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Bob Rehahn
Imagine, if you will, a YouTube where everyone publicly acts precisely like they talk in the uninhibited comments section of the videos. Populated by 13 year old boys, pedos, and asshats using the anonymity of throwaway accounts you can say anything there, free from any repercussions.
If your only way of navigating around the site was by closing your eyes, listening to fart and plane noises and having text to speech software translate everything that is written below videos, what Mad Max landscape would your mind conjure? Would you run off in horror that on one of the largest sites on the internet people are free to act out their most depraved fantasies on video? Or would you say fuck it, post videos asking school children to shit for you and get consumer advice on a really good camera so you can join in the pooping orgy? If you took the red pill, welcome to the world of blind meteorologist, coprophiliac, and occasional aviation fan, Bob Rehahn aka Brehahn1957 or ol' shiteyes to his friends...
History
Bob Rehahn is a 52 year old blind man who works as a school teacher at The Jerry L. White Center in Detroit. Despite the amount of personal information about present day Bob, little is known about his past other than a few news reports of mistreatment by society. According to one, in 1985 while looking for work and an apartment in Florida, Bob was refused accommodation because of a no pets rule forbidding his seeing eye dog from living in the apartment. In February 2009, Bob was refused admittance to a metro Detroit Quiznos, again citing a "no dogs" policy. He went to a nearby Fatburger that allowed seeing-eye dogs after the Quiznos incident.
Both of these stories on their own would make the average person feel anger on his behalf and a little sorry for his cruel treatment. However, in light of the facts about this person now, it is likely that he yearned for neither accommodation nor sustenance, but only to be within earshot of someone leaving a steamer in the bowl. These are the despicable lengths the disabled will go to just to get their perverted kicks.
Bob Joins YouTube
In what sounds like strong evidence that trolling has become mainstream enough to get government funding into psychological research, Bob the blind shit fetishist has been unleashed to run around YouTube like Mr. Magoo with a raging hardon.
On 1 July 2009 after being blocked from YouTube user zigzagzippy05's MySpace after a misunderstanding about a few innocent stage directions on bowel movements, Bob decides to venture into the world of video making himself. His first three videos, in a scene reminiscent of Robocop, Bob's friend from Church, Wayne, has hooked our super-cripple up on the tubes to be able record and upload videos by himself like the cybernetic-turd fancier he is. All systems are functioning, and Bob's test message for Wayne's benefit is the phony pretense that he likes aviation noises.
Having earned his "Tech Support for the Blind" boy scout badge and performed his Christian duty, Wayne left Bob to his own devices. When the lights go out and Bob is left alone in his creepy blind guy lair, the video replies start to get freaky...
Bob's Poop Review
This is Bob. He would like to know the address of the place where you
took that shit, what made you take that shit, some feedback for his
meteorological website, and if possible for you to shit some more. Thanks.
Previous Video | Next Video
From the above videos the following can be deduced:
- It's just for fun.
- Bob lives in Gollum's cave.
- It's just a bit of fun.
- Bob has a rare form of Tourettes that causes him to involuntarily give out all his personal information.
- It's just innocent fun.
- Bob has no idea how YouTube works so there is a good chance that he doesn't even know that the rest of the world can see a pattern in his past nine videos.
- It's nothing to be ashamed of; it's just for fun.
- Bob wants a friend who understands.
- It's a masculine thing to hear another guy take a shit.
- Bob is blind, lives alone, gives out his location to the entire world and will probably be in the can with a camcorder and boom mic when someone in the area decides to act on this and robs him. Given that he hemorrhages information, he'll probably be screaming his PIN and credit card number while doing so. Take a pen and notepad, burglars.
- It's just kind of a fun thing.
One view would be that compensating for his lack of vision, Bob is endowed with Daredevil-esque supertesticles the size of watermelons that allow him to stand bald faced in front of the whole world and demand more people shit for him and describe it to him.
The more likely reality though, is that being blind, he has failed to realize the fact that the rest of the sick fucks on the internet don't actually have their photograph or personal details on their profiles. Although hiding your face (or not displaying it at all) is a given to most weirdos, it's easy to understand how a blind person may have missed this small but crucial aspect of safely indulging in crazy stuff on the internet.
