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[[Image:BenSchuminWithElephant.jpg|thumb|Ben Schumin, with his only known [[raep|sex]] partner]]
[[Image:BenSchuminWithElephant.jpg|thumb|Ben Schumin, with his only known [[raep|sex]] partner]]
{{quote|Really, it's all a matter of attention. If I am seeking it, I will gladly accept it. However, if I don't want it, even if it is positive, I will try to escape it, or deliberately ruin it.|Ben Schumin, [[attention whore|asking for it]]}}
{{quote|Really, it's all a matter of attention. If I am seeking it, I will gladly accept it. However, if I don't want it, even if it is positive, I will try to escape it, or deliberately ruin it.|Ben Schumin, [[attention whore|asking for it]]}}
'''Ben Schumin''' is the dorky little brother of the [[Internet]] -- he was one of the first idiots to [[spam]] his every [[dumb]] thought all over the [[Internet]]. He has now grown up to be a fat, bald loser who got fired from [[Wal-Mart]] before finding a job at a [[Communist|non-profit]], [http://www.schuminweb.com/schumin-web/journal/permalink.php?id=1295 packin' boxes and suckin' dick]. This qualifies him for an admin position at [[TOW]], which, sure enough, he is.
'''Ben Schumin''' is the dorky little brother of the [[Internet]] -- he was one of the first idiots to [[spam]] his every [[dumb]] thought all over the [[Internet]]. He has now grown up to be a fat, bald loser who got fired from [[Wal-Mart]] before finding a job at a [[Communist|non-profit]], [http://www.schuminweb.com/2010/05/27/fun-with-bubble-wrap/ packin' boxes and suckin' dick]. This qualifies him for an admin position at [[TOW]], which, sure enough, he was until he [[ragequit]].
Ben Schumin started out life as a [[Assburger|normal child]], although there were [http://www.schuminweb.com/schumin-web/odds-and-ends/childhood-1.php early indications of later insanity]:
Ben Schumin started out life as a [[Assburger|normal child]], although there were [http://www.schuminweb.com/odds-and-ends/childhood-days-part-1/ early indications of later insanity]:
* [http://www.schuminweb.com/images/odds-and-ends/childhood/37.jpg A family dog whose obesity foreshadowed his own later struggles with weight]
* [http://files.schuminweb.com/odds-and-ends/childhood/55.jpg A family dog he fucked to death]
* [http://www.schuminweb.com/images/odds-and-ends/childhood/40.jpg His early urges to become a furry]
* [http://files.schuminweb.com/odds-and-ends/childhood/56.jpg His early inclinations toward furrydom and incest]
* [http://www.schuminweb.com/images/odds-and-ends/childhood/50.jpg Attendance at a so-called "fatness camp"]
* [http://files.schuminweb.com/odds-and-ends/childhood/66.jpg Attendance at a so-called "fatness camp"]
All that aside, though, Ben started out life no worse than most of us. Sure, he was a dorky kid, but we all start out as [[dorks]]. The problem is that this was absolutely the high point of his life. After he got his brains buggered out by Santa (see photo at right), it all went to hell, and he was doomed to a life of total idiocy.
All that aside, though, Ben started out life no worse than most of us. Sure, he was a dorky kid, but we all start out as [[dorks]]. The problem is that this was absolutely the high point of his life. After he got his brains buggered out by Santa (see photo at right), it all went to hell, and he was doomed to a life of total idiocy.
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[[Image:BenSchumin1996.gif|thumb|Feast your eyes on this photo, folks, 'cause after this he gets a hell of a lot uglier.]]
[[Image:BenSchumin1996.jpg|thumb|Feast your eyes on this photo, folks, 'cause after this he gets a hell of a lot uglier.]]
At the dawn of the [[Intertubes]], Schumin was one of [[over 9000|about a million]] [[13-year-old boy|teenagers]] who managed to master [[Microsoft]] FrontPage and put up [http://www.schuminweb.com/schumin-web/archives/original-site/index.htm a shitty AOHell webpage dedicated to themselves].
