Brown University shooting

Conspiracy Alert The subject of this article is the victim of a massive conspiracy by the Social Mafia. You should trust noone and come to your own conclusions after careful consideration of the facts.

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Claudio Manuel Neves-Valente
Born	c. 1977
Died	c. December 18, 2025 (aged 48)
Nationality:	Portufat
Highscore	Killed 3, injured 9
Top 50?	Yes, if we’re counting Top 50 in terms of BMI.
Style	FPS, Single Player
An Hero?	Yes
Motive	Fat

On December 13, 2025, two students from Rhode Island at Brown University (no racial connotations) would fail their exams due to a school shooter sneaking past their gun-free zone signs and fandangled servailence systems. Despite being one of the most protective schools in America and taking place in a state with the most sissy liberal gun laws, the perpetrator was able to swiftly make his retreat and went missing for 5 days before being identified as Claudio Manuel Neves-Valente. Ironically, his complexion did not match the name of the school. He was also fat.

Two of the survivors in this attack had previously survived two other school shootings: Zoe Weissman, who was present for the Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School shooting, and Mia Tretta, who was injured in the Saugus High School shooting. Congratulations players on passing level 2.

The very next day, an even more awesome and bloodier mass shooting took place in Australia by a father and son duo and it’s not even Christmas yet! We're still in for a good-ol' holiday car ramming attack!

Loadout

Class Setup
Item	Accessories/Bonus
Primary: 9mm (unknown model)	mystery damage output.
Handicap: Fat	Player moving speed cuts a half Difficulty climbing fences and walls Stamina stats cut a half. Jumping height reduces a third. Divides a double or triple if they are obese.
Perk: Ghost Pro	Took ages for police to catch up to him. Invisible to police helicopters.

How could this happen?

	“	School shootings in the United States had rapidly increased in the preceding decades which some have attributed to the country's increased availability of firearms.	„
	—Wikipedia thinks guns were less available in past decades than they are now.

Gameplay

Phase 1: The Shooting

Claudio caught on ringcam footage.

Brown University has over 1200 security cameras on its property yet failed to capture Claudio in all his fatness. Let that sink in—TWELVE HUNDRED cameras and NO gameplay footage. The best we have is some neighborhood doorbell ring cameras that captured him bumbling around in the premises.

Anyways, come the main event: Claudio enters a room full of students finishing their final exams and shoots 2 Brown college students dead (no racial connotations of course; only one of them can be considered brown - and even then, just barely.)

It is suspected that he targeted one of the students for being a leader within the college’s conservative group and that the other guy was just caught in the cross-fire standing behind her. Peter Griffin shed one tear that day. Sloppy work, agent.

Phase 2: The Man-Hunt

Claudio’s minimap.

If Claudio didn’t expect himself to get away with this, then he severely overestimated the Rhode Island police force. It took 20 minutes for them to notify all the other students that a school shooting had even occurred. The Feds become so desperate for information on this guy that they started releasing photos of people who have merely crossed paths with him so they could be identified and taken in for questioning. Within that time, Claudio was even able to score another kill for himself, this time on the 15th further up North where he killed a physics professor outside of his home in Brookline, Massachusetts. Apparently he used to attend the same university with this professor in Portugal; is this perhaps a 20-year old rivalry that he wasn’t able to let go of? Who knows. Eventually they were able to track him down with the help of the boys from the DMV, so next time it feels like they’re giving you hell, just make sure to say “thank you”.

Phase 3: Rage Quit

Now hiding out in a warehouse space that he had rented in Salem, New Hampshire, Claudio decided to use the button on his 9mm to log off for good. If he had stopped by Salem, Massachusetts instead, he could have purchased an unregistered broom stick and fly off with it, but alas. He was found in said warehouse on the 18th with two guns in his loot pool but unfortunately no manifesto so we might never get that epic lore drop.

Graded Score

Graded Score
Kill count:	3/20
Accuracy:	4/20 3 killed, 9 injured
Style:	20/20 Pulled a more successful Nikolas Cruz style escape
Butthurt:	14/20 Deadliest mass shooting in Rhode Island and sparked a 5-day manhunt, overshadowed by Bondi Beach though
Bonus:	20/20 ALMOST GOT AWAY WITH IT
Total Score: 61/100 (C)

Still not as good as Bryan Kohberger's hide and seek time See full ranking

Wanted Level:

S.W.A.T. Team

See Also

• Bondi Beach Unjewing
• Bryan Kohberger
• Claudia Patricia Gomez Gonzales
• Decarlos Brown

External Links

• TOW coverage

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