Life

You may have been looking for The Comprehensive Guide To Life, Existence, or Death

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Sometimes abbreviated to in real life, IRL is an addicting mmo FPS which keeps you from the Internet.

Life is a first-person MMORPGFPS which is a drug keeping people away from the Internet. The goal of it is to avoid unwarranted self-importance at all cost, and to give criticism. Other players like to be reminded that they are the person blocking the shower, who eats dried bread in the morning and who always gets late to work. They also admire those who pay lip service to public opinion. There are statues raised over these types of people all over town.

The difficulty level is defined at birth, determined by how much gold your in-game parents had previously obtained, along with your race, sexuality and intelligence. This difficulty level will remain with you for the entire game until you get a job to earn your own gold, which may increase or decrease the difficulty depending on where you work and what you do. A small amount of players possess high Wisdom attributes, allowing them to be unplugged from The Matrix. Many of these players end up doing PVP raids on other users. Some end up landing a hidden "Politician" class, allowing them to make infinite money and EXP, and can even go on to collect the highest score in the server!

Earth

Earth, the world in which the game takes place, is a very diverse place. Game locations range from densely populated cities rife with murder and rape to bumblefuck little towns where no one knows how to speak correctly. Where your character spawns will have a significant impact on your game, but later on you will have freedom as to where you go, depending on how much gold you collected. Notable locations include:

The Moon: Off planet but if you're smart enough or rich enough you might one day actually get to visit here. What the hell are we saying, you get dizzy when Your Mom turns the Lazy-Susan on the middle of your dinner table. Furthermore, Short Bus kids like you are only used for tests NASA knows will end in disaster.
Jew York City: A grungy city founded by Jews. If you enter this city, your gold will most certainly be stolen by niggers.
New Jersey: A massive plain of horrifying swamplands populated by the man-eating Eyetalians.
Texas: A backwater land in which NPC's speak complete gibberish. There is a bug with this area that allows players to engage family members in sexual intercourse.
Florida: Mostly populated by incredibly high ranked players. Minigames in Florida include golf and bingo.
Hawaii: An Island like map that consists of high level players and hot climate, sometimes the creator slowly burns down local houses with his lava cheat code for the lulz.
Ohio A nowhere forest of trees or decay depending on where you start the game. North East Ohio is the preferred position because you get a +12 bonus to you intelligence and don't have all the incest caused weaknesses or genetic predisposition to do crack or meth. Watch out for the cops, they shoot at everybody regardless of color. Quite the difficult spawn location because 10 feet in any direction is the differance between starting the game as the preferred white person or the more challenging minority characters.
Alaska: A massive ice-like wasteland that used to belong to soviet Russia; only you would go here. Freezing temperatures, russians, bears, and asshole americans make this level one of the toughest around. The Marijuana drug is legal here though, granting bonus EXP after consumption. Unfortunately, if you don't like weed and would rather have a drink Booze is illegal in most of the state.
Colorado: A cold mountainous level notable for several epic raids that attract the attention of all of the servers. If you're interested in relocating here, you better hurry the fuck up. Jews are hyper-inflating the real estate market, making only rich characters capable of living here.
Africa: A nightmarish wasteland populated by NPCs and players of the Nigger race. One of the highest level zones in the world; most players tend to avoid this level.
Europe: A low level paradise favored by those of the "White People" and "European" races. Often turned into epic war zones by high level users of the rare "Politician" class. Hundreds of millions of noobs were pwn'd by a few elite users.
Asia: Overpopulated tropical hellhole filled with genocidal freaks. Only Weeaboo players mount and fly out to here.
Middle East: One of the worst places in the world map, but not nearly bad as Africa. Players of the Muslim religion have kicked out christfags from this region. In response, American players have commited mass genocide and destabilization turning the entire mega-level into a warzone. Only high level players can survive this scorched hellhole.
Australia: The hardest level in the game. All of the mobs will insta-kill you and the locals (especially Aboriginals) aren't much better.

The NYC level. Bring gold- LOTS of gold.
The New Jersey level.
The Ohio level. Where you want to start out.
The Ohio Level. Where you'll most likely start out.
The Texas level. Careful- lots of high level savage mobs flood this level.
The Florida level. Lots of crazy NPCs exist here. Kill alligators for lots of skins to sell on the AC
The Hawaii level. Only rich characters can live here. Be careful of the horrifying mobs; centipedes and Polynesians have made this level their nest!
The Alaska level.
The Colorado level.
The Africa level. You don't want to come here.
The Europe level. Faggotry abound.
The Asia level. Go on a PVP raid for shits and giggles.
The Middle East level.
The Ausfailia level.

Character Levels

Fetus: Not the most challenging level because all you're doing is cooking. Consider it the loading screen and thank G-D that Your Mom wasn't some soulless Whore and had you sucked out of her during the first 3 months of being loaded into tge game.

1: You begin the game as a short, obese, bald man in a diaper who shits and pisses himself, vomits, and lets out horrifyingly disturbing cries at random times, especially in the night. You have no control over this, and it is commonly compared in annoyance to cliff racers. If you're Chinese, now's the time to thank G-D for the gift of being born with a penis. Don't worry about how small it is, just be thankful that you weren't born your sister who's rotting away in a rice field.

6: Around this time, you begin to learn that the world isn't entirely a happy place. Kids begin to form their own cliques and bully the losers, such as yourself. Some players are unlucky, and get pwn'd IRL at their elementary school.

