's appartment that day, we will never know, however what we do know is that it is highly unlikely that she could have just happened to have bumped into him anywhere else, given that he spends all day, every day, sat with his hand down the front of his pyjamas, in his darkened apartment, in front of his computer, arguing with people on the internets.
Passion overtook her and one thing lead to another so they headed off to Vagas and checked into a hotel and a few days later she found out she was pregnant with Josh's love-child
Being the epic perv that he is, Josh took his camera along for the ride, presumably because he doesn't get a ride very often and he wanted a memento, and besides, he also wanted to post her photos on the interwebs so he would have something to argue over, but being Josh, he couldn't do this the easy way. He had to jump in his time machine and travel back in time four or five years to 2007 to post them all over the interwebs, pretending that they were of someone called Anya.
Della's Gallery
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Della in the bathroom adjusting her makeup -
Della still in the bathroom but now without pants -
Della waiting by the bed for Josh to ram-fuck her up the ass -
The tardis that Josh used to go back to 2007 to post the pictures all over the interwebs.
How could Della explain all of this to her wife?
Well as it turned out, quite easily, as her wife Angela was completely fine with the situation and didn't have any problems with her partner sneaking off to have illicit sex in hotels in Las Vagas with strange men who looked like they collected fleas for a hobby, but unbeknownst to Della, there was trouble on the horizon.
She was having headaches and feeling dizzy, and though at first she though it might be because she was pregnant, when she went to have a medical exam it turned out that she had...
As it happened, this turned out to be a blessing in disguise as since she had become pregnant with Josh's child, it appeared that some of Josh had rubbed off on her (and unfortunately she couldn't get a cream for it) and so she'd also taken to whiling away her days, sat in her pyjamas, at home in a darkened room in front of the computer, arguing with people on the internets with a keyboard with a broken "H" key, and helping Josh with his superhero duties.
Because ex-pornstar lesbians are rarely popular, Josh introduced her to all of his lesbian friends who had never shown the slightest sign of sexual interest in Josh, given that they were lesbians and Josh was both a man and a bloody ugly one at that, and as it turned out, they got on like a house on fire with her, sometimes talking long into the night sharing their deepest secrets, hopes ,and fears and talking dirty to one another.
Sometimes she even talked dirty long into the night with some of Josh's male friends too.
Strangely, it apparently never occurred to anyone that, for someone who made a career of getting naked on camera and had pictures of herself on her twitter page, her youtube channel, her skype and all over Josh's website (see below), it was odd that she never appeared on camera and only ever communicated by text chat because she didn't want to be recognised from her days as a porn actress (you already know where this is going don't you?)
During this time, with Della riding shotgun, Josh was unstoppable in his battles on the internets, as whenever he ran into difficulties, like in tag team wrestling, he just tagged Della who would instantly jump into the affray and pick up exactly where Josh had left off, either pounding Josh's foes into submission with badly spelt comments or guilt tripping them into an appology, because on the internets, a pregnant lesbian ex-pornstar with brain cancer is unbeatable.
For a while, things were good, but it could never last forever.
Over time, Della's cancer got worse, and then she lost the baby and Josh was devastated. The situation was so sorrowful that even Josh's most ardent foes laid down their battered keyboards and called a truce, offering both of them kind words of support and sympathy during their time of heartbreak and hardship because on the internet, a dead baby is the Hiroshima atom bomb that can end any flame war.
But things would get much worse...
Fatal Error Network
The rather aptly named Fatal Error Network was at the time, just the latest doomed venture that Josh had embarked on. It was apparently some sort of shitty video site that Josh hoped would one day rival YouTube, however it was doomed from the very start mainly due to Josh's involvement. While it is often said that Josh is utterly talentless, this isn't technically accurate as it turns out that Josh is very good at one thing in particular.
As it turns out, that one thing isn't designing websites.
For this reason, Josh recruited a whole bunch of people to work long hours in their free time for nothing, building his website for him, leaving him free to concentrate on the things he excelled at, namely arguing with people.
While Josh's unpaid helpers slowly built Josh's website out of stray egg cartons, yoghurt pots, cereal boxes, rolled up newspaper and double sided sticky tape, plastering it with countless pictures of Della Winters, covered in blood holding a big knife, like they did with the websites twitter account , Josh devoted himself to having blazing rows with anyone who attempted to use the site, especially if they pointed out that it was shit and barely worked (which wasn't entirely true because most of the time, like Josh, it didn't work at all). He was unbeatable with Della at his side even as her health took yet another turn for the worst as she suffered a stroke and was put into an induced coma, because who could argue with a gravely ill lesbian, confined to a hospital bed (presumably the kind of hospital bed with internet access for patients in induced comas) with brain cancer and a stroke, who had just had a miscarriage?
Exiled
As it turns out, a person who could argue with a gravely ill lesbian, confined to a hospital bed with brain cancer and a stroke, who had just had a miscarriage was a YouTube user known as Template:Youtube2 because she had been paying very close attention to Josh and, like one or two other people, she'd put two and two together and worked out that there was a lot more wrong with Della than a head full of cancer and a dead baby and that it was entirely possible that Josh was completely full of shit and was lying his arse off about the whole thing.
As it turned out she had a blog and just happened to like writing, and boy, was she good at it.
The moment that the "Congratulations, Your article has now been published" message appeared on Xxxild's computer screen, Josh Clark couldn't have been any more fucked if he was forcefully bent over a table and remorselessly arse raped from here until next Tuesday by a gang of gay sex maniacs, pumped up on bathsalts, with oversized cocks and a tramp fetish.
