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Asheistheraven
Asheistheraven otherwise known as Josh Clark, or more notoriously, Della Winters, is one of the many unwashed, undocumented immigrants who presently reside on the internet. He is one of the internet's more dedicated inhabitants choosing to spend almost his whole life sat at home in his pyjamas, writing snide comments on YouTube videos and stalking people.
Over the years he's managed to perfect a very unique appearance all of his own which is a kind of cross between steampunk, goth and the "Just got out of bed" look which he has managed to hone in a way that makes it appear that he's just spent the night asleep in a cardboard box under a bridge, which ironically, isn't too far from the truth, given that he's both an epic troll and was at one point homeless.
It's ironic because he hasn't actually been to bed since he bought his current computer back in 1996, choosing instead to stay sat in front of it day and night, getting involved in other people's drama
When he isn't injecting himself into other people's arguments, he passes the time seducing unsuspecting people into having cyber sex with him as his alter ego Della Winters
Background
Josh's early years are steeped in mystery mainly because he's a lying bastard and so anything that he tells anyone about himself is often complete bullshit but what is known, just like Ashe, isn't pretty. What is known is that he's a bisexual Jewish immigrant who grew up in the UK before moving to the United States where he is now stuck, unable to find work, trapped at home all day looking after his teenage daughter, with nothing to wear other than his pyjamas.
He first came to people's attention a number of years ago when he started to latch onto several well known youtubers, basking in their fame so that their radiance might cast some light on his pasty white skin and provide him with the vitamin D his housebound lifestyle deprives him of, white knighting on their behalf, charging into battle wielding his broken keyboard, looking for all the world like Gollum in a badly fitting black afro wig the night after he's been out on the piss.
Naturally the reward for such unbridled devotion and loyalty was that he often had his accounts suspended and terminated which was often met with a great mass outpouring of sorrow and emotion from the whole internets.
During the hight of his stardom, whenever there was internet drama, like a costumed superhero, he would come dashing to the rescue and bombard the unrighteous foes of the defenceless with literally hundreds of badly shot, out of focus videos in which he could hardly be heard speaking due to an annoying background hiss, and then he would lay in wait like a ninja, waiting for the foe to comment and then unleash a barrage of endless badly spelt replies, all missing the letter "H" This would give the original victim time to escape, which they would do, leaving Josh battling away all on his own in somebody else's argument.
This went on for years as Josh desperately searched the internets, yearning for that special drama that he could claim for himself that would be all his own.
One day his dreams would eventually come true, but that's another story (see below).
The Asheistheraven Look
The Josh Look is an acquired appearance and is best described as the look a person has when they have neither bathed or slept in a considerable amount of time. It has been described as a cheaper alternative to "heroin chic", more akin to "meths drinker's hangover" and is best achieved by setting a Goth on fire and then pulling them backwards through a thorn bush
The emaciated look is the result of not being able to eat because he is too busy battling trolls on the internets.
The hardest part of all is achieving the skin tone of a freshly exhumed corpse which can only be achieved by staying inside, away from sunlight for days upon end with all the curtains drawn, however because of this, he lives in permanent dread of his internet connection failing or that he ever has to go outside during the day.
Despite this, he aspires to be a male model and an actor.
Asheistheraven. strikes a modelling pose.
For this, as well as many other reasons, despite swinging both ways and so potentially doubling his chances, Josh has trouble getting laid and when he does find someone who is as desperate for human attention as he is, they have the overwhelming urge to beat seven shades of shit out of him on a daily basis.
Della Winters
Maybe it was because he's an ugly mother fucker, maybe it was because he's overly creative, or maybe it was because he's just a cunt, Josh found that, despite being an infamous drama superhero capable of banishing any foe that came his way, his powers seemed to be waning and no matter how many badly spelt comments and replies he left ,or how many out of focus videos he made of himself mumbling, some enemies appeared to be immune to his powers, so he decided that he needed a sidekick.
This being Josh, the sidekick couldn't be an ordinary sidekick. Someone you could reply of in a flame war. This sidekick had to be special.
Enter Della Winters.
Despite looking like the ugly stick had been broken across his face as a child, Josh proclaimed to the internets that Della was his girlfriend but Della was so much more than that.
As it turned out, Della was a woman that Josh had known since his childhood who he'd been to school with. She was a dazzling student and went on to win a place at Oxford University to study psychology where she graduated with first class honours and went on to earn her PhD. She was one of the most promising young psychologists in the country and was set for greatness, but something was missing. There was an emptiness in her life, so she quit and became a porn star.
Swapping fame and fortune and academic recognition for facials and anal and being propositioned by old men when recognised, Della endured, but it was not for nothing, for one day during a girl on girl action scene she met the love of her life and it was at that moment that she realised what it was that she had always wanted to be...
