Gabe Newell


Gabe Logan Newell
Born	During the roarin' Sixties.
Occupation	Crushing dreams, devouring hope, ruler of all that is evil.
Title(s)	Devourer of Worlds, Devourer of Souls, The Hunger That Does Not Cease, Destroyer of Dreams, The Wicked, Consumer of Hope, That Which Cannot Be Satisfied, The Insatiable Dark Lord, The Deceiver

Gabe Newell, also known as Gaben is an evil plushophile and a porcine abomination that rules over anything under the Valve shadow. He's infamous for crushing dreams and destroying hope, known for his never ending hunger and lack of morals, ruling over an evil empire solely based upon greed and deceit.

History

Gabe was thrown out of University for eating his roommates. From there he went to work at Micro$oft, scoring millions of dollars and then ditching the company years later to create vidya gæms.

Gabe soon thought up Half-Life, where the protagonist was opposite to him in every way (thin, good looking, quiet, etc). Half-Life took over 2 years to make due to both Gabe revising his Valve Time technique and being unable to render maps that weren't snack rooms or McDonald's.

After almost making himself bankrupt, Gabe released Half-Life and got rich again. He used the money to develop Steam, attracting 13 year old boys all over the globe. He also found groups of suckers who created games such as Counter-Strike, Ricochet and Day of Defeat, employing them and making money off of their work. CAPITALISM, HO!

Gabe then made Half-Life 2, 6 years after its prequel. He and his company now stick to updating the same old games to use newer engines rather than working on making new games, which explains why the Half-Life 2 episodes took so fucking long to arrive and why one of them doesn't exist yet (Spoiler: it never will because the project was cancelled).

To this day Valve Time is proven to be successful since Gabe has been using it on Episode Three since it was supposed to come out in 2005. Valve's fanboys continue to defend the title, proving that Valve Time helps to keep fans attached to the games. Gabe has also distracted his fans with releases such as Team Fortress 2, Left 4 Dead, Left 4 Dead 2, Portal and a bunch of other titles.

Today, Gabe still runs Valve and continues to delay ~~Episode Three~~ Half Life 3. Calling Gabe fat via the Steam Community extends the delay by a month.

The Gabeard

During an interview with Penny Arcade, it was revealed that Gaben had grown a beard that made him look closer and closer to a walrus. Steam fanboys immediately jumped out and tried to call it a sign of Episode Three, simultaneously cumming themselves in blood pressure-raising panic. Meanwhile, the rest of the world just views him as finally becoming lazy enough to eat instead of shaving.

Gabe Newell going for a George Lucas look.

Gabe is a Brony

God help us all, he's finally sent /v/ into a full-on Kristallnacht.

gabe reddit AMA

Last Thursday gaben did a reddit AMA (archive), and like anything on reddit all the serious questions got downvoted to oblivion and the first 500 most upvoted comments were pun trains and things along the lines of "where's half life 3" and "will you sign my trilby/fedora?"

Gabe on camera

The original. Skip to 0:55

The better version

To celibrate Gabe's 50th birthday, /v/'s greatest autism warriors visit him.

Meanwhile at Valve

Gabe Newell as a farmer.

Gabe Newell as a phat rapper.

Gabe Newell takes on My Little Pony.

Previous Video | Next Video

Gabe's interviews

tl;dr

In short, all of Gabe Newell's interviews can be summed by this: "We're currently working on blah blah blah blah, and a big surprise will be revealed really really soon!"

(Nothing ever gets announced)

Gabe's official theme song

[-+]Gotta eat it all

I want to be the very fat
Like no one ever was
To develop them is my real test
To delay them is my cause
I will travel across the couch
Searchin' far and wide
Each piece of food to digest
The power that's inside!

Gaben!
It's you and me.
I know it's my destiny!
Gaben!
Ooh you're my best friend
In a game we must delay!
Gaben!
A heart so true
My stomach will pull me through
You eat me and I'll eat you
G-A-B-E-N!
(Gotta delay 'em) Gotta delay 'em Gotta delay 'em all!

Every game along the way
With hunger I will face
I will eat everyday
To claim my rightful place!
Come with me, the time is right!
There's no better team
Arm and arm, we'll piss the fans!
Episode 3 always been a dream!

Gaben!
It's you and me.
I know it's my destiny!
Gaben!
Ooh you're my best friend
In a game we must delay!
Gaben!
A heart so true
My stomach will pull me through
You eat me and I'll eat you
G-A-B-E-N!
(Gotta delay 'em) Gotta delay 'em! (Gaben!)

Gaben!
It's you and me.
I know it's my destiny!
Gaben!
Ooh you're my best friend
In a game we must delay!
Gaben!
A heart so true
My stomach will pull me through
You eat me and I'll eat you
G-A-B-E-N!
(Gotta delay 'em) Gotta delay 'em Gotta delay 'em all!
G-A-B-E-N!

tl;dr another Pokemon ripoff.

Emails sent to Gabe

Gabe sometimes responds to emails sent to his corporate address no matter how lulzy they may be.

Gabe is subtlety trolled
Gabe on being a smartass
Gabe in response to what he will do after E3
Gabe on his supreme knowledge of food
Gabe in response to a randomly generated email sent by /v/

/v/'s visit to Gabe

Around August 2010, /v/, in their wholehearted love for Gabe, sent Gabe an email with an image containing hundreds of signatures from /v/ users. Gabe responded the next day inviting /v/ to the offices of Valve. Whether /v/ will go or not is unknown since their charter buses are likely to break down under the weight of so many /v/irgins.

/v/ plans to visit Gabe sometime later in 2010 (~~considering they don't forget to go~~; lol oops). Their strict set of rules mean there will be no underageb&, furries or girlfriends. This makes shit easier (no responsibly of retarded kids, no furry pride crap and no repetitive whining about how everyone in the bus stinks of manchild sweat).