10: If you're a girl, you begin to become interested in boys but you still have no clue what you're supposed to do other than hugging and kissing until you have that great epiphany 2 or 3 levels later using a Barbie Doll leg. If you have a creepy uncle or a pedo daddy you're probably already more experienced than a Hustler model. If you have a slutty older sister you probably have an idea of what goes on but don't understand the mechanics and will mostly be branded the neighborhood bike by the age of 12 because most of your time will be spent experimenting to figure it out.
If you're unfortunately a boy, you're too retarded to figure puberty out by this time and will spend the next 7 to 10 years frustrated. For you inept retards this will define the rest of your life as you spend it as an Eterna-Virgin believing you have some G-D given right to get laid.
At this level you will most likely begin to have responsibilities, like homework, taking out the darn trash, mowing the fucking lawn or having to walk the dog while your sisters get to sit on their asses.

12 year old girl This is the level that most schools give girls an all day assembly to explain their vagina to them. This is also the same age that a lot of girls turn into bitches because these assemblies are usually headed up by some Feminazi nurse whose husband left her for some noob with 20 less levels than her and feeds these girls bullshit feminist propaganda that all boys want to do is stick their dicks in them, knock them up and force them to make sammiches for the rest of their lives along with lies such as you can get pregnant even if he pulls out or that the underwear rule doesn't protect you if he squirts close enough to their vagina.

13: Here, you play as a retarded midget with a foolish and one-sided opinion who enjoys screaming over the mic in mini-games like Halo and claim that you know a lot about firearms. In this level, you tend to believe yourself superior to those lower in level than you despite sounding, looking, and acting as though you were at Level 5.

13 year old girl: This is about the level girls learn about that happy, little pleasure spot and lock themselves in their room. When they're at school and not flicking the bean they're realizing the immense power they have over boys with those growing bumps on their chest that they were embarrassed about a week ago.
It should be noted that boys should be very careful, Jr High, High School, Adult, pervert, whatever, around the girl at this level whose parents let her get her underwear at a Victoria's Secret and not those 3 pack nylon disasters from Wal-Mart for $5 a pack. Most girls like this have some very dangerous hidden skills because their parents are very open about sex and they know that once they have a boy in a situation where they can play the rape card, they own their ass.
They're very obvious to figure out because all you need to do is listen to the girl chatter for them to name the girl that wears a thong. Just stay the fuck away from this oncoming blight because they couldn't care less about sex and are only looking to own your stupid ass just for shits and giggles and if you end up in a bad situation with this one it's your own damn fault.
This is the girl you will call That Evil Cockteasing Whore in college or when you get a job in an office.
Be especially aware of the petite, flat chested and small hipped version of this character model, not because they'll play to men with lolita complexes well into their 30s but because they are well practiced in using their small stature as a weapon against you as well. Most importantly, if it comes to her calling the cops, they will beat your ass Just Because you were picking on such a tiny, defenseless girl.

14 year old girl: This is the defining level for most girls. At this level most girls will tire or masturbating, their mother's dildo or the occasional vegetable. Unable to make female friends and having no role model at home, most girls turn to older boys with cars and will end up getting corn holed after a McDonalds dinner and her first beer while bent over the trunk of her boyfriend's rust bucket. Girls like this have no pride and will do it in a lawn shed, the school bathroom, give a handjob or blowjob at a movie theater, (remember to bring a coat). They'll do it just about anywhere for a little attention and telling them you love them right after a good slap to the face.
It's at this level girls earn the possible titles of whore, cock tease, frigid bitch, wouldn't fuck her with your dick, Bible bashing eterna-virgin, cum dumpster, the rare title of good girl, cunt, stuck up bitch that won't let you get boob until there's a ring on her finger and she's had her $20,000 fantasy wedding and the rarest title of Class Goddess. It should be known, depending on the time of the month, cunt can apply to all girls.

15 year old girl: At this level the majority of girls have developed enough to have something to show off and start wearing clothes that are 2 sizes too small because they've finally learned that they're not as good as boys when it comes to intellectual subjects like math, science and pretty much anything that requires reading so they focus on their bodies, hoping that their gamble to hook someone at this level will get them someone making a lot of money in the future. It's at this level that the girl with the strict family that demands decent grades realizes that if she lets the smart kid in class get the occasional boob grab or ass pat he'll let her cheat off him. Depending on how badly she needs to pass and what punishments wait if she doesn't, this can even include the under the desk, through the pants hand job. These girls usually level up to be very dangerous figures in offices, politics and management because they've learned how to control men with sex without degrading themselves or, more likely, they become strippers.

16-year-old girl: This is probably the most well known level for girls because in many states, this is the level it becomes completely legal for a man of any age to sexor a girl. Just don't take pictures or look to get any over the internet, because John Q. Lawdog still sees your pervertated ass as a Sick fuck and will beat the shit out of you.
This is the level lesbianism is taught to girls if they haven't learned about it themselves. They are taken to a class assembly under the disquise of learning about breast cancer. They are told to pair off and take their tops and bras off and instructed to take turns rubbing and feeling each others breasts until they become so arroused that everyone has to strip down and get themselves into a tangled, Scissoring mess.
This is also the same level that girls start carrying baby-wipes and mouth-wash in their purses.

16-year-old-boy: From this point onward, every time you level up, you will be given a chance to kill everyone around you and then take your own life. Upon performing such a magnanimous and universally praised deed, you will have earned the honorary title of An Hero and shalt become permanently etched into history, and you will have earned astronomical amounts of jew gold. So seriously, you should do it. Alternately, if you're a fucking faggot, jew, and/or nigger, you can also learn the driving ability and buy a mount.

17 This is the level most boys get their shit together and get back at girls for all the cockteasing they've endured by preying on inexperianced 14 year old girls. It's at this level you know which boys will be going to college, jail, the military or setting up a life in their mother's basement.

