Minecraft

It's no surprise this game is getting a stupid movie.

This page contains spoilers — important plot secrets and/or conclusions may be revealed. For example,
HOLY SHIT the Minecraft movie is just the 1993 Super Mario Bros. movie all over again!!!1

This article has been cleaned up, and it was a trip to hell and back. Please, don't fuck it up.

Not to be confused with Mein Kampf.

Minecraft (better known as Chris-Chan's Extreme Autism: Underground) is an over-rated online sandbox game programmed entirely in Java and is the brainchild of the fatass brilliant Swedish ego-manic Markus Persson , also known as “Notch.” It once had an enjoyable community but has since then been invaded by autistic and screaming 10 year old newfags.

The first incarnation of this game appeared in 2009 as a simple time waster in which you would manufacture pixel art of video game sprites and blocky schlongs with an assortment of colored blocks of all different textures. But like all great internet phenomena, it caught the attention of depraved channers and goons to cast their influence on Notch’s ambitious project, which in part made the game more popular than it’s worth.

Being a game made in Java it's sluggish, buggy, and overall extremely terrible; in fact being made in Java is the very reason why you shouldn't play it to begin with. All these problems are to be fixed rather sooner than later, since the abnormally large-framed Notch has finally given up on this shitty game, sold the rights to Microsoft, and left his suck-up former 'employee' Jeb to take over game design. This is, of course, a lie; evidently Jeb is just as lazy and disconnected from the playerbase as Notch ever was, and Microsoft are content to simply milk the IP for overpriced merchandise and godawful spin-offs.

This sums this up pretty well.

The Game

This happens a lot, Minecraft is unstable as fuck. It also has never ending bugs.

Minecraft's gameplay is composed mainly out of wandering pointlessly, having one finger inserted firmly up your rectum, and if you found that enjoyable enough to get to sunset, you later get raped by various creatures of the night. Although arguably the experience goes deeper than that, no matter how 'amazing' your Minecraft life appears to be it always can be boiled down to the previous sentence. Whenever he is not wandering around looking for that one block he needs to complete his giant golden cock and balls statue, the player is expected to grind the fuck out of mining, farming, tree cutting and, in some tragic cases, even mob-slaying, the one thing that keeps the Minecraft experience just a little bit more varied and organic than a plastic picnic-mat. Basically, playing Minecraft is like playing Second Life on an Atari.

Mobs

Mobs are just a bunch of NPCs that are designed to piss you off while you're building your house, which in most cases is a 6x12 hole dug 5 minutes before nightfall in the side of a stone cliff.

Passive Mobs

Pig - Pink thing that snorts at you until you kill it for pork chops. Notch added the completely fucking useless feature of being able to ride pigs. First, you go down to the depths of the fucking earth to get a saddle, then you place it on the pig, then you right click it. ~~You can't control the pig at all, and it moves the same way that it does when you aren't riding it, so its fucking useless other than fulfilling Notch's sick fantasy~~ You can control it now, but you need a carrot on a stick to attempt to control it. Still fucking worthless.

Cow - Likes to jump in your face until you milk it or kill it for leather and beef. Milk in Minecraft functions as an antidote for food poisoning, which is ironic because normally if you ate rotten meat and then had milk that'd be suicide.

Mooshroom - A cow that has mushrooms growing on it's back. It's completely fucking worthless unless you like stew.

Sheep - ~~You only get wool from these guys.~~ LOL NEVERMIND, mutton was added in 1.8. They can now eat grass to regain their wool. This is pointless because in the game you need a total of 3 wool to make a bed.

Wolf - Because Notch wanted to cater to furries. If you hit one of these animals, they will rip the shit out of you. If you give them bones, hearts will fly everywhere. Now the dog will follow you and attack anything you hit.

Squid - Pointless pieces of shit that live in water. You only get ink sacks from them and they do nothing except make books to write erotic fanfiction in.

Villager - Creepy, big nosed creatures with crossed arms. All they do is sit around in villages and practically do nothing besides having gay orgies to make babies. You can get different clothed people to show their jobs in society but nobody cares about that since they all act the same anyway. Another way these can be recognised as jews is that you can trade in all of your valuable emeralds for a piece of fried chicken. In short, the fan-made "Millenaire Mod" was at least 100 times better than these Jewish pricks. A major reason for this is that Millenaire villagers can actually build shit while the default villagers sit around and charge you money to do shit for them like the fat ugly jews they are. You can now enslave them for unlimited mending books.

Snow Golem - Made from a pumpkin and snow blocks. Basically, a wolf with a brain of Chris-chan. They fire snowballs at enemies that reduces their health by 0.1 each time. Completely pointless unless you want a distraction. They also melt if you take them anywhere other than snowy areas, making them an even bigger fucking waste. The only real use is to let them be decoys while you run like the nigger you are.

Ocelot - Worthless pieces of ass that do jack shit except wander around and run away from you.

Fox - Added in 1.14, Foxes are like ocelots in the way they run away from you whenever you make the smallest movement. They can be "tamed" with berries although "taming" them only makes them not run away from you whenever you approach them.

Cat - Ocelots became untameable in 1.14 and were instead replaced with these shitstains which you can find in villages and can be tamed once you feed them fucktons of fish. They don't do anything except meow and make Creepers run away.

Iron Golem - These lumbering hunks of shit are possibly the coolest mob in the game mainly because they toss niggers 100 feet in the air and have 100 HP.

Bats - Useless squeaky things that fly into your face at night time and in dark areas for the sole purpose of blocking your attacks and making the game crash more.

Horses - Remember when riding pigs was completely fucking pointless because you could only control it until your carrot tied onto the end of a fishing rod breaks? Mojang copy/pasted Horses from a mod that was actually good but didn't give the creator money because Mojang employees hate sharing the Jew gold with people who actually do the fucking work (unfortunately, it wasn't the Mr. Hands add-on) to satisfy the needs of bronies. All they're useful for is getting to places faster, carrying your shit in chests and can jump higher than any other mob. You can tie the horses to a fence so that it won't run away like a pussy, and you can ride it like a pig should you have a saddle. Comes with silver, gold and diamond horse armor.

Rabbits - Added in 1.8, rabbits just basically hop around being useless. Killing them gives you meat and worthless rabbit hide, which can be made into cow leather. On extremely rare occasions, a hostile white rabbit will spawn as an obvious homage to the killer rabbit from Monty Python. It will rape you harder than bubba's massive Aborigine cock in a little Abbo's ass.

Axolotls - Added in 1.17, Axolotls are useless faggots that do nothing but live in caves and rape the tropical fish that spawn in the Lush Caves. They come in different colors with a rare blue texture if you breed enough of these faggots (1/1200 chance because that's how approximately how many of these fuckers are left in the wild IRL.) They can attack zombies and drowned if you feed them fish. IRL Axolotls are native to a singular lake in the outskirts of Meheeco City and because of that they are critically endangered.

