Kingdom of Loathing
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Kingdom of Loathing is a shit MMORPG, appealing largely to goths, 13 year old boys, dried-up pretentious condescending cuntbags, transsexuals, pedophiles and your mom. Allah willing, the people responsible for this abortion will be sacrificed to Raptor Jesus.
The Game
The game begins with the promising premise of An Adventurer is you! and proceeds to present the player with state-of-the-art graphics (pencil drawings) and epic adventures (repetitive clicking) through a vast continent (about 10 pages). The game is filled with myriad enemies (stick men and aborted doodles) and items (different types of hats and pants). The game itself is a complete fucking catastrophe based on an imbecilic premise: what if the typical fantasy elements in typical online role playing games were replaced with something wackier? OMG! Instead of using gold as currency, we'll use meat! If that doesn't sound like the funniest shit on earth to you, you're bound to hate the fuck out of Kingdom of Loathing. It is marginally more fun to play than Final Fantasy. Marginally...
Game Mechanics
The game uses lots of math. Lots of players try to work out the mechanics, but it's so complicated only not even the game's designers understand it.
GAMER SECRETS
Being the dictatorial assholes that they are, any site that has the following secret codes is automatically contacted and told to take the information down. Use the words for the strange leaflet quest to receive free stats. Examine the fireplace in the house. Type the bolded word that matches the item on the mantle into the text box. Also, finding a way to tell other players about these words in chat will get you banned.
A brick house = PLUGH
A bird = PLOVER
A white house = XYZZY
A ship = YOHO
Humor
What Kingdom of Loathing usually dishes out during the game's adventures is a bunch of cheesy "pop culture" references. Examples of many of the enemies that are fought in the game are goths, furfags, hippies, noobs obsessed with Dragonball Z, and fanboys of Final Fantasy (they even make fun of the game in an adventure zone called The Penultimate Fantasy Airship, how stupid is that?). Ironically, all of these aforementioned people probably play the game IRL.
Moderation
The chat system of the game is moderated by a set of fatfucks handpicked by other fatfucks, whose lack of a sense of humor is unmatched nearly anywhere on the internet. Attempts at actual conversation are nearly always rerouted by the mods to a discussion of food (unsurprisingly), tits (ironic because with the exception of the hambeast female moderators, it is unlikely most of the other mods have ever seen a tit irl), or how Green Day is the hardest metal since diamonds. Attempting to discuss a ban with a moderator is usually met with another ban, as nearly all of them see themselves as some kind of flawless internet god.
Furries
The Kingdom used to be revered here on this page as a place where furries were reviled; this is no longer true. The chat system of the game is, as of last Thursday infested with an influx of cat roleplayers, and are protected with a fiery passion by many of the moderators. Attempting to call out a furry in chat will usually result in bans.
Ascension
In order to ascend, you must become a winner. You win by defeating the boss of the game, the Naughty Sorceress. What is ascension? A really faggy excuse to play Kingdom of Loathing with new challenges. The NS13 expansion was later added, which gave two moar quests in the Kingdom. One of the extra quests is "The Quest For the Holy MacGuffin", in which you click around a whole bunch of places and spend a billion hours to get close to absolutely nothing afterwords. The entire joke of the Holy MacGuffin quest is that the player gets ABSOLUTELY NOTHING OUT OF IT. This was done on purpose.
This is typically something that's obtained from every Kingdom of Loathing quest, but it's over nine thousand times more time wasting.
In the end, the Ascension idea doesn't even matter, because it is unlikely you will be able to tolerate playing through this game the first time through without questioning the worth of your existence and going out to do something more productive, (like shoot up heroine and shit yourself), or trying to cannibilize a child (more on this below).