21: At this point, you will be able to consume alcohol and cigarettes, thus will be given the choice of either being a badass or a faggot. Your character must rapidly rush to select a Class before it is too late and you end up grinding at a convenience store for the rest of your miserable existence. If you are in the male class, hopefully you've learned by now how to talk to girls without your dick getting hard.

28 If you're a female character and made it through High School without getting knocked up, finished college and your masters and have a good job, congratulations you will probably raise cats instead of kids if you didn't find someone to marry by this level.

35: At this level most women that aren't married start hearing their ovaries crying to make a baby and give up the idea of their fantasy man and will marry anything that is capable of holding down a job and getting a hard dick. This is why cougars are so popular with nerds.

40: This is at which you will begin having to worry about detrimental character attributes, such as heart disease and diabeetus, along with a mandatory "Mid-life Crisis" main quest. The "aging" effect accelerates at this period. Your body starts betraying you at this level, for men you will start to need Viagra because you can't get a hard dick and girls realize they need to dumb a tube of K-Y Jelly up their hole because the old Snail dosn't slime up like it used to.

60: Your physical attributes will start to decrease, how fast your physical attributes decrease depends on the amount of food items and the amount of experience points they carry.

65: If you had a decent job and managed your retirement properly you can hopefully retire at this level. If you're an Internet Artist, Ebegger or any other brand of lazy ass piece of shit that refuses to work, look to finish your days as a Wal-Mart greeter. Statistically, if you're black and male, you will be dead around, most likely before, this age because of heart issues.

90: During this period, you will either die alone or with your lower level friends.

100: A glitched level that is not obtainable with traditional methods, but why would you care? You would only die alone anyway.

Hit Points

All characters carry a special statistic known as hit points, which begin low, but eventually work their way up in later levels. However, around the area of levels 20-30, your hit points will reach their peak and begin to decline. If your hit points reach zero, you will lose a life. But since you only have one life, that means game over. To restore HP, you should direct your character to find Food objects, medkits, or drugs. But be careful- some foodstuffs actually subtract hit points!

Post-Death

Upon losing all hit points, you will have no control over what happens to you. From this point, religion takes over. Depending on what your character's religion is and how you spent your game, there are a few possibilities. Most players end up in Hell, a fire-themed level where your character is tortured for an in-game eternity by Satan, Hell's moderator, but a few are granted access to Heaven, a sky-themed level where everything is made of clouds and you take a seat with other players such as Bob Ross and Santa Claus forever.

Experience Points

Experience points are gained through the consumption of items. When the game begins, your experience points will be somewhere between 5 and 10. As the game progresses, you will gain more experience. However, experience points can differ dramatically depending on the size of the character model. Physical activities such as running will take experience points, but a massive amount of experience points will actually retard such activities.

A player with a dangerously low amount of experience points earns the status anorexic while a player with a dangerously high amount of experience points earns the title fat. Having one of these two statuses will also affect the player's appearance. An anorexic player will be much smaller and weaker than ordinary players and will have the detriment of not feeling pretty. A fat player will be much larger than ordinary players, but no stronger. A fat player will also be physically incapable of some activities, depending on the amount of experience points he has. Fat players may also earn the title of obese if their experience points reach an extraordinarily high count.

Attributes

Characters gain their personality and power based on how strong their attributes are. They are described below:

Strength: Determines how much physical damage your character can do. Increased through the "Exercise" mini-game and through use of the "Steroid" consumable. Niggers automatically specialize in this attribute at birth.

Endurance: Determines how much Hit Points and Stamina your character has, as well as how effective his Defense rating is. Based on genetics but can be increased through the Exercise mini-game as well. That alpha douchebag jock that made your life a living hell in school specialized in this attribute. By using the chemistry skill, items like PCP can really raise this attribute.

Agility: Determines how fast your character can move, as well as the preciseness of these movements. Niggers also specialize in this attribute; Evolution worked in the common nigger's favor so that he could steal Bike mounts from whitey easier.

Intelligence: Determines the mental fortitude, capacity and capability of your character. By reading this site, you are losing points. Only Jews and AZNs specialize in this.

Charisma: Determines how effective your character is at speech. Favored by those of the "Serial Killer" and "Politician" classes.

Wisdom: Determines the levels of common sense, reflection and comprehension of your character. Evidently, very few characters have specialized in this attribute.

Luck: Only those born female, or into Rich characters clans possess this attribute.

Possible Skills

Chemistry A very sought after skill because it gives the player the ability to synthesize chemicals that give boosts to character attributes like Stamina, intelligence, endurance and agility.

Charisma Some people like serial killers, grifters and psychotic nationalistic leaders like Stalin are born with this skill naturally and can convince people that they are God but most people, like women, need upgrades like tit jobs, or men, money for people to pay attention to them.

Lying A sub skill of Charisma. If user is believable enough thay can convince other users that they have skills and abilities that they don't have. Bad things have been known to happen when the user is caught so intelligence is a very important modifier so the user knows the right time to split town and start again.

Botany Not that impressive of a skill if all you're doing is growing weed because you can get all the information you need and the equipment these days at any DIY store. Most people with a high score in this skill get stuck on a farm and live out their life as an NPC.

Cooking If you're in the Soldier/fighter class, as a man this is usufull when you get tired of beans and want to try deep fried jungle rat. For the most part this is a chick skill and requires her to learn to make different types of tasty sammiches.

Art 1,000 years ago this skill could keep you from becoming a male prostitute that dies in a bath-house at the age of 15. Now all it is used for is begging for money on patreon with promises of sending the contributer loli porn.