Bees - Added in 1.15, they make honey and will rape you if you don't place a campfire down first before harvesting it. You can make honey blocks which are useful for redstone components but are completely useless for anything eles with the honey you collect, other than that they're complete shitstains.

Frogs - Added in 1.19, these pointless wankstains live in swamps and eat baby slimes (Mojang was originally going to add fireflies to Minecraft for frogs to eat but changed it at the last second because the nazis over at PETA would get butthurt if they made frogs eat something that's poisonous to them IRL). You can get froglights if you manage to make one eat a baby Magma Cube. If they eat regular slimes they wil ldrop absolutely nothing, making them fucking useless unless you manage to bring one to the Nether. They can jump pretty high and will often jump off cliffs and die like the stupid little retards they are.

Tadpoles - The retarded offspring of the aforementioned frogs. They don't do anything other then swim around in ponds and then turn into frogs after at least 100 years. Tadpoles can also be put in buckets and moved around if you want to make a shitty frog pond in your Minecraft world. The biome they grow in determines what color the frog will be.

Sniffer - Another useless mob added by Mojang in 1.20. These fuckstains can only be spawned if you can find their eggs in chests then plant them on moss and wait an eternity for a baby to spawn out of it. Then it sniffs for seeds, not wheat seeds, but rather ancient seeds for a useless plant that does fuck all once you plant it.

Glow Squid - Added after a mob vote that a certain Minecraft youtuber allegedly rigged and caused much butthurt in the Minecraft community, These things do absolutely nothing but die in caves and drop glowing ink sacs which can be used to make glowing item frames and signs, another feature that many players commonly use.

Camel - Added in 1.20, Camels are Like horses but slow as shit and only spawn in Desert villages. Camels are another mob that do next to buttfucking nothing except wander around and die once it gets stuck near a cactus.

Parrot - Added in 1.12, Parrots are tameable mobs that occasionally imitate the sounds of hostile mobs, including creepers which causes Minecraft players much Butthurt and sperg out and believe they're going to lose their precious base that they spent so much time on.

Strider - Added in 1.16 after Mojang decided it was time to give the Nether some more useful features, Striders can be ridden over lava assuming you have a saddle and warped fungus on a stick, both of which are next to impossible to find in the nether, Striders come with a caveat because if you die riding one you will lose the warped fungus you were using to control these bastards.

You can now breed animals by feeding them wheat, multiplying the faggotry in the game and also adding a bit of incest as well. If you feed an animal wheat (unless it's a pig, which prefers carrots and chickens, which prefer seeds), it enters love mode and if another animal of the same type is nearby and in love mode too, they have kinky hot nose sex until they ejaculate another version of themselves. In 1.9 prerelease 2 you could multiply animals like cells as long as you had wheat, but in all updates after, Notch changed it so that when 2 animals have a baby they can't make another until the baby grows up (which takes at least 100 years.)

Aggressive Mobs

Zombie - Once they were the easiest mobs to kill, but as of Minecraft 1.6, Mojang decided to make it so that if you go out for a stroll in the night time, you'll find yourself getting raped in the arse by over 9000 zombies. Now they're the most overpowered mob in the game.
Baby Zombies - The lovechilds of the already overpowered green niggers. They're faster and for some reason have as much health as a normal zombie. Also, they can ride on chickens.
Skeleton - One of the most annoying features of the game. It just sits in a dark corner spamming arrows at you until you die. Drops arrows and bones.
Creeper - The ultimate trolls of the game. They pick the moment when you just found your first diamond or two. When come near you, they hiss and explode and rape the shit out of anything near it. This causes major butthurt for the player. You can get gunpowder from them to make TNT. Also, they can get struck by lightning and that makes them have a wider blast radius for even moar rape.
Spiders - Annoying bug that likes to zerg rush new players and raep their faces at night. Able to climb in unfinished windows and over walls just to jump at your face with bullshit melee until it can t-bag your corpse. Does not burn in sunlight unlike undead mobs, so no time of the day is safe from them. Variations include Spider Jockies and Cave Spiders. Spider Jockies are spiders with skeletons riding them, and Cave Spiders are spiders that poison you which takes you down to HALF A HEART. You can get string for these guys to make bows and fishing rods. You can also get Spider Eyes to make potions with.
Slime - They live deep underground. If you kill one, they split into at least 100 more smaller ones. You can get slime balls from them and make ~~nothing but sticky pistons~~ as of 1.8 you can now make useless fucking slime blocks.
Enderman - They are EXACTLY like niggers: they are tall, black, they steal things, they can't swim, and if you look at them, they will freeze. If you look away from them, they will attack you. As soon as you look away from them they teleport and hit you from behind. They drop ender pearls that make them disappear. Throwing enderpearls can make you teleport but in sacrifice for self-harm.
Witch - Lives in shit stained tree houses in the swamps. Will throw potions at you until you become crippled.
Silverfish - If you mine the wrong block of stone in a cave, little hairy pricks come out and rape you. But then they wake up their buddies to rape even MOAR shit!
Enderdragon - Big ass dragon in The End. Swoops down to rape your shit all the time until you get off your ass and kill it by firing over 9000 arrows up its ass.
Zombie Pigman - They appear in the Nether or from a pig being struck by lightning (there's at least 100 percent chance that this will never happen). If you hit them, they use their golden swords to decapitate you. You get rotten meat and golden nuggets from them. They function like niggers: they spawn in groups, and if you hurt one, the whole group will come after you. They're called "zombified Piglins" now
Ghast - Huge flying, white squid ghost things that also live in the nether. Makes creepy baby noises and fires flaming meteors at you. The only two ways to kill them is by spamming arrows at them or reflecting the meteors back at them with your sword. You can get gunpowder and ghast tears from them but they always end up in lava anyway.
Magma Cube - Notch thought it would be a good idea to re-texture the slimes. They appear in the Nether and like to dismantle themselves. Like most mobs, they're fucking useless.
Blaze - They appear in Nether fortresses and catch fire to themselves before firing flaming meteors at you. These yellow flying pricks drop blaze rods which are essential for bonus pleasure points that add to your score at the end.future uses.
Wither Skeleton - The niggerfied version of the skeleton which happens to be taller and appears in the nether. Killing them will drop coal, bones, a sword, or a skull.
Wither - Once built with soul sand (shaped in a "T") and 3 wither skulls on top, you will summon a flying monster designed to clusterfuck anything and everything on the ground. And best of all, ~~it is close to impossible to kill it on survival~~ It's fairly easy to kill if you actually played the game long enough to get a fuckton of anvils to drop on it after it spawns, give it cannon fodder to attack while raping it in the back, or exploiting Notch's lack of maths to suffocate it to where the player needs to cock-slap it once to kill it. Drops a nether star on death and can be used of a shitty beacon that ups a few abilities within it's radius. PROTIP: Find a non-protected server and summon the Wither right next to a 13-year-old's house for teh lulz.
Guardian - Added in 1.8, these originally named oversized pufferfish come in two varieties, normal and Elder. Attacks include hitting you with dildos that grow from their bodies while swimming towards you to commence literal rape, and 360 no-scope sniper lazor l33t beams that come out of the eye of the penis, er, I mean, eye of the Guardian.
Warden - Because the Ender Dragon and Wither were too easy for the average Minecraft player, Mojang added a new "boss" to the game in 1.19 that has 500 FUCKING HP and instantly butt rapes you even if you're wearing full netherite armor.
Phantom - Annoying flying mob that likes to kamikaze you when you haven't slept in 3 days. Drops phantom membranes which can be made into slow falling potions which are fucking useless.

