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Unabomber
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BREAKING NEWS!! He's dead
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Theodore John Kaczynski, aka the Unabomber, was a mad hobo that lived in a shack near Lincoln, Montana and made a living by shrapnel bombing babies and writing Gonzo journalism, which he later extorted the newspapers into printing. In lieu of a'sploding metal splinters in their goatse'd rosy pink orifices. But besides writing turgid wankery and crafting crude shack-made devices, he was also a major incel asshole. He sent letter bombs to several universities and airlines from the late 1970s through the mid-1990s, and helped make airport security the clusterfuck it is today even before it was cool. It was the longest and most expensive case the FBI has ever had. Ted would commit suicide in prison on June 10, 2023.
When you see it, you will shit shrapnel
The dystopian nature of his ramblings are pretty common with people who were dropped on the head as a newborn and grew up in a shack in no-mans-land without electricity, pussy, and sewers.
Cockzinsky, or however the fuck his name is pronounced, was charged by the FBI for a number of things, but mainly being awesome and blowing shit up. In his April 24, 1995 letter to the New York Times, he promised "to desist from terrorism" if the Times or a similarly respected jews' journal would publish his manifesto. The Times caved, proving that they are pretty cool guys.
Kaczynski's cool moniker as the Unabomber was derived from his FBI codename. Before his real identity was known, the FBI used the handle "UNABOM" ("UNiversity and Airline BOMber") to refer to his case, which resulted in variants such as Unabomer, Unibomber, and Unabomber when the media started using the name, as is customary of the media to fuck things up the moment they lay their filthy hands on it.
A growin' boy
He was born to Polish parents, which explains his ability to survive without electricity, water, or a shitter that doesn't flush. It does not explain, however, how he got materials to make a bomb as household items are non-existent in Poland, where people survive through the ingestion of tobacco, tractor oil, and gravel.
He went to Kindergarten and school South of Chicago in Evergreen Park, which makes it a pretty safe bet he hung out with the Blues Brothers and some negroes singing about the disenfranchisement of the black people, backed by harmonica players named things like Blind Dead McJones and the lyrics sounding something like “I ain't got nuffin and dey takin' dat too”.
It was discovered at an early age that he had a high IQ, which at first was thought to be a sign of a genius, but as we know now proven by people like Stephen Hawking, a high IQ usually just means you're a dickbag with a huge fucking ego. He studied math at the University of Michigan, which explains his unwarranted sense of self-importance.
How the CIA made the Unabomber
Young Ted went to Harvard to study math. It was there that he began to fall into despair at the worldview drummed into students' heads, in which all human behavior was meaningless except science and morality was simply invented by religion. His mental health began to suffer as a result of being reoriented into a fundamentally empty world.
At this crucial stage, young Ted was inducted into what he thought was a behavioral test, not unlike the psychological profiling he had to undergo to enter Harvard in the first place. But in fact, it was a study being carried out by CIA-funded psychologists as part of MKULTRA, and aimed at discovering "breaking points" in the human psyche. Students were made to write out detailed descriptions of their hopes and ambitions. They were then interrogated under spotlights in a darkened room, and their dreams verbally torn to shreds, their ideas mocked and belittled, and their personalities attacked with great hostility and aggression. Any attempt by a subject to argue against this onslaught was met with accusations (shouted in their faces) that the student was a liar. The entire ordeal was filmed, and students were later forced to watch their interrogations on several occasions, to reinforce the humiliation and despair.
After this experience, young Ted renounced science, retreated to a cabin in the woods and became firmly convinced that a society based on technology was inherently evil and had to be destroyed. You can sort of see why, really.
Despite all this, he never thought he could bring down industrial civilization himself with his poxy home-made bombs and manifesto, he had a private Cloward-Piven Strategy in which he was merely the first in a new wave of saboteurs who would be inspired by the nationwide publication of his manifesto and eventually cause technological culture to crumble
TL;DR, the government was behind all of this, like every tragedy you may have read by now.
A guide for a generation
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Warning! Actual relevant TL;DR shit follows. |
—Unabomber, Industrial Society and Its Future | ||
This bland Orwellian wet dream recycled bullshit is obviously something he got turned on by, because he lived in a shack and couldn't get internet pr0n like regular deviants, the curious nature and lucidity of his radical reasoning aside.
The world waits anxiously as people start to Rule 34 The Manifesto and Mugshot of this banana-pie mongrel.
White Americans Hate America
It is rumored that the Unabomber was copycatting Timothy McVeigh, but as we all know the Unatard didn't have Intertubes or TV so he couldn't have known there was another white guy out to make American bestest and loveliest sunflower nation of world-desu.
Another possibility is David Koresh from the Waco An Hero-fest '93, but again there are big differences. David got laid constantly by 14-year-olds, and Crackzinsky never even got a hummer in a bathroom stall from the blowdrier. Also, he didn't do something dumb like killing himself, even this guy didn't suck that much at life. I mean, getting 14 year olds to bang your hairy ass daily? What a putz.
Arrest and Imprisonment
Teddy was arrested on April 3, 1996, out in his backwoods rape cabin in Montana. After 17 years of getting away with shit, it ended up being his own brother who would blow the whistle on him (likely butthurt from being overshadowed his entire life by his brother's intellectual achievements). To this day, Ted and his brother still aren't talking. Ted himself now resides with Bubba, serving a life sentence without parole. For the 50th reunion of his class at Harvard, he made sure to send along a notice, in case anybody wanted to know what he was up to. Under "awards" he put "Eight life sentences, issued by the United States District Court for the Eastern District of California, 1998". The families of his victims bawwww'd at this joke on his part, with some dong's widow saying, "Everything is a game for him to push people’s buttons". You can send him your fan mail here:
- Theodore Kaczynski
- USP FLORENCE ADMAX
- U.S. PENITENTIARY
- PO BOX 8500
- FLORENCE, CO 81226
Videos
Gallery
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So much for "hope". -
Original police sketch. -
Arrest reward poster (FBI was desperate.)
Graded Score
| Graded score | |
|---|---|
| Kill count: | 3/20 23 Injured |
| Accuracy: | 8/20 |
| Style: | 20/20 Mailed bombs that exploded right in their faces for increased lulz |
| Butthurt: | 15/20 |
| Bonus: | 15/20 Wasn't caught for nearly 20 years! |
| Total score: 61/100 (D) | |
Wanted Level:
Federal Bureau of Investigation
See also
External links
- His TL;DR Manifesto:
| Article of the Now June 11, 12 & June 13, 2023 | ||
| Preceded by War |
Unabomber | Succeeded by TBA |