At the dawn of the [[Intertubes]], Schumin was one of [[over 9000|about a million]] [[13-year-old boy|teenagers]] who managed to master [[Microsoft]] FrontPage and put up [http://web.archive.org/web/20100611183040/http://www.schuminweb.com/schumin-web/archives/original-site/index.htm a shitty AOHell webpage dedicated to themselves].
Most of those teens updated a few times, put up MIDIs of [[Heavy metal|"Iron Man"]] and backgrounds of half-[[naked]] [[chicks]], and got bored, having exhausted the potential of the Internet at that time. ''But Ben was not most teens.'' Instead of [[sex|getting laid]] or [[drugs|high]], he proceeded to invent [[Twitter]] ''ten years before it was even created.''
Most of those teens updated a few times, put up MIDIs of [[Heavy metal|"Iron Man"]] and backgrounds of half-[[naked]] [[chicks]], and got bored, having exhausted the potential of the Internet at that time. ''But Ben was not most teens.'' Instead of [[sex|getting laid]] or [[drugs|high]], he proceeded to invent [[Twitter]] ''ten years before it was even created.''
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* [[Image:TheSchuminDiet.jpg|thumb|How to go from homely child to porker in a few short years]] [http://www.schuminweb.com/schumin-web/life-and-times/legacy/wal-mart.php A motherfucking photo essay] on his goddamn trip to [[Wal-Mart]]. I shit you not. The reader is spared nothing -- every aspect of the trip, from his [[ugly]] [[sister]] to each purchase (actual or merely contemplated) to testing out the blood pressure machine...''everything.''
* [[Image:TheSchuminDiet.jpg|thumb|How to go from homely child to porker in a few short years]] [http://www.schuminweb.com/life-and-times/life-2000/wal-mart/ A motherfucking photo essay] on his goddamn trip to [[Wal-Mart]]. I shit you not. The reader is spared nothing -- every aspect of the trip, from his [[ugly]] [[sister]] to each purchase (actual or merely contemplated) to testing out the blood pressure machine...''everything.''
The rest of his website was full of this kind of [[crap]]. He didn't even go [[emo]], cut himself, listen to shitty music, or any of those ''Dawson's Creek'' staples.
The rest of his website was full of this kind of [[crap]]. He didn't even go [[emo]], cut himself, listen to shitty music, or any of those ''Dawson's Creek'' staples.
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=The Pawn Shop Years=
==The Pawn Shop Years==
[[Image:SchuminBowlsA44.jpg|thumb|Deprived of mandatory [[buttsex|phys ed classes]], Schumin is reduced to bowling a [[fail|44]]]] Ben managed to wangle his way into [http://www.jmu.edu/ a shitty wannabe university]. Even though it was a total [http://www.playboy.com/articles/top-party-schools-2009-the-works/index.html party school], Schumin ''still'' couldn't get laid. Yes, this is the same "university" [[Chris-chan/Wikipedia#His_Early_Years_-_Birth_to_1992|that taught Chris-chan how to speak]]. Good fucking work, assholes.
[[Image:SchuminBowlsA44.jpg|thumb|Deprived of mandatory [[buttsex|phys ed classes]], Schumin is reduced to bowling a [[fail|44]]]] Ben managed to wangle his way into [http://www.jmu.edu/ a shitty wannabe university]. Even though it was a total [http://www.playboy.com/articles/top-party-schools-2009-the-works/index.html party school], Schumin ''still'' couldn't get laid. Yes, this is the same "university" [[Chris-chan/Wikipedia#His_Early_Years_-_Birth_to_1992|that taught Chris-chan how to speak]]. Good fucking work, assholes.
College provided Ben with unparalleled opportunities to [http://www.schuminweb.com/schumin-web/photography/photo-display.php?Folder=jmu-mission&Extension=jpg&File=06 gain three hundred pounds] and [http://college.schuminweb.com/college-life/freshman/pie.php cream all over the girls]. In fact, [http://college.schuminweb.com/ an entire section of his current website] is dedicated to his time at the university.