Radio KoL
Kingdom of Loathing stands apart from even marginally enjoyable computer games by virtue of its streaming internet radio station, RKOL. There's also an alternate station called GKOL, which truly lives by the words of its motto: "We exist to give you shit!". In between 10 song blocks of artists ranging from old hippy crap like They Might Be Giants to shitty emo such as My Chemical Romance, listeners are often treated to the batshit rantings of the disc jockeys, who are all, without exception fat goth drama whores from New Jersey. What's worse, their fanboys listen to Linkin Park and keep fucking with this article, depriving it of precious lulz and making it as pleasing for the eye as looking at a goat, see.
Leads to Murder?
Kingdom of Loathing is directly responsible for the cannibal murder of a 10 year old girl. I just hope they're happy, the fuckers. In all fairness though, said little girl looked like a bitch, and was therefore, asking for it.
Be advised that the game's mods consider this a touchy subject, as they spent many a night playing jizz-on-the-biscuit with good ol' Kev, and treasure their memories fondly. Thus this knowledge can be used for extra Jew golds when trolling KoL chat. Witness the success of just thirty minutes of trolling and creating multis when b& (lines of interest asterisk'd):
SmeHRT appears in /newbie with a sizzle and a pop. *BioHazardMan (private): You fail at even being a troll. Wow. Thanks for playing!* ImaginaryGoddess pokes SmeHRT <3 Kara: the market keeps expanding. Good job Jick and Co! Oldsfrk: kara! didn'y you know? you've been the caterer now for months! nobody told ya? ..can I have a muffin? Kara: [shouting] SmeHRT huggles igoddess Arbiter: Where's my bacon, SmeHRT? >.> Kara grrr's cRaShSoNiC: yes, ansorath, I'm very laaame. and laaazy. The Great Khali: If KOL did catering it's sure taking them a hell of a long time to deliver my damn cheese pizza Oldsfrk: <3 Kara (-: SmeHRT: I ate it. Turbulent Squirrel: They don't do weddings or bar mitzvahs. Yodo: Cater? I barely know 'er! OR Kate! Kara: olds, stop by...they're still fresh! JohnnyRicochet: khali, they only make deliveries of 100 meat or more Waffle man: is hunkat here? Oldsfrk: yodo..Pfft! (-: loliff: money for the poor? *bioheartcock: adamantois = 20-something KoL circlejerker from Oklahoma... didn't you dissect a girl once?* Mod Announcement: Begging, asking for things and loudly "wishing" they'd appear is not all that fun for the rest of us. Please don't! Thank you for your time. *bioheartcock: [link] http://cbs13.com/ national/ Jamie.Rose.Bolin.2.2 66529.html* master_marvin: no, beggar. *Mod Warning: bioheartcock has been banned from the chat (forever).* cRaShSoNiC: dammit. ImaginaryGoddess: Loliff, PLEASE keep begging. It makes us ALL happy /end sarcasm Adamantois: hahaha Jechor: For an alternative site to spoiler sites, and a site that contains no spoilers. Try: [link] http:// members.dodo.com.au/ ~jakgrant1/KoL- Guide.html cRaShSoNiC: I gave him some cash. Kara: c-rash, that doesn't work. loliff: thanks for 1 meet loliff: meat loliff: im rich! loliff: i thinks Oldsfrk: sorr i missed it..loliff what are ya asking? imnotblonde1: nice one crash Adamantois: olds, get the Escalade, we're outta here! cRaShSoNiC: that was fun. Daeiss: The road to massive wealth begins witha single meat -hic- loliff: i got 1 meat, why cant all of you be that nice? Oldsfrk: fo realzay Adamantois: and take the "parts" with you! Kara: loliff, likes tiny meat. loliff: i agree cRaShSoNiC: the mmg can help you turn that 1 meat into 3 million meat. kurg: I am going to make my friend his Epic Weapon. Is that not nice? Dyz: no it cant imnotblonde1: what's mmg? -hic- shkspr: Some of us can give you free items, a swing of a ban hammer is free. Arbiter: No, you need at least 1k for that, crash. cRaShSoNiC: [shouting] master_marvin: crash, it can also turn 1m into 0meat. Arbiter: Not necessarily. I turned 8 mil into 62 mil before I lost it/gave it all away. :p JohnnyRicochet: two of my clannies each got over 6 mil and lost it in a couple rounds. *childrapist: Oh hey guys, I m adamantois s multi. This is the game for whales, furfags, and me, right?