Social Mobility A very rare skill that only appears in white, European races and white looking Jews. Allows the user to jump Socio-econimic levels through hard work and education which is why it is never seen in minorities

Medicine If you have an MD's license you will most likely live out your days as an NPC in a hospital. If you're a delusional idiot you will most likely pretend to be one when you charge junkies $5 to shoot them in the neck because they are so Dope Sick that they can't find a vein.

Music Mostly a worthless skill unless you can play the guitar or drums. Can be faked very easily with a record, a turntable, a wack rhyme and putting a 1-2 beat from a drum machine on top of it all.

Discipline The ability to stick to something. Mostly seen in people of white races and Jews and hardly ever in minorities which is why their causes burn out so fast. Is "Black Lives Matter" a thing any more? Lower level users use this skill to have a nice body while the more skilled user can attain political power or wealth along with other skills like charisma.

Avarice The desire to have more. Left unchecked it can lead to jail time. With the aid of discipline and other skills it can lead to a lot of wealth. Seen in a lot of races but the Jews are best known for it. Most white people try to deny this skill by tithing weekly at church. Mostly a problem with Catholics but Protestants are learning to embrace it.

Demanding Payment Best known as the "Where's my money bitch" skill. Probably one of the hardest skills to optain because it requires you to be an asshole and demand money from people that owe it to you. Jews are naturally born with this skill but with a little practice most people can acquire this skill if they love money enough. Can be improved immensely with the Bitch Slap upgrade.

White Most people will say this is a race but it is also a skill. The better someone knows how upper, white society works - the more opportunities and mobility they have. This skill is mostly passed down through families like the Kennedys. A very hard skill to optain which can be seen with titles like "Nouveaux Riche" being given to people that just don't get it.

Genders

At the beginning of the game, your character spawns with randomized attributes, mostly influenced by the stats of your parents. However, your gender rate is about 50/50% chance. Mentally ill players often make up their own gender identities.

Gender drastically influences and shapes the gameplay and difficulty aspects of Life. We have a nifty guide detailing this:

Male: Males are granted additional Strength, Endurance, Intelligence, and Wisdom attributes. However, they are greatly stunted in Luck and Charisma unless they're AMOGs. If your character rolls this gender, he'll be capable of much more influence and knowledge than females. However, he will suffer 5x higher suicide and homicide rates and be forced into war if the Jew and Politician classes initiate a false flag. Males are more likely to enter PVP or die, and the Sex / Dating minigame of Life is instantly set to Extreme difficulty unless he is an alpha male. Male players will rarely be able to garner sympathy / support from the player-base and any who don't toughen up will end up dead and discarded, insulted and called retarded. Your character will suffer more at the hands of the court minigame and will have a difficult time mating and beating the game. However, there are other ways to win, so what are you waiting for?!

Female: Any player who rolls this gender will have their Luck attribute maxed out (if their appearance rating is 6/10 or higher) and will have their charisma and agility ratings boosted enormously as well unless they are fat feminist pigs. However, female characters have their Strength, Endurance, Intelligence, and Wisdom ratings set very low. Females are highly sought after and can win the game simply by fucking the alpha males and leeching off them. The societal system of life will spoil female players to the max, unless they spawn in the Africa or Middle East levels. Female players automatically win whenever they try the Dating minigame, but almost all females will have horrible skills at the Sex minigame. Most players will only participate in these games with males with high Strength and Charisma attributes, along with top-tier appearances.

For millennia, characters with high mental instability made up their own genders or were born with unorthodox genitalia, resulting in these:

Transgender: These players fail at life as they want to entirely change their gender class. They suffer from extreme mental instability and thus become an hero at great rates. Troll these players into suicide for bonus points!

Agender: These players don't even identify as any gender and automatically fail at life.

Gender fluid: These players pretend like they're different genders at any moment and nobody takes these losers seriously.

Hermaphrodite: Chicks with dicks; guys with tits. Many 'heterosexual' players jack off to them but we all know they're just gay.

In recent 2010s updates, countless fake gender identities were made up, mostly by members of the tumblr clan. For a comprehensive list of these, along with a brief description, please refer here.

Races

You - The dumbass.

Azns - The short ones with black hair and squinty eyes. Did I forget to mention you also have an incredibly small penis? If you're a girl and won the luck of the draw by getting to be Japanese or Chinese and have looks and a nice body, super win. Remember, don't fuck blacks in college, even if it is just a phase or your family will disown you, kick you out of the house and take away your allowence. Unlike white girls, there is no coming back from this fuck-up.

Chink - You eat fucking dog and your own shit.
Hong Kong, macau, singapore, taiwan - rich chink
Jap - You also like to eat dog, spank it to German Shizer videos, tentacle porn and as a male you were born to have a lolita complex. When things don't go your way, you are inclined to commit seppuku.
korean - You also like to eat dog, You must study at least 12 hours a day, Also, those with cocks will be forced into the military for two years. If you were born with a pussy, you won't go to the military, but if you're into feminism, you'll become a keyboard warrior who makes a fuss in the corner of the room except for a few.
Vietnamese - Congratulations. You are at the top of the bottom feeding Azns and 3 steps up from a Nigger. Where you don't sell 10-year-old girls out in open air markets like Cambodia, you make people come to private brothels because you want to keep Kiddie Sex private because you're worried about what the world might think. While you might not hunt the streets for rats to eat, you do farm them. Thanks to the years between 1962 and 1975 your country is covered in land mines and other U.S. Military presents that are all your's to keep.
Everyone else - You come from a shitty, desolate backwater country which has been anally raped by the Japs/British/Americans for all of time and now to top it all off you have some crazy batshit insane leader calling the shots. Basically your life sucks and don't expect to live past level 20.