College provided Ben with unparalleled opportunities to [http://college.schuminweb.com/junior/d-hall-the-fresh-food-company-part-1/ gain three hundred pounds] and [http://www.schuminweb.com/quote_articles/three-more-weeks-and-i-cant-wait/ cream all over the guys]. In fact, [http://college.schuminweb.com/ an entire section of his current website] is dedicated to his time at the university.
After [http://www.schuminweb.com/schumin-web/journal/permalink.php?id=12 staying there for five fucking years], he allegedly graduated with a "degree" in [[bullshit|public administration]]. But it was on the Web that he was to achieve his [[loser|true potential]].
After [http://college.schuminweb.com/super-senior/memories/ staying there for five fucking years], he allegedly graduated with a "degree" in [[bullshit|public administration]]. But it was on the Web that he was to achieve his [[loser|true potential]].
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=The Colossus Expands=
==The Colossus Expands==
[[Image:SchuminTitanicAward.gif|thumb|This award is named for the number of times Ben had to go down on the judges in order to win it.]] The Internet may have been young when Ben began his self-centered blather, but there was no way a [[lolcow]] like this could go unmilked for long.
[[Image:SchuminTitanicAward.gif|thumb|This award is named for the number of times Ben had to go down on the judges in order to win it.]] The Internet may have been young when Ben began his self-centered blather, but there was no way a [[lolcow]] like this could go unmilked for long.
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=The Fall=
==The Fall==
[[Image:SchuminWhores.jpg|thumb|Ben got some whores to model his merch.]] But there is no [[fatty|giant]] so [[obese|great]] that there is not an [[army]] of [[trolls|midgets]] kicking at his heels. Schumin, too, had to suffer fools, and in time they laid him low. (No, he still didn't get laid.)
[[Image:SchuminWhores.jpg|thumb|Ben got some whores to model his merch.]] But there is no [[fatty|giant]] so [[obese|great]] that there is not an [[army]] of [[trolls|midgets]] kicking at his heels. Schumin, too, had to suffer fools, and in time they laid him low. (No, he still didn't get laid.)
To some extent, his own marketing was at fault. He made the usual attempts to extend his fifteen minutes of celebrity: [http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Mecca%20switch&defid=365956 attempts to propagate catch phrases], [http://college.schuminweb.com/college-life/senior/my-room.php a shocking expose of his dorm room], [http://college.schuminweb.com/college-life/junior/online-store.php cheesy merchandising], even [http://college.schuminweb.com/college-life/senior/pyrote.php the invention of a fictional nation] -- a tactic that [http://www.codeweek.pk/2009/08/wikipedia-fights-vandalism/ clever hoaxsters] would later use on [[Wikipedia]].
To some extent, his own marketing was at fault. He made the usual attempts to extend his fifteen minutes of celebrity: [http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Mecca%20switch&defid=365956 attempts to propagate catch phrases], [http://college.schuminweb.com/freshman/inside-my-room-freshman-year/ a shocking expose of his dorm room], [http://college.schuminweb.com/junior/modeling-for-the-online-store/ cheesy merchandising], even [http://college.schuminweb.com/senior/the-sacred-states-of-pyrote-news/ the invention of a fictional nation] -- a tactic that [http://www.codeweek.pk/2009/08/wikipedia-fights-vandalism/ clever hoaxsters] would later use on [[Wikipedia]].
But even the most [[artfag|avant garde]] measures could not prevent the inevitable indifference that came when people found that Schumin's real interests were [[shit no one cares about|above their heads]], and eventually they moved on to [[lolcats|other, greener pastures]].
But even the most [[artfag|avant garde]] measures could not prevent the inevitable indifference that came when people found that Schumin's real interests were [[shit no one cares about|above their heads]], and eventually they moved on to [[lolcats|other, greener pastures]].
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=The Great Engine Of His Mind=
==The Great Engine Of His Mind==
What makes Ben [[erection|tick]]?
What makes Ben [[erection|tick]]?
==Bus Stops==
===Bus Stops===
His [http://transit.schuminweb.com/ webpage on bus stops] is one of a kind. After all, [[welfare|bus riders]] can't afford [[bling|digital cameras]].
