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Howard Unruh
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FACT ALERT: This man was the former US champion! Pay your respects, noob. |
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The subject of this article is a faggot with rage. |
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NO COLOREDS The events described in this article took place prior to the invention of colors in the 1960s. Expect all images to be presented in 50 shades of grey. |
—Howard Unruh | ||
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|---|---|
| Howard Barton Unruh | |
| Born | January 21, 1921 |
| Died | October 19, 2009 (aged 88) |
| Nationality: | Americunt 
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| Occupation | Former veteran and US High Score champion, fudgepacker |
| Highscore | Killed 13, injured 3 |
| Top 50? | No |
| Style | FPS, open world Single player |
| An Hero? | No, pussied out and was arrested. |
| Motive | Gay rage, PTSD, batshit insane schizo |
It was an all too regular morning on September 6, 1949. Americans woke up and enjoyed a Nazi-free world, wimminz in the kitchen, and a segregated life. No one would expect that one batty boy, war vet, and train autist Howard Unruh would not only embark on an epic FPS adventure, but would also invent the common American pastime and trolling technique of the mass shooting, and establish himself as the OG high scorer. Wracked with (assumedly) PTSD and gay raeg over both missing a date and someone messing with his fence (seriously!), along with a budding hatred and paranoia of his neighbors, it was the perfect storm for the first killstreak in the US servers. Ban tactical assault gays.
Background
Unruh was the oldest son in a divorced family. You can see where this is going already. He had a younger brother named James, and both were raised by their mom. He grew up in Hell on Earth AKA New Jersey and graduated from Woodrow Wilson High School (named after fellow mass murderer) in 1939. His yearbook said that he was shy and that he wanted to become a government employee. As we all know, people who want to or are working for the government are psychopaths, so this should've been a red flag already.
During the great lulzfest that was WW2, Unruh enlisted in 1942, and had a gay old time as an armor crewman across Europe from 1944-45. His section chief remembered him as a first-class soldier who never drank, swore, or chased girls. He spent most of his time reading his Bible and writing letters crying to his mom. He also kept ridiculously detailed notes on n00bs pwnt in battles, and the details of the corpses. Corpse fetish aside, he was awarded 3 medals for his service.
After the war ended, he returned to New Jersey to live with his mama. However, war changed ol' Howie, and he became more moody, nervous, and detached. He wasn't always a NEET though, as he held a job as a sheet-metal worker briefly before enrolling into a pharmacy school, but quit due to poor physical condition. He then retired into the NEET life, hanging out around the house, putting his dumb gay medals everywhere, reading his Babble, and practicing his shooting in the basement, which he had turned into a practice range. Totally not preparing for anything btw.
Unruh also turned out to be a huge dick to his neighbors over "derogatory remarks made about [his] character." If this was real, it probably was due to his love of cock, but this was more likely than not schizobabble. He also had a feud with his pharmacist neighbor over him using her backyard to access his apartment.
On the day before the killings, Unruh went to the movie theater to meet a man he was having buttsecks with, but, GASP, was late and had arrived to find no man to take it up the ass for. To add insult to injury, when he returned home, the gate he installed the day before was gone. This. Meant. War.
The Shooting
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Being stood up AND having his fence removed was apparently too much for our very reasonable hero. He decided to enact his plot of revenge the next morning, and after eating a breakfast prepared by his mom, went out guns-a-blazing. After telling his mom "brb, neighborhood", he walked out of his apartment with his Luger, and shot some poor dumbfuck bread delivery truck driver; missing by a few inches and letting him run. He then went to visit shoemaker neighbor John Plarchik, who he shot and killed for having a dumb fucking name. Unsatisfied, he then went to a barbershop owned by his neighbor Clark Hoover, who was cutting the hair of a six-year-old Orris Smith. He headshotted Hoover and shot Smith in the neck. After this, he went to a pharmacy and pwned to an insurance man.
Unsatisfied, he saw the owner and his wife fleeing upstairs and followed them there, and pwned the wife, owner, and the grandma, leaving their 12-year old son alive. What a sick fuck. Unruh then fired at a car and killed the driver Alvin Day, and went to tailor Thomas Zegrino's tailor shop. He wasn't there, so Unruh just decided to kill his wife. As is the case with some mass shooters, he was cucked by a door to a grocery store he tried firing into, he instead opted to shoot a car waiting at the intersection and killed the 3 occupants. STILL unsatisfied, he fired through an apartment window and KILLED A FUCKING BABY named Thomas Hamilton (srsly), causing the caregiver to faint and collapse. Ironically, Unruh later claimed he didn't even know who he saw in the window and if he hit them until after being arrested. He then fired at another car (and missed), was shot at by Frank Engel (who hit him in the leg), he fired at several people across the street (missing AGAIN), shot at a mother and son hanging out blankets to dry (but they survived), blah blah blah blah.
Having acquired a 5-star wanted level, our homo hero quickly absconded to his apartment, and engaged in an epic gunfight. During this, a journalist found Unruh's number and dialed it. What happened to journalists with THOSE kinds of big balls? The following exchange is completely unaltered:
The lulzfest would end when police BTFO'd Unruh with two tear gas bombs, the second one going off and filling the room with gas. After being yelled at to come down, Unruh surrendered and fell down the stairs, and was v&. The pigs found a fuckton of weapons; guns, knives, bullet-making stuff, and more than 700 rounds. They also found marksmanship medals, Unruh's target rage, sex hygiene books, and a Bible opened to Matthew, Chapter 24, which was about "the end times". Coincidence? I THINK NOT!
After The Fab Shooting
After being v&, Unruh caved in and gave a detailed summary of his actions (probably didn't give a fuck) and also discovered the bullet wound. He had 13 charges of murder and 3 accounts of assault, but was diagnosed as a schizo and found to be insane, making him immune to criminal prosecution. It was the 40's, to be fair. He was sent to the New Jersey Hospital for the Insane, and remained there until dying of oldfag in 2009. His last words were the quote at the top of this article.
Graded Score
| Kill count: | 13/20 (3 injured) |
|---|---|
| Accuracy: | 18/20 That time in the army paid off |
| Style: | 15/20 Totally fab, but just walked around the place and shot people. |
| Butthurt: | 15/20 First US high scorer |
| Bonus: | 20/20 The first US double-digit high scorer, also got away with it! |
Wanted Level:
AIDS Clinic
Victims
- John Joseph Pilarchik, 27
- Orris Martin Smith, 6
- Clark Hoover, 45
- James Hutton, 46
- Rose Cohen, 38
- Minnie Cohen, 63
- Dr. Maurice J. Cohen, 39
- Alvin Day, 24
- Thomas Hamilton, 2
- Helga Kautzach Zegrino, 28
- Emma Matlack, 68
- Helen Wilson, 37
- John Wilson, 9
See Also
- Patrick Purdy - Fellow fag
- Charles Whitman - Successor, usurped his high score
- Thomas Hamilton - Pedo, had the same name as a victim
- Homosexuality - What he suffered from
- Elliot Rodger - His straight counterpart?
- Schizophrenia
- Don't ask, don't tell
- Robert Benjamin Smith - Fellow oldfag who also got away with it
- Ian David Long, Micah Johnson, Mark Essex - fellow pissed off armymen
External Links
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Howard Unruh is part of a series on Visit the Faggotry Portal for complete coverage. |
