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Reina Nightclub Massacre
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"Come on, it's lovely weather For a slay (ride together with you)" |
As 2017 kicks in, residents of Istanbul, Turkey (both native and foreign) decide to do what they do best: go to an exclusive, near-maximum capacity nightclub to commemorate the end of a shitty year and what would be the many days ahead of them. Unfortunately, getting drunk on the first day of a brand new year isn't going to make you invincible. This rang true for those inside when a lone gunman, Abdulkadir Masharipov☪, dressed as Santa Claus (disproven) armed with an AK-47 and a limitless supply of stun grenades became the much lulzier Satan Claus but somewhat shittier 2.0 version of Omar Mateen and proceeded to murder 39 clubbers and injure 79 more.
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|---|---|
| Santa Claus | |
| Born | August 2, 1988 (36 years old) |
| Nationality: | Uzbek-Turkroach  
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| Occupation | Santa Claus cosplayer |
| Highscore | Killed 39, injured 79 |
| Top 50? | 6thth |
| Style | FPS, Single player |
| An Hero? | No, captured 2 weeks later |
| Motive | ISIS recruitment drive |
The Shooting
Our protagonist attacked at night, during a time of heightened security measures with approximately 17,000 on-duty police officers spread across the city (but obviously they didn't do their fucking job right). The precautions were put in place following several terrorist attacks in recent months, many of which were perpetrated by ISIS and Kurdish militants. In lieu of the celebratory climate, and to maximize lulz, our gunman donned a Santa Claus outfit for his mission. He adopted a highly sophisticated plan of attack, which was to storm in guns blazing and shoot randomly at anything in sight like a chimp and hope the Santa costume would disguise his acts as a comedy sketch.
Hundreds of partygoers, including men in suits and women in cocktail dresses, were seen emerging from the club in a state of shock. It was estimated up to 600 people may have been in the nightclub at the time of the shooting. Due to a combination of our protagonist's wit and the police being overweight and therefore unable to run properly, the gunman managed to blend in with the panicked crowd and escape. Authorities took more than two weeks to finally catch the guy, but from what we know of Abdulkadir Masharipov, he's a pretty cool guy.
After securing an admirable 6thth place on the high score leaderboard, Masharipov managed to escape the nightclub and not get v& just yet. Although a true jihadist in this situation would obviously an hero with an explosive vest, we suppose we can grant an exception here due to the impressive single-player kill count. The police force in Turkey is so shitty they couldn't even identify Masharipov for 9 days, but they finally got their shit together and v& his ass on the 16th before he could launch a second attack and become the Uzbek version of William Unek.
Foreign Media Coverage
Like the idiots that they are, old media originally thought that there were two gunman, not one. This turned out to be false later on, but it does give a perfect example of how the news and other media sources are so quick to report on shit without knowing the true facts. Like the Mevlüt Mert Altıntaş incident which actually happened not too long ago, the gunman reportedly shouted "Allahu Akbar" while firing at the patrons. Turkey's President Recep Erdogan stated that the country was going to fight against terrorism, and was determined to destroy the source of threats and attacks against it. Once Turkish authorities realized that others were reporting on the event, they immediately sperged out on everyone and issued a temporary gag order. The shooting has been described as a 'terrorist attack' by Istanbul's governor, Vasip Şahin. Turkey's Prime Minister, Binali Yildirim, has denied initial reports that the shooter had been dressed as Santa Claus. A number of people jumped into the Bosphorus Strait to escape the attack, and we can only hope those losers drown to death because nobody will miss them. On January 2, ISIS took responsibility on Twitter for the attack, but authorities are still scrambling to find the killer.
America's Response
Obama was vacationing with his family in Hawaii so he really didn't give a shit, and only knew of the massacre when he was briefed on the attack by his national security. More sufficient evidence that he didn't give a fuck, he asked to be constantly updated as the situation developed, White House spokesman Eric Schultz said. They condemned what it was called as a "horrific terrorist attack" and offered help to Turkey, even though they knew for sure that they weren't going to give help for any person in that dump of a third-world country, and as the President of Dumbfuckistan, you know you only want the job to make yourself be considered as a public figure and not do anything you said you were going to do. Plus, if Obama did end up giving a slight fuck about what happened, it was only to congratulate Sir Masharipov on a masterful takedown of nearly 40 filthy turks and foreigners, and help him potentially escape undetected to Dumbfuckistan, as any true jihadist deserves. If only he knew how to fly a Cessna, he would have truly made Obama proud.
Sick Ass Gameplay Footage
Score
| Kill count: | 39/20 |
|---|---|
| Accuracy: | 7/20 Just spammed shit like a faggot |
| Style: | 10/20 Went in there and did what he had to do. |
| Butthurt: | 18/20 "muh New Year ruined" |
| Bonus: | 10/20 Zerg rushed everyone |
Wanted Level:
National Guard
See Also
External Links
