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Alek Minassian
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| |
|---|---|
| Alek Minassian | |
| DOB: | November 3, 1992 |
| Nationality: | Soviet Canuck 
|
| Highscore | Killed 10, Injured 13 |
| Top 25? | 43rd Place :( |
| Style | Single Player / Truck of Peace |
| An Hero? | Epic (suicide by police) Fail |
| Motive: | Virgin with rage |
Alek Minassian is an Armenian-Canadian best known worldwide as the present high-score holder for Canadian usage of Grand Theft Auto, when on April 23rd, 2018, he utilized the well-proven truck of peace to relieve 10 unfortunate canucks of their lives. Like other national treasures such as Luka Magnotta, Marc Lepine, and Justin Trudeau,
Alek Minassian sought to improve his life, and ideally end it, through bloodshed and notoriety. Unforunately for him, as a certified autist, he couldn't even get the police to shoot him, thus finding himself cucked for the umpteenth time.
Childhood
Minassian was born in Toronto, Canada, and was educated at Thornlea Secondary School. He was described as fidgety and socially awkward, symptoms that in retrospect clearly indicated autism. He was so lonely that he even sometimes hugged himself and made strange noises. An interview with his mother, Sona Minassian, suggested that he suffered from aspergers syndrome. Minassian was described as proficient with computers, and created an Android app to locate parking spaces in Toronto. At the time of his attack, Minassian had just graduated from Seneca College, a local post secondary intuition.
Incel Rebellion
On April 23rd, 2018, the bucolic nation of Canada was knocked into action by a 2.3 ton white moving van, hurtling down a pedestrian walkway at highway speeds. Eyewitnesses reported flying bodies, smushed canucks, and the wails of wives and children, as Alek deftly maneuvered his vehicle through crowds. After 20 minutes of grand theft auto re-enactment, the vehicle hit a bollard, and Minassian stepped out, only to be confronted by police. 10 people were killed, and an additional 14 were injured.
Supreme Gentlemenry
At first, the Old Media was convinced itself that this was yet another case of mental illness, then as possibly revenge for the Armenian genocide, or possibly the innate violence of autists manifested in truck format. Meanwhile, the retards top minds on reddit and pol convinced themselves that the religion of peace was once again the culprit. The truth turned out to be far purer, far more elegant - it was to be the start of the incel uprising. In an ill-advised post to Facebook, Alek Minassian promised to overthrow the Chads and the Stacies, and praised the Supreme Gentleman himself - conveniently neglecting to note that without thots, he would never get laid.
Needless to say, the feminists lost their shit, and a torrent of vitriol flowed from the old media on the dangers of toxic masculinity and autistics.
An Hero Fail
Originally, Alek Minassian tried to kill himself. When that didn't work, he tried to get the police to kill him, by pointing a "gun" at the police, and demanding that he be shot. Unfortunately, it turns out the pigs are the real Chads, and Minassian really was just another virgin, and he was promptly cucked when the police arrested him without firing a single shot. As a result of this oversight, he can look now forward to conviction, then detainment and anal rape, for so long as it pleases Her Majesty. Fail.
High Score
| Graded score | |
|---|---|
| Kill count: | 10/20 (14 injured) |
| Accuracy: | 8/20 Not great accuracy-wise considering he was driving a van |
| Style: | 5/20 Failed at becoming an hero |
| Butthurt: | 20/20 Feminists in an outrage; the Prime Minister personally bawled on twitter. |
| Bonus: | 20/20 Most effective use of Grand Theft Auto in Canada. |
| Total score: 63/100 (D) | |
Wanted Level:
___________________
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___________________
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Police Force
See Also
- Elliot Rodger
- Love Shy
- Misogyny
- Luka Magnotta
- George Sodini
- Marjan Siklic
- Fedora
- Friend Zone
- Nice guys
- Virgin