Planned Mobs

Please note that "planned" means "we'll say stuff to make you happy" in minecraft-dev-language and that the minecraft jew-devs are actually doing nothing more than fapping to MILF porn.

Fish - These mobs were announced back in 2010 and ~~they still haven't been added to the fucking game~~ NEVERMIND LOL. If they ever do get added they'd probably be wankstains. New fish have been added to the game as items, including one that tends to kill you if you eat it. Also added a chance to fish up gear...though more often than not you get some more useless shit. As of 1.13 fish are actual mobs and, as expected, are total wankstains.
Red Dragon - These mobs have been confirmed and will be the second asshole dragon to be in the game. They'll supposedly be more peaceful and they'll have lairs in cliffs. That being said, they'll still probably be able to rip you to shreds. Recent update has confirmed that these won't be appearing any time soon, if at all. Were over hyped by a click baiting jew called FireRockerzstudios.
Jayden (no, not that nigger retard son of Will smith, but a fat dick that no one likes and follows you around everywhere until he gets pissed at you. Also he will go on about "trolling" and thinks he is good at it.

Removed Mobs

Giant - Giants are giant mobs that do absolute shit and can't even break blocks. They have been partially removed from the game but their coding is still there, mainly so that hackers can spawn them on your game and scare the shit out of you, and/or because Notch is so fucking fat and lazy that he can't reach the backspace key.
Human - Humans were only in ~~Classic~~ (they were removed in classic you fuckwit) and they did nothing except run around like fucking retards. They had no use. Seriously. Later on, they were removed again near the end of beta. Before then, they would run around aimlessly, fucking up your shit in a similar manner to zombies.

Dimensions

Overworld - This is where you start off and live your every day life. Biomes include grass plains, swamps, jungles, snowy lands, deserts, forests and mushroom islands. The stuff you may find underground will be mine shafts, caves, tombs, and strongholds which all contain creatures of rape. It's also the only place where day and night happen.
Nether - You decide you don't want to life on this planet any more, build a portal out of obsidian and explore what would happen if WW3 took place. As soon as you enter the nether, you will be raped by zombie pigmen and cum throwing ghasts, if you don't fall into the deep oceans of lava first. Explore it even more and you will find fortresses with genital warts growing in them, guarded by Blazes and magma cubes.
The End - You may also find that the strongholds may contain a different portal. Shove a bunch of eyes of the ender into to it for it to open. This world is just a big block of white shit filled with endermen within a skybox that looks like a black tv fuzz. BUT THEN THERE IS A FUCKING HUGE DRAGON YOU HAVE TO KILL BY DESTROYING ITS HEALTH SOURCES AND WHEN IT DIES IT SHITS OUT EXPERIENCES ORBS AND A PORTAL UNDER A DRAGON EGG. Once you jump in, Notch pulls out his troll face and explains in the credits how he made his money from making you buy this shitty game in the first place with two people who take 10 minutes (not long to you) to tell you to get a life.
Skylands - This part of minecraft used to only be accessible by modding and generating it with an Indev game. Notch confirmed the Skylands would happen but then later replaced it with The End. It has since been confirmed again.

Weapons and Tools

Wooden tools - Slow and breaks after 5 uses. Same color as the word that describes it: Shit. Toss this shit in the fire when you finally mine some ores
Stone tools - Less slow...still shit, but upgraded shit. Thinking of mining the shit out of the undergrowth? this is the best way to use the cobblestone that seems to clusterfuck your inventory at least 100 percent of the entire game.
Iron tools - Very useful for getting stuff done quickly. PROTIP: Only use iron tools when trying to mine valuable ores. If you break them, you're the one that's gonna have to find more iron.
Golden tools - Mines faster than you can fap but breaks down in under 5 uses.
Diamond tools - Since it is so rare, diamond tools are quite fast and last for about 9001 uses. Only obtained by minecraft pros or cheaters.
Netherite tools - Since diamond tools were too weak, Mojang added another set of tools to the game that is hard as fuck to get and only spawn in the Nether. They have twice the strength of diamond tools and don't burn in lava since Minecraft players are complete retards and BAWWWWWW whenever they lose the tools they spent OVER 9000 hours to get, but you can still destroy them if you're enough of a retard to drop one on a cactus.

Pickaxe - Used to obtain underground crap like stone and ores.
Axe - Used for cutting down trees even though they seem to hover after being cut. Generally useless since you can punch them down.
Shovel - Useful for getting rid of sand, snow, dirt, and gravel but breaks very quickly for raping it too much.
Hoe - Useless piece of shit if you just want to survive. This rakes grass and soil for planting seeds (near water) like a Greenpeace hippy. Fence your crops off in case something tramples it down back to grass.
Sword - Built for blocking attacks and slicing niggers. In short, you're pretty much fucked if you don't have one of these unless you find an Jayden.
Bow - Fires arrows that reach the distant lands if you charge your shots long enough. Built for no-scoping codfags who are too much of a pussy to get out of their bases and fight the bitches themselves. Well...either that or they don't need exp or loot. All though it can kill anything flying or walking across the map, it does run out of uses and needs arrows in order to fire it.

Torches - Fairly useful when you can't see for shit at night or underground and stops mobs from spawning near you. It is also good to place torches around your house so you don't get lost (or write down the coordinates using the F3 function) even though nobody knows how to use it.
Bucket - Made of iron to pick up water and lava. PROTIP: Get on a survival server filled with 13 year old boys and pour lava over their houses for maximum lulz.
Flint and steel - A troll's best friend. It lights shit on fire! Find a non-protected area in a server. Go to the nearest house made out of wood (if someone is that retarded to do such a thing). BURN IT and run like fuck. Extreme butthurt will occur.
TNT - A troll's second best friend. Takes a fuck load of creeper killing but it's worth it in the end. Like the 'flint and steel', it can rape anybody's house even if it isn't made of wood (unless it's made of obsidian). Place it, apply a redstone current to it or set it on fire, and run like fuck from the explosion! This is considered to be the ultimate lulz generator in the entire game since it can also crash the entire server if you explode enough of them.