A lesbian
She married her lesbian lover and life was blissfully happy for a while until one day she just happened to be walking through Josh's one bedroom apartment in Springfield when she came across Josh, which was ironic as knowing that his childhood friend was a pornstar, and because he had been avidly following her career, Josh had been coming across Della for years (well across her photos at least which possibly explains why the "H" key on his keyboard doesn't work). What she was doing there we will never know however we know that it was unlikely that she could have bumped into him anywhere else given that he spends all day sat with his hand down the front of his pyjamas, in front of his computer arguing with people on the internets.
Passion overtook her and one thing lead to another and a few days later she found out she was pregnant with Josh's love-child
Della's Gallery
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Della in the bathroom -
Della still in the bathroom without pants -
Della waiting for Josh to take her up the ass -
The tardis that Josh used to go back to 2007 to post the pictures on the interwebs after he took them in a hotel room in 2009
How could she explain this to her wife?
Well as it turned out, quite easily, as her wife was completely fine with the situation but unbeknownst to Della, there was trouble on the horizon.
She was having headaches and feeling dizzy and though at first she though it might be because she was pregnant, when she went to have a medical exam it turned out that she had...
As it happened, this turned out to be a blessing in disguise as since she had become pregnant with Josh's child, it appeared that some of Josh had rubbed off on her (and unfortunately she couldn't get a cream for it) and so she also took to whiling away her days, sat in her pyjamas, at home in front of the computer, arguing with people on the internet and helping Josh with his superhero duties.
Josh introduced her to his lesbian friends who had never shown the slightest sign of sexual interest in Josh given that they were lesbians and Josh was both a man and a bloody ugly one at that, and as it turned out, they got on like a house on fire with Della talking long into the night with Josh's lesbian friends about the most deeply personal things imaginable.
She even talked to some of Josh's male friends about deeply personal things too.
During this time, with Della riding shotgun, Josh was unstoppable in his battles on the internets as whenever he ran into difficulties he just tagged Della who would instantly jump into the ring and pick up exactly where Josh left off and pound Josh's foes into submission because on the internets nobody can defeat a pregnant lesbian ex-pornstar with brain cancer.
For a while, things were good, but it could never last forever.
Della's cancer got worse and then she lost the baby and Josh was devastated and the situation was so sorrowful that even Josh's foes laid down their keyboards and called a truce, offering them both kind words of support.
But things would get much worse...
Fatal Error Network
The rather aptly named Fatal Error Network was at the time, just the latest soon to be doomed venture that Josh had embarked on. It was apparently some sort of shitty video site that Josh hoped would one day rival YouTube however it was doomed from the start mainly due to Josh's involvement. While it is often said that Josh is utterly talentless, this isn't technically accurate as it turns out that he is very good at one thing in particular. As it turns out, it isn't designing websites
For this reason, Josh recruited a whole bunch of people to build the website for him, leaving him free to concentrate on the things that he excelled at, namely arguing with people.
While Josh's unpaid helpers slowly built Josh's website out of egg cartons, yoghurt pots, cardboard and double sided sticky tape, Josh devoted himself to having blazing rows with anyone who attempted to use the site, especially if they pointed out that it was shit and barely worked. He was unbeatable with Della at his side because who could argue with a lesbian, confined to a hospital bed with brain cancer who had just had a miscarriage?
Exiled
As it turns out, the person who could argue with a lesbian, confined to a hospital bed with brain cancer who had just had a miscarriage was a YouTube user known as Template:Youtube2 because she had been paying very close attention to Josh and, like one or two other people, she had put two and two together and worked out that Josh was completely full of shit and was lying his arse off and as it turned out she had a blog and just happened to like writing.
There just isn't any coming back from something like that but don't think that Josh didn't try. He spent a whole week stalling for time while he told everyone that he would produce proof that Della Winters was actually a real person and that he hadn't been having cyber sex with people all over the internets pretending to be a hot lesbian pornstar. Strangely, for some unknown reason, from the moment that Xxxild's bolg post was posted, Della vanished into thin air and hasn't been seen or heard from since, even by Josh who is apparently mystified why nobody believes him.
His new YouTube channel can be found here: Template:Youtube2
His other YouTube channel can be found here: Template:Youtube2
Yet another one of his YouTube channels can be found here: Template:Youtube2
He has others but to be honest, nobody gives a fuck any more and just wishes that he would fuck off for good.
See Also
Links
- Template:Youtube2 Fuck Mrs E, who the fuck is Mrs W?
- Template:Youtube2 When he's not pretending to be MrsDellaWinters
- Template:Youtube2 Another of Josh's projects that was doomed from the start
- Xxxild's article exposing Josh Josh gets exposed as being a creepy perv with a split personality
- mysteriousmrse.com His Dr Who ripoff project
- obsessedorwhat.blogspot.co.uk Josh's blog where he writes obout people who call him out on his douchbaggery
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Asheistheraven is part of a series on Visit the Sex Portal for complete coverage. |
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Asheistheraven is part of a series on Visit the Trolls Portal for complete coverage. |
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