His [http://transit.schuminweb.com/ webpage on bus stops] is one of a kind. After all, [[welfare|bus riders]] can't afford [[bling|digital cameras]].
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==Fire Alarms==
===Fire Alarms===
[[Image:SchuminsDreamGirl.gif|thumb|100px|Hawt!]]
[[Image:SchuminsDreamGirl.jpg|thumb|100px|Hawt!]]
Schumin is [http://www.schuminweb.com/schumin-web/odds-and-ends/fire-alarms.php the one-stop authority on fire alarms]. Not, mind you, in order to do [[Fire|awesome shit]], but just the alarms themselves. He is probably the world's foremost expert on [[shit no one cares about|fire alarms]]. He can't design them or anything like that, but he can identify the brand and characteristics of a fire alarm at a glance. This got him [[zero|about as much ass as you'd expect.]]
Schumin is [http://www.schuminweb.com/odds-and-ends/fire-alarm-collection/ the one-stop authority on fire alarms]. Not, mind you, in order to do [[Fire|awesome shit]], but just the alarms themselves. He is probably the world's foremost expert on [[shit no one cares about|fire alarms]]. He can't design them or anything like that, but he can identify the brand and characteristics of a fire alarm at a glance. This got him [[zero|about as much ass as you'd expect.]]
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==The Price Is Right==
===The Price Is Right===
[http://www.schuminweb.com/schumin-web/odds-and-ends/tecpir.php Complete with an actual re-enactment], as [[teenagers|high school students]] try to guess the price of groceries. ''And a complete transcript.''
[http://www.schuminweb.com/odds-and-ends/the-east-coast-price-is-right/ Complete with an actual re-enactment], as [[teenagers|high school students]] try to guess the price of groceries. ''And a complete transcript.''
==Hollywood Squares==
===Hollywood Squares===
[http://www.schuminweb.com/schumin-web/odds-and-ends/hs-classroom.php He had people re-enact this one as well.] ''And another complete transcript.''
[http://www.schuminweb.com/odds-and-ends/hollywood-squares-classroom-edition/ He had people re-enact this one as well.] ''And another complete transcript.''
==Some Fucking Canadian Children's Program==
===Some Fucking Canadian Children's Program===
[http://todays-special.schuminweb.com/ You only wish I was making this shit up.]
[http://todays-special.schuminweb.com/ You only wish I was making this shit up.]
==[[Anarchy]]==
===[[Anarchy]]===
[[Image:SchuminOnymous.jpg|thumb|The mask cannot hide the [[fatty]] within.]]
[[Image:SchuminOnymous.jpg|thumb|The mask cannot hide the [[fatty]] within.]]
Yes, Benny is a [http://www.schuminweb.com/schumin-web/life-and-times/2007/j27-1.php black bloc] [[anarchist]]. No, he doesn't do anything [[terrorism|good]] with his knowledge of fire alarms and bus stations, although "Schumin" sounds kind of [[JEWS DID WTC|Jewish]]...well, [http://www.dhs.gov/files/reportincidents/counterterrorism.shtm you know what to do].
Yes, Benny is a [http://www.schuminweb.com/category/activism/black-bloc/ black bloc] [[anarchist]]. No, he doesn't do anything [[terrorism|good]] with his knowledge of fire alarms and bus stations, although "Schumin" sounds kind of [[JEWS DID WTC|Jewish]]...well, [http://www.dhs.gov/files/reportincidents/counterterrorism.shtm you know what to do].
He also thinks he's part of [[Anonymous]], and occasionally takes part in [[Project Chanology]] events. They use him as [[bait]] for [[homos]] and [[OM NOM NOM NOM|cannibals]].
He also thinks he's part of [[Anonymous]], and occasionally takes part in [[Project Chanology]] events. They use him as [[bait]] for [[homos]] and [[OM NOM NOM NOM|cannibals]].