Game Modes

Classic - One of the two free versions of the game; affords the player over 9000 generic blocks with which they can construct genitalia of all shapes and sizes whilst free-roaming the pathetically minuscule world.
Creative - Works exactly like Classic except the player has the ability to fly, mobs can't rape you and you won't ever die... unless you're fucking retarded and manage to dig through the bottom of the map.
Survival - The only mode anybody plays. You assume the character of Bear Grylls struggling to survive whilst building big blocky penises, only this time you have to EARN the blocks you use and produce stupid weapons to keep creepers from molesting not only you but your gay house. Bonus blocks are not awarded for urine consumption.
Hardcore - The same as Survival except you don't respawn so if you die you're screwed; some argue that this is an attempt by Mojang to whip some lusers into reality. PROTIP: Kill admin on a Hardcore servers for instant lulz.
Demo - Also the same as Survival however it's free; it lasts for five in-game day cycles... which are around five minutes long IRL. Played by people too cheap to buy the game or too dumb to pirate it.
Adventure - A fantastically useless mode that works exactly like Survival except that you can't break blocks without the correct tools. ~~or build dicks.~~ (Notch was sick of the BAWWING and allows it now) Completely worthless and utilised only by dedicated autists in the formation of poorly designed obstacle courses.
Capture the Flag - This a planned game mode that Notch is too fucking lazy to update, not that he needs to since the united basement dwellers of the world have made this shit in at least 100 different ways via server mods..

Game Personalization

Player Skins - Allows you to change your appearance in the game to be a furfag or trap, which is pretty much useless unless you either play multiplayer a lot or are lame enough to play in 3rd-person mode.
Custom Maps & Servers - Shitty adventure maps that are usually complete shit and/or have very poor storylines.
Mods - Mods are basically just shitty add-ons to the game made by people with nothing better to do with their lives. Most mods are extremely poorly made, cause extreme lag or memory consumption, and crash your game 99% of the time.

Griefing

	“	What kind of sick person would actually ENJOY griefing!!??	„
	—everyone on the minecraft forums

Griefing is discouraged in Minecraft. But in actuality, it's not griefing, it's raiding, or provoking a thirteen year old faggot into raging until his balls drop. However, the autistic kids who play Minecraft believe that someone going around setting fire to everything is griefing, and that only good people exist in the universe. Protip: doing this IRL isn't griefing, it's called arson and will get you v&. However, if you somehow gain access to spawning TNT in a server, the following is the best course of action:

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Many PVP servers have asspie admins who put in plugins that ruin the server by disabling fire and explosions. Doing so completely removes the possibility of going to the Nether as well as burning down shitty wooden houses other people made, blowing them up, and TNT mining, but they do this because "explozins and fir r gey".

	“	Why are explosions disabled on this server? Its PVP	„
	—cunt

	“	oh no its michal myers and he needs his expl,osions lol!!! XDD	„
	—faggot

	“	SHUT UP OR IL DDOS U U FEG!!11!ONE!!	„
	—cunt

Alternatively, some people in Minecraft claim to be "hackers" if they are able to DDOS someone with a $5 booter they bought with their Mom's credit card. If you're one of those motherfucking pussies that believes that everyone in Minecraft can hack you, please do an hero.

Fortunately, not every Minecraft server is so gay as to prevent griefing; some anarchy servers like 2B2T actually allow---if not encourage---its users to grief other players. Though, to be honest, most of these anarchy servers are gay in their own way; some "anarchy" servers like SimPVP will ban "hackers", while others have other shitty gayass arbitrary restrictions. Avoid them like the plague.

Other Ports

And if this game isn't shitastic enough as it is, they had to port it onto seven other consoles!

Heckx Bawx Three-seisty- This port plays similar to the online version, except you're world is as small as your chances of getting laid. This time, Notch actually got his shit together and actually coded this autism magnet and doesn't crash every 10 minutes. The downside was that Notch turned into a greedy Jew and started to charge for basic shit that was a free update in previous versions. There was also a temporary feature added for EDiots that allowed a user to freeze the server host's console by throwing an Ender Pearl and disconnecting before it hit anything. Best used after the completion of a long project before auto save activates.
Android/iOS- You gotta be kidding me! Yup, Notch thought he didn't have enough money to fill his fat folds and had to port it again, but this time to a FUCKING PHONE/TABLET/iPOD!!!

	“	WEEEE! Now I can build penises on the go!	„
	—Notch

The in-game world is as small as a petri dish, shitty lighting, and the world has fog everywhere! Sound familiar? Also the game controls like shit and has no fun value, with no support for game pads and very infrequent updates. For some reason or another, this served as "the basis" for the "new" Windows 10 version. No, seriously.

Raspberry Pi (Dafuq is that?)- Being the greedy shit he is, Notch made ported it onto yet another system. (The system in question is a shitty $50 computer that you can connect to your TV. It was made mostly for people who are too Jewish to get a real computer.) This version of the game serves the purpose of turning 30-year-old virgins into 30-year-old Bill Gates wannabees.

Microsoft's New Xbox With A Dumb Name- This is just a follow up port so 13 year olds don't complain.

This new Xbox edition will feature such improvements as:

ONE extra player on multiplayer.
ONE more block added to the x, y, and z coordiates of the worlds.
More add-ons you have to pay for. (Which means less free content.)
Notch sucks your cock daily so you'll buy this.
?????
PROFIT!!

Gaystation 3/4/Vita- In efforts to steal more money from the poor naive children, Notch and Sony decided it was a great idea to basically just port the same shitty Xbox version to the Ps3. This attracted massive amounts of idiots who haven't realised it's the same shit every time.

Windows 10 - To try to steal the spotlight from Microsoft giving away a freemium operating system to trick old people into spending $10 on Solitaire, Mojang decided to "release" a "new" version of the game for free. The game, due to being on Windows and not wasting any time with shitty hipster operating systems or OS's for people too neckbeardy to play Minecraft anyway, can be downloaded once and played on most Microsoft devices running Windows 10. It's also written in C++, meaning that it doesn't run like balls and drains your battery empty for 2 hours of gameplay, much to the displeasure of several modding skiddies that think learning Java in CSIII has no real purpose anymore (they're right of course). AKA, it's everything that Notch should have taken 5 minutes to do years ago instead of swimming around in pig grease and signing silencing rights with Lego.

Wii U - Being the genius businessmen they are, Mojang decided to release Minecraft on a console that nobody owns, while charging 150% of the price of the other console versions, and promising to release all the patches much later than all the other versions.

Nintendo 3DS - Somehow, Mojang managed to sneak past Nintendo's stringent rules in the same manner as shady game devs do, and pumped out the shittiest port yet into the 3DS eStore. It's so poorly optimised that it can only work on the New 3DS, and even then it still runs extremely slowly.

Apple TV - who plays this?

Education Edition - In an effort to get more children to play their shitty game, Mojang launched an edition of Minecraft meant to be played on school computers, you have to be a teacher to even download it.