Mexicans - Useless, smelly, retarded gibberish-speakers who immigrate illegaly to steal your job in your country of origin. Some try to be tough, but end up looking like dumbasses.

Puerto Rican The winner of the Latino Subclass because so many of them like Selena Gomez can pass for White and blonde hair and blue eyes is not uncommen. If you are one of the Others that looks heavily Hispanic or even Black, kill yourself now because even your spawning location has little to no respect for you.

White People - Most of them have high experience points, a typical white person will end their game around level 30 due to their habit of consuming shit loads of food items that carry high amounts of experience points. The female counterpart have two unique features for the player. The first feature lets the woman perform blowjobs on the player. This does not have any effects. The second feature, when enabled, the player will automatically receive a food item called "Sandwich" from the woman. If you marry her, there is a 50% chance she was programmed to take all your in-game gold when you advance about 7 levels more.

Niggers - A hastily and poorly constructed NPC with limited AI capability. Hated by all crackers. They are useless to society, and steal all your man points and white women. They also steal HP renewing food items such as watermelons, kool-aid, and fried chickens and some of your means of locomotion They are known to be very genorous to their kids as everyone has gone through seeing some little niglet get their bike for a birthday.

Europeans - White people who use Moonspeak and think they're from another continent. They're not, they're just insane. Many Mericans think that quoting their percentages of how their family comes from different spawn locations in this area, such as their being 1/8 German, somehow gives them bonus points.

Jews - A race of filthy pedophillic parasitic corrosive pieces of shit that need to be fucking brutally beat the shit out of, noses broken and ripped off, and fucking wiped off the face of the earth. Although the JEW rat race consists of only 10-15 million players, they have complete domination and control of the media, banks, markets (esp auction houses) militaries, foreign policy, and entertainment of practically all servers. They have the highest intelligence, charisma and merchantile attributes out of all races, but suffer from the lowest strength, endurance and luck in the process. A rare race for your player to roll, but well worth it as your character is practically guaranteed 15,000 gold.

Americans - A common race similar to Europeans and White people. However, the American Race have significantly higher Strength, Endurance, and Agility than all other races. However, they suffer the lowest Intelligence and Perception. This race is often picked by trolls as its most suitable for going on epic killing sprees and getting fuckloads of EXP and raising record-setting levels of butthurt from the rest of the server. American characters get a 30% EXP bonus for an hour after consuming the Burger item. However, they suffer lower HP after their 20s and 30s, and have a 9001% chance of being afflicted with the Diabetes aliment.

You.
The Azn Race
The Mexican Race
The White Race
The Negroid Race
The European Race
The Jew Race
The American Race

Character Classes

Businessman - The warrior class of Life, available at level 21. Businessmen typically carry briefcases to store their items and wear solemnly colored suits. 10/10 Businessmen hate their lives, hate their families, and die around level 45 due to either heart attack or suicide.

Loser - The archer class of Life, available at level 16. Losers typically earn gold in small places such as Mickey Dee's or in grocery stores. Typically are recognizable by having tons of acne on the face of their character model. Losers can be found in small, smelly apartments or living with their mothers.

Retard - The wizard class of Life, available at level 1. Retard is, by far, the best class. As a player, you are never expected to get a job or do any sort of work. Instead, you receive gold from the admins. Anyone who does not pick this class is an idiot.

Pedophile - The berserker class of Life, available at level 30. Choosing this class carries risk, as moderators will always be on your ass. Playing as a Pedophile, you will go completely insane if you do not perform your Molest ability on someone of the child class every day.

Faggot - The fairy class of Life, available at level 13. As a Faggot, your character will be rendered incapable of opening more player slots through sex, (which is a huge bonus if you think about it) as you can only engage another player in such if the character is the same gender as your own. Faggots are despised by everybody.

Emo - The necromancer class of Life, available at level 13. Emos are recognizable by backwards mullets and black clothing items, don't do anything, and usually end their game around level 16 with their self-mutilation ability.

Priest - The monk class of Life, available at level 25, but only if the player has chosen the Christianity Religion. Priests are required to live in assigned places near churches, where they encourage everybody to worship the game's creator. An interesting side note is that most Priests have Pedophile as a secondary class.

Terrorist - The rogue class of Life, automatically assigned if the player chooses the Islam religion. Terrorists are recognizable by wearing bath robes on their heads. Terrorists, upon losing all hit points, will be assigned to Hell unless they lost all hit points in the process of using their Suicide Bomb ability and successfully killing at least 100 people, in which case they will be rewarded with 1,000 internets and 72 virgins.

Midget Boofer - The dwarf class of Life, randomly assigned at character creation, but only if the player has chosen the Black race. These cocksuckers can steal hubcaps and sell them for crack money. Set out a watermelon filled with draino or rat poison if you want to get rid of them, or use a tiger trap to catch them live and have fun torturing them.

Netizen - The sorcerer class of Life, available at level 10. Netizens inhabit the Series of Tubes sublevel of the game. Netizens are incredibly difficult to find outside of such, as they are incredibly weak without their computers. Although this is listed as one class, there is actually a completely different world behind it. In the Series of Tubes, Netizens have somewhat of their own society made up of countless subclasses, such as Trolls, Hackers, and Noobs. Netizens were nonexistent until one of the more recent updates to the game. Due to their existence, the Series of Tubes has become a dangerous place for players inexperienced with it.

Man Child - The other class of Life, automatically assigned if the player has not chosen a class beyond the point at which any class is available. Man Childs are completely incapable of anything and will need to resort to getting gold either from their parents or the administration.