To reiterate:
zigzagzippy05
If there was an Academy Award for "Best Defecation in a Five Minute Movie", there's no question in the mind of our top poop critic who it would go to. Unfortunately the creative genius that is 
zigzagzippy05 had some reason to post a video of himself having a dump on the internet other than providing masturbatory material to visually impaired men. It is currently a mystery exactly who he does want to masturbate to it but top scientists will find out by asking him on his 
his Myspace or Template:Youtube2. Regardless, shot down and blocked from his MySpace account, starstruck by the masterful sounds of him making dookie, Bob the fecal enthusiast made the following video, to patch things up.
Soapatron
Although zigzagzippy05's flawless excrement deployment is in a league of its own, with each log scoring at least 8.5 from the judges, the feather like floaters of an eighth grade boy were the ones that truly captured Bob's dirty little heart. Although the video was from 2006, and nothing was shown (Bob doesn't know that, keep it to yourself) this still surely makes him a pedophile otherwise the internet would be awash with pictures of 10 year olds in bell bottoms and platform shoes. At the very least it puts him bottom of the list of applicants for the position of high school janitor. In the comments section, Bob extended the hand of friendship (with the other one firmly down his pants).
Months passed, and it became apparent that his scatological Adonis had long left the tubes to shart in pastures new. And so it was, with a heavy heart and throbbing erection that Bob made this video...
The Trolling Begins
Ol' shiteyes' grubby prayers were answered and soon responses began coming in like so much effluent from legitimate poop enthusiasts. Rather than being happy with what he got, he immediately set about explaining flaws and deviations from his mantra of door, belt, pants, pee, poop, describe, flush. Presumably wipe ass and wash hands are optional.
As witnessed, Bob's poop listening powers are great indeed, meaning that to truly get close to him, trolls may have to really squat one out for the team. Or at least use good audio editing software to add reverb. As a control experiment, at the same time a lady troll posted the following:
Despite the sultry description of her latrine contents, it received no acknowledgment whatsoever proving that even though its just for fun, Bob doesn't like fun with girls.
—Bob, again being an ungrateful bastard. |
Prank Calls
One awesome troll decided to call Bob at 4am. Bob was more than happy to answer, after all, its always time for a shit in the Rehahn household.
Previous Video | Next Video
Other Trolling
Bob emails a troll his oft spoken exact instructions. As yet no one has asked the obvious question; why the fuck does it have to be a video if he can't see?
Bob's reaction
While it would seem impossible to conceive of failing at trolling a blind, horny pervert who hasn't a clue about YouTube, especially given how much of his personal information is readily available, on 12 July 2009, the unaware population managed exactly that. Firstly armed with their latest cool memes they proceeded to post such witticisms as:
In addition to this onslaught of subtlety and mirth, hilarious intricate prank calls were made, where they would dial his number, mumble "fag" through their V masks and hang up. Mistaking these philistines as representative of the millions of other users on YouTube appreciative of his critiques, Bob decided to rob the internet of his insightful videos.
As quickly as they were removed, however, they were mirrored elsewhere, prompting a heartfelt response to his percieved victimization on the basis of his disability.
The final line of Bob's cease & desist message prompts a poignant question:
In our society, who is truly sick and dirty? Is it the school teacher who sits topless in the dark, delighting in the sounds of school children shitting, graphically detailing and fine tuning his fantasies and requests in front of the world? Or is it those who judge him based on nothing more than his words and actions?
Please wait patiently while the votes are counted on that one.
See Also
External Links
- Template:Youtube2 - Account closed due to newfag harassment. Mirrored videos here.
- Bob's Meteorological website Forecast: Pretty shitty weather.
- BobRehahn.com Fan site/shrine to the scatmeister.
- 'Change more than a few minds' Feb 1985
- 'Blind man with guide dog refused service at sandwich shop' Feb 2009.Bob can't enjoy his sandwich.
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| Featured article July 11, 2009 | ||
| Preceded by ORLY |
Bob Rehahn | Succeeded by Victim Complex |