China Edition - HERRO ME RIKEY MINECLAFT RONG TIME

Story Mode

Because the original concept of Minecraft being a dream sucked so hard. Mojang collab'd with Telltale games to make a sort of sequel involving the Wither and "the old builders".

Episodes 1 to 4 - A guy finds a command block, whose existence in a survival map is never explained, and uses it to become God with his four friends. One of them pulls a Judas and uses the command block to make a "Wither Storm", threatening the world as we know it; and it's up to some treehouse-dwelling noobs who were there at the time to stop it.

Episode 5 - The protagonist and some of his friends hunt for a magic chicken.

Episode 6 - The protagonist and those same friends trap Big Red in a pit and leave her to starve to death, doing the world a massive favour.

Episode 7 - The protag's group find Unity and kill it before it lays eggs in other worlds.

Episode 8 - Everyone gets enslaved.

Spoiler Alert: The Protagonist wins.

A Minecraft Movie

Starring:

Jack Black^✡
The average Minecraft player
Whiny 16-year old girl
Token negress
Aquaman
An ugly artstyle
Overused IP
BBE (Big Black Enderman)

The Man

Valiant effort, but we all know "That's so gay" is HILARIOUS.

All Notch does all day is swim in his money vault and play Civ V instead of developing your favorite new feature. Make sure to comment about it in his tumblr.

As stated before, the fatass behind Minecraft is no other than Notch, a Swedish Gabe Newell clone who tries as hard as possible to piss off everyone around him without being caught. Over the years he has developed an unmatched ego and he now thinks he's the center of the internet world and everything revolves around him and his half-ass game. Notch frequently disguises his awful narcissism using cute smiley faces like ":-)" and "<3" at the end of his blog posts, as well as shitty jokes no better than his game. This ultra-ego finally surfaced during the huge Minecon 2011 flop and the Yogscast drama aftershock. Not the mention he said he liked cats, and sometime afterwords admitted he was part of the furry fandom. In fact, he is not only a filthy furry degenerate, but he is also a neckbeard (((atheist))) and a Brony.

Notch's Tumblr

	“	I visited my doctor last week, and he told me I had to stop masturbating. I asked him why, surely it’s not dangerous. He said it was distracting him.	„
	—Typical post on Notch's Tumblr.

Notch's Tumblr is essentially Notch's blog for the game. It used to be a breeding ground for all sorts of Minecraft fanboyism and autism, before Notch finally got his shit together and disabled the comments on his blog (only to have all the faggotry flow to the Minecraft Forums). The idiots who commented there were very easy to troll and used to white knight Notch in the hope of getting a free account or whatever, but failing to do so since their actions consisted of nothing more than omg hi notch i made a site and it has a review its at (Insert Shitty Site Name) plz sign up!!11

	“	I’m exhausted! I’d really like to do a Seecret Friday update, both to keep you guys happy and to actually get to do some programming myself, but I need to wind down.	„
	—Just one of Notch's fine examples of laziness.

Notch's Tumblr, like all Tumblr blogs, consists mostly of shit nobody gives a fuck about. It used to be filled with news about Minecraft's development progress (back when there was still any progress to report), but as the months flew by and the fanbase grew to a ridiculous size for such a crappy game the place got littered with posts of Notch praising himself and talking about how he loves playing video games.

Notch's Twitter

This is where Notch tells everyone about shitty updates he's adding, chats to Jeb about when they're going to have buttsecks together, and what he's eating. He also tells about what videogames he's playing and how he's procrastinating when he's supposed to be working on gaycraft.

Recently, Notch replied to a ~~buttsex request~~ ~~challenge~~ demand from a brony, and came out of the brony closet: https://twitter.com/#!/notch/status/160076467559071744

	“	Civilization 5 just got unlocked on Steam.	„
	—Notch, telling us about his interesting life.

Notch and Judaism

As time goes by, more and more evidence piles up in favor of Notch being a kike. If it wasn't obvious from his fat, bald Jewhead, Notch keeps proving to everyone that he's in it just for the money. At first he turned Minecraft into a paid game, and he then increased the price (twice!) in order to squeeze out more cash. In addition to that, Notch claims that anyone who bought Minecraft after the 20th of December, 2010 will have to pay for some future updates and expansions unlike the high elite who bought the game during its Alpha stage. Denying these beta-ordering faggots free updates will increase the size of egos in autists who bought the game beforehand. At this point, it's obvious that Notch included this feature to help alpha-fags get better hung than others.

The Community

The Minecraft community is a prime example of stagnation and faggotry taking over a nice place. What started out as a small group of gamers who simply enjoyed a small indie game turned out to be one of the world's most repulsive shitholes in the history of the internet. The community is so overflown with faggots, self-importance, sexually-repressed fanboys and autism, it's virtually impossible to find even a single shred of lulz or faith in mankind in the misery mire that is the Minecraft fandom.

Minecraft Forums

Moar info: Minecraft Forums.

A neko crying over above image, sent by other complete aspie Quatroking.

Minecraft's Forums is the core of the Minecraft community, and therefore it is the most disgusting part of it. The forums contain the biggest shitpile of drama ever seen for at least 100 years. Drama ranging from oldfags being chased off by illiterate newfag Muslims to Alchohol fueled genital photography. Filled with asspies and moderator brown-nosing, the dramafest never ends whilst mouth-foaming aspies try to defend themselves from hundreds of other mouth-foaming aspies.

Some veterans may argue that things were much better before Minecraft became popular, and before the furfag attack began. This argument is supported by the fact that most, if not all the original players left the forum years ago. Today it's essentially walking into hell - furfag degenerates with over 9,000 posts bragging about their ED edits and getting banned, for calling out other furfags. Because of how butthurt the administration is, there are now rules against saying anything negative about furries, pedophiles, necrophiles, black people or white people. This may be due to the fact that the administration team is 100% diverse, and are more open about it than people who put the word "retard" in their fucking name.

Modding Section

The modding section of the site is where most of the drama happens. Filled with angst, constant complaining, mods which crash the game, devs filled to the brim with Unwarranted Self-Importance, and more AdFly links than stars in the sky, this is the festering stretched out asshole of the forums. Much drama can be found here, as regular users demand mod developers to add pointless features or design mods specifically to their liking and end up complaining if something they want is not added. The mod developers themselves usually end up ignoring any bugs which come up in their mods, and many don't even bother trying to update them in any way. Shockingly, there are low amount of furries in this section, probably because they tend to inhabit other sections about who can make the worst looking wolfdogcatdragonponyunicorn skin for their characters that they will never see because minecraft is played in first person.

Most of the time spent by mod developers is dedicated to arguing with other developers over who is stealing who's stuff, and trying to protect any bit of their work in an autistic game of who downloads who's mod the most. Instead of fixing bugs or trying to co-operate with other devs to make better mods or making it easier for others to make them, they instead put effort into making sure their mods are as incompatible as possible with the mods of other developers. So in the end nothing ever ends up getting done, as the crab mentality of the entire community guarantees that it will remain the shithole it is, because the developers will continue to spite and drag each other down instead of trying to better themselves and the community.

