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Alek Minassian: Difference between revisions
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Revision as of 14:22, 23 April 2022
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| Alek Minassian | |
| DOB: | November 3, 1992 |
| Nationality: | Soviet Canuck 
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| Highscore | Killed 10, Injured 13 |
| Top 25? | 43rd Place :( |
| Style | Single Player / Truck of Peace |
| An Hero? | Epic (suicide by police) Fail |
| Motive: | Virgin with rage |
Alek Minassian is an Armenian-Canadian best known worldwide as the present high-score holder for Canadian usage of Grand Theft Auto, when on April 23rd, 2018, he utilized the well-proven truck of peace to relieve 10 unfortunate canucks of their lives. Like other national treasures such as Luka Magnotta, Marc Lepine, and Justin Trudeau,Alek Minassian sought to improve his life, and ideally end it, through bloodshed and notoriety. Unfortunately for him, as a certified autist, he couldn't even get the police to shoot him, thus finding himself cucked for the umpteenth time.
Life before going postal
Minassian was born in Toronto, Canada, and was educated at Thornlea Secondary School. He was described as fidgety and socially awkward, symptoms that in retrospect clearly indicated autism. He was so lonely that he even sometimes hugged himself and made strange noises. Described as a "socially inept" sped, Alek was known for meowing at his classmates. An interview with his mother, Sona Minassian, suggested that he suffered from Assburgers syndrome. Having no friends or social life, Minassian got good at computers and created an Android app to locate parking spaces in Toronto. Alek also briefly trained for the Canuckistan army before getting kicked out 16 days in due to general incompetency. At the time of his attack, Minassian had just graduated from Seneca College, a local post secondary intuition.
Incel Rebellion
As a retarded sperg just like you, Alek retreated into the world of the internets to occupy his free time. He could mostly be found complaining about Chads and Stacies on r9gay and other incel forums. Eventually, Alek decided it was turn his life around. He was going to finally get himself some female attention. Instead of listening to dumb normalfag advice such as learning some social skills, picking up the art of PUA to bang some ugly roasties, or perhaps hitting the gym, he was going to go on one final mission. Alek went to a van rental store to pick up his weapon of choice at noon on April 23, 2018. After being laughed at by the employees of the store due to not knowing how to drive it, Alek returned to parking lot to post his mission statement on Facebook.
The bucolic nation of Canada was knocked into action by a 2.3 ton white moving van, hurtling down a pedestrian walkway at highway speeds. Eyewitnesses reported flying bodies, smushed canucks, and the wails of wives and children, as Alek deftly maneuvered his vehicle through crowds. After 20 minutes of grand theft auto re-enactment, the vehicle hit a bollard. Minassian stepped out and pointed his phone at the police like a gun in an attempt to get the suicide by cop acheivement. Unfortunately, it turns out the pigs are the real Chads, and Minassian really was just another virgin, and he was promptly cucked when the police v& and detained him without firing a single shot. As a result of this oversight, he can look now forward to being sentenced to a date with the Booty Warrior, for so long as it pleases Her Majesty.
Supreme Gentlemenry
At first, the Old Media was convinced itself that this was yet another case of mental illness, then as possibly revenge for the Armenian genocide, or possibly the innate violence of autists manifested in truck format. Meanwhile, the retards top minds on reddit and pol convinced themselves that the religion of peace was once again the culprit. The truth turned out to be far purer, far more elegant - it was to be the start of the incel uprising. In an ill-advised post to Facebook, Alek Minassian promised to overthrow the Chads and the Stacies, and praised the Supreme Gentleman himself - conveniently neglecting to note that without thots, he would never get laid. He actually managed to surpass his hero Elliot Rodger's kill count by 4. Alek therefore has proven to have mastered the art of being a Supreme Gentlemen! Well done!
Needless to say, the feminists lost their shit, and a torrent of vitriol flowed from the old media on the dangers of toxic masculinity and autistics.
High Score
| Graded score | |
|---|---|
| Kill count: | 10/20 (14 injured) |
| Accuracy: | 8/20 Not great accuracy-wise considering he was driving a van |
| Style: | 5/20 Failed at becoming an hero |
| Butthurt: | 20/20 Feminists in an outrage; the Prime Minister personally bawled on twitter. |
| Bonus: | 20/20 Most effective use of Grand Theft Auto in Canada. |
| Total score: 63/100 (D) | |
Wanted Level:
___________________
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___________________
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Police Force
Aliases
- Alek "Alone in the Sheets, Beast on the Streets" Minassian
- Alek "Mental in the Rental" Minassian
- Alek "Running Amok in the Truck" Minassian
- Alek "Stimmin for Women" Minassian
- Alek "Fighter in the Ryder" Minassian
- Alek "Destroyed the Femoid Because I was Annoyed" Minassian
- Alek "Virgin with an Urgin" Minassian
- Alek "Date with the Booty Warrior after I Meet with my Lawyer" Minassian
Gallery
See Also
- Beta Uprising
- Fedora
- Friend Zone
- George Sodini
- Love Shy
- Luka Magnotta
- Marjan Siklic
- Misogyny
- Nice guys