There just isn't any coming back from something like that, but don't think that Josh didn't try. He spent a whole week stalling for time while he told everyone that he would produce definite proof that Della Winters was actually a real person and that he hadn't been lying his arse off and having cyber sex with people all over the internets, pretending to be a hot lesbian pornstar. Strangely, for some unknown reason, from the very moment that Xxxild's blog post went live, Della vanished into thin air and hasn't been seen or heard from since, even by Josh, who is apparently mystified as to why nobody seems to believe him and, to this day, blames the famed emo-attention whore Richard Coughlan for his downfall.
His new YouTube channel can be found here: Template:Youtube2
His other YouTube channel can be found here: Template:Youtube2
Yet another one of his YouTube channels can be found here: Template:Youtube2
He has others but to be honest, nobody gives a fuck anymore and just wishes that he would just fuck off and die.
Unfortunately it's unlikely that we have heard the last from Josh Clark
The Mysterious Mrs E
Following his dramatic fall from grace and sudden permanent departure from the interwebs, Josh moved onto other things.
Having been exposed as a manipulative lying scumbag on YouTube he instead turned to facebook where he had literally hundreds of good looking and insanely talented and interesting friends who nobody on Youtube had ever heard of (the lessons of life just don't seem to sink in with Josh). Eventually he hatched a plan to exact his revenge on all the people who were calling him a lying scumbag and show once and for all that he was capable of actually achieving something worthwhile all on his own with the help of lots of other people suckered into doing all the hard work for free, while he milked all the glory and undermined their efforts by having blazing rows with people.
He collected together as many beautifully attractive and hugely talented people as he could find, and then told them that he wouldn't be needing them, that remained and invited them to join him in the production of an epic sci-fi extravaganza, based around the concept of a quirky and eccentric hero, who just happened to be the owner of what appeared to be an antiquated tea shop, that was really some kind of advanced device that had the ability to travel in space and time, who would wear strange and outdated clothes and go on adventures, accompanied by various young companions, defeating powerful enemies and space aliens, which wasn't remotely, in any way possible, a complete rip off of Doctor Who.
After months of tireless effort, the group finally managed to upload the first five minute episode of the series, just in time for halloween, which featured Josh Clark and a collection of folks whose previous acting experience had involved appearing as scenery and barn animals in a nativity play when they were children, walking around the car park and basement of Josh's local community centre pretending to be constipated mental patients zombies. It was so bad that when most people saw it, they laughed and asked him where the real episode they had been working all these months on was, which is why, after a few days, he deleted it, but not before people had time to review it...
Since then, the ensemble cast have put out several other short clips which generally involve them reciting the kind of corny dialogue that would put George Lucas to shame in front of a green screen to invisible characters that Josh adds in later with CGI with his computer in a way that gives the viewer the feeling that the're watching a bunch of sixth graders butchering the Doctor Who Christmas special in a school play.
So far none of the people involved have worked out that Josh is only doing this to silence his critics on the interwebs who say that he is nothing but a talentless scam artist who leeches off the efforts of others, creating endless drama for his own twisted amusement until he has left them completely emotionally drained.
That is of course when he isn't dragging them unwittingly into his online battles with the people on Youtube who exposed him as a lying scumbag by asking them leading questions about someone he would like people out on the interwebs to think was Della
You can bet that the internets will be watching how the project progresses, however not for the acting. They will be waiting for it to implode when the people involved realise that all the things that people are saying about Josh on the interwebs are true.
In response to people who say that Mrs E looks like it was produced by the same people who made the Innocence of Muslims or that the clips that have been published so far look like a compilation of video cutscenes taken from computer games released in the early 1990's, Josh insists that this because he has virtually no budget and the equipment and software he's using is four years old.
So for comparison, below is Josh's trailer for Mrs E and a live action/CGI video of similar length made four years ago with a similar budget, using similar, if not older, equipment and software to that which Josh is blaming for Mrs E being crap, rather than his own utter lack of talent and ability and the fact that he is rushing to release it to show all his haters that he isn't a useless fuck and that he can actually achieve something of merit.
less likely to take a knife to their own wrists in desperation when watching Mrs E, it really is that bad.
See Also
Links
- Xxxild's article exposing Josh Josh gets exposed as being a creepy perv with a split personality
- mysteriousmrse.com definitely not a rip off of Doctor Who
- http://obsessedorwhat.blogspot.com/ Josh's blog where he writes about people who call him out on his douchbaggery
- Ashe exposed by an anonymous tipster Reposted comments that were originally posted on, and then deleted from, the comment section of obsessedorwhat's blog before he got butthurt and went into hitler mode because he got owned by someone who hates him IRL.
- Josh's personal model page.
- Facefail Fan page
- Stage 32 account Be part of his shitty project!
- BlogTV He even projects himself stating in of his blog sessions that you shouldn't trust what he says. lol
Youtube
- Template:Youtube2 Fuck Mrs E, who the fuck is Mrs W?
- Template:Youtube2 When he's not pretending to be MrsDellaWinters
- Template:Youtube2 Another of Josh's projects that was doomed from the start
FatalErrorNW Josh's video website twitter feed branded with a photo of Della Winters holding a big knife- Obsessedorwhat Where Ashe tries to defend his actions and refute the accusations of XXXlid aka damagerep0rt, the person that exposed him, and others that love to troll the truth out of him, but keeps lying his ass off every step of the way.
- FellaHinters A twitter to parody Ashetheraven's exploits of his sexual fantasies with a guy.
- WellaDinters A second one to parody his failure. Controlled by Xxxild after being inspired by FellaHinters.
- UnwashedOrNot Another twitter parody of Josh's Obsessedorwhat twitter feed where he often tweets with Della (himself)
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