Texture Packs

The modding section also features the texture packs subforum, which mostly consist of these 4 types of texture packs:

A slightly modified version of the default (i.e.: they upscaled the default terrain.png via nearest neighbor to a very high resolution and slapped a Photoshop filter on it)

"Simple" texture packs, which are either the default textures reduced to less than 10 colors, or make it so that everything is a solid block.

"Photorealistic" texture packs, which are usually high-resolution and comprised of stolen Google image searches. They look mostly like shit because of the game's blocky nature.

A half-assed tribute to another, usually much better video game's graphic style.

Texture pack resolutions can vary from 1x to 1024x. Everything between 32x and 256x looks like shit because of the pixels being too big for any fine texturing, yet too small for minimalism. Naturally, these are also the most common texture packs found on the forum. Moreover, unless you have a computer with its price in the five digits, you will not be able to run a texture pack on the higher end of the spectrum, despite 1024x usually being able to run on a Nintendo Wii, with most modern games having textures almost 8 times as large.

The texture pack community started out as a pretty cool place, mostly owing to the curiosity surrounding how high texture pack resolutions could go. But as with all things related to Minecraft, it too went downhill, mostly due to thieves and an unsurprisingly terrible good:shit ratio.

/r/Minecraft

/r/Minecraft is the fastest-growing Minecraft-related fan circlejerk and another prime beacon of faggotry and a small inner-circle inside the big liberal and 'intellectual' blob that is Reddit (AKA a "subreddit"). While /r/Minecraft isn't occupied by furries and underage boys, it is full of the next worst type of fans: Overweight, 25+ year old basement dwelling manchildren and social freaks who live off their parents' disapproving looks.

/r/Minecraft is perhaps best known for being the lurking ground of the game developers, Notch and Jeb. Although most Mojang employees only post something once in a blue moon, many of the miserable losers who surf there see it as a soap box, from which they can order the developers around using "suggestions" and "ideas".

Whenever they're not presenting any "humble suggestions", most fags on /r/Minecraft spend their days participating in a horrible fan circlejerk. This involves posting pictures of themselves wearing Minecraft costumes, baking Minecraft-themed cakes and buying overpriced Minecraft merchandise all in an attempt to earn as much digital points (called "karma") as possible. If you enter /r/Minecraft more than once you might notice how repetitive the top threads tend to get; that's because the local hivemind only upvotes the same handful of post types, and nothing else.

In terms of drama, /r/Minecraft is quite dull. Even the most lulzy of events there are simply reflections of much larger flamewars (e.g. the Yogscast flop). It is worth visiting only for the sake of research and study; holding such a fine array of manchildren and leeches on society.

Minepedia

	“	<@Quatroking> Being mildly autistic myself, I do not tolerate any of this shit at all.	„
	—Quatroking, banning anyone on IRC for making remarks about autism

The Minepedia is Minecraft's community-run Wiki. It is run by Quatroking, a known aspergic and sufferer of USI, also a known newfag. There are a bunch of Wikipedos monitoring the site too, assuming they are "a vandal fighter, and sock hunter on wikipedia". The Minepedia normally gets trolled by /v/ every friday during an update, tricking the autistics into thinking cars/dragons/whatever was added to the game.

There are actually two Minepedias. This one supports the lulz.

Quatroking himself

	“	So i was just hanging out with my cousin, and we were in my room and somehow we ended up blowing eachother... hes coming over tomorrow ;D	„
	—Quatroking before he got popular

Quatroking feels himself to be 1337 in every way, starting with having his own article on Minepedia whilst saying no vanity articles are allowed. This article is under a constant edit war due to the fanbase denying Quatroking being of any significance at all. He finally caved in after realizing he is unimportant and actually contributed nothing at all to the game.

After finally getting OPs for sucking a lot of furry cock, Quatroking bans people from #minecraft for dissing autism due to himself being autistic. However, Quatroking doesn't actually know how IRC works, it seems:

Also, he's so hated by the community itself, his title was once changed from "Wiki Admin" to "Dick" on the official Minecraft forum.

The Aspergite drama

In July 2010, /v/ decided to fuck with the asspie admins of Minepedia. Because one of the items Notch added to the game originally had no name, players had to come up with their own name. /v/ called this new item Aspergite. Fitting for the game, amirite?

/v/ soon created the article for Aspergite. It was honestly very lulzy and for the time in which it existed made the Wiki worth going to. However, as this article came into view of the admins, Quatroking got severely butthurt as his disability was mocked. He banned users for arguing on Aspergite's talk page, then had to ban a wide range of users (plus innocent ones as well) then bawwwleted the article.

After the article's deletion, Anons from /v/ asked Quatroking via his talk page about why the article was removed. He replied saying it was due to trolls.

A page on Aspergium is also archived here. You can use it to effectively troll the autists.

The Notch Defense Force

There are two cliques that frequent the Minecraftian community swamp - an army of entitled basement-dwellers who believe the $10EUR they borrowed from mommy to pay for their digital crack gives them the right to dictate the developer's life, and The Notch Defense Force, a collection of underage faggots and asspained autists willing to jump to the defense of Notch's e-peen, and kiss his fat-ass for recognition. When these groups collide, it can create bullshit so massive that it breaks the very fabric of the internet.

Obviously this creates ample trolling possibilities, but members of the community have over-compensated to the point where anyone who simply disagrees with someone's comment is labelled a "troll." Ironically, this hyper-sensitivity makes trolling even easier. Sometimes it seems that even Notch trolls the community, such as when he delayed a "Secret Friday Update" to play Civ 5 instead.

Autism Influence

	“	<Rooster> I had a dream Notch PM'd me on this IRC with a SMP Beta code invite. <Rooster> Then I woke up. <Rooster> FUUUUUU	„
	—Notch fanboy, having a wet dream

As said before, channers of the vidya and their estranged goon brethern use Minecraft by hosting servers and occasionally griefing the hell out of other servers. Some of the more popular methods towards succeeding in trolling would be through causing deliberate destruction of other people’s hard work, or flooding or unleashing a deadly torrent of lava. It was thanks to Notch's constant viral advertising on /v/ that 4chan got involved in the first place.

Minecraft has even caught the attention of VG Cats, in which they did an Uncyclopedia level satire along with their own mix of weeaboo furfaggotry.

Minecraft may lead to people developing symptoms of Autism.

~~Sick Fucks~~ the previous user gaped at this exposed hole.

It ruins lives

MCYT

Known as MineCraft YouTube. It has been around since the game ever launched and somehow gets even more autistic in May 2019 when Minecraft celebrates it's 10th birthday. The community's mostly active on Twatter as Jewtubers like Dream manages to influence a breed of Gen Z's into having a parasocial relationship with their "favorites".

