Unabomber
Theodore Kaczynski, aka The Unabomber, was a hobo living in a shack in Iowa or something and made a living shrapnel bombing babies and writing Gonzo journalism which he later extorted the newspapers in to printing, in lieu of a'sploding metal splinters in their goatse'd rosy pink orifices. Besides writing turgid wankery and making crude explosive devices, he was also a major cunt. He sent bombs to several universities and airlines from the late 1970s through the mid-1990s, and helped make airport security the clusterfuck it is today. Even at making shit worse, we're way better than those towelhead dickbags.
When you see it, you will shit shrapnel
The dystopian nature of his ramblings are pretty common with people who were dropped on the head as a newborn and grew up in a shack in no-mans land without electricity, pussy and sewers.
Cockzinsky or how ever the fuck his name is pronounced, was charged by the FBI for a number of things, but mainly blowing shit up. In his April 24, 1995 letter to the New York Times, he promised "to desist from terrorism" if the Times or a similarly respected jews' journal would publish his manifesto. The Times caved, proving that they are pretty cool guys.
Kaczynski's moniker as the Unabomber was derived from his FBI codename. Before his real identity was known, the FBI used the handle "UNABOM" ("UNiversity and Airline BOMber") to refer to his case, which resulted in variants such as Unabomer, Unibomber, and Unabomber when the media started using the name, as is customary of the media to fuck things up the moment they lay their filthy hands on it.
A growin' boy
He was born to Polish parents, which explains his ability to survive without electricity, water or a shitter that wasn't a branch. It does not explain, however, how he got materials to make a bomb as household items are non-existent in Poland, where people survive through the ingestion of tobacco, tractor-oil and gravel.
He went to Kindergarten and school South of Chicago in Evergreen Park, which makes it a pretty safe bet he hung out with the Blues Brothers and some negroes singing about disenfranchisement of the black people, backed by harmonica players named things like Blind Dead McJones and the lyrics sounding something like “I ain't got nuffin and dey takin' dat too”.
It was discovered at an early age that he had a high IQ, which at first was thought to be signs of a genius, but as we know now proven by people like Stephen Hawking, a high IQ usually just means you're a dickbag with a huge fucking ego. He studied math at the University of Michigan, which explains his unwarranted sense of self-importance.
A guide for a generation
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Warning! Actual relevant TL;DR shit follows. |
—Unabomber, http://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Industrial_Society_and_Its_Future | ||
This bland Orwellian wet dream recycled bullshit is obviously something he got turned on by, because he lived in a shack and couldn't get internet pr0n like regular deviants, the curious nature and lucidity of his radical reasoning aside.
The world waits anxiously as people start to Rule 34 The Manifesto and Mugshot of this banana-pie mongrel.
White Americans Hate America
It is rumored that the Unabomber was copycatting Timothy McVeigh, but as we all know the Unatard didn't have intertubes or TV so he couldn't have known there was another white guy out to make American bestest and loveliest sunflower nation of world-desu.
Another possibility is David Koresh from the Waco An Hero-fest '93, but again there are big differences. David got laid constantly by 14 year olds, and Crackzinsky never even got a hummer in a bathroom stall from the blowdrier. Also, he didn't do something dumb like killing himself, even this guy didn't suck that much at life. I mean, getting 14 year olds to bang your hairy ass daily? What a putz.
Arrest and Imprisonment
Teddy was arrested on April 3, 1996, out in his backwoods rape cabin in Montana. After 17 years of getting away with shit, it ended up being his own brother who would blow the whistle on him (likely butthurt from being overshadowed his entire life by his brother's intellectual achievements). To this day, Ted and his brother still aren't talking. Ted himself now resides with Bubba, serving a life sentence without parole. For the 50th reunion of his class at Harvard, he made sure to send along a notice, in case anybody wanted to know what he was up to. Under "awards" he put "Eight life sentences, issued by the United States District Court for the Eastern District of California, 1998". The families of his victims bawwww'd at this joke on his part, with some dong's widow saying, "Everything is a game for him to push people’s buttons". You can send him your fan mail here:
- Theodore Kaczynski
- USP FLORENCE ADMAX
- U.S. PENITENTIARY
- PO BOX 8500
- FLORENCE, CO 81226
Videos
See Also
- His TL;DR Manifesto: 1 2 3
- Terrorist
- Anders Breivik
- 1984
- Lulz
- Chris Dorner
