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Ruslan Akhtyamov: Difference between revisions
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Latest revision as of 19:59, 3 December 2022
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| Ruslan Akhtyamov | |
| Nationality: | Ruskie 
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| High Score | 4 killed, 1 injured |
| Top 50? | FUCK NO |
| Style | Single Player |
| An Hero? | Shotgun mouthwash |
On April 26th 2022, two months into Putin's escapades, some batshit insane Vatnik named Ruslan Akhtyamov would go for the High Score after finally snapping. He broke into a gun owner's house then shot up a fucking kindergarten. He racked up an astounding kill count of 4 before logging off for good.
Ruslan in the flesh (and blood)
So, who was Ruslan really? Was he an alt-right extremist? Was he influenced by these faggots? Was he a glowie? No, not at all. He wasn't any of that. The ongoing investigation shows Ruslan had a personality disorder, was a basement dweller, and was balding at the tender age of 26. Does that remind you of anyone?
Sometime in 1996, Mrs. Akhtyamov would go to the toilet to take a shit, only to find out that that piece of shit could walk, talk, cry and kill kids. And thus, Ruslan was born. Not much is known about him, but just looking at him, he was probably bullied as a kid for having a retarded looking head. You may think that this prevented him from having any friends, but you are wrong. He made 1 friend; an old man who would occasionally invite him over to shoot guns.
A few years later, Ruslan began developing a severe bout of Insane Retard Syndrome, (scientific name: Insanis retardis), or just IRS. This got so bad to the point where he had to be registered as mentally ill by the fucking state! Of course, that didn't stop the old man from letting him onto his property to use his guns.
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The shooting
April 26th for him was the day of hardcore. And also of rape, so let's see his to-do list! To do a mass shooting you will need a gun. Ruslan wasn't eligible for that, but he had a great idea! Brutally murder his best friend and steal his shotgun for the lulz. With that done, you need somewhere to attack. The target he chose was a kindergarten, serving as yet another major lulzfest. Ruslan entered the school during naptime, in order to fap to the sleeping kiddies first. Suddenly an employee spotted him and tried to stop him, but no one can stop a batshit insane Ruski, so he shot her in the head. Next up Ruslan killed 2 sleeping kiddies before shooting another "hero" who tried to stop him, injuring her in the arm. After a quick nut, he decided to do what the two other Ruski fags couldn't do, and joined the ranks of an hero. This shooting ended up being a proper lulzfest as shootings in Russia aren't very common, especially not kindergarten shootings. As of now, the war made mass shootings less common in Russia and Ukraine, and for lulzy purposes. This shooting was a nice change of pace to Europe. Good job!
Russia and Mass Shootings
Why did Russia become such a hotbed for Mass Shootings? That's our job! >:(
Ever since Dmitry Vinogradov's High Score attempt in 2012, there have been a fuckton of Russian players trying to get onto the European FPS leaderboard, with only one actually succeeding: Vladislav Roslyakov, a pasty noodle-armed Columbiner and faggot that racked up 20 kills using a shotgun and a bomb that actually fucking worked! 3 years later would come Ilnaz Galyaviev, one of Vlad's many, many fanboys who racked up 9 kills despite using a semi-auto shotgun, and Timur Bekmansurov, a copycat of Ilnaz, a copycat of a copycat, who got a shitty K:I ratio of 6:47, and got one of his legs amputated. (Dis)honorable mentions go to some 15 year old retard who held his school hostage and killed a cop, and Daniil Monakhov, who attempted to bring a gun to his school, before his grandma found the gun, and instead went on a killing spree around his shitty little village, killing 4 (including aforementioned grandma) before an heroing near a bus stop.
This has caused the Russian government to shit themselves, first blaming Western culture, before moving onto passing stricter gun laws in Russia, a country that already has a fuckload of gun control, though that didn't really stop our hero from attempting to get the High Score. How? He just stole the shotgun the old man let him use, and killed him with it. Can't really regulate stolen guns, can you :D?
Graded Score
| Kill count: | 4/20 4 killed and 1 injured |
|---|---|
| Accuracy: | 16/20 |
| Style: | 15/20 Stole the gun, entered the classroom at naptime and targeted a kindergarten. |
| Butthurt: | 7/20 Moderate asshurt in Russia, overshadowed by more pressing matters. |
| Bonus: | 9/20 Stole an old man's shotgun and killed him with it before shooting up the kindergarten. |
See Also
- Batshit insane - duh
- Gun control - What was enacted after Ilnaz and Timur's failfests, and yet failed to stop Ruslan.
- I masterbauted right after the Sandy Hook Shooting - Probably what this guy did
- Russia - Where this all happened
- Mamoru Takuma - Got a better score with a fucking knife lol
- Vladislav Roslyakov - Owner of Russia's Golden iPod
- War - What this was overshadowed by