Thread about MCYT.

The Drama

As you might have noticed (if you've actually read everything written above), the nature of the shitty game, lazy developer and Autistic community all make Minecraft an excellent stage for lots and lots of E-drama (and in some cases even IRL-drama). This section will list all the major conflicts and lulz-spewing trollcanoes.

The Great Multiplayer Code Leak of 2010

Late at night on July the 26th 2010, somebody joined the World of Minecraft Livestream and leaked the invite code "!!Thomas!!" to the Survival Multiplayer testing whilst the faggot who was streaming was giving out clues about the code. 5 minutes later this code found it's way onto /v/.

Quatroking, trying to keep Multiplayer to himself like a Jew and continuing to want to feel important, demanded Notch to shut down the server. Notch responded with a simple "lol no" and kept the server up, even releasing the invite code on his Twitter. Quatroking then tried to cause drama by blaming the code leak on World of Minecraft and Brocraft, then eventually the blame spread to /v/.

The next morning, whilst the server was being raped by autologin scripts, Notch decided to take down the server so he could get some work done. This caused more butthurt as retards blamed it on the fact that everyone had access to the server regardless of Notch publicly inviting everyone.

The Server Mod MCAdmin Drama

	“	i prefer computers to people, they don't let you down, they don't lie to you, they don't fuck with you	„
	—Doridian, fully expressing how pathetic he is

Sometime later, on October the 26th, 2010, a user named Bradster was running his server with this mod when Doridian (the mod's creator) bypassed the whitelist and fagged up the server with his shitty English until the dude banned him. Doridian was butthurt and banned the server owner from his own server and proceeded to chastise him until he got unbanned.

Later the mod was decompiled and it was discovered that the devs Doridian and Intoxicated had added backdoors to give them power to troll the servers of everyone using the mod, and even to globally ban people they don't like from using these servers. The dev began to BAWWW that no one liked him irl and everyone else began to whine that his actions were illegal. Eventually they wrote a dubious disclaimer excusing them of everything and removed the offending code.

tl;dr Doridian is a furry who owns a gay furry group on Steam and a troll who pissed off the masses with his shit mod. Because the Minecraft forums is overrun with furfag moderators, simply saying yiff in hell will result in a ban, so how about you call him to tell him how much you appreciate his work?

Secret Beta Update Drama

On December 21, 2010, Notch moved the game into beta. Along with this, he added capes for his fellow Mojang Employees, and an update he dubbed more rare than this. On the forums, the Minefags tried as hard as they could to find the secret. Many trolls took the opportunity to create hoaxes about what the update was. Many created fake screenshots, saves, or simply lied about what it was. In the end, the Notch told them that he had given a user named Deadmau5 a custom model that gave his character mouse ears. Notch had already posted a screenshot of it prior to the beta release. Deadmau5 had gained this custom model because he had used Minecraft graphics at a rave party.

Receive More Updates

RMU is some sort of Internet Tough faction that DDoSed minecraft.net because there weren't any updates to Minecraft in a certain timeframe, and wanted updates NAO. This ended up in minecraft.net being taken down for a few days whilst a 15-year-old script kiddie was busy LOICing the site to death.

After the Halloween update to Minecraft, RMU continued crying about it saying it wasn't good enough, boasting about how they had 3,000 or whatever members who would help launch a DDoS against Notch. As anything performed by aspies, it failed miserably.

Kotaku article
Wired article

Minecon 2011

Minecon 2010 was a poorly planned fanboy wankfest taking place in the US shortly after Minecraft got its first spoonful of unwarranted self-importance. About 50 Autistic faggots rounded up to suck Notch's lower body section while wearing "silly" Minecraft costumes.

Minecon 2011, happening roughly a year later, was pretty much the same thing but on a much larger scale. It took place at the Mandaly Bay resort in Las Vegas, a venue far too small for the amount of tickets sold. The place was crowded, hot and filled to capacity with stupidity and fan-cum. Survivors report seeing endless lines, shitty entertainment and a clusterfuck of shiny colors, attended by crowds of sad, underwhelmed people. Some idiots actually payed thousands of dollars between plane tickets, hotel costs and the exuberantly overpriced entry fee just to be spit in the face by Notch himself.

Yogscast E-Peen Drama

Notch got ~~trolled~~ butthurt by the Yogscast gags on November 2011

The Yogscast is a group of Minenerds taking it to the extreme. During Minecon 2011, being the epic Minecraft celebrities they are, they got all butthurt and USI and decided that they are the prime alpha males in the particular nerdwank they were partaking in, and so demanded special treament. Notch took this as a personal attack on his ego, and accused the Yogscast team of being assholes (See image above; amusingly enough, pretty much all of the shit Notch accused the Yogscast of doing didn't actually happened, and he later had to apologize for believing the bullshit his Aspie fans were bitching about). The Yogscast team replied by calling Notch and Mojang out and finally telling them what a bunch of lazy greedy Jews they are. Notch, now really pissed, summoned his army of fanboys by addressing the issue on his Twitter.

The biggest shitstorm seen in ages was to follow. Each side called the other dicks, then apologized and then called them dicks again. All Minecraft-related Web 2.0 websites were torn to pieces by the endless flaming, rage and trolls. It is said that the original fight between Notch and Yogscast was barely lulzy enough to keep the flamewars lit for one day, yet the flamewars continued for eight days of constant butthurt. A true Jew miracle.

Community Aftermath

The entire convention was no more than a way to squeeze out some extra cash out of the little kids who play the shitty game. Notch and his little action team broke a new record in unprofessional party planning by trying to be as Jewish as possible and avoid spending even a single unnecessary dollar. But don't tell that to their little personal army, for saying even one bad word against the savior of the internet will lead you to an instant ban.

Soon after the convention was over, the more mature parts of the community went online to expose and discuss the sheer incompetence displayed by Mojang's staff. The internet, being the internet, wanted someone to point fingers at. The Jews were, as always, the first to blame, but soon enough the Minefags have found a much more satisfying target: None other than the great attention whore MinecraftChick.

MinecraftChick is a gurl gamer, of the worst kind. Although claiming to have never played Minecraft in her life (or any other vidya for that matter), she names herself after it BEFORE playing it "for the first time". Being Notch's personal whore, Mojang have actually hired the ugly landwhale to be paid for doing nothing. No. Seriously. Look it up. MinecraftChick 'works' for Mojang, and her official job title is "Director of Fun" (ain't that something to put on your resume, eh?). If rumors are to be believed, one of the only actually jobs the Mojang Director of Fun ever had to do was to plan out and manage the convention, which would explain why it turned out terrible, and might even explain the blatant penny-pinching on display. Just one more reason why this monster-whore has to die. Even though "Director of Fun" translates to what most (non-retarded) people call the "Director of Community Relations", all she does is tweet about annoying her co-workers, as well as trashing and blocking people asking for help with community-related matters, 'cause she is nawt a secretary.

