Cardi B

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Cardi B (Powerword: Belcalis Marlenis Almánzar) is a Hispanic and Dominican threat sent by the Spanish Inquisition to spread disease across our world.

Actually no - as that would be giving her too much credit and would mean she did something to the Earth. Cardi B is a batshit crazy, over-privileged, wannabe Nicki Minaj dipshit. She became famous on the now-dead internet application known as Vine. However, unlike most other retarded aspies spreading their cancer to Jewtube, Cardi B had to spread her shit into our ears, and become a rapper (although calling her a rapper is a stretch in this instance). She can also be found in 90% of the garbage made by soundcloud rappers.

It turns out her fucktardedness is spreading outside of music. She has appeared in shitty movies that are so irrelevant that the only way you will know they exist is by looking up "Cardi B movies" on Jewgle. She often appears in shitty low-budget TV shows that will probably be canceled after one season, as nobody fucking watches them or ever will. In addition, she has made her way into politics to say pointless bullshit that nobody gives a flying fuck about.

Early Life

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She started out as a stripper as people with no talent like her wouldn't be able to become famous otherwise and start a better career

Belcalis was born October 11, 1992, in the same year as another whore in Washington Heights, Manhattan; Her parents considered her to be a failure and forced her to be with her grandmother most of the time. So she basically was doomed from the start! Eventually, she found the retarded name "Cardi B" which she says came from Barcardi, but we all know it actually came from carding- (something she actually did with the gang The Bloods.) She decided to become a stripper, which she got the idea from some dirty ass cashier register at the supermarket. She claims that becoming a stripper was positive for her life in many ways; In reality, that was only because being a whore can get you out of anything with no talent involved. Eventually, she attended college, and says she dropped out; However, she was actually kicked out for being too much of a fucktard. She has lied about getting money from babysitting to her Moms as she knew that she would be seen as a joke,( which she already is.)

Vine

The average shit she made on Vine.

Her Music

None of Cardi B's music is worthy enough to be mentioned as they all sound THE FUCKING SAME. Somehow, however, she was able to get a Net Worth of 24 million dollars from her garbage, due to aspies (the only people that listen to her music) streaming it. You may be asking what makes a Cardi B song? We still don't know for sure as she speaks in another language, unknown to the human mind. So basically we can't understand what the fuck she is saying, but we will try.

How to make a Cardi B song

Put some Spanish beat taken from the Public Domain.
Shout out words as loud as you can, to pretend that you're rapping.
Always be off-beat.
???
PROFIT!

Collabs

For some unknown reason, every shitty soundcloud rapper in existence has to make a song with her, so that people will know who the fuck they are. Cardi B doesn't give a shit about the songs and is only on them to get more money. The person that created the song probably doesn't give a shit about Cardi B either, here are some examples.

She's even collab'd with a few people in her own music, no one noteworthy though. She has begun working with pop artists such as Jennifer Lopez, Ed Sheehan, and Maroon 5; Just further trying to replicate the success of Nicki Minaj.

Cardi B Instagram Breakdown

From time to time Cardi B can go completely fucking insane and shout out some random sperg shit.

Average Cardi B rant.

Cardi B and Nicki Minaj Feud

Yes folks, it turns out the equally retarded Nicki Minaj thinks Cardi B is a mentally ill, unstable, Human Centipede as well. The person she was trying to become, more or less, hates her. This is basically proof that Cardi B shouldn't be trusted by people.

Basically this all started when Nicki and Cardi collaborated with Migos to create a song called Motorsport. It turns out, however, that Cardi decided to fuck with the lyrics and change them to be just as cancerous as they were. Nicki got fucking pissed (even though it was neither of songs and belonged to a group that no one gives a flying shit about).

Eventually, this led to a brawl between the two.

Political Retardation

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The downfall of American economy

Cardi B has the dream of becoming a USA politician, even though she fucking hates what the fuck has happened to America right now. It will only stay a dream however as the chances of her doing shit to the world is little to none. She criticizes everything else that every other liberal criticizes, such as Trump, the USA's border wall, and the government shutdowns. The latter even got the attention of the unfunny, retarded, dumbass, autistic, aspie, motherfucker known as the Stephen Colbert. He tried to get Cardi to rebuttal the State of Union (not surprising considering the person we're talking about). She says if she would go back to college that she could become a part of the USA Congress. Honestly, everyone else in that college class would have a higher chance than she would.