Cocaine

This is about the drug. For l33t program access, see Software Crack.

	“	I DO COCAINE!! I REALLY DO COCAINE!!	„
	—Dr. Rockzo The Rock n' Roll Clown

	“	Cocaine's a hell of a drug.	„
	—Rick James

	“	If you want to hang out, you've gotta take her out, Cocaine	„
	—Eric Clapton

This guy lives in a non-stop nightmare, fueled by co-co-co-cocaine!!!

Cocaine at Erowid (AKA: Crack, Coke, Blow, Rock and Food of the Gods) is the best drug in the world; a stimulant that people and niggers take to heighten their worst instincts and optimise the volume at which they talk, usually at the next fucking table in the bar I'm trying to have a quiet goddamn drink in. It gives the user energy, confidence, willpower and the desire to rape every ten minutes. It is usually powdered, and helpfully cut with even more toxic white powder in order to fuck your nose up, awesome. You can also mix it with a tiny amount of water and put it up your ass, though if you do this, remember to ram it home with a twelve-inch black dildo, you big queer.

You can obtain cocaine off any guy who is being a smug loud asshole in a bar, anybody who works in any kind of bank, in the Ghetto, and off my buddy Rick's housemate, he does tons of blow.

History

Cocaine was named after, and invented by, the Coca-Cola Company, the manufacturers of the softdrink that gives children ADHD and diabeetus. The powerful businessmen behind Coke saw this wasn't enough to destroy the minds of youth so they experimented with a hyperconcentrated powered form, testing it on lab animals and bored-off musicians who needed some kind of powder to snort off hookers' tits and asses. This new form has the magical ability to turn the nicest guy into the most overbearing asshole and the nicest girl into a raging cockwallet, so it's obviously awesome!

Effects

Men:

Gives you confidence and raw willpower to do anything you want
Focuses all your attention on doing more coke, that is your only priority, do more coke, always more coke
Makes you much violent when women you confidently approach tell you to fuck off for being a coked up dick
Provides you with a handy Monday-morning cold your work colleagues will notice every single fucking week, and wonder why you only ever have it for one day and in one nostril
Unleashes your animalistic instincts
Makes you ragingly horny.
Causes fun mood swings, where you can be exuberant and an asshole one minute, and a jittery, angry asshole the next
Wow, dude, this is good stuff, anyway, I said to Sarah that I didn't mean to hurt her by sleeping with that Xerox place chick, women though man, yeah? You get me? Right! So I called her and got her roommate on the phone and I was on blow so talked to her to shoot the shit, you know how it is, her name's Stacey, I met her once and she's pretty fine but she was being a bit frosty with me, dude, do us another line, a fatty, a real fatty, I bought a new suit last week, the chicks will love it, I could use it for work because I'd love a raise and there's this new position I might go for, roll up this twenty dollar bill dude, use the end without blood on, anyway I called Sarah back and left a message on her machine and I kind of got off the track of just asking a call back and called her a bitch so this guy calls back like five minutes later all mad and
A Darwin Awards winner enhanced his sexual pleasure by injecting cocaine in to his urinary tract. The only side-effect was a painful three-day-long erection, after which his penis fell off and gangrene forced doctors to amputate his legs and most of his fingers.
Winning

Women:

Women can't handle cocaine, bless them, they get all anxious, aww, poor little things!
Wow, look at the rack on that babe, I'd love to do coke off her tits
Women turn into whores on cocaine, this is awesome
Amy Winehouse is was totally a cokehead
Whores become more whorish on cocaine, this would be awesome but you may as well not buy them coke cause it's not cheap and they're whores already right?
Girls lose weight if they do coke all the time, hence why whores are always skinny as fuck. Be sure to mention this to any vulnerable females you know who might just try some blow, them pimp them out in the throes of addiction and turn them into your bitch
Women on cocaine are usually more inept at housework and will be too jittery to cook, so be wary
C'mon baby, let's do a line while we screw, c'mon, you'll get higher than ever before. Baby? Where are you going? It's not sleazy, it's another step in our erotic journey! You can do it off my cock, baby, please?

PSA: The Cocaine Experience

Besides putting a spring in your step and a massive hole in your palate, the following video is how it feels to rail cocaine from a skanky stripper's inflatable tits.