* *childrapist: brb, ban* *Mod Warning: childrapist has been banned from the chat (forever).* Hunkat: Hello chat Turbulent Squirrel: Wow. ImaginaryGoddess sighs Mod Announcement: What's a WANG and other helpful information: [link] http:// kol.coldfront.net/ index.php/content/ view/355/61/ cRaShSoNiC: oh. then I dont feel your pain. corym: wow haha sucks for him BingoBond: Hello! Turbulent Squirrel: And I don't mean Warcraft. shkspr: just wow ImaginaryGoddess: What a jackass Adamantois: wow Daeiss: [[what does he have against furries?|facepalm.jpg]] Slithy tove: bloody hell you poor mods tonight :( Specially Bio cRaShSoNiC: ...michael jackson resurrected. SmeHRT: World of Bancraft. Xd Waffle man: oh yay... a link i can trust xD loliff: i had removed the WANGED effect *Arbiter: I'm not laughing anymore.* Lord Stick Man: wow Birdy: I forsee some disabled accounts in the future *i_heart_kids: what's up guys, it's adamantois, check out my website here: [link] http:// en.wikipedia.org/ wiki/ Kevin_Ray_Underwood* *i_heart_kids: Its really important that you help contribute money to my legal fund so I can hang out at the next KoL Con! Plus I didnt even go through with it, anyway (she was a fattie, lols!)* *i_heart_kids: brb ban* *i_heart_kids: <3 u all!* cRaShSoNiC: wut? *Mod Warning: i_heart_kids has been banned from the chat (forever).* *cRaShSoNiC: I dont <3 u!* cRaShSoNiC: [shouting] grampa man: Lots of bans today cRaShSoNiC: I dont <3 u either, filter. Lord Stick Man: oh wow *MitchFrenzal: Shake, Maybe we can run some kind of IP scan?* *Yodo: Gotta say, this guy's gumption almost makes up for his other mental deficits.* Fisty McFist: how come I never get imitators? :( ImaginaryGoddess: Alright guys and gals. I'm off for a few. Ttyl<3 cRaShSoNiC: I want imitators too. :( ShadowHunter01: wow how many times has that guy got banned today? *Daeiss: with his determination he would either get a proxy or move to some wireless area to bypass the IP ban*
Raiding
To create an emo-filled,lulzy, drama-fest in the Kingdom of Loathing chat community is incredibly simple. Here are some easy steps:
1. Use [1] to create a Kingdom of Loathing account. The best way to do this is to use a name with the word "rape" in it, or to create a name that combines well with the words "Mod Warning: ____ has been banned from the chat".
2. Complete the literacy test required to enter chat.
3. Make a reference to Kevin Ray Underwood. Make sure to bring up how fucking fat the moderators are, or how KoL meets are the best place to man the harpoons. Or feel free to insert your own variation of awesome win. Another good tactic is to subtly start in on the cat roleplayers you will likely encounter in under five minutes, as there are dozens of them in chat at a time. Alternatively, you can send "kmail", ingame messages not connected to chat, to the players you see in the chat channel you start in, to get them BAWWWWWWWing in chat without you ever saying a word.
4. ?????
5. PROFIT!!
6. Repeat
Here's an example of semi-Niggerish trolling:
Currently in channel: newbie
This channel is a place for new players to ask questions, and for other players to answer them.