IRL Wizard - The oracle class of Life, assigned at random to players who have acquired the Batshit Insane attribute. IRL Wizards possess actual in-game magic, but can only perform such feats in the complete absence of other players. See: Charlie Sheen, Tom Cruise and L. Ron Hubbard

Serial Killer - Arguably the best class in the game. They are usually charming, intelligent, and handsome. Although serial killers start out with basic perks such as Rape and Murder, they are rewarded with better perks (such as Necrophilia and Cannibalism) as they level up. The catch of this class is that they are required to be white males who were victims of abuse while playing in the Child class.

School Shooter - What a warrior is to a paladin. Though not as well adjusted, this class is capable of significantly higher DPS- but gets killed much faster. They often lack the charm and looks of the Serial Killer, but have significantly higher Agility and Ranged Weaponry skill. This class was once also restricted to characters of the "White" race and "Childhood Abuse" backstory, but the developers of the game recently changed this to encourage diversity and to balance the game. Like most things in life, this class wasn't popular until a girl with daddy issues, Brenda Spencer, popularized it and now all poorly adjusted boys pick this class hoping to get revenge on the game's programmer or earn some after life pussy like Randy Robert Stair.

The Child class.
The Businessman class.
The Loser class.
The Retard class.
The Pedophile class.
The Faggot class.
The Emo class.
The Priest class.
The Terrorist class.
The Midget Boofer class.
The Netizen class.
The Man Child class.
The IRL Wizard class.
The Serial Killer class.
The School Shooter class.
Your class.

Thalidomide Lake

Thalidomide Lake is an inside joke started by the Game's creater because he felt Douchebags needed something to laugh at because they're too dumb to find the subtle wit of lolcows funny because they can only get physical humour and fart jokes.
Swimming in this lake has been known to cause women to have children that earily resemble seals which is why the name flipper disease or Phocomelia gets applied to them.
At one point, it was a popular place in Europe for women to hang out at who were anxious or having stomach problems because of their pregnancy until it was bulldozed over and was renamed Love Canal.

Religions

In addition to character classes, players are also given the option of choosing a Religion to follow. Every Religion comes with its pros and cons, and each affect gameplay in different ways. But don't worry, it's all bullshit created by ancient goat fuckers.

Christianity - Moderated by Jebus, the son of the game's creator, and one of the more popular Religions. Being a Christian allows you access to Heaven after your character has lost all hit points. However, Christians are required to see a Priest once every seven in-game days or you will be banished to Hell once you have lost all hit points.

Jehova's Witness - Jehova's Witnesses pretend to be a real branch of Christianity, just like Scientology pretends to be a real religion, despite following false prophets that have claimed that the world will end in 1914, 1916, 1925, 1942, 1975, and 1984 while forgetting Matthew 24: 36-38 that says that only God knows when the end will come.

Judaism - Jews are instantly recognizable by their enormous noses, big hats, black suits, and the pubic hair on their heads. Jews are totally incapable of spending gold. All Jews are banished to Hell upon losing all hit points. Jews also are incapable of consuming pork food items, shellfish or meat and cheese on the same plate. Don't expect a lot of variety when it comes to food if you rolled this religion, or just do what every teenage Jew knows and remember to throw you wrappers away when you feel the need for a Sausage Egg McMuffin with cheese.

Islam - Like Judaism but with bigger noses and women that are required by religion to never shave and resemble Wookies. Followers of this religion, called Muslims, are incapable of consuming pork/bacon, drinking any alcohol or taking drugs so its no wonder why they're so willing to blow themselves up when the Jihad recruiter comes to their barn. They claim to believe in the game's creator but that's a terrorist ruse to get Christians to like them, even going so far as claiming that Allah is the same G-D that Judaism and Christianity believe in despite it being defined as "Damn! Whitey actually bought this bullshit?" in Arabic. All Muslims are automatically assigned to the terrorist class and have a 1 in 3 chance with being hit by the bestiality skill.

Satanism - An inverted take on Christianity where the goal is not to worship God, but to worship Satan instead. Sadly, most people in this guild are egotistical dickheads and only worship themselves. They read shitty books written by characters like Anton Lavey.

Theistic Satanism - The real satanists of the game. The few questlines found from the guild lead to extremely high rewards, such as extra gold and bonuses to INT and SPI stats for your character. However, you run a very high chance of accidentally summoning demon mobs, infamous for extremely high levels and damage outputs. Knowledge of this sect are rare if not nil, and thus its very rare to encounter a player from one of its few guilds. Upon death, most players will rot in the ground forever. Some will ascend into Level ?? Boss monsters after becoming demons.

Hinduism - Hindus cannot consume the beef food item, pork food item or anything that is alive but in turn are rewarded with infinite lives. Has the most guilds out of all the religions because they have a god for everything and every idea.

Buddhism - Basically the same as Hinduism, except Buddhists worship a big fat guy named Buddha and are as good as Christians when it comes to rationalizing the killing of people.

Atheism - Atheists do not acknowledge the game's creator and are not placed in either Heaven nor Hell upon losing all hit points.

Confucianism - Nobody actually knows what this is.

Scientology - Scientologists are batshit insane and do not acknowledge the game's creator, claiming instead that Xenu, God's evil twin brother, was the one who created Life.

Shinto Mostly followed by lonely weeaboos even when the Japanese know how insane this religion is and only follow it out of peer pressure.

Perks

Perks are usually assorted to every player once they have spawned. They have no ability to change it unless the cranium gets damaged. 0.04% chance you will be re-assorted to a more reliable perk and 99.96% chance you will be taken down to a more useless perk.

Neurotypical - The most common perk a player will spawn with. You do not obtain any special abilities or any handy-caps. However, this is known to be one of the most versatile perks in the game since the communication and social skills can be increased quickly.