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==Himself==
===Himself===
Above all else, Ben [[masturbation|loves himself]]. [http://community.schuminweb.com/ His discussion forum dedicated to his favorite person ever], [http://www.schuminweb.com/schumin-web/life-and-times/2004/wal-mart.php his continued coverage of his shopping trips at Wal-Mart], [http://www.schuminweb.com/schumin-web/archives/quotes.php his archive of his personal quotes] -- all aspects of Schumin fascinate Schumin.
Above all else, Ben [[masturbation|loves himself]]. [http://community.schuminweb.com/ His discussion forum dedicated to his favorite person ever], [http://www.schuminweb.com/life-and-times/life-2004/wal-mart-with-becky-and-rebecca/ his continued coverage of his shopping trips at Wal-Mart], [http://www.schuminweb.com/archives/quote-archives/ his archive of his personal quotes] -- all aspects of Schumin fascinate Schumin.
=His Scary-Ass Fan Community=
==His Scary-Ass Fan Community==
If Ben worries you, get a load of [http://www.schuminweb.com/schumin-web/archives/fan-art.php his fans].
If Ben worries you, get a load of [http://www.schuminweb.com/archives/fan-art/ his fans].
Image:BenSchuminAllYourGeek.jpg|Only the freshest [[memes]] for Ben!</gallery>}}
Image:BenSchuminAllYourGeek.jpg|Only the freshest [[memes]] for Ben!</gallery>}}
=Where Is He Now?=
==Wikipedo No More==
For years, Ben was a [[TOW]] [[admin]] of the [[deletionist]] kind, and was therefore an annoying [[bureaucratic fuck]] who sought to [[delete fucking everything|take down every entry he could]], but especially [[butthurt|entries on or related to people he didn't like]]. The most famous example was [http://www.rockpapershotgun.com/2011/03/02/old-man-murray-deleted-from-wikipedia/ his attempt to delete the article on Old Man Murray] because of [http://boingboing.net/2011/03/04/did-an-old-grudge-ge.html some bullshit grudge against one of its founders]. This lame vendetta [http://news.slashdot.org/story/11/03/13/1550234/old-man-murray-wikipedia-controversy-continues failed], but the other admins [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikipedia:Administrators%27_noticeboard/IncidentArchive678#incident_.2F_user:SchuminWeb_-_abuse_of_admin_privileges covered for him]. Naturally.
However, on Wikipedia there is one solid rule: You can abuse outsiders and deny the real world all you like, but if you mess with other admins, [[asking for it|you gonna get raped]]. Eventually [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikipedia:Requests_for_comment/SchuminWeb the other asspies got sick of Ben] and [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikipedia:Arbitration/Requests/Case/SchuminWeb put him up for de-adminning]. He responded by [https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=User:SchuminWeb&curid=1978277&diff=528922975&oldid=519515259 running away like a pussy] and refusing to respond to the question. Naturally they're not going to go back and review his other bad decisions.
But what will become of [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Contributions/SchuminWeb all of Ben's great contributions to TOW?] His dedication to documenting the facts about himself, fire alarms, himself, cruise ships, himself, bus stops in Washington DC, and himself? Unless he [[pussy|comes crawling back]], it looks as if these vital topics will get [[shit no one cares about|no further attention]].
==Where Is He Now?==
[[Image:SchuminAtWork.jpg|thumb|Go to a real college, kids, or this is the shit you'll wind up doing.]]
[[Image:SchuminAtWork.jpg|thumb|Go to a real college, kids, or this is the shit you'll wind up doing.]]
These days, Ben spends his time as an [[admin]] at [[TOW]], which tells you just how dumb [[Wikipedos]] are. Other than that, he works at something called [[Communism|Food and Water Watch]], which means that he hangs around the food court at local malls and steals leftovers. He is [http://www.foodandwaterwatch.org/about/who-we-are/ damn near at the bottom of the totem pole there] (scroll WAY down), and his job description means he is basically the office [[bitch]].
Ben works at something called [[Communism|Food and Water Watch]], which means that he hangs around the food court at local malls and steals leftovers. He is [http://www.foodandwaterwatch.org/about/who-we-are/ damn near at the bottom of the totem pole there] (scroll WAY down), and his job description means he is basically the office [[bitch]], unworthy of even an email address. In his off time, he cries about not being a TOW admin while riding random buses in DC.