There are currently 184 players in this channel. For a full list, type "/who" and for a list of your contacts in the chat, type "/friends"
Ranud: Thanks, wave Ulia: yeah -PatrioticNigra: i dislike furries orasfir: yeahs Ulia: yeahsss Ranud: Unbelievable moment Mme_Defarge: December 1980 for Lennon. -PatrioticNigra: im just waiting for the dozens of cat roleplayers... -PatrioticNigra: so i can man the Harpoons Cheezymonk: I think my mom was like... 10 when that happened? I feel young X_x AxiS Shadowbane: Ah, I was only 4, probably explains that. orasfir: why are you invoking cat roleplayers? Tawt Strat: Now I've got that lava maze to do again and the only point in doing that again is to get the instant karma. -PatrioticNigra: because when they appear i man the harpoons. -PatrioticNigra: for furries are wack -PatrioticNigra: and Nigras don't quite enjoy those fags' Mud Duck dances. AxiS Shadowbane: or 0 in leap year :D (for Flink)
-PatrioticNigra: we don't enjoy the furries in Second Life, Habbo, or any other game we troll... AxiS Shadowbane: make that 1. AxiS Shadowbane threatens fingers agian.. orasfir: cat roleplaying and violent roleplaying are equally awesome in my opinion Mod Warning: PatrioticNigra has been banned from the chat (forever). Ulia does some of what orasfir said. screechpowers: lol Ranud: So, can we chat about nice things? Onion Dagger is impressed. I just washed and tumble dried a flash drive and it still works Cheezymonk: soo.... how about that weather? W33B0: Mods got better harpoons. deathfish: its quite nice, yes? deathfish: rofl Mud Duck: Damn, i was going to start splashing in my puddle. Ranud: Who needs free food/booze/buffs? orasfir: wow you are awesome ulia Ulia: I try really, really hard. SMDandy: buffs!food! Kelthalis: Quick question, wondering if anyone knows a decent affordable one hander with a meat drop modifier of some sort SMDandy: I think! Tawt Strat: Think I left my flash drive in my jeans pocket when it got washed once as well and it was fine deathfish: i could use a buff ^^ Tawt Strat: Depends on what sort of booze you are offering Cheezymonk: In my computers class we're all given flash drives. One kid lost his one year, and the next year the teacher found someone else using it in her class. Cheezymonk: she asked him where he got it, he had found it on the street a year after it was lost
You have been banned from the chat. Your chat privileges will be reinstated in 4166 days 15 hours 56 minutes 36 seconds.
Another Example, of how KOL is becoming a bunch of linden mod FAGS
Currently in channel: newbie
This channel is a place for new players to ask questions, and for other players to answer them.
There are currently 184 players in this channel. For a full list, type "/who" and for a list of your contacts in the chat, type "/friends"
SMDandy: stinky Mushroom Wine- where can I get it? NigraMan Nigras into chat Imp y Clelyn: So, it's like Goon Fleet has arrived? -hic- Kara: Pretentious Nobs?
You have been banned from the chat. Your chat privileges will be reinstated in 4166 days 15 hours 59 minutes 55 seconds. Flinkle titters. Mod Warning: NigraMan has been banned from the chat (forever). Ranud: Make it or buy it. deathfish: ha Jacki (private): ./salute deathfish: bummer SMDandy: How do I make it? Jacki: PN makes the Goon Fleet look like scrubs. Onion Dagger wonders where to find a cribbage board in game Ranud: The mushroom wine, I mean. SMDandy: 13000 is a little steep. Mephistopheleus: People...know jacki.
You have been banned from the chat. Your chat privileges will be reinstated in 4166 days 15 hours 59 minutes 55 seconds.
all the more reason to troll them. CORRECTLY.
External Links
- Kingdom of Loathing
- The shitty Kingdom of Loathing wiki Filled with accurate information about game mechanics.
- Kingdom of Loathing Forum This is the KoL forums page. It is full of retarded 13 year old boys and spammers. The only good thing about the forum is that there is a "Ring of Flame" where you can flame the fuck out of anybody you please, but is only accessible to users, and the moderators there join in and then use their moderation powers to ban anyone smarter than they are. To make an account, your application has to be approved by an old, fat, whore-cunt.
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Kingdom of Loathing is part of a series on MMORPGs. | [Ding!] |