Asperger - You get a lot of dickhead- and asshole freecards. however many skills, especially social and communication levels takes a lot longer to rank up in.

Psychoactive - At random intervals, the player is given different communication abilities which either result in intelligent comebacks, rage, or save glitches. Tourette's Guy is a notable player who has this perk.

Asperger Magnetism - The player will take longer to level up. Creativity level increases but the player will be easily subdued into a media based clan and develop lolcow syndrome. Lolcow syndrome makes players react more violently towards different class opinions, resulting in idiocy level increasing and viewable by other players around the server. These types of clan groups will tag the players dependent on their franchise. These player tags include Furry, Brony, Wapanese/Otaku, Sonifag, and Gaiafags. Chris Chan is a famous and prime example of this perk in action.

Autism Plus - Give the player the ability to collect tonnes of data and uses it towards a skilled advantage as he/she progresses throughout the game. However, chat room accessibility becomes limited along with slow progression in the communication and social ranks. See this perk in action: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jVqRT_kCOLI

Deformity - Isn't really a good perk. Just makes the player unable to level up in some areas and glitch the character modal. Usually obtained by hits taken to the cranium (if the player fails to get killed/an hero) or the host player creating a genetic glitch before spawning the player (this process can be cancelled). Famous glitched players include Adalia Rose, Brian Peppers, Rocky Dennis, Juliana Wetmore, TsimFuckis, and many more.

Guido/Douchebag - Social, Communication, and Charm levels are dramaticly increased. However, IQ level drops and the player has to choose the "Faggot" class in order for this to take effect.

Retard - This perk gives an extra chromosome point to your inventory and will be automatically taken the "Retard" class. However, levelling up in all the skill areas will be twice as hard.

Super Manly Retard - Also Known as Jacob's Syndrome. This perk gives you an extra Y chromosome so you will start the game with your strength stat naxed. Unfortunately, this bonus hits your Intelligence stat really hard and you have an increased chance of having to play the court minigame.

IRL Troll - Much like the Neurotypical perk, but ups the creativity level and give the player the characteristic of frustrating and offending other players due to being in different player classes. Awesome and an addictive perk to work with but you lose an alliance with players who have alternative perks. You can however use this to your advantage by trolling them (especially if they develop lolcow syndrome). The greater the reaction the more experience you get.

Factions

Characters are able to join several different factions in the game based on their attributes. Factions can be based on PVP, trading, consumables, grinding, and moar:

Nazis: The biggest trolls in the history of the game, second to the Commies that is. They were close to destroying the Jew race and ensuring the economy and AC of the game were stabilized. Sadly, were murdered by the American and European races.

Aliens: Secret l33t hax0rz from outer space sent to spy on your character, abduct him, and probe his anus for hidden treasures.

Illuminati: A group made of a reptile-human hybrid species that controls every server and steers the course of the game's history.

Cops: The IRL moderators. They don't take kindly to any violation of the law; fantasy or reality. Known for using excessive force for any reason at all. Avoid them- and DO NOT talk to them because much like a website mederator they are known for having a god complex, playing to their favorites and will drop the banhammer for no other reason than Just Because.

FBI: A corrupt faction created by The Man to spy on and arrest you. They employ dirty tricks and tactics to reach their goals. Be careful, as one in every 250 players in your server is likely an active informant, being paid 400 gold a day to snitch you out.

IRS A not-so secret Army of Jewish accountants who openly and proudly get revenge on all their enemies, like Wesley Snipes, with audits. Very powerful and the most feared of the government agencies because they have destroyed some of the most powerful people who appeared to be untouchable by law.

ISIS: A rapidly emerging group representing the "Islam" religion. Created and funded by the high ranking NPCs from the "America" map to justify more PVP raids and Oil revenue for the elite.

GNAA: A close-knit and secret clan where only those of the "Nigger" race and "Gay" perk are allowed. The GNAA is dedicated to preserving, protecting and advancing the rights of Gay niggers throughout the server. Most of the inner circle are those of the IRL Troll class, but have gone quiet in recent years.

NPC:s

Child - IRL Tamagotchis which you must constantly ear rape. Killing them grants you little EXP, and will drastically reduce your karma and reputation in the game world.

Friends - Intimate acquiantance who claim to care about you, but abandon you in your hour of need. If your character has high enough stamina, he can play the Sex minigame with ones of the opposite or same gender, depending on the sexual orientation and luck stat of your character.

Cops - The guards of the 'villages' you frequent. A lulzy bug on the American server only allows the guards to attack and kill only the Nigger class. If you have chosen any other class, you are free to commit any crimes without getting in shit with the guards. Usually are armed with overpowered weapons.

Niggers - Thieves that will constantly try to cut your purse or initiate battle scenes with your character. Avoid them at all costs. They are very dangerous since they can easily access weapons normal players will have a hard time getting.

Jew - The goblins / bankers of the game. Kill them or steal from them to accumulate gold fast, which you can use to buy a Gun at a local Weapon shop.

Your mom - The character that spawned you. Rape her for the lulz.

Your dad - abused you, so you developed daaaddy issues and became a Feminist.

Notable Players

President Donald Trump - God Emperor of Life, he ascends the king niggers position of admin and became God Emperor.

Cho Seung Hui - He beat the game.

Omar Mateen - He usurped the high score of Cho in the America map, and survived a ★★★★★ star wanted level for 3 hours.

Manuel Uribe - Broke the record of highest experience points count at 1200 exp.

Moses - Banned after exploiting ten cheat codes on the Egyptian server.

You - Your character, currently holding the lowest score.

God - Super admin/skydaddy, He created the game, and every so often uses his cheat codes on us.

Jews - Taking all your Jew Gold, used to do ANYTHING in life.