The lesson is simple: [http://www.schuminweb.com/schumin-web/journal/permalink.php?id=802 Never get fired] from [[Wal-Mart]], and never reveal the shallows of your soul on the goddamn Internet. You will never live it down.
The lesson is simple: [http://www.schuminweb.com/schumin-web/journal/permalink.php?id=802 Never get fired] from [[Wal-Mart]], never make TOW your life, and never reveal the shallows of your soul on the goddamn Internet. You will never live it down.
Really, it's all a matter of attention. If I am seeking it, I will gladly accept it. However, if I don't want it, even if it is positive, I will try to escape it, or deliberately ruin it.
Ben Schumin is the dorky little brother of the Internet -- he was one of the first idiots to spam his every dumb thought all over the Internet. He has now grown up to be a fat, bald loser who got fired from Wal-Mart before finding a job at a non-profit, packin' boxes and suckin' dick. This qualifies him for an admin position at TOW, which, sure enough, he was until he ragequit.
All that aside, though, Ben started out life no worse than most of us. Sure, he was a dorky kid, but we all start out as dorks. The problem is that this was absolutely the high point of his life. After he got his brains buggered out by Santa (see photo at right), it all went to hell, and he was doomed to a life of total idiocy.
Behold his descent.
Feast your eyes on this photo, folks, 'cause after this he gets a hell of a lot uglier.
Most of those teens updated a few times, put up MIDIs of "Iron Man" and backgrounds of half-nakedchicks, and got bored, having exhausted the potential of the Internet at that time. But Ben was not most teens. Instead of getting laid or high, he proceeded to invent Twitterten years before it was even created.
How did he do this? By posting his every fucking thought and dream. But that wasn't the worst part. Ben managed to be boring even by the standards of Twitter accounts.
Think of the dumbest celebrity ever to have a Twitter account. Now imagine them being forced to drink a quart of vodka and then hit in the head with a bag of rice. That is the level of stupidity Ben brought to bear, day in and day out.
A floozy through and through. We know you are
A heartless wench with no regard for those
Who really care.
We ought to lock you in
A room and throw away the key. I will
Not speak to you again. Now please don't let
The door hit you when you exit my life.
„
—Ben took that pretty well, huh?
Chili-bowl haircut and grin like a car grill. Also fatter. But wait, it gets worse!"The Dead Man's Headset", a paean to his headset at his meaningless telemarketing job. To be sung to the tune of "Gilligan's Island". Check it out now:
“
The dead man used to know how to,
But now he is no more.
He blew his lover's boyfriend 'way,
Then took eternal tour.
How to go from homely child to porker in a few short yearsA motherfucking photo essay on his goddamn trip to Wal-Mart. I shit you not. The reader is spared nothing -- every aspect of the trip, from his uglysister to each purchase (actual or merely contemplated) to testing out the blood pressure machine...everything.
The rest of his website was full of this kind of crap. He didn't even go emo, cut himself, listen to shitty music, or any of those Dawson's Creek staples.
But there is no giant so great that there is not an army of midgets kicking at his heels. Schumin, too, had to suffer fools, and in time they laid him low. (No, he still didn't get laid.)
But even the most avant garde measures could not prevent the inevitable indifference that came when people found that Schumin's real interests were above their heads, and eventually they moved on to other, greener pastures.
Go to a real college, kids, or this is the shit you'll wind up doing.
Ben works at something called Food and Water Watch, which means that he hangs around the food court at local malls and steals leftovers. He is damn near at the bottom of the totem pole there (scroll WAY down), and his job description means he is basically the office bitch, unworthy of even an email address. In his off time, he cries about not being a TOW admin while riding random buses in DC.
The lesson is simple: Never get fired from Wal-Mart, never make TOW your life, and never reveal the shallows of your soul on the goddamn Internet. You will never live it down.
If you get something like this in your email, run like a motherfucker.
Or this.
Or this.
Really, anything called "fan art" is probably a good reason to call the police.
Only the freshest memes for Ben!