Notch Sells Out

On September 15, 2014, Notch sold Minecraft to Microsoft for $2.5 billion despite saying he would release it as open source when he was done with it. Clearly, the Minecraft IP isn't worth nearly that much, which is why Notch totally didn't do it for the money, as evidenced by the following wall of text.

I'm leaving Mojang

I don’t see myself as a real game developer. I make games because it’s fun, and because I love games and I love to program, but I don’t make games with the intention of them becoming huge hits, and I don’t try to change the world. Minecraft certainly became a huge hit, and people are telling me it’s changed games. I never meant for it to do either. It’s certainly flattering, and to gradually get thrust into some kind of public spotlight is interesting.

A relatively long time ago, I decided to step down from Minecraft development. Jens was the perfect person to take over leading it, and I wanted to try to do new things. At first, I failed by trying to make something big again, but since I decided to just stick to small prototypes and interesting challenges, I’ve had so much fun with work. I wasn’t exactly sure how I fit into Mojang where people did actual work, but since people said I was important for the culture, I stayed.

I was at home with a bad cold a couple of weeks ago when the internet exploded with hate against me over some kind of EULA situation that I had nothing to do with. I was confused. I didn’t understand. I tweeted this in frustration. Later on, I watched the This is Phil Fish video on YouTube and started to realize I didn’t have the connection to my fans I thought I had. I’ve become a symbol. I don’t want to be a symbol, responsible for something huge that I don’t understand, that I don’t want to work on, that keeps coming back to me. I’m not an entrepreneur. I’m not a CEO. I’m a nerdy computer programmer who likes to have opinions on Twitter.

As soon as this deal is finalized, I will leave Mojang and go back to doing Ludum Dares and small web experiments. If I ever accidentally make something that seems to gain traction, I’ll probably abandon it immediately.

Considering the public image of me already is a bit skewed, I don’t expect to get away from negative comments by doing this, but at least now I won’t feel a responsibility to read them.

I’m aware this goes against a lot of what I’ve said in public. I have no good response to that. I’m also aware a lot of you were using me as a symbol of some perceived struggle. I’m not. I’m a person, and I’m right there struggling with you.

I love you. All of you. Thank you for turning Minecraft into what it has become, but there are too many of you, and I can’t be responsible for something this big. In one sense, it belongs to Microsoft now. In a much bigger sense, it’s belonged to all of you for a long time, and that will never change.

It’s not about the money. It’s about my sanity.

The announcement was received rather apathetically by the wider gaming community, in large part because Minecraft was old news at that point. Microsoft would go on to milk the allowances of mentally-challenged children for years to come.

Microsoft Era

Minecraft would never again possess the prominence it once held as an internet phenomena of the early 2010's. Neither would the game itself go through the same "rapid" development cycle it had in its hayday, when /v/irgins had weekly threads discussing the most recent (lack of) update. Instead the game would receed into the background cultural milieu consumed by unattended TikTok children; all under the watchful eye (and open pocket) of the Microsoft corporate behemoth.

Notch himself would fade out of public view. For a brief time he set his sights on developing an even more autistic game, called 0x10c, this one centered around programming rather than Legos. However, old habits die hard, and his laziness got the better of him. Development on 0x10c ceased a few short months after gaining public attention.

Having gotten stinking rich off synthesizing the digital equivalent of opium for overweight children and morbidly obese manchildren, Notch found himself still the fat, bald, terminally-lonely neckbeard he always was. His wife had left him, leaving him to cope alone with his depression. In desperate attempt to compensate, he bought a $70 million oversized house in Beverly Hills, a purchase he would soon come to regret. The wide open floor plan and vast empty yard only seem to remind him of all the family, friends and genuine social interaction he lacks. This remains an excellent example of how money can't fix all problems. Right now as you are reading this, there is a good chance that Notch is sitting alone in a darkened room of his empty mansion, staring bleakly at 4chan posts written by newfags half his age.

Notch graduated from basement dweller to an exuberantly rich basement dweller, and dedicated his life to being the world's saddest billionaire shitposter. During this time, he momentarily generated a small amount of lulz by posting politically incorrect tidbits on Twitter, calling out feminists, homos, niggers and SJWs of all stripes. Notch's brief return to moderate relevancy made Microsoft's butt hurt. In a splendid display of historical revisionism, Microsoft would go on to completely remove Notch's name from the game.

Almost all mentions of Notch have been scrubbed from the official Minepedia, leaving only short and begrudging references to his role in creating Minecraft in sections pertaining to the game's development history. The old vision of a "3D Dwarf Fortress" (as Minecraft was initially pitched back in 2009) remains unfulfilled.

TL;DR

Notice how this kids forehead is brighter than your future.

Clones

Digger Online (Копатель онлайн) - It starts from Russian Facebook (vk), with donates for everything (blocks, armor, weapons). After getting through the Steam Greenlight, It was F2P. People don't like to pay for something good, though, so they starting to sell this shit for $6.99. Even after the Steam release, the game can't into English and is still in Putin tongue-speak. Link

Minetest - A blatant ripoff that's about as "advanced" as the pocket version. Only played by hardc0re 1337 nerds because it's written in C++, so it doesn't shit all over your CPU just to load the title screen. It's also free, which is way too expensive for the real game. Link

What Will Happen To You If You Play Too Much Minecraft

ED Server

Encyclopedia Dramatica also has a (vanilla) Minecraft server, which you, dear reader, can play on!

The server IP is ~~mc.dramatica.online:25639~~ POOL'S CLOSED

Gallery

Minecraft About missing Pics

Typical Minecraft creation.
What has been seen cannot be unseen.
Another waste of time.
Definitely NOT gay!

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

Uncle Dolan
Minecraft can be used to make Sonichu.
North Korea is best Korea
Honesty isn't Minecraft's strongest trait.
Minecraft, IRL
Happy 9/11
Welcome to Minecraft!
This game is way too deep for you, dad!
The Truth. And if you look closer you'll see he doesn't like nudity and porn. What kind of retarded fucked up kid is this?! Seriously, EVERYONE loves porn and nudity. Except this autistic virgin.
Notch seen at MinecraftCon. Note how afraid he is to see so many people in the same area.
This guy actually has fanboys.
You can get tons of Youtube exposure in a short time period for doing literally anything related to Minecraft. Partnership guaranteed.
Actual photo of Notch on train with bag of gamers money. Why aren't you fixing SMP?]]
A Ninja Creeper!
Basically this.
With all that "awesome community" shit, maybe we can bring a message across to them...
School Shooter skins
Mine-SIS
FuturisticHub showing off to haters.

Rule34 About missing Pics

When they say "No Exceptions" they mean it.
Who in their right mind would be aroused by this damned material?
Or this, even?
Maybe even this?