Remedy for many ills
Great for hay fever
Makes better marksmen
A+ would inject again

Even websites will teach you the 101 on Cocaine!

Help with Addiction

Cocaine can be really addictive, and a serious cocaine problem can ruin your life, or at least cause you to get bloody snot on your favourite sweater. Here's some handy tips to bear in mind if you think you have a cocaine problem:

The only real coke problem is running out of coke
Pepsi is not a good substitute for the "real thing"
If you find yourself craving coke, just do one line, that's all, what harm could one line do?
Remember cocaine is illegal unless you have a job
Be sure to try mixing it with soothing heroin. You might want to keep the purity of the heroin a surprise, because everyone loves surprises
Don't be a fucking pussy, snort more, you fucking fag, snort it, go on, rock and fucking roll, asshole
Try not to snort an odd number of cocaine molecules, as this is unlucky
Make sure to rewrite your OK Cupid profile when as coked up as humanly possible, and remember that women love jerks, and assume all the women on the site are losers, and with these facts in mind, message all the girls in your area
Make desperate phone calls to people you are pretty sure don't do any drugs, just on the off-chance they can score you more coke. Then in the morning, hold your head in your hands and weep, quietly, and look over at the baggie you emptied last night in a monster coke session. It looks like it's got a tiny bit in, right at the bottom. See it? A little bit of residue. You could stick your tongue in, that's it, right in, now look in the mirror and let the self-hatred settle in, attaboy
Slap a Canadian because as you all know, it's all Canada's fault bad things happen in the first place.

Crack

Crack was invented by The Man to keep the niggers down, or more accurately, get them really high and with the energy to steal our TVs. Gee, thanks, CIA.

It's a smokeable form of coke, and super-potent, super-fun, and child-friendly.

White people are not permitted to smoke crack.

ON CRACK! as an old meme

On the Internet, you will occasionally encounter the sort of khaki-wearing, Conan-watching fuckwit who still considers the phrase "on crack" to be hilarious. e.g., "She's running around like a rabbit... ON CRACK!!!" This is grounds for a violent permaban from your flist.

Propecia, the Crack Ho

Propecia is a crackhead who hosts an advice show which features guests who call her with white people questions. She then proceeds to provide a response from the point of view of the ordinary crackhead on the street. Let's watch, shall we?

The Governments involvement in crack

As can be seen below, the CIA uses the federal Pro-Narcotic group known as the WKUK to spread their newfound product to the inner city regions. WARNING! WHAT YOU SEE BELOW IS A DRAMATIC RECREATION OF ACTUAL EVENTS! DO NOT TRY AT HOME! APPROACHING WILD NIGRAZ WITH DRUGS MAY RESULT IN RAEP OR DEATH! THIS SHOULD ONLY BE ATTEMPTED BY LICENSED OFFICIALS AND GOVERNMENT AGENTS!!!

Production

All cocaine in the world comes from Colombia, Peru, and Bolivia. You should refer to it as Bolivian Marching Powder, Columbian Supersalt, or Peruvian Nosecandy, if you want to be a proper cokehead. If you go to Colombia you will find that the natives live on a big mountain of cocaine, and every resident is an expert in its manufacture. This justifies dropping massive amounts of herbicide on the country from planes, which increases the price of cocaine and thus the profits of the suppliers, which helps win the war on drugs. If you disagree you hate America. Cocaine begins it's long journey to your nasal cavity as a cash crop grown mainly in Bolivia and Columbia, where billionaire drug kingpins enslave entire nations by getting them all hooked on blow and then tricking them into working out in the fields, where they work effectively as they are on blow. Provided they don't get raided by those meddling DEA agents and their drug sniffing German Shepherds, the drug overlords of South America then have the goods tightly packaged and then surgically implanting them into the stomach of a loli for transportation into the states. This practice, known as drug muling, is a particularly brutal procedure that ultimately results in the pwnage of the loli, but what the fuck do I care I just want my motherfucking powder. The coke is then delivered to your friendly neighborhood drug dealer, who providing he doesn't try and rip you off by hacking at your friend's limbs with a chainsaw, will sell you the goods so you can take them to a hooker and snort it off her ass.