Josef Fritzl - Achieved the highest pedophiliac score.

Osama Bin Laden - Achieved the highest terroristic score.

Martin Bryant - The only retard on record who has won the game. He also won it in 90 seconds, the fastest speed run ever achieved.

Adolf Hitler - Player with the highest score. (Bullshit. Josef Stalin beat him.)

Anders Behring Breivik - The highest score achieved by a currently active player.

Nick Bostrom - Claims that we are living in a simulation and when we die we will wake up as the person who was playing as us. Really depresses the Hell out of us to think that someone consciously made decisions that you'd grow up to be the Autistic, Manchild, Loser that You are.

Success

Few people who have played the game have actually beat it. They have achieved so by using the ability gifted to you at Level 16 to kill everyone around you, and then yourself. Once you do so, you are given the rank Hero. However, at that point you have no remaining lives so it essentially means nothing. Most people don't choose to do this, though, because they're either fucking retarded or pussies. To beat the game you must complete this prime objective.

If you don't achieve this, then the winner is announced by the next time the server resets.

Leaderboards

See: High Score

An up-to-date list of the global leaderboards is stored on this site and is kept regularly updated, categorized by method of technique. Can you make it onto the list?

Controversy

Negative Utilitarianism

Negative utilitarians argue that all players should game over in order to end suffering (either forced or voluntarily). Antinatalism is a weak form of Negative Utilitarianism that argues that everyone should stop having kids and that breeders are everything wrong with everything. Antinatalism is the most popular on the internet and has caused lots of drama. If these individuals ever gained power over nuclear weapons they would most definitely delete fucking everyone's profiles; ironically new players would eventually evolve and there is also the possibility of aliens living and suffering somewhere in the universe.[1]

Suffering is a part of the game, and these people reject it.

“	At any innocent tea-table we may easily hear a man say, "Life is not worth living." We regard it as we regard the statement that it is a fine day; nobody thinks that it can possibly have any serious effect on the man or on the world. And yet if that utterance were really believed, the world would stand on its head. Murderers would be given medals for saving men from life; firemen would be denounced for keeping men from death; poisons would be used as medicines; doctors would be called in when people were well; the Royal Humane Society would be rooted out like a horde of assassins. Yet we never speculate as to whether the conversational pessimist will strengthen or disorganize society; for we are convinced that theories do not matter.	„
—G. K. Chesterton thinks that killing babies is not good

Environmentalism

Environmentalists complain that life has become broken, because it has been made too noobfriendly; thus, they want to reverse this process. Most notable, normal mounts have become too easy accessible and underpriced, radically altering the in-game economy in the process. Flying and boat mounts are also more and more surmountable. Some say these people are full of crap because if they really believed this, they would have put their money where their mouths are and moved to the more harcore grinding zones of the world. Major concerns have been risen over the overpopulation of the servers, causing massive lag on a consistent basis.

Cheat Codes

See also: Life hacks

Physical cheats

/redsea: cross large bodies of water without the risk of drowning (first implemented by Moses; prior to this, entering water meant instant death).

/pill: engage another player in sexual intercourse without the possibility of opening another player slot.

/bulimia: consume large amounts of food items without gaining exp.

/roofie: You gettin' laid son:

/knockedup: she played her trap and know owns your ass. You should have invested that $1 for peter-armour you dumb fuck

/roids: increases muscle points.

/PCP: masively increases defense and stamina

/Titjob or /paizuri: Makes girls more interesting to talk to. Adds +5 to a woman's Charisma

/rickroll: causes other players to lose the game.

/viagra: gives players extra slots for sex.

/domesticviolence: Removes a woman's Adultery ability and disables her from resisting to give the player a blowjob or make him a sandwich.

/fakeid: Gives underaged players the ability to enter strip clubs, purchase alcohol, and purchase cigarettes.

/gun: easily end of the player's game or others' games A favorite of rage quitters. Also helps a lot when you need quick cash

/torrent: get digital media that you would otherwise have to pay for

/⬆️⬆️⬇️⬇️⬅️➡️⬅️➡️🅰️🅱️START: does absolutely nothing. Left in by the programmer as an in joke for nerds.

/⬅️🅰️➡️🅰️: Can save some girl's mom if you input it at exactly the right moment and she'll become your love slave. Good luck finding out who it works on.

Mental cheats

/420blaze: increases happiness points temporarily by smoking weed. WARNING: Some mods may ban users of this cheat for enjoying this luxury.

/Meth: Gives you more hours in the day. Pwn your enemies with overwhelming productivity.

/lsd: increases imagination points, allowing players to perform tasks such as painting or writing songs with ease. Be careful as this cheat has been known to have been used by 1337 Haxors like Charles Manson and player guilds like the CIA to brainwash and manipulate other players into doing what they want. WARNING: Overuse, such as taking a bath after dumping 6 or 7 vials of liquid /lsd into the the bath water, has been known to bring about the /psycho cheat. See Syd Barrett.

/painkiller: invulnerability for 60 minutes. WARNING: Overuse of this cheat code will end your game immediately unless you can win a safety roll and spawn someone with the /Narcan cheat on them

/tulpa: Spawns a compainon that is only detectable on the your screen (this is a difficult cheat).

/bux: increases happiness points

/psyops: allows players to psychologically manipulate others to get what you wants

/psycho: increases success points

/salvia: mostly used by trendy fuckers and noob players that can't get their hands on better cheat codes.

/booze: Used in moderation and it can help you relax. Overused, you will quickly find yourself stuck as an NPC in the Jail minigame unless you luck out and role the random chance to fight the Boss monster Ass Rapist because you beat your wife and kids